Am I in denial

lola12

Hi Friends,

 I dont know if I am in denial or I am just living life. I just hit my 1 year mark for my mastectomy. I was stage 1, with 1 small area of ILC surrounded by a little DCIS. My oncotype was 16, ER/PR+, HER2 negative, no BRCA. I was in chemically induced menopause, but had my ovaries removed in the summer. I am on and AI and doing fine.

My question is two fold:

 I am working some 10 hour days and my family is calling me daily yelling at me for working so much. They claim with my BC, I should rest well and not stress, and I am still a cancer patient, so I should not push myself.

Additionally, I go for my 1 yr MRI on the remaining breast on Friday. My 6 month mammorgram was according to the doctor was "perfect"  I am not really worried about the MRI, but my family is very anxious to get the results.

I feel like I should live my life, and live as a person who had early stage breast cancer and did what they had to do to attack it. My family still treats me as ill. 

I would love all of your opinions on this.  I know it was hard on them, but a nurse once told me that you can worry,worry,worry about it coming back, and then get hit by a car tomorrow. 

Thanks for your input.

Lola 

LuvRVing

Congrats on hitting the one year mark, and may you have decades more!

Here's my take on life in general...no one lies on their deathbed and wishes they spent more time at work.  I really believe this.  So I always suggest balancing work with family life.  I was a manager when I was working and I preached this to the people who worked FOR me.  And I practiced what I preached.

I also agree with the nurse, none of us have a "promise" for a tomorrow.   Your family will come around over time, just be sure to spend quality time with them. 

Hugs,

Michelle

christine47

I don't think you are in denial, you are living "your life".  Sorry your family still treats you as ill, but you are fortunate that they care so much about you.  There seem to be many ladies on the threads whose family and friends are not so supportive.  Good luck.

nlm

I don't think you are in denial. You are living your life. You will know if you are overdoing it. I resumed working my two jobs two weeks after a bilateral mastectomy. Worrying about a recurrence won't make it not happen. Enjoy your life and don't dwell on cancer. It will make you crazy.

jwilco

I agree, you aren't in denial.  My inlaws thought I over did it on Thanksgiving because I was reaching up in the high shelf for platters.  My surgery was in October.  I welcomed the family over for the holiday.  It was a nice break from thinking about my "illness".  I'm hoping that starting work full time next week will also help take my mind off things.  I plan on staying busy and living life.

barbe1958

You are in denial only IF you are working to prove something. If you are working so hard because you love your job or need the money, that's different from denial - that's passion. BUT, if you are just trying to prove how invulnerable you are, then you might bottom out at some time and wonder what hit you. That happened to me.

I went back to work 2.5 weeks after a double mast because I was being wonder woman and thought we needed the money so badly. We did, but I could have taken STD and still been okay. Now, 3 years later, I find myself off on LONG term disability because I didn't take good enough care of myself! I get no ribbons or awards for how fast I recovered 3 years ago, just the disgust at my body now for giving up on me.

The fact that you are asking, means you are really thinking seriously. So I seriously ask you; do you work so hard for passion and love, or for money and pride?

coraleliz

Love hearing that you are moving away from your diagnois & getting on with life. I'm hoping to do the same.  I have a friend who's a dentist. When I told her I had BC, she looked at me & said, "you eat right, you work out, your not overweight, it must be stress".  Grrrrrr......My stress level is less than anyone else I know, including hers. I think maybe in her field, bad teeth is related to patient behavior. Anyway, I forgave her. I gotta work & save for retirement. Extra work would be nice if I could get it. I have found no convincing evidence(for me anyway) of anyway to alter my lifestyle that will prevent a reoccurence(except Tammoxifen). It's music to my ears & gives me hope to hear that you are only 1 year out & not constantly thinking about BC.

linda614

Only YOU know what you are capable of doing.  But you also need to listen to your body.  If it tells you to back off....listen.  I was a workaholic before diagnosis last Feb.  I put in mega hours at school doing all kinds of clubs and musical and cheerleading.  I was superwoman.  I really love my job...working with kids.  But I had to admit that I needed time to myself.  I kept working during treatment (it was very theraputic) but relinquished the extra stuff.  I picked one extracurricular this fall and find I am so much less stressed.  I also have a very concerned family, but they applaud the steps toward normality that I have taken. 

TAPPY

I was a ten hour a day person to. But now

I am working 25 -30 hours a week while doing Chemo right now.

Untill some one told me to stop trying to be superwoman.

I love my job and what I do, but it is stressful, so I think it does depend on the job and stress/physical level involved.

 There is one thing I have learned in all this....YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, or you will not be able to care for those you love.  I felt great when I had breast cancer and did not know it...so I know I need to do a better job of taking care of myself going forward.

 I think there has to be a healthy balance....bc has taught me that.

