So Cancer is No Big Deal Right?

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Kayce234
Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I am just unraveled and can't pull it back together.  My brother in law and 19yr old niece came over to bring a turkey to us that he got at work for Thanksgiving (my husband lost his job 6 days after my diagnosis).  During their visit they asked about my cancer - during the end of the discussion I was joking about a "pool" we were going to have on how many needles I'd get stuck with during the process.  Now my 2 11yr olds and my 15 yr old found this funny - from my brother in law and niece I got "now now, you aren't the only person to ever have cancer" and "can't you talk about anything but cancer"  I got up and left the room because I was devastated - my mother and husband who both live with me did nothing - said nothing, nothing.  How do I fight this battle in this house alone?

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  • Makratz
    Makratz Member Posts: 12,678
    edited November 2011

    I think that's why we are all here.  People think they get it, but they really dont.  Or most dont.  It takes some time to get used to this.  I avoid talking about my cancer with most people because they think that I;ve had my surgery did my treatment.......CURED!!  Maybe, maybe not.  Please continue to hang out on BCO and make some new friends here.  We get it!!!

    Sorry you had to go through that.

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  • determined3
    determined3 Member Posts: 128
    edited November 2011

    sorry. i don't have any great words......only to say i really get how you feel......unraveled.....sorry that ppl are as sensitive as they should be......know one who walks in our shoes would ever, ever make such a comment...

    take care.

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  • 37antiques
    37antiques Member Posts: 643
    edited November 2011

    I'm sorry, didn't you say they Asked about it??  I just would not discuss it with them at all, and if they ask again, say fine. Everything is fine.  Maybe say, well, I'm not the only person to ever have cancer, so I must be fine.

    This must be very stressful on the husband, from what I hear it is worse on those who surround us than on ourselves.  So take the lead, be very clear on what you want and how you want things handled, because maybe your mom and DH just didn't know quite how to react.

    Hang in there, we're fighting with you

    ((Hugs))

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  • bcisnofun
    bcisnofun Member Posts: 488
    edited November 2011

    Hi Kristen - I totally get it.  Totally.  People don't know how to react.  And it's so simple to them.  Frustrating!

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  • thefuzzylemon
    thefuzzylemon Member Posts: 2,630
    edited November 2011

    Ahhhh....I always think about the hen house at times like these (check out OMG They Found a Cure for Stupid - start from the beginning....it's awesome).

    I'm just going to be a little open here and say what I have to say - People can be SOOOO insensitve and have the stupidest things come out of their mouth - no respect for anyone else.  They can't begin to comprehend how the receiver (BC Patient) might feel about it!!!  I had to drop my manners - I just got so sick of it. 

    So...you gotta take care of you darlin'.  That's for sure.  Start with that thread I mentioned, find a nice size brick (response for stupid people), and whack em with it when they need it!!

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  • linnyhopp
    linnyhopp Member Posts: 567
    edited November 2011

    So sorry to hear what happened.  I understand it's hard to know what to say sometimes, but it's always better to be positive than to try and negate the feelings of someone who is going through this.  What we feel at the time is what we feel and I know at times talking about it just helps.  Please continue to hang in and hang out here.  You will get lots of support and we all understand the unraveled feeling at times.  Hugs and blessings to you...Linda

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  • Kayce234
    Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
    edited November 2011

    Thanks so much for all the responses, you all are really getting me through this.  I don't think I've really accepted my diagnosis yet - the doctors are so positive that I feel like "this is nothing, I can do this no problem" but to have some one say these things to me...It's been 2hrs and I haven't stopped crying....

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  • thefuzzylemon
    thefuzzylemon Member Posts: 2,630
    edited November 2011

    We are all here for you.  It's a bumpy, bumpy ride...but part of a journey.  I have found friends (no, sisters!!) that I will have forever - right here on these boards.  This is our place - your place - and I wouldn't have made it through the past year withour all these amazing, beautiful women on these boards - cry, laugh, debate, play games - it's all here.

    Gentle Hugs.  Keep talking with us.  If you use up your "5 per day postings", send out PM's...

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited November 2011

    Kaycee, you can count on support and understanding here!

    And if you want to help them understand better, the section Talking to Your Family and Friends About Breast Cancer on the main Breastcancer.org site may be helpful.

    Judith and the Mods

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  • cinnamonsmiles
    cinnamonsmiles Member Posts: 779
    edited November 2011

    I feel so bad for you from their insensitivity. The first thing that came to my mind is that you aren't the only person in the world to have cancer, until by some chance THEY get it. Then they will/would think differently. I don't have much family or friends, most of the insensitivty came from medical staff!!

    Talk about it all you need to, just not to those yahoo's. I am so torn between telling your son and niece off outright, being sarcastic about it, or just not talking to them at all. 

    I was diagnosed 12/2/10, but pretty much knew I had cancer when I found the lump in October 2010.  I still think about and talk about my cancer a lot, because I have severe post mastectomy pain sydrome and am having a hysterectomy and ovaries/tubal removal that I would not have needed were it not for cancer.  I just don't talk about it to my mom who would rather it just get swept under the rug (but if my brother,son or nephews gets a hang nail, its like oh my gosh, the world is coming to an end).

    But on a good note, kudos to you for finding some humor in your illness!! Keep on talking and joking with those you feel comfortable with.

    I have no idea about your mom, but could you find a quiet moment to talk to your husband about how that made you feel??

    I just CAN NOT fathom someone as callous as them to say now now you aren't the only one in the world with cancer and that you talk about it so much. You were just diagnosed, it's a horrible, stressfull thing to hear. Keep talking, but not to them. It is so hard when family members disappoint when we get such a horrible illness like cancer.

