More harm then good???

ShalonaK

I'm new to this site and still sort of new to cancer. I have the most wonderful husband who is my rock and my everything and wish that he would realize just how much him loving me helps. Recently he seems to have gotten burntout. Not that I blame him in any form or fashion because I am burntout and ready for this to be over. I have tried to find  ways to help him but the more I try the worse it seems to get. I send he to websites and forums and it just seems to make him feel more and more like a failure everytime. He is wonderful at finding things online and finding solutions for me but some how I don't have the  same talent. I love that he comes to me with his feelings and that I can go to him but we are both at a point where I don't think we can help eachother. Its not a problem with our relation ship because that is just fine, but we had only been married for 4 months when I was diagnosed. We need to find someone to talk to but it seems almost impossible where we live. I don't want things to get worse then what the already are and just don't know where to turn. I just feel like I have hit a brick wall. Please help

chrissyb

Hi Shalona sorry you find yourself in a position that you even need to be here but welcome to BCO.  This is a great site for both knowledge and comforting support.

It is very hard when one is diagnosed with Breast Cancer or cancer of anysort as that one little word has a ripple effect and keeps on affecting not just us but all those around us as well.  Life does change and unfortunately for you, the changes that you were getting used to because of your recent marriage (and they are hard anough) have been totally derailed by your diagnosis.....it's would almost be like freefall for you and you hubby.  The best I can suggest for you both is perhaps some cancer counceling for the both of you.  Not knowing where on the map you are, I can only ask if you are anywhere near a large cancer centre or failing that, is it possible to broach the subject with your family doctor?  You both need to find an anchor and that is the best way to do it.

BCO main site also has a lot of good information that may also be helpful to you.  Wishing you well.

Love n hugs.  Chrissy

Moderators

Shalona, there's a forum here on the discussion boards called For Family, Caregivers, Friends and Supporters where your husband may find support and advice from others who have been through just what you two are dealing with.

As chrissyb suggested, there's also a wealth of information for you on the main Breastcancer.org site. The section Talking to Your Spouse or Life Partner is a good place to start.

Judith and the Mods

dlb823

Hi, Shalona ~ I'm so glad you've found BCO!  I think being diagnosed with breast cancer (or any serious illness) is really hard for our men because they feel so helpless.  They just want to fix it, and they can't.  Hopefully, you've told your husband what you've told us -- how much his just being there and loving you helps.  But I know he still probably feels very frustrated that he can't really do anything to make it go away.

Are you being treated in Belen or Albuquerque?  If Albuquerque, hopefully the hospital or medical center is big enough to have a psychologist or social worker who would be available to talk to you and your husband.  At many places, meeting with them to help navigate all sorts of problems like this one is included free of charge as part of your care.   So I'd definitely look into that. Also maybe see if there are any support groups for yourself or for caregivers in your area.  In addition to hospitals (and you don't always have to be a patient there), places like Gilda's Clubs run them. That would give you both a chance to share with others who can relate to what you're going through, which always lightens the load. 

One other thing might be somewhat helpful is a book called The Breast Cancer Husband, by Marc Silver.  It's written in guy language, and maybe would also help your hubby to know he's not alone in what he's going through.   (((Hugs))) and prayers that you can find some good help ~  Deanna