While in Treatment, I Discovered that My Husband is a Sex Addict

cb451

I am wondering if anyone on these boards can relate to my experience?

I discovered during bc treatment that my husband of 23+ years is a sex addict.  I have been living with this discovery since July.  I now know more about sex addiction and codependency than I ever imagined, having read extensively on the topic since discovery and having been immersed in expensive, specialized therapy and support groups.  To the point where I sometimes forget that I had bc.

I am reaching out because I am not simply the codependent wife of a sex addict; I am also a cancer survivor.  I will have to live with both realities for the rest of my life.  Sexual addiction is not something that can be discussed with friends, ergo my anonimity.  I have connected with women in various support groups but none of them have had cancer. 

I've endured two major blows.  At times the stress, grief, alienation and anger are unbearable. 

Has anyone else walked this path?

tiedyemom

Still there?  Can we private message??

cb451

Yes

debbie6122

Cb-So sorry you are having to deal with such a  sensitvie subject like this while going through Breast cancer.

When I found out my ex was on the internet looking at sex sites, it turned my stomach, this was years ago and didnt know much about the computer and somehow stumbled across it in the history file. I talked to him about it and he said he was ashamed of himself and would not do it anymore. I never told my friends or family except my sister. I was so imbarresed, and at the time blamed myself for maybe not being as intimate as much as he would of liked. ( 4 times a week was not enough) Then I saw the phone bill and he was calling sex sites. Confronted him about that and of course he denied it, even though it was right there in front of his eyes in black and white. I kind of tryed to forget but had trouble having any intimate contact with him. I asked him to see a sex therapist but he refused. A few months later I was looking through the computer and notifced he was looking, not only at porn sites but young girl porn sites, Thats when I said we are done.Told him he needed help and I was not the person to help him. never did tell the rest of my family, because i felt so humiliated. But Now i have a wonderful husband and I know it was not my fault at all, he was just sick.

I know how you feel Cb, if you want to stay with him, please ask him to get help, Its like an alcoholic or drug addict, they cant do it alone, they need professional help, God bless and good luck to you, ((((((hugs))))))))

Reality

Cb-Thanks for starting this thread. I have been hesitant to start one or write about this on another relationship site, but have really felt the need to share my story and receive the support I receive and give on other threads. I recently ended a 14 yr. relationship due to my ex's sex addiction and incessant smoking. He ignored all the data I have tried to share with him about what his second-hand smoke could do to me and told me to stop harping on him. Fortunately, we did not live together, so I told hiim I was done and asked him to leave me alone. So far, he has left me alone. He actually told me that he was so glad he now has internet access as he can find "all kinds of porno now". He says it is it great to be able to do so since I am "out of commission most of the time now". I admit that I tried to ignore his addiction in the past. When I would get tired of his constant hounding for sex, I would mention the possibility of him being obsessed or addicted. He said he was just a normal man who had to have his needs met. Since I started treatment, I have been getting rid of things I do not need in my life - things that do not make me happy - I cleaned out my closet, attic and drawers. I traded-in an expensive car that I never liked and got one I can really afford, and I got rid of a selfish man so I would have more time to spend with my family and the friends I truly want to be with. I have not seen him or talked to him in two weeks - I feel a great sense of freedom. I hope that you find professional help for significant other, or the freedom from his addition. 

kiley56

WOW anagram, Glad to hear you got that blood sucker out of your life!  Take care and keep moving forward!   Kiley

Reality

Thanks, Kiley. Best wishes to you, also.

cb451

Thanks, gals, for sharing your experiences.  My husband was not deviant but compulsively unfaithful.  We are both in therapy now, individually and as a couple.  I do not know if our marriage is salvageable but I am not in a hurry to make any life-altering decisions.  For the present, I am simply concentrating on my recovery and my children.  One day at a time.

debbie6122

CB451- good luck too you i hope it works out, just take care of yourself!!

God bless!

Debbie

rn4babies

cb451 - I just found out my husband is having an affair. I'm currently doing rads and just don't know how do deal with this now. I found out things about him I never knew after 30 years! PM me if you'd like.

Reality

rn- My heart aches for you - My ex-significant-other of 14 yrs. recently stated that he could not believe I would end our relationship after he "waited" for me to be back in "commission' (for sex)

Sometimes he would actually say that it was no big deal when I would call to cancel a visit - we live in separate places - He stated that he knew we were not going to be "doing anything" (sex), anyway. I realized right then, that to him, the most important part of our relationship was having convenient sex. When I advised him that I would like to remain friends, (I really do not want to - it just made breaking-up a little less harsh), and that he should begin to look for another person to be romantically involved with, he stated that he could wait a little longer for me as he really did not want to "break-in someone new". I have not seen him or spoken to him in three weeks. I do not miss him at all... 

cb451

Dear rn4babies, I am so sorry.  I really feel for you.  I, too, discovered that my husband led a highly compartmentalized, secret life.  The discovery is devastating. 

Let me share some resources, with you and any other woman in our shoes:

One of the first books I read was "Deceived, Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black.  This book was a life line.  "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody.  While I only found portions of this book applicable to me, it helped explain the nature of codependency, the condition that allowed me to live in denial with addiction.   Every morning I read "The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations on Codependency" by Melody Beattie.  For a compelling first-hand account, read "A House Interrupted" by Maurita Corcoran.

For support, you may want to look into groups like COSA (codependent spouses of sex addicts) and S-ANON (spouses of sex addicts).  My husband and I attend RCA (recovering couples anonymous).  For professional counseling, I suggest a doctor who specializes in addiction and codependency.

I am so sorry for your heart and soul.  As painful as this is, your discovery will eventually lead you to a better place.  In the meanwhile please take good care of yourself.  You've had two horrific blows.  The stress of discovery delayed my recovery.  I am happy to PM with you anytime.