Before breast cancer, a severe worry about paranoia

tarry

I was diagnosed in June 2011. In December 2010, my lovely 38 year old son was visiting his father and me. I've been worried about him since high school, when it became increasingly obvious that he is gay. His ability to make friends took a real hit.



Since then he's had some great succeses, but his ability to hold a job seemed to diminish. In dec of his visit it became clear: he thinks people are whispering about him, breaking into his apartment to fiddle with his computer, calling up his gym to talk about him, etc. He is paranoid. Since then we have struggled to get him into therapy, and then to get him to share his problems with his therapist. Paranoid people do not always think the problem is theirs.



Today we learned a new doctor has joined in his treatment. He is being given medication that is meant for schizophrenia or manic depressives. This is a great relief, but also a time for sadness.



And then there's me. On Thurs I learned that my department chair is trying to double my teaching load. I am nearly 70, and I won't be able to do it. And on Monday I start rads. But i feel calm, am taking things one step at a time.



Thank goodness for xanax. And for the models of strength and courage here.

Cowgirl13

Tarry, I am so sorry for your deep sadness about your son.  He will finally get the help he needs with medication that will address his needs.  Many people stabilize and lead good lives after medication and therapy.  Prayers for you at this time and i hope something can get worked out about work.  BTW, I am 65.  Take care and i'm thinking about you.

christina1961

Tarry,

I'm sorry for your sadness, too. I hope he will respond very well to the medication and help. I have a friend who is schizophrenic and once actually heard voices, but is completely ok with very low doses of medication and has been for several years. She is actually the most grounded and stable of my friends- very warm and encouraging person.

I have one more day of radiation - it hasn't been bad at all.  I've had to nap three times during the whole thing - during the last week- and on the weekends my energy seems to rebound.  I am younger - 50 - but I had 6 cycles of TAC, then unilateral MX then radiation. I'm starting more chemo the end of next week and nervous about that, but the radiation really was a piece of cake compared to the chemo. I've worked full time (which for me is about 15 hours a day) all through radiation. Absolutely could not do that the week after chemo!!

That's a beautiful kitty in your profile photo!

tarry

Christina, talk about cute kitties. Yours is irresistable.

I'm hoping my son'll be on a low dose, and will become better able to deal with complex, challenging thins. The story of your friend is encouraging. I'm so glad to hears your rads went alright. All my very best wishes with chemo.



Cowgirl, what a beautiful horse. Is she/he a friend? Thank you so much fror your comments. Finding caring in this community has been so impotant to me.

dragonfly55

Hi Tarry,

I am Bipolar and ADHD and have been on medication since 2000. (manic/depressive) It sometimes takes a while to find the medication that works best.  Also, the meds start on a lower dose and are gradually increased to the proper dosage to control your illness. The important thing here is that your son stay on his medication and be followed by a therapist. (I don't know much about how paranoia is, but  your son's reality is a challenge for him.   Mental illness is a very hard space to live. in.  My heart goes out to your son and family.  Please try to change your sadness to optimism. (at least near your son) These times will be a struggle but if you are hopeful and can be you (can't think of any other way of saying it) It will help your son. ( This only comes from my experience, therapist might tell you differently. but I don't know your son's condition. Follow therapists advice.)

I recently had a core biopsy with result, DCIS, high nuclear grade, ER-/PR-.  Told it is highly aggressive, but they caught it early.  I don't see my BS 'til Nov. 15.  Here in Canada, everything is slow. 

Take care of you and your family. 

lionessdoe

I have a son with schizophrenia. His diagnosis damn near broke my heart. He is such a sweet loving person and had such ambitious plans for his life. I wrote the following prayer because I coildn't find a prayer that covered what I needed to pray. I only hope it helps you!

                                               A Mother's Prayer for Mental Illness

As I stumble from my bed this morning, help me to remember to be gentle and kind. My child's mind is shredding into a million pieces. He lives in a constant state of atrocious fear. I can see it in his eyes. Give him peace.

