Why do I feel so calm????

Kathy9433

Recently diagnosed with Triple Negative...had lumpectomy (right breast) and SNB (all clear).  Had port inserted in my inner arm on 10/18/11 and will be starting chemo on Monday 10/24/11.  Four treatments of A C and four more of T (3 weeks apart) and then 5 weeks of radiation to follow.  I've had this strange calm all through this roller coaster ride.  Am I in La-La land or do I have my head stuck in the sand??  I read all the other posts and my heart goes out to everyone.  I haven't felt sick during any of this and feel grateful that I discovered the lump in my breast because otherwise I wouldn't have known!  That's the only thing that got me to the doctor.  Prayers to all :O)

Kathy

bak94

It's good to feel calm! Enjoy it and hope the calmness stays.

TifJ

If you feel this calm now- you will probably make it through just fine. For me the terror was at the beginning. Waiting for results, waiting for surgery, waiting to start chemo and waiting to lose my hair. I made it through pretty well, but think about BC every day and wonder if it will ever darken my doorstep again. I truly hope all goes well for you!

Kathy9433

Thanks ladies......I sometimes wonder is I am just naive or in denial.  I've read all I can find on the internet on this triple negative "stuff" and  it doesn't sound good :O(  But I've felt so normal through everything that it's hard to wrap my head around all the bad.  But I'm doing everything my doctors tell me to do and starting with a cancer discussion group through the Cancer Society near me.  Talking about things is always good.  So thanks for your responses :O) XOXOX 

Racy

Kathy9433, I was also calm during my diagnosis and treatment stages and obervers suggested it waz because I am an organised, task oriented person who was naturally disposed to focus on and put my energy into completing all the treatment steps and gathering as many resources as possible. From your posts I am guessing you may be that type of person too.



I felt there was a need not to ignore my feelings, even though they were suppressed. That's why I see a psychologist as part of my treatment team. Joining a support group is also a good place to start, as you have done, and the Cancer Society is another useful resource.



Wishing you all the best.

Kathy9433

Hi Racy,  I had to laugh...you described me exactly!!  I've ALWAYS functioned better by being proactive. (Maybe a little too much sometimes)  I'm looking forward to the support group..it will be great to talk to someone who has been through this and who knows....maybe I can help calm someone down!  :O)  Best to you, too  XOXO

yellowdoglady

Kathy 9433 and Racy,

Kathy has it right.  You are on a mission now to do everything right to get yourselves to the best possible outcome.  You are calm because you know what you are facing, and are focused.   Stick to your schedules as best you can, ask the questions and get the answers, and participate so you are in charge of your treatment.  It makes a difference; not only in the outcome, but in the way we experience the journey.  If we feel in control of our destiny, we will be more likely to call with a question, and ask for followup tests if we are concerned.  With a history of TNBC, doctors will be generous in giving you what you feel you need, and insurers will pay for it. 

I think we all feel that this is a life test we must do our level best to pass.  Best wishes to you both.  It's not as bad as you probably expect.  You can do this, and better still if you have a support group just to see that you are not at all alone while doing this.      

  

9911

Kathy 9433, Racy & yellowdoglady-

 I feel calm too. I have BMX with DIEP or Free TRAM next Tue ... and I'm not worry at all. Maybe it's the last major crazy thing I have to do for BC. So, let's get it done. What else can I do being a TN ... twice. I can only be calm. 

Wish you all peace .... calm.

Kathy9433

Wow, sounds like you've been through the mill...I'm still new to all the acronyms and abbreviations and had to "google" a few (LOVE GOOGLE!) I don't know if anyone is religious but I think this calm feeling is called "the peace that passes all understanding" and I think we all have it; and I'm glad for it!  Sending out OXOX's

Kathy :O)

9911

Hi Kathy-

I was like you the first time ... calm ... what else can I do? This is what I needed to do.

This time, I was at peace. I know what I have to do. Get the cancer out ASPS. AND the killer breast has to go. I know that will not stop BC ... I might still get it. I'm happy to get rid of these dense breast and for me ... no more useless mammograms.

