Advice on being a caregiver to mom

Momhelper

Hi there. My mom has just been diagnosed with BC (3 cm ductal invasive carcinoma). She is 70, but looks younger. I am an only child. My dad passed away 10 years ago to bone/lung cancer. My mom lives in