Guide me as I hold him in my arms. Help me to know what to say, what to do. Fill my heart with healing love, understanding, and empathy.

Give me the strength of a thousand angels to hold back my tears. My heart is broken and a tidal wave of grief is overwhelming me with the need to cry. Give me the strength to bear it long enough to keep it from disturbing my child. Help me find someone I can safely bring it to.

Help me answer my family's questions with the same amount of compassion I would want for my self. Help me remember they are hurting too. This is an unwelcome assault on an entire family. My heart is not the only heart that is broken. We all need time and each other to heal.

As my journey becomes more and more isolative and lonely, remind me that the lack of involvement on the part of family and friends is not always because of the stigma and the ignorance. For many, it is because they are hurting too. They have the privelege of turning to their own lives. This is my family's life now. I must deal with it whether I am hurting or not.

Send me your best physicians and healers. Give me presence of mind, as I walk through the exhaustion of my grief to not settle for just any one no matter how tiresome the journey becomes.Help me adjust to the idea, that although it appears my son is gone, there will be no goodbye. And that he is still inside somewhere waiting for us to find him.

Infuse the creative part of my mind with solution oriented thinking. Give me hope. Even if it is just a glimmer of hope. A mother can go for miles on just one tiny glimmer. Let me see just a flicker of the sparkle of joy in his eyes. Guide my hands, calm my mind, as I fill out the multitude of forms for services. Then, help me do it again over and over .Provide me with the knowledge. Lead me to the books I need to read, the organizations I need to connect with. As you work though the people in my life, help me to recognize those that are here to help. Help me trust the right ones. Shine a light upon the right path.

Give me the courage to speak my truth; to know my son's truth. And to speak for him when he is unable to do it for himself. Show me when to do for him what he is not capable of doing for himself. Help me to recognize the difference.
Help me to stand tall in the face of the stigma; to battle the discrimination with the mighty sword of a spiritual warrior. And to deflect the sting of blame and faultfinding from the ignorant and the cruel.

Preserve my love for my family. Shield my marriage with the wisdom of the love that brought us together.

Protect him from homelessness, loneliness, victimization, poverty, hunger, hopelessness, relapse, drugs, alcohol, suicide, cruelty and obscurity.

Lead us to the miracles of better medications, better funding, better services, safe and plentiful housing, meaningful employment, communities that care, enlightenment. Help us to find some way to replace all the greed with humanitarian work and intrinsic reward again.
Most of all, give me the strength to deliver whatever I can to the work of unmasking the man made ugliness of this disease and revealing the human and all of it's suffering beneath.

Finally, when it is my time to leave my son behind, send a thousand angels to take my place.





 

tarry

Somehow I couldn't return to this post; it was so painful. I'm sorry I missed saying thank you for the wise statements. Lionessdoe I am very grateful to you for getting me back here with your words of wisdom. I'll hope too for a thousand angels and strength for myself to help him.

Kay_G

Tarry, you are not alone.  I have a 23 yo son and a 20 yo son who both struggle with depression.  And to make matters worse, the younger one did something stupid 9 days after his 18th bday and even though he wasn't convicted, will have the arrest on his record for the rest of his life.  I know if it wasn't for the depression, this would not have happened, and I worry because of it his future is ruined and he'll never be able to get a good job.  I think the stress from it may have brought on the bc in my case.  Any form of mental illness is such a terrible disease and causes so much heart break and anxiety to the whole family.  Wishing you well.

Lionessdoe, thank you for the prayer.  It is beautiful, will say it for both my sons and my teenage DD.

tarry

O kay1963, I am so sorry to hear about this. Have you talked to a lawyer about the arrest on his record and what it could mean? The NYC are busily arresting hundreds of people in the OWS protest; arrest might be less serious than you may think.



But no mother can escape great worries when our children hurt, and I am so grateful to those who have come here to share. I hope a thousand angels will bring us strength.