Unwanted Opinions

Kayce234

I was just diagnosed on Thursday - don't even have my official stage or full pathology yet and I can't believe I'm posting here in this forum already.  Everyone around me has been so supportive, my kids have been amazing but my sister (I have 2 sisters and 1 brother)  came over today for the 1st time and threw me into a crying mess.  My oldest sister left work and came over when I told her on Thursday, my brother who I don't have the best relationship with sent me an amazing email, my cousins came over on Thursday and the friends I have told have been very supportive.  My other sister texted me a few hours after I told her Thursday, then when I texted back that people were over and she was welcome to come (she is 15 min away) she said she was going to her neighbors house to visit him (he was diagnosed with cancer about a month or 2 ago) and said she's be over at some point this weekend.  Well she showed up today - went to my Mom's side of the house - when I went over she was discussing her daughter in college - which she continued to do for 10min - then asked me about my results and proceeded to judge me and try to fight with me.  She didn't like that I told my children, she didn't like that I was telling people becuase in her words "there is nothing to tell, we know nothing" - I know something I have Cancer!!!  She keeps treating it like its a cavity i'll have removed and filled - saying well it they will probably just take out the lump and you'll be done with it.  Yes that would be amazing and I will be thrilled if that's the case but as she said we don't know - I could have to go through hell and I could die.  I don't want pity, i don't want anything from anyone I just don't want to be judged or made to feel horrible.

I've told my husband I will not deal with people who won't be supportive and keep their mouth shut.  The decisions are going to be hard enough without people judging me for them.  How do you ignore it and get passed it?  I'm just a mess and was doing so well until she came over. 

voraciousreader

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I am sure others will join in and explain how raw their emotions were when they were first diagnosed. Others will explain how this one and that one pissed them off. Navigating this maze is awful. It is a journey that none of us wanted to join and we were never given a map to where it will lead. Hang in there. Once you have a treatment plan, and after some time has passed, you will arrive at a new normal and I promise many of the things that are upsetting you now will no longer bother you in the future as they do now. When you arrive at your new normal, you will welcome it and wonder when you get there... What took so long! Thoughts and prayers to you.

Tatina123

Kayce, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through..... I could literally write a chapter on this subject for a book. Opinions.....I still get them whether i want them or not. I have had to ween out one particular person whom sent me over the edge with comments such as: "Why aren't you your cheery self (5 days after my BMX)," "I don't think you prepared yourself enough for your bilateral mastectomy (how does one do that; is there a dress rehearsal I missed?), and, "You don't look so good, when is the last time you had a slice of pie?"



Kayce, we need to weed them out.....

leaf

I am so sorry to hear both, about your diagnosis, and second, about the way some other people treat you.  I started out being open about everything at work, and ended up, after comments that hurt very much, now even have an alias.  (I work where I get some of my medical care.) 

I think most people who have not had cancer first react with shock or horror, then try to think of some reason why you must have done something wrong to get your cancer.  (They probably think this somehow protects them from cancer."Its because you are fat" or "What evil thing did you do to bring this on?")  Then, they either try to scare you ('I'll come to your funeral', "A friend just died of breast cancer") or minimize your experience ('I know just how you feel; I just got a tooth pulled.")

The night before I got my excision, I got told from (essentially) a male stranger  (not a doctor, let alone my doctor) that he recomended that I have "bilateral mastectomies, because a colleague had what you have, and that's what she did."   Very few people were respecting my feelings.  They certainly thought I should not have felt the way I did. 

Whatever way you choose and feel is the right way for YOU.  No one should judge your feelings or choices. 

otter

Kayce, I have 3 theories -- any or all of which could be totally off-base.

Theory #1:  Your sister is in denial.  She ignores you; she acts as if there is nothing important going on with you; she pretends it's just a hangnail and you'll be fine with a dab of Neosporin and a band-aid.  She is blocking your cancer diagnosis out of her mind.  She is refusing to even think about it.

Why might she be doing this?  The most common reason, I think, is that she is afraid -- either for you, or for herself.  She is trying to distance herself from your "disease".  She might be afraid of losing you (this would depend on your previous relationship with her).  She might be afraid that, if you have breast cancer, she could get it too (your dx causes her statistical risk to go up).  She might simply be afraid of ... well, lets' face it:  she might be afraid of death.  Even if your dx is very favorable (which you don't know yet), cancer is a demon.  It's some people's greatest fear.  Maybe she is trying to keep it at bay by pretending it's not there.

Theory #2:  Your sister is ignoring your diagnosis because she's afraid it (and you) will capture all the limelight.  The validity of this theory would depend on your previous relationship with her, and on your family dynamics.  She might be concerned that, if she acknowledges your diagnosis and becomes involved in the discussion and support, this will take attention away from whatever is happening in her life.  It's as if there is only one pie, and giving you a bigger piece means her slice is smaller.  People who immediately divert the conversation toward themselves might be saying, "Hey, don't forget about me!  I'm having a difficult time, too!  She's not the only one with problems!".  It's sad, but true, that people behave this way.

