marital issues

minxie

Has anyone split up due to sexual issues with your spouse due to BC?

 I was never as interested as he was, but since BC and chemopause I have zero - and I mean zero - interest in sex. We will do it occasionally when it seems he really needs to, but I do not enjoy it now and have a million other things I want to be doing. I know this sounds incredibly selfish of me, since men seem to have this overwhelming need for sex that I don't grasp. But he ends up getting angry with me if I do it just to make him happy. I can't win.  When he hasn't had sex in awhile, he becomes surly, angry, yells at the kids, answers me in monosyllables, and doesn't budge from him computer. I decide we'd better have sex beacuse I'm tired of dealing with such a grouch. Then he's happy and sweet and kind and helpful for a few days, and then the cycle begins anew.

He's upset that I won't do anything to increase my libido. He kept pushing me to ask my onc about estrogen, so I did - onc says no.

I've been through cancer, BMX, chemo, PTSD, the works, and I just wish he'd let me be sometimes. It's been almost three years since my DX, and I still feel like I'm getting my life back. I think I still love him, and want to stay togetehr for the kids, but I hate living with this moody, miserable person.

LivingIt

Minxie,

Funny you should mention this.

Please check out this thread from the Stage IV forum. I think you'll find it helpful. You are not alone. Zoh

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topic/776318?page=2#idx_35 

dlb823

minxie, I can empathize.  Men definitely equate sex with being loved, and not having it can make them moody and miserable, because they don't feel valued or appreciated.  I recently started going to a naturopathic doctor because of a concern about increasing osteopenia, as well as recurrence prevention.  And one interesting thing I've learned is that all of my hormones (not just estrogen) were extremely low. So I am now on a couple of natural hormone supplements that have (somewhat to my surprise because I wasn't looking for it) renewed my energy level and increased my interest in intimacy. So that's something you might want to look into.

Another suggestion is maybe try to take a weekend away with your DH, if you can.  Doing that can put the focus back on you as a couple, while helping to move you past a lot of the bc-PTSD stuff.  New people and places create new thought patterns, and that seems to help us get out of the bc-patient identity rut we all fall into with what we've been through, and gets us feeling more "normal" again.  At least that's been my experience.   (((Hugs)))   Deanna

puce

Minxie,

I have had sex with my husband once since my DX (almost 6 months) and before that I had a difficult pregnancy with bleeding so we didn't do it much either.  I wish I wanted to have sex...My DH doesn't complain but I think it would be great for both of us.  I'm going in Nov. 14th for BMX with DIEP reconstruction, not sure I'll feel any sexier after that.  

DJL

I think it is hard to feel "sexy" when you have scares across your chest and you feel tired physically and emotionally. I like the suggestion for you to try to go out-of-town with just the hubby. Maybe he needs some attention and will be able to give you some back as well.

Looneymom

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Minxie,

I just had to reply to your post. I am having the same issues. I feel for you Minxie.

amontro

I feel like I'm living with a room mate. Under the "Moderator" listing on the Forum, some of us have asked for a "Relationship" thread and  not put relationships mixed in with depression. Check it out and join us if you feel like it.

amontro

Sorry, I got it wrong. Under "Site News", go to "Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests", look up "A Forum For Marital Breakups"

juliehowell

I can totally relate to bc completely ruining my marriage.  Before bc, my husband could not get enough of me.  After bc, he won't look at or touch my reconstruced breasts.  Sex is soooooo infrequent.  He is in denial that it is even a problem.  I am having ptsd I think.  I fit all the criteria.  And on top of that, I feel so undesirable to my own husband.

Miles2Go

Julie,

My husband was sooooo concerned about touching me for fear he would hurt me.  We are "older" and talk about elephants in the living room, usually with me beginning a conversation making the subject safe.  Starts with I love you and goes from there.  I am wearing a bra to bed to circumvent his fear of touching me.  Now I realize you are 3 years out, and I am a month; however, the concern profile is similar. 

"I miss you."  and "I miss you touching me." very specifically and lovingly said (sounding like butter vs. a saw) can be powerful words.  Right long with "I miss touching you." 

A book I read recommended 10 minutes of "time together" before going to sleep...it is amazing the converation, cuddling, and sex that develope from making our 10 minutes a priority!

Change takes time.  Please understand your husband's "normal" has changed right along with yours.  Any health issue affects everyone:  family, friends, employers, community, I know you get it as you've been living the part for over 3 years.

 Giving up is easy.  Keeping on keeping on is the challenge!  I speak from experience.

You are a beautiful woman, that has not changed.  You are not your breasts, you are your spirit.  Reclaim your spirit, Julie, a step at a time.  I must remember my own words every day. 

I am writing with a good heart and a lot of love, Colorado Morning Glory

ToriGirl

Miles2Go--Can you tell me the name of the book you read that contained the "10 minutes of "time together"?  I'd like to take a look at the book...

Thanks!

Tori 

minxie

Well, my husband has been reading this site, figured out who I was based on my other posts, and read this post

I will be changing my user name. And I guess putting less personal info out there.

Thanks for all you help and advice though. Still not sure how to fix this or if I can.

Old_Workboot

Please don't change your user name, or avoid sharing information with this excellent and supportive group. I was not stalking/lurking you, but seeking insight on how to adapt to our situation and better support you. When I stumbled upon your posts I put two and two together. I won't be visiting here again, as I don't want to interfere with your recovery.

I love you.

Mr. Minxie

Kaara

I recently had a shock when I was going to a new doctor with my boyfriend (he has MS) and he was given a series of questions to answer.  He rated the romance and intimacy as a 2 out of 10.  He has as much of a libido problem as I do, yet he seems to blame me for our lack of sex.  I went to a doctor last year and got bioidentical hormone replacement which helped me.  He did nothing.  Now I am facing this challenge with possible bc dx, but it's still all about him.  All he does is play golf and then come home and watch golf on TV or play on his computer.  No wonder he rates our relationship as a 2.

This is a concern for me, but I must learn about my dx first and then I will deal with our issues.  Not sure we have a future after learning his true feelings.  We've been together 12 years. 

greytcruise

Hello, try putting "Scar Away" strips over your foob scars and put on a sexy bra.   I am not happy with my foobs and do  not like to look at them, but have bought some new sexy bras& undies that seem to help.  Sometimes I put on the fake nipples.  I was searching for hormone replacement, really want it back.  Good luck to you and please stay here.  Let us know how you are doing.