DiDel

Lola LIVE your life...today you are healthy. Congrats on one year out!! I just hit my two year mark and for me it was a turning point. I am in the final stages of reconstruction...my hair is back..the fatigue is gone...and I just feel like myself. I am self employed and do tax work so this time of year I have no work but come January I will be working my a$$ off and loving every minute of it. During chemo I was so so so tired like I never knew tired. I wasnt able to work my usual 12 hour days and to me that was depressing. I used to be like the engergizer bunny....I slept 5 hrs a night and would go go go. To not have that energy was a big change...to not have earned the money I was used to was a struggle..but I got through it. After two tax seasons of laying low and healing I am ready to get back into it full on..some people just get a sense of self worth through work and there is nothing wrong with that..if you want to work long days and have the energy to do so GO FOR IT! Its your life and you are grown up and only you know whats best for you.

A few months ago a coworker of mine died suddenly and tragically in a car accident at 47. When I was diagnosed he came in my office and said so many kind words of encouragement. At his funeral I just kept thinking I was the one with the cancer diagnosis I should have died before him..it was a big wake up call for a lot of people. You just never know what tomorrow brings. I believe in being kind to everyone and living your life to the fullest.

Celebrate your year!! You earned it!!

Diane

Miles2Go

Lola, brilliant discussion subject.

What you're experiencing is quite common following Any Significant Emotional Event/HealthIssue.

You've "moved on" to your new normal, yet others have not moved on with you ~ resulting in challenges on both sides of perception & reality.

When one of my two chldren suddently died, people flocked to my side with sympathy.  As time passed, I eventually accepted my child's death, appreciating my living child even moreso, once again meeting life head on with great enthusiasm.  Along the way, many friends and family were slow to "catch on" to the fact I was significantly "healed."  (Tho some might disagree with the word "healed," better to celebrate my living child than to mourn my lost child forever.)

Listen to your own wisdom, thank people for their concern, and let them know your preference is to do (whatever it is they think you should not).  Preference is a lovely word, one with which people generally will not take issue.  Limiting contact with those who still want to argue would be my approach.  Hang out with the folks who "get it" and are happy for you!

After all you are a "resident expert" on your mind, body and spirit!

Little by little, people will accept the healed you, and celebrate with you.  I am surely celebrating "you" and your choices, along with many others joining this discussion.

lola12

Thank you everyone. I certainly do appreciate the input. With reading all your posts, I have decided to do a little bit of acceptance and a little bit of comprimise if that makes sense. I probably should slow down a little, and the people who want me to slow down are so important to me.  Miles2go, I LOVE the word preference. DiDel, you are right, NONE of us know if we will have  tomorrow, breast cancer or not, so I am going to live my life.

 Well, between all of us (SHHH, dont tell my family) I am getting a little anxious about my 1 year MRI on my "good"breast tomorrow. 

Barbe1958, I read alot of your posts. We look alike and think alike, you have helped me many times with your posts. Thank you.

Night everyone! And THANK YOU!! Every post here has given me some great advise.

LoLA 

barbe1958

Oh Lola!! Thanks for letting us know we helped...you got a lot of interesting responses to feed off of and now we all know it's up to you to take what you need and leave the rest. The fact that you are anxious about the MRI today is totally healthy. If you weren't concerned, that would be more cause for alarm. Good luck, sweetie!

anonymice

You have mastered the secret to a happy life....denial.  There is nothing wrong with "denial" - which actually in your case is just not dwelling.  This is how people who are psychologically well-adjusted act - why dwell?

Good for you!!  Ignore your family, in a kindly way of course.  And congrats on your attitude!!  You rock!! 

barbe1958

Yikes! Pamonymous, I hope your joking!! A healthy life is NOT denial, it's being able to cope with whatever is going on in your life. Ignoring important factors like family, is not healthy either! Please tell me you're kidding.....

Miles2Go

Actually, actively practicing denial and "wishful thinking" are healthy! 

Pamonymous is right!  Why dwell?  I took a telephone post-op breast cancer survey 10 years after a separate primary site DCIS surgery 15 years ago.  One of the questions was, "How much time do you think about breast cancer?"  My answer, "None!"  I never gave cancer a second thought post-op.

Everything is based on our world view.  We're all saying what we believe with integrity.

barbe1958

There is a HUGE difference between denail and coping. Denial is not taking care of yourself. Coping is just being vigilent. Think of someone looking for a change in moles on their body. Denial is not even checking. Coping is checking to look for signs of skin cancer and then moving on. Dwelling does not even come into the equation!

I never want to live my life in denial. I have a TON of things to think about besides cancer. I am coping....and living quite well. But, I did just have a tumour in my neck biopsied as I am beginning to choke on it. Denial would have me choke. Coping means I get it checked. I am an adult and live in the real world.

SheChirple

I'm with you, Lola.  I am 5 days post op BMX with TE and I am already planning to put this behind me.  I can only HOPE that I will not dwell on it.  It will eb something in my past.  I will be diligent about my follow ups, but I will NOT dwell on it daily.

lola12

I refuse to think about breast cancer every day. I have to remain in the positive. I dont think I am in denial. But, I dont even think I am coping most of the time. I decided early on that this would not identify me, I also read in so many places that a positive, attack it and move on attitude makes the world of a difference. I am dilligent with my check ups, and do get a little jittery waiting for test results (like this weekend, I got an MRI on Friday on my remaining breast). But, even then, I have to put myself in a place. 1) it was caught early with no node involvement 2) my mammogram 5 months ago was totally fine 3) I had a reduction on my other breast at the time of my mastectomy and all the tissue was fine and 4) I have this great day to enjoy, so "what if's" arent going to bring it down, only facts.

