Feeling neglected by my husband

cfdr

I'm feeling neglected by my husband. He had to fly out of state for almost a week to be with his mother while she was ill (although honestly I think he could have told her no), and now he is helping his pregnant daughter get her new house painted. He is there until about 10pm every single night.

Meanwhile, I'm about halfway through chemo and can hardly get off the sofa. It seems like he has looked at everyone who needs his help right now, and decided that I'm at the back of the line. He will go to my treatments with me and pick up something at the store if I ask, but otherwise I may as well be living alone. Once our son-in-law arrives from out of state to take over the painting, I feel like I want to say that now he needs to actually help me and pay some attention to me. He has no clue how difficult it is some days just to get a simple dinner together, or how dispiriting it is to spend day after day at home alone feeling like crap. When I've talked to him about it he's been skeptical, like I'm faking it or something. And this is even after he once had to pick me up after I passed out and hit my head. I didn't fake that!

Am I being unreasonable? It's not that I don't want him to help his mother and his daughter. It's just that he seems to have decided that in order to do so he has to completely ignore  my needs.

Kaara

Wow!  I  don't know what to say to that.  Is it possible that he is in denial and doesn't want to admit that you are as sick as you are?  Sometimes men just don't know how to express their emotions, and when they are faced with something that scares the crap out of them, they try to busy themselves with other things to avoid confronting it head on.  Why don't you have a little talk with him and tell him that you are hurt and disappointed that he is not spending time with you during this challenging time in your life.  See how he responds to that without being too accusing, because then he will become defensive.  One thing for sure, it isn't going to help to keep this all to yourself and suffer in silence.  You will just make yourself more sick by doing that.  If he asks what he can do to help, have some things in mind to tell him.  Maybe it to just sit and hold your hand and watch a movie together.  Let him know you're afraid and don't want to be alone right now...nothing wrong with that.  My boyfriend always wants to do the right thing, but he has no creative imagination and cannot figure out how to just do things...I have to tell him and then he's happy to do it.

Hope this helps.  I wish you a good outcome. 

cfdr

Kaara, thanks for your response. I do think this scares him, and leaving the house for hours or even days at a time to help others is a good way for him to avoid seeing how tired I am. The first time I walked around the house without a turban on, he mentioned how he can't deny what's going on when he sees my bald head. He said he may actually be home around 7:00 this evening...I need to talk to him and let him know that for the remainder of my chemo, I really, really need for him to be helping out, at least with meals in the evening. And companionship, as well. Let him know that it's OK that he's chosen to help others, but that time's over and now I need him here.

bcisnofun

good luck cfdr.  To me it's sort of surprising that his mother and pregnant daughter would even allow him to help knowing you need him right now.  Let us know how it goes.

Racy

You are not being unreasonable. I am single and went through chemo alone so I know how you are feeling physically and emotionally. I know we all tend to put on a brave face to spare others but maybe in this case you need to make it more obvious how sick you are, even if you have to exagerate a bit. Maybe then he will get the message.

Kaara

cfdr:  That sounds like a good plan.  Give him a chance to express his emotions as well..he might be holding back so as not to upset you.  Sending you prayers that this all works out for both of you.

hrf

It's also possible that he is totally stressed out and struggling with everything. He is wanting to be helpful to all. Maybe there is room for compromise on this. He is also affected by everyone else's needs and demands. 

mumito

My husband had a really tough time with my DX. He was scared to death that I was just going to die like his father and grandmother who all passed from cancer.Men have a different way of dealing with this stress.Be patient give him some space and time I'm sure he willcome around and be there for you.

Blessings2011

Aw, cfdr, I'd feel the same way if my DH did that!  Oh, wait.....he did.......

I don't know your hubby, but I do know this about men: they want to fix things. They want to DO something, and see results. They like to see a beginning, and the finished product.

His mom's illness may be time-limited. She may be elderly, alone...he may be feeling guilty or responsible....who knows. He may see that she gets better, feels good about helping, and comes home knowing he did "the right thing". You won't know his reasoning until you ask him.

