Wrong to play the cancer card?

SheChirple

A little backstory.  Sorry it's really long.  

My 29 y/o son is in the US Navy, since age 18.  He has been stationed on the east coast since enlistment in January, 2000. I live in California.   During his time there, he got married and had 2 kids.  I made 4 visits to his home, when he got married, when he had each child, and one other time, just because.  I have three other children at home, whom I left behind each time (except the wedding) with my husband so that I could visit my son and my new grandkids.  He/they never once came to California.  They made a trip every year for 3 weeks to visit the wife's family in Ohio, about a 12 hr drive. This bothered me, but I accept that. It's expensive to travel across the country.

Sept, 2008 he finally got moved to CA, about 4 hr drive from my home.  We were so excited. We talked about us visitng them and them visiting us, about once a month, swapping off who drives.  As it turns out, I have gone up there about every three months.  They have come down here 4 times in the three years.  I have given them money for gas to make the trip because they never have gas money (although they buy new TVs, cars, etc...).  Money is always the excuse.  Okay. Fine.  I don't push it.

My mother always told me "a sons a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life."  Mom warned me sons cling to their wives and forget their mothers.  I can take that.

My DIL is always posting on Facebook about how much she misses her family, how much she wants to move to OH to be with her family, etc.... She has threatened to just take the kids to OH and let him work out his final 9 years alone in the US Navy while she makes a home for her and the boys in OH.  WTF?  OH, well, she hasn't actually done it, so.... Sometimes I have chalked it up to her being lonely, or unhappy.  Sad.

Well, the US Military is cutting back forces, and my son is one of the casualties.  He recieved notice on Monday.  He will be separated sometime before 09/01/2012.  So, they are facing some real changes.  Essentially, he is being laid off / fired and they will have to move.  As early as January, as late as September, 2012.

So, I"m not surprised to see her FB postings about finally getting to move to OH, mixed in with her fears of being unemployed and homeless.

On one of her postings, my MIL, who is my son's grandmother and lives about 20 minutes from me, was empathizing and stated that they really should come down and visit before they head east.  My DIL response was "well, due to money issues" they will not be headed this way to visit.

So, here' is where I'm a BAD MOM and played the cancer card.  I sent my son an email.  I basically said that I understand he is in a rough place right now, with the lay off news, not knowing where he is going to end up, a job, etc... That I know he has to put the wife and kids first, and I understand they will most likely move to OH when he separates.  However, that I am about to go through toughest period of my life, fighting cancer, and I really really would like them to come visit before they leave California, whenever that is. 

Now I stopped short of the dramatic guilt trip of "I may die and you'll never forgive yourself if you leave California without visiting, only for me to die before you get back to see me." That would be wrong.  However, given that he spent 8 years on the east coast and never came home once, I imagine that with a wife and 3 kids, once they leave CA I'll never see him again, nor my grandkids, unless I make it to OH.  Me making it to OH is unlikely in the immediate future due to my treatments.

So, am I wrong to expect that HE at least come visit and bring my grandbabies before they leave?  I mean, I don't even know exactly when that is going to be.  I'm sure their life is in it's own turmoil.

It is weird because I really like my DIL, and she likes me.  We get along very well.   When they are here we actually "hang out".  Her choice.  She's really a nice lady, and she offers to and seems to enjoy spending time with me. We go shopping, go out to eat, etc... Just her and I. 

Okay, rant done.  But, am I wrong?

BlueCowgirl

No. You are right. And I am sorry.

I am the "daughter for life" and my brother is the son with a wife in my family's scenario. I am here with my dad who has cancer, and my brother is just a few hours away and is always too "busy" to come visit. Yet has time for camping, weekend trips, etc. You get the picture.

I posted a thread from my perspective a few days back and got some very insightful - and varied - responses. I hope you do too. Look for the thread titled "when a family member is not participating" if you want to read some of the words of wisdom I received there.

I sincerely hope you get to spend some time with your son and his family before they move. Looking forward to reading responses here too,..

Bug hugs to you and prayers that you have many, many years ahead to spend time with your family.

chrissyb

Hi SheChirple and sorry you even need to ask this question.  It is indeed difficult with sons and your mom was right when she said a son was yours until he married, that being said, it is still nice to be able to see and spend time with your grandchildren and in this case, I would use the 'Cancer' card for all its worth.  Good luck!!!!

Love n hugs.  Chrissy

SheChirple

Thank you both.  After a good nights sleep I feel a little better and almost sorry I sent the email. But, I was literally in tears.  So, maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.

BlueCowgirl: I actually read your thread the other day and did see some quite helpful responses.

I am so early in this journey, just now facing my first surgery in less than 2 wks, so my emotions are quite raw.

SpecialK

SheChirple - I have a son in college in Virginia (he is 23) and a daughter in college here.  I see him once or twice a year, he goes to school full-time, works almost full-time, and is a volunteer firefighter two nights a week. I wish he would call more often, just to say hello, but I know that he is very busy. I have seen him 3 times since I was diagnosed about 14 months ago, for the holidays and a family wedding. He did not grow up here so has no ties to this area, other than seeing us when he comes to visit. The last time he was here I made him come to chemo with me, so that he could see what treatment is like for me.  My daughter has had much more exposure to all of this because she is here - I thought it was only fair that he share in the experience too. My husband spent 28 years in the military, just left active duty 2 years ago, so we have always been separated from family - I so understand how hard this is for you. It is never wrong to clearly state how you are feeling and what you want and need, especially in this early period after diagnosis.  Now that you have put your feelings on the line your son will have to make a decision about coming to see you, but at least it will be made with the full understanding of your state of mind.  I hope you have an opportunity to spend some time together soon.  Best to you! 

pebee

I have a similar issue -

I am in the middle of the country- my family is on the east coast.  This year was suppose to be the year that we went there for the holidays.  Unfortunately, I will be in radition at that time so we can't drive, and 5 round trip plane tixs (leave late 12-23, back 12-26) are just not happening....