Once you are done with surgery, chemo and/or radiation ... you have no other drugs to take for TN. You are free to enjoy life again. All you have are follow-ups with BS, MO and/or RO ... and that's about it. In between the check-ups ... besure to check on yourself. You are your best Dr.

Peace & calm ... going to do some MAJOR Retail Therapy now

-LA

CoolBreeze

Everybody reacts differently.  I've been calm through all of my treatment too - going on two years of chemo now, and even with a Stage IV dx and half my liver removed.   It is what it is and for me, hysteria and tears and complaining and worrying doesn't make me feel better.  Not saying anything about those who do feel better after crying or whatever - it's just a different reaction.   I'm not surpressing feelings - they just don't encompass being super upset when it will do no good. 

You are not alone.   

Good luck with your treatment - it'll be over before you know it! 

el-jaye

I am starting chemo next week and feel calm and at peace too.  Yesterday, at the Cancer Agency my husband and I were laughing and joking around while we waited for the Oncologist and it struck me that we were the only couple in the room doing that. 

It is the "peace that surpasses all understanding"!  

While I am nervous about the unknown aspects of the chemo, when will my hair fall out, will I be really tired, too tired to work, and such, I am at peace with my decision to have chemotheraphy.

I too am quite well organized, a binder full of information, pathology reports, drug information , etc etc.  I always have my list of questions for each appointment.  But, even if all of that was stripped away, I think I would still be at peace and feel calm.

Kathy9433

Hi El-Jaye, I noticed our diagnosis is very similar and I will also be starting chemo next week; this Monday morning (10/24).  My treatment is 4 cycles of A & C and then 4 cycles of T; then 5 weeks of radiation.  Do you have a similar plan?  I will be thinking of you and hope we both have an easy time of it!  God Bless!

Kathy :O)

Titan

Hi Kathy...I'm 31 months out as of Wed..Don't freak out (ha)..about being calm...I don't know much except for personal experience but I think that our minds and our bodies just can't take the constant stress we have from being first diagnosed to our first surgery/chemo/rads..at some point something just has to give...the period of finding the lump to diagnosis to treatment is such a stressfull time..I think that at some point our minds just shut down somewhat..and our bodies too.....our minds and bodies can only handle so much.....be glad that you are calm...it will help you get through the treatments you have ahead of you...

9911

Hi

Kathy ~ I had the same treatment plan in 1999. My hair started to grow back during T ... by the time I was doing radiation ... it was short enough and I put away my hair hat (wig). I got another hair hat this time and I only used it when I go shopping. Sometime you just don't want to talk about your hair or the lack off it. My last chemo was Sept 1 ... the hair is growing back pretty fast now. I am not the baldest in my family. The tittle goes back to my husband! When I do anything in the hospital ... labs, testing, appointments, infusion ... I just us my bucket hat from Disneyland.

To help with SE ... snack on oyster crackers & toasted almond silvers and lots of iced water during and few days after chemo. You'll be "back to normal" around day 5. I gained 8 lbs on AC & T ... this time ... I walking and maintained my weight. My husband has been  trying to fattan me up for surgery. He knows I go on a fast before chemo or surgery. It just makes my body works better.

el-jaye ~ I have all my BC stuff from 1999. It's crazy ... on my list for the dr ... Salpingo-oophorectomy next year. 

Peace & calm ... I learn and understand more

~LA

 

el-jaye

Kathy - my chemo is D&C - 4 cycles and then radiation.  I have not seen the radiation oncologist yet but I beleive the plan is 16 - 20 treatments.  I have found that this forum to be helpful.  I am glad to have found somewhere to ask questions and gather information from people who have been there and done that!

Today I went and picked up my prescriptions to prevent nausea.  And have been doing as much reading as my poor brain can handle.  

I will be praying for you as you start your chemo and I appreciate your prayers for me!  I truly believe that God is right here with me and holding me up - and that is where my calm comes from.  Of that I am certain!  

God Bless!

el-jaye

9911 - so glad to find others who keep it all. 