His daughter's house painting? Project! Beginning and end! Finished product!!! Satisfaction!!!

Yeah, he may be looking for reasons to get out of the house, but he also may be feeling terribly useless and helpless because he can't "fix" you.

I'm just starting out in my cancer journey, but I do have other, serious chronic conditions. In the beginning, my DH would seem to be so angry all the time. He found all sorts of ways to take up his time, and most of them did not include me. I got to the point where I would rather he be elsewhere if he didn't really want to be with me. He would do whatever I asked him to do, but eventually I got tired of asking. I thought if he really loved me, he'd know what I needed, and would volunteer to do it. Wrong.

But things changed. We finally hit bottom, and started really talking about what was going on with us. I learned how impotent he felt, and how angry it made him that he had no control over my illness. I learned that I was getting emotional and upset because he wasn't reading my mind.

I am hopeful that this breast cancer challenge will bring out the best in us instead of the worst. He is more open to sharing his fears. I am more open to sharing my needs. I praise him for the little things he does, and that makes him want to do more for me.

One thing I have to really be careful of: when I make a request, I word it as plainly as possible. I state my need, and why I need it. I don't point out all the things he doesn't do, or the things he got wrong. When I communicate plainly, it gives him an idea of something he can do, and while the finished product might not be visible (my comfort) it is much appreciated and valuable.

Big prayers for you both!

Kaara

blessings2011:  GREAT ADVICE! And so true.

Shrek4

blessings2011 has it right. My significant other was an angel through all this, but after it was over and I started recovering he told me that the thing that was kiling him the most was seeing me like this and knowing he couldn't do a thing to make things better.  

Did you think that maybe what your DH is doing is just this? That maybe he runs away from home so he doesn't have to deal with something that scares him and makes him feel helpless?

Sometimes we are too focused on ourselves, and we don't realize how much our dear ones are affected by what is going on. 

Try and talk to him, in a calm way, without complaints and demands. Try to understand what he feels. Make him feel useful. 

Makratz

I think  you need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel.  He probably feels helpless when it comes to your treatment so is going elsewhere to be helpful.  Talk to him.  It may just be what you both need.  Tell him you can;t cook dinner for awhile.  It's OK to do that.  If he doesn't want to help cook, he can order out or get a loaf of bread and some PB and J.  Hope things look up for you soon!

cfdr

Thank you, thank you all for your feedback.

I did talk to him and ask how he was feeling about all this...but he's one of those guys that avoids acknowledging that feelings even exist, so that went nowhere. Before he left to take care of his mom, he did actually vent about how he was being pulled in so many directions. And he's said how he's looking forward to a couple days when he can take a break. So I know he's feeling stressed, but I also think he's brought a lot of that stress on himself. He actually really resented going to his mom's, and he's the one who insisted on repainting his daughter's entire house himself. I agree that it's a "fix it" mentality...painting has no emotional baggage, his trip to his mom had a start and end date, whereas my situation is emotionally more difficult and will be continuing for at least another 5 weeks.

One thing that makes me realize that he's having issues is that he gets very uncomfortable (while denying that he's uncomfortable) and has made a couple of odd comments when I'm not wearing my turban.

I told him that I really need him here for the worst part of the next (and last!) cycle. I need him home in the evenings, and maybe coming home for lunch for the two worst days of it. When the time comes I will need to reiterate that. He did say that he realized that the fatigue is getting progressively worse.

The whole fix-it mentality is so strange. I don't expect him to fix anything, but just refilling my water glass when I'm a fatigue zombie would mean the world to me. But I guess he doesn't see that as fixing anything so it doesn't count? It's not like I'm asking him to paint the house for me!

Kaara

Rome wasn't built in a day.  Wait and see what the next week or two brings.  He might need some gentle reminders that you are counting on him to be there for you during this difficult time.  Maybe buy a nice wig to wear so he doesn't get uncomfortable when he sees you without a turban.  I purchased a wig in anticipation that I might lose my hair if I have to have radiation, and I've been wearing it around.  My boyfriend loves it!