So, now I am getting pressure from my mom - why can't I come out.  It isn't fair, it is our year, why aren't you coming?

For the record, my parents do make it out at least once a year, I would go back once a year.  this year, I sent two kids out by plane this summer by themselves so that they could see their grandparents.  One brother has come out 3 times in 14 years, the other twice.  One visit for each of them was this spring after I got diagnosed.  My mom had come out twice since being diagnosed.

I am not sure what to do.  Can perhaps Southwest Airlines do a commercial called "why people who are in the middle of medical treatments should not travel"  It doesn't even have to be breast cancer - just treatment in general........

A long time ago, my grandmother said that sickness and death trumps all other life events -after all, you can always see the bride and groom after the wedding.  I just want to slap some people and ask them "what exactly are you thinking?"

FireKracker

I PLAYED THE CANCER CARD AND MADE MY SON FEEL LIKE SHIT...

lovemyfamilysomuch

I really feel for you She--it sounds like a very painful situation.  As for "playing the card" it sounds to me like you very directly stated your feelings and asked for what you want.  That is healthy.  I hope and pray that you son and daughter in law show some empathy and make you a priority in their lives.  Your grandkids deserve it.  Good luck! xo

Kaara

I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I'm getting ready to play mine!  My DGD called again today crying that she had a fight with the father of my GGD and couldn't live with him anymore.  Translated that means she wants a) to move in with us, which ain't happenin, or b) we help find her a place to live in which case we have to come up with money for deposit, etc.  In the meantime, my DS washes his hands of the entire thing and he and my DIL continue with plans to send my other DGD (the princess) to college, along with the nice car he bought her.  I love her, but she is overindulged and her sister is ignored.  This is not fair.

I'm calling him tomorrow, telling him he needs to step up to the plate and take some responsibility for his older daughter and his granddaughter, that I'm facing a huge health crisis, and can't handle this stress right now.  

It's really too bad that we have to do these things to get the attention of people who should be doing the right thing in the first place, and as far as I'm concerned, they have it coming!  Don't waste one minute feeling guilty!

hrf

It's always fair to tell how you are feeling. Now have a talk with the 2 of them and together develop a plan that works for everyone.

I have 3 sons ---- fortunately, they live close by but there s no question that boys are different with their mothers than girls are. And I have wonderful DsIL.   

SheChirple

Thank you.

Iz_and_Lys_Mum

Absolutely not wrong at all! I think boys just think differently to girls though, so im sure you are always in his thoughts, even if he doesnt always show it. And theres nothing wrong with showing your feelings - im sure they would be more upset if you didnt let them know



Love and hugs xxx

Thatgirl

She,

In my journey, I've come to realize and accept that people do not change because YOU(WE) got BC. You mentioned for 8 years he choose not to visit you. I know it hurts but that's what he choose. So by you playing the cancer card you are trying to force him or make him feel guilty.

I don't want people to pity me or feel like that have to do it. I want them to come because that's where they want to be.

I would voice my feelings and then leave it up to him. 

SheChirple

I've had a nice long talk with my son.  He called me to talk.  He is scared (understandable).  He has a lot going on in his life right now, too.  I respect that.  He has it coming from all angles.

They will not be leaving the state until next September.  He is committed to coming down before Christmas, and several times over the next year.  They have given him the opportunity to burn vacation time he has built up, so he will be down soon.

I still have my misgivings about how they focus on her family so much, but that is the way a good man treats his wife.  So.....

All is good.

Kaara

Well I played the cancer card today when I couldn't get an app't with my PCP to get clearance for my surgery on the 12th of Dec.  They were giving me the runaround saying that they had no openings.  This is because I selected another hospital and doctor to do my surgery rather than the Cleveland Clinic where my PCP is located, and this is WHY I didn't go through them.  I always get a hard time when I try to make an app't then I have to wait forever to see the doctor.  I called three times, and then I threw a freaking fit on the phone with the coordinator suggesting that how dare they not give priority to people facing a life threating illness like bc!  Five minutes later I had my app't.  Isn't it sad that you have to get angry and pushy to get what you need these days!  I don 't feel the least bit guilty about playing the cancer card!

FireKracker

Good for you Kaara-----i dont care what anyone says when you need to play the cancer card ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

SheChirple

I had to do that when I called to schedule my pre-op.  LOL, they gave me a date 2 wks AFTER my scheduled surgery and the lady on the phone insisted that was the best she could do, that was all he had open.  Duh, head hit table.  Literally.  Really?  DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE TERM PRE-OPERATIVE APPOINTMENT? Be definition is is PRIOR TO THE SURGERY. I mean really.........

Kaara

I guess these large reputable hospitals like Cleveland Cllinic don't realize that you're only as good as the person manning your front desk!  This was the last straw for me...looking for a new PCP after this is all over, and I'm going to write CC a nice long letter telling them why.  Like they really care...but I'll feel better!

Granny:  Are you back in your peaceful environment yet?  Probably seems like a vacation!  I don't know how you did it.  I can't take on more than one of those little bundles of energy at one time. 

FireKracker

Kaara yes i am back.came back monday and unpacked.still had energy even yesterday.i just got out of bed today and its 8pm here...it finally hit me...im still exhausted but it was worth everthing.and i nver had to play the cancer card once.ha.i just quit.hugggggggs K