It is funny here in my house (and i mean peculiar not haha) as my sister who lives with us also has cancer.  She has endometrial cancer and is having surgery on Monday.  The cancer agency gave her a blue binder as well, and her just has the stuff it came with in it. 

Mine - now that is another story altogether!  I have every report, every drug information sheet, all my professionals phone numbers, my chronological list of events, etc etc!  My obsessive need to keep this kind of information may one day come in handy!  If not I will just will it to one of my kids!  LOL

Do you know when you are having your next surgery?  Do you have a date yet?

9911

el-jaye ~ I was on a clinical trial in1999 ... and I had to keep a daily journal. My first chemo this summer ...  I pulled out my journal from 1999 and told the RN that I wasn't going to take any of the pre-chemo IV drugs. I showed her my notes on the drugs in question and I refuse to have them. It works for me. Yes, notes are good. When my kids question me about whatever I'll doing ... I tell them ... someday this will be all yours!

Yes, I have all my important paperwork with me ... to every appointment. I carry them in my small tote bag with snacks & water ... my netbook, my LX DSI, my hat ... whatever will kill time while waiting for whatever that might come up. You never know.

I don't have a surgery date for ooph. I'm BRCA2+ ... I do want them out. I was hoping to get that done with the upcoming surgery. My PS said ... it's going to be 10+ hr surgery ... don't want to add anymore time while I'm under.  My work starts after I wake-up.

katfinn

Kathy - Have you seen 50/50 yet.  The therapist in the movie explains why we are so calm in the beginning.  Our bodies are protecting us from the initial shock.  I too felt this way and have been able to stay this way for all but a few moments through my treatments.  My diagnosis kept changing and I like you and a "process" person who took control of the situation and wanted answers clear answers when there sometimes were none. 

I can tell you that I had the same treatment as you (minus the taxol) and finished my rads a couple of weeks ago.  I ran a 5K (first ever) yesterday.  I feel great (just a bit tired).  I did lose my  hair on day 11 of my first treatment (think that's earlier than most).  I'd suggest you have a wig or hat ready to go.  I did have to take 3-5 days off during each chemo session but felt great for the first 2- days right after treatment (still wired from the steroid).  All in all, the whole experience was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be but it you forget how great if feels to feel great again once it's over.  Rads were a breeze. 

Good luck tomorrow.  Go in with your calm, positive attitude.  Everyone will be super nice to you and you'll feel special.  I'll be thinking of you. 

another Kathy

Kathy9433

Hi Another Kathy! - Thanks for the response; is 50/50 a video and where can I see it? Never heard of it.  Still feeling cool, calm and collected.  Started to get a little nervous about tomorrow but told my self; One down-Seven to go.  As for the wig (lol) I cut about 7 inches of hair off and had it sewn onto a wig cap (looks like a halo of hair).  It came in the mail last week so had to try it on and I looked like Friar Tuck, but it looks kind of cute with a beret with the hair peeking out!  Also have a real wig on the way so I am definitely ready when the "shedding'" starts. Thanks again for the pep talk :O) I wish I could meet all the women I've connected with and give everyone a big hug.  Stay healthy and happy!!

Kathy

susanella

Hi,

I am very new to this and extremely nervous since I found this thread about triple negative. I had a right lumpectomy last week.  The tumor was 1.9 cm and 1 of 3 nodes had 1 mm microscopic cancer cells.  The margins were not totally clean so I am having a re-excision this coming Friday to clear the margins.  I have very dense breast tissue even though I am 57.  My surgeon told me that I will need 4 months of chemo followed by 3 weeks of rads.  I have an appointment with the med. onco in mid-November.  Now, after reading this thread I am wondering if I would be better off with a double mx. Any input would be helpful.  Thanks.

Susanella in Long Island, NY

9911

susanella- I would do the chemo & rads first and think about BMX for later. Don't rush into it. I had a choice to have BMX or have rads. Rads was pretty easy for me last time ... but ... I'm done with these dense breast. Take care ...