    Take care, and keep in touch with us! We care and you can never talk about cancer too much with us! 

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  • mikita5
    mikita5 Member Posts: 373
    edited November 2011

    Kristen,

    So sorry you had to go thru that.....Please try not to think about them.. They're immature and insensitive. Surround yourself with caring people. And always, always.........come here to vent.

    Mega hugs your way!

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  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited November 2011
    bump
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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited November 2011

    I recently wrote about this on my blog.  Other people have no idea.  I think I spent so much time convincing everyone I was fine that they think I am cured.  I was stage 1 and none of my doctors said I was "curable".  People don't 'get it" at all and their stupid comments or lack of concern is hard to deal with at times.  I am sorry you were so hurt by your family.   You know you can come here any time and find support and encouragement and most of all people that "get it".  Hugs!

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  • orangemat
    orangemat Member Posts: 645
    edited November 2011

    Being in the company of like-minded people is SO important, regardless of the issue. I think every time we get slapped in the face with an insensitive remark from a close friend or family member, that drives the point home even more. No matter how much these people love us (and no doubt they do), they just don't know what it's like from our point of view. We joke about it; are they allowed? They really don't know how to act, let alone react.

    Bad enough we've got the most dreaded of diagnoses, now we have to teach our loved ones how to speak to us? I say our plates are full enough, thank you very much.

    So rather than spend our precious energy (and sanity) on trying to "understand why" they could say such cruel things, I think that remembering that they will JUST NEVER GET IT is the more productive route. Again, this doesn't mean they don't love us...and of course remembering all that isn't easy, either...

    As I've said many times to DH, "I know you have the best of intentions, but honey, your delivery sucks!" Saying it bluntly like that not only breaks the tension (he laughs every time I say it; but geeze, why should I HAVE to say it so often??), but it also gets it through to him (thick skull notwithstanding) that he's not being supportive to me in a manner that will actually help me. Who knows best what will help me, him or me? Believe it or not, they think that THEY know best. So remind them that they don't, and at the same time (if you can manage it), tell them how they can do it right.

    Pause. Take a breath. And remember you're not alone.{{{hugs}}}

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  • She
    She Member Posts: 503
    edited November 2011

    People can be jerks, whether it is intentional or not.  I'm 15.5 years into this so I lost any semblance of politeness on this topic a long time ago.  I cleared out an entire shoe store once.  The salesman was pushing me to buy some little thing with a pink ribbon 'for the cure'.  He wouldn't let it go, so in a very loud voice I told him I thought donating both my breasts to breast cancer was a big enough donation.  Shut him up and everyone in the store stampeded out the door.

    Sadly, as the person with BC, you will probably have to grow a thicker skin.  People are either 'stuck on stupid' or just have no filter for what comes out of their mouths.  Do read the OMG thread, it is priceless.  Any try to laugh at the idiots that say insensitive things.  Laughter in response to the kind of comments you got would have confused the helloutta them :) 

    All the best, She

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  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited November 2011
    I read this somewhere on one of these threads and I use it quite often...most of the time it shuts people up..here goes.....once you hear the word cancer and your name in the same breath your life has changed forever....after i say those words people ususally shut their damn mouths.....yes ya need to have tough skin....this damn moster is real tough...we gotta be tougher....AND WE ARE!!!!!!
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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited November 2011

    All I can do is agree with the others.   No one but us truly gets it.   They think you have your treatment, and then it's over, like it's the *&^%&ng flu. 

    Even my mom told me the cancer talk was getting "boring".    I was speechless.

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  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited November 2011
    This is the reason for BCO...once again THANK YOU...
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  • Reality
    Reality Member Posts: 782
    edited November 2011

    Thank goodness for BCO. The insensitivity and selfishness of some people is truly unbelieveable. My EX-significant-other of 14 years asked me when my hair would grow back. (I finished chemo Aug. 30). I told him there is no magic date when it suddenly appears and that I did not know when it would be back to the way it used to be - or even if it will ever be the way it used to be. He told me to ask my onc. when it will be back. I told him that I would not ask as it will grovw back when it does - who cares at this point!  He stated that I would probably feel a lot better about myself if I had hair, and that I would once again be interested in having sex. Jerk! He was worried about my hair and sexual desire - I was (am) worried about recurrence and mets

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  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited November 2011
    Anna-sure its no big deal to him...he is thinkin with his you know what...how about him havin a peckergram!!!!!!Oh how i wish that day would come!!!!!
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  • kelleysgroi
    kelleysgroi Member Posts: 227
    edited November 2011

    Kaycee- it amazes me that anyone expects us to think about or talk about anything else..this is all consuming..not only do we have endless Dr appts for chemo or radiation or bloodwork or checkups to check surgical sites..to talk about next surgeries or deal with side effects, but what about the constant inner turmoil..the what ifs or whats gonna happens or i dont feel good or I feel good or..on and on and on..I dont think my brain has any idea how to think about anything else.  Continue to rely on the support of all your sisters here..we get it!

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  • jojoxoxo
    jojoxoxo Member Posts: 34
    edited November 2011

    I'm sorry you had to endure those thoughtless comments.

    I really don't think anyone else can truly get it unless they've walked in our shoes.  Just the same way I will never truly know what someone with rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia experiences.   

    It's so easy for people to say stuff like that until it happens to THEM, and then they see that it's not just the illness, it's an all-consuming experience that affects pretty well every area of your life.  And even after treatment, it doesn't just go away---there are enduring side effects, risks of recoccurance, and accomodations that many breast cancer survivors will make for the rest of their lives.

     It's like the myth of Damocles --- enjoy yourself at life's banquet but you've always got that sword hanging over your head.

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