Theory #3 is related to #1:  Your sister is refusing to confront your diagnosis because she is afraid she will break down emotionally.  Your diagnosis has affeced her deeply; but instead of reaching out to you and offering sympathy and support, she is acting all cold and steely.  She has put a wall up, to protect herself against the embarrassment of seeming weak and emotional.  She does not want to cry in front of you or your mother, so she is avoiding the whole issue.  It's a form of self-preservation.

I have no idea whether any of this makes sense, or if it applies to your family.  It's just so, so common to hear what you're describing.  A woman who I'd always thought was a good friend as well as my closest co-worker did what you described.  Unlike everyone else, she avoided mentioning my diagnosis or asking how I was doing.  Finally, I suppose, she realized she had to say something; so she smiled and said, "Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine!"... and walked away.

I still don't know what that was all about.  I do hope you are able to close the door on your sister, at least during this difficult period you have ahead of you.  There is no reason to subject yourself to things, or people, that are not going to be helpful.  You need strength and affirmation right now; so walk away when it's apparent you aren't getting what you need.  You can come back and try to mend those fences later.

Hugs to you...

otter

TwoHobbies

I think your sister doesn't realize the impact that a breast cancer diagnosis has.  From afar, its easier to think you just do your treatment and you're done.  But it doesn't feel that way when you get the diagnosis.  We all know that and plenty of people in your life know that.  It's not unusal to find someone who doesn't do a good job at supporting you or kinowing what to say.  It's very unfortunate its your sister, but thankfully you have others around you who have surrounded you with good support.  I think I would have a frank discussion with her right now that her comments are not helpful.  When she gets cancer she is free to deal with it in whatever manner she sees fit, but this is your cancer and you will deal with it the way that's best for you. 

I personally think you are dealing with it in a healthier way.  You have cancer, you should be able to share that awful news with family and friends and not keep it hidden until you know more.  How ridiculous would that be, to try to be normal around your children and pretend and think you are fooling them.  Stand up to your sister if you need to, but mostly don't dwell on it.  It's her weakness and it looks like she's not able to be the support you need.  Surround yourself with those who are helping you and take care of yourself.     

otter

TwoHobbies said it best.

otter

changes

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'd suggest that you minimize the time you spend with nonsupportive people, and don't waste too much energy trying to figure out WHY they are nonsupportive. Spend your time and energy on those you can rely on - and it will become very obvious who they are.

I have found this problem continues, even when you are past "active" treatment. My oncologist ordered a bone scan for me, due to some pain I'm having and a "friend" (who has had cancer herself and should know better), informed me that I did NOT have a recurrence and she did not see why I needed the bone scan. Ummm...because the oncologist (you know the PHYSICIAN WHO STUDIED ONCOLOGY!) thought I needed one, and I trust his judgment a teeny bit more than that of  a part-time secretary (no cracks against secretaries, but I prefer my medical advice from physicians). People just love to tell other people what to do - and it's hard to just ignore them when you're teetering on the edge emotionally.

Sending hugs your way.

Anonymous

Dear Kayce, I've been very careful whom I share my dx with since end of Sept when I found out.  To me it's personal and although I'm not ashamed of it, I don't think everyone needs to know and I know so many different people. 

I've determined that this unfounded cancer stigma comes from two reactions that some people don't even know they are having when they find out WE have it: 1) they are reminded that THEY are lucky (for now), and are ashamed that they might be feeling a kind of "thank god it's you and not me" feeling. 2) They are reminded by us that no one seems to be completely safe from this disease (I'm fit, slim/lean, very active, non-smoker, vegetarian/low fat diet, breast fed my daughter, etc etc ad nauseaum, and I got it) and that scares the you-know-what out of them. 

Minimize your exposure to those that aren't kind and understanding and seek out those that are. You'll find lots of kindness on this forum so come here anytime you are feeling down. It helps (if you can ignore the downer-posts about awful chemo side effects and such...I had to be careful about that.).  XXOO Claire

FireKracker

I saw this today on someones post.it says it all.IF YOU HAVE NOT BEEN THERE DONT EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT IT!!!!!!perfect.....everyone knows lots of know it alls even tho they have no clue what it feels like to hear a dr say your name and the word cancer in the same sentence.Just shut up!!!!!!!ok....end of rant.

FLwarrior

Kayce ~ sorry to hear that your own sister has treated you this way.  I do have a great deal of understanding for you and your situation, my only sister has completely ignored me and not had one word to say about my dx to me (dx in Jan).  It truly sucks to not be supported by your own family!  I know I am not offering explanations and suggestions as others have, but I do offer you my understanding and empathy of how crappy the "sister" situation can be!!! 

Kayce234

Thank you all so much - as much as everyone has tried to make me feel better it wasn't till hearing from all of you that I've been able to just push it aside.  My focus is my journey to beating this and I've told my family and friends that if they can't stand by me and support me without opinions for comments I don't need them around right now.  My life is more important than their feelings.  Thank you so much!