~LA

Kathy9433

Hi susanella.....I agree with 9911...don't rush into anything.  Listen to your doctor.  Have you had any genetic testing?  I was scheduled for double mastectomy until genetic test came back negative.  So my surgeon and I opted for lumpectomy and SNB.  Why go so radical if it's not necessary?  Good luck to you  and hugs, too

Kathy

katfinn

Kathy,

50/50 is a movie that's out now.  The promos make it look like the guy with cancer's best friend (Seth Rogen) tries to use the cancer to get chicks but it's deeper than that and pretty real.  I liked it but I'd love to hear from others to see what they thought. 

How cool that you used your own hair to make a halo wig.  I bought a halo wig but never used it much because it bumped out and wouldn't sit under my hats well.  I bet your's is flatter and smooth. 

Susanelle,

I made myself crazy trying to decide if I should have a BMX (after my lumpectomy) as I also had a margin issue.  The triple negative diagnosis really scared me.  It just seemed so much worse than estrogen positive breast cancer.  I even traveled to Dana Farber in Boston (live in western NY) to see a surgeon who specialized in TNBC.  She said that a lumpectomy, chemo and rads were equivalent to a mastectomy.  She didn't think I should remove them at all.  She convinced me that the cancer could come back in another area just as likely or even more likely than coming back to my breast.  (I know... why would that make me feel better?)

None of us want to have this return.  It's a big decision but I think we have to have faith in our docs and then...pray.

Kathy

Kathy9433

Hi Kathy,  I googled 50/50 after the last post and now I recognize the film.  It's still in the theaters where I live so I think I will take myself to a movie!  Started my chemo today, everything went a-okay and feeling pretty good.  Even went to work later in the day (only 4 hrs.)  I think the worst part of the chemo was seeing all the other patients, wow, what an eye opener.  I have to count my blessings..... Take care and thanks for the heads up on the movie!

Other Kathy :O)

Luah

Kathy: Although I had a wig for work, I did the same thing with my hair. I loved the fact that I was wearing my own hair. I wore it under scarves and caps all the time - very convenient, comfortable and I almost felt normal. It was truly psychologically uplifting. 

Kathy9433

Hi Luah,  Although I don't need my "under hair" yet, I think I've tried it on about 5,000 times!  Also got a wig with my exact haircut, just a little different color (no gray lol).  Started Chemo yesterday (10/24/11) so probably won't need them for another week or two (I'm guessing) but I am definitely ready when the time comes.  XOXOX and thanks for the response.

Kathy

winkster

Kathy9433

I, too, am like you have remained cool, calm and collected.  I have undergone 4 taxol, lumppectomy on right and will undgo A/C this Thursday.  I must say one thing that continues to get me through this is humor.  I work at a hospital, and humor not only helps me, but also makes it easier for those I work with to talk with me. As far as hair, I purchased a great wig but find that I am just as comfortable wearing hats, scarfes and bandanas (I think I have one in every possible color).  It is nice to know there are others out there not letting this diagnosis bring you down.   Take care!

yellowdoglady

Ladies, I too had a hair replacement, but I never even used it.  I went with the pretied bandanas.  You just slip one on and head off to work.  Easy, easy, easy.  But then, I didn't face the public every day, so I could get wild with the colors and feel good about that.  A couple of years ago I heard from a high school friend living in Australia who had a family member getting ready for the same thing.  I cleaned and shipped my stuff over and said it was good luck for me, and should be for her.  She is doing just great after completing all of her treatment, and says she will send those things on.

I'd love to see us have our headpieces circle the world helping others.

star1dog

I am recently diagnosed with TNC and feel pretty calm and "together" about it all. My treatments are going great and i feel pretty much "normal" except for tiredness. I lost most of my hair but don't think i will get a wig...I am halfway thru my first round of treatments and doing great. We wi make it!

yellowdoglady

star1dog,

You can do it!  As you have discovered, fatigue is the largest side effect.  So, you know to get a lot of rest.  Plan your days, so you don't have to overdo.  It will be over sooner than you think.  I always made a practice of going to the market later in the evening after work so no children would be around to share illness.  But earlier in the day is good too if you aren't working.