So, after reading all these wonderful posts, I think we should not be in denial and we should live our lives to the fullest inbetween the coping with the doctors appointment and tests when required!

Dr. Mastrangelo 

Claire_in_Seattle

Hi Lola,

You should expect to move on!!!  Isn't that why we go through treatment???  So we can continue with our lives!

What I would add though is something I have done for a number of years....a personal "to do" list.  All those things you would love to do, and never quite find time for.  This gets me out there and makes sure I do the life stuff.  One silly one is that I am going for a professional make up prior to hitting a party at the Wine Bar tomorrow evening.

The great news is that you have a career to go back to.  I am in the process of redefining what I do, and also looking.  Major work.  But I was bored with what I was doing a year ago, so will turn out to be good news.  (My nightmares are money and career related, never about cancer.)

I think at some point, it will all hit you.  But don't sweat things.  Just do your thing and stay busy.

Congrats on being one year out!!!! - Claire

otter

I think we all have different definitions of the relevant words.  "Denial".  "Optimism".  "Coping".  "Wishful thinking."  "Positive attitude."  "Strength". "Pessimism". "Obsession".

Those are trigger words. Some of us react negatively to words that others find affirming.  How many of us cringe when someone tells us it's crucial that we "stay positive"?  Others live by that phrase.  How many of us "live as if we'll die tomorrow," a behavior others would find way too pessimistic.

Here in this thread, we have some women who endorse "denial" as a way to cope with their memories and fears, while others decry "denial" as unhealthy and childish.  I think it's all in how we, personally, define those words; how much baggage we attach to them; and what works for us.  One big thing I've learned is that I do not have to do what other people expect I should do; I do not have to think the way they say I should think.

I happen to agree with Miles2Go today.  No, not just agree with her... I'd like to give her a big hug, because she has expressed something I've been struggling with for years. 

I've found that, when something really terrible happens to me, or to someone I love, I spend some time grieving and crying and being angry (etc.).  I fully acknowledge that the event has happened, and I let the sadness, regret, whatever, take control... for awhile.

But, at some point, in order to move on with my life, I have to forcefully put that terrible event out of my mind.  I have to make myself stop thinking about it, stop remembering it.  I do not allow my mind to go down that path when I suddenly find myself there.  I block it out of my mind.

Some people might say I'm in denial.  I don't deny for a second that those awful things happened.  I fully acknowledge that reality.

For instance, I am completely aware of the fact that I was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer almost 4 years ago.  (Has it really been that long?)  I had a mastectomy and chemotherapy; and now I'm on an estrogen-suppressor.  I just don't see any point in letting that experience continue to control what I do, what I think, now.  Heaven knows it controlled my life through most of 2008.  That was enough of an investment, I think.

Here's another example:  I also know that my mom died suddenly ("unexpectedly" was the word they used in her obituary) this past year; and I know the precise circumstances of her death were truly horrible.  Some people have said to me, "How can you deal with what happened to her?  What does your mind do, when you think about it?".  The truth is that I do not let myself think about it.  (I rarely do, anyway, unless I'm trying to explain all this to someone.)  I block it out of my mind.  I see no point in dwelling on the details, or even on the events themselves.  I know the facts; but I don't have to relive them whenever they pop into my head.

So, is that really "denial"?  If I cope with those memories by blocking them out, by not allowing them to invade and interfere with my current life, who's to say that's unhealthy?  Why would it be childish for someone to take back control of her life?

These are rhetorical questions.  I know my answers.

otter

barbe1958

Oh dear! I do see that the whole issue is the literal official definition of denial. It is:

...a defense mechanism that rejects a very real situation, insisting that it is not true.

That is the reality that I was working off of. So some of you are not in denial literally, you're just skipping over remembering the bad parts. I'm sure most of us aren't "dwelling" in the cancer issue, though some believe that returning to these boards every day is proof (I don't believe that). We wouldn't be so well worded and eloquent in the way we describe our reality. We DID live it. We're not still living it NOW. (Though I'm awaiting a thryoid tumour pathology...sigh.)

So from where I'm sitting, we're all basically saying the same thing.

otter

That's exactly right (IMHO).  You get it.

And, I hope it's okay if I do some wishful-thinking on that biopsy result you're awaiting....

otter

Jessie2011

Hi, I Had masectomy last week Nov. 2011 Both breast, and today I have a bad day....:;)

 But It should get better....I know it will... Good courage everyboby.

Jessie

lola12

Jessie,

 It gets better, trust me. After all that worry, my MRI came back normal, I am officially 1 year post unilateral mastectomy and cancer free.

 It will get better...

Lola 

FLwarrior

Jessie, I hope you are feeling better today!!!  Hang in there...it will get better!

Lola, Yeah! That is great news!  Enjoy the dance with NED!!!