Get Me Started - Need Tips

bizelstick

So we found out this past Friday and spent a miserable weekend.  My wife has several tests, visits with doctors and surgeons this week, etc.  She has spent a ton of hours online, and is going through the emotional roller coaster as well as changing her mind about everything hourly.

I am prepared to do whatever it takes for my wife and young daughter.  I will need your help as I am terrible at reading female minds and trying to "guess" what they want.

My first question:  She has insisted I promise to get remarried right away after she dies so my daughter has a mother growing up.  I have not made such as promise as I can't really get to the point of accepting she is going to die (and I have read enough online myself to know that there is a chance she will, and just as good a chance she will be with us for a few or even many years)

Thoughts on how to handle this?

grandad911

You can tell her you'll get remarried if that's what she wants to hear.  However, there's no reason to assume that she's going to die from breast cancer.  My wife was diagnosed last December.  It was a huge, huge blow that has sent me into a year-long depression, and believe me it's a long tough road to follow, but fortunately my wife has a close friend who had just finished her radiation treatment, and was able to support her.  Breast cancer is getting to be pretty common; not really sure why.  Between my parents and my wife, we know or know of a half-dozen people with BC, some of which have been in remission for 20 years.  It is a very serious disease, and should be treated as such, but it can be treated.  A lot will depend on what the doctors find - how aggressive is it, did it spread, etc.

The best thing to do - an a lot of people have shared this with me (see my post here) - is to communicate, be close, be supportive, and if at all possible, go with her to the appointments.  She needs to know you care and will do anything to help her get through this.  Keep posting, too - it's theraputic.

-Mark

Miles2Go

Hello, A cancer diagnosis becomes a couple, family, and community diagnosis.  Our experience and historical reference from the past 3 weeks as I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago.  1.  Promise your wife anything to support her in love; understand she wants to reassure herself you will take care of yourself or remarry, etc. should she die.  2.  "Cancer" is not the "death sentence" it was decades ago!  Get your collective minds around that truth.  3.   Cancer is no more scary WITH information than without it~so become informed along with her:  TALK with each other.  Hold her hand.  Cuddle.  4.  Remind you wife you love her, will support her in love no-matter-what, and accompany her to every appointment.  5.   If you meet with resistance, very kindly give her 2 options, either of which is acceptable to you, and ask her to make a choice (her making a choice allows her to exercise control).  6.  Control is an illusion, yet advocate for your wife and for yourself~I enjoy perpetuating the illusion.  These are off the top of my head as my husband have been on our own individual and collective roller coasters so I get it.  There is little information for men who are husbands, etc., most of the information is about how to support your wife.  You're off to a good start.  You both have promises to keep and miles to go...  Colorado Morning Glory

debbie6122

Bizzlestick- Im sorry your wife has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Your wife is lucky to have a caring husband who wants to be supportive so you are taking the right steps by being here.

You didnt mention anything about her breast cancer as far at grade/stage , er/pr ect, but if caught early it is very treatable. And you will find many of the ladies here with aggressive and stage 4 BC that are many years out from first diagnosis. 

Just being there for her, being understanding and supportive helps. Doing errands, going to tx with her if she wants you too. Hopefully you have family and friends that will pitch in to help clean and cook so it takes some of the stress off of you too. Hang in there it will get better.

Sending prayers and hugs to you and your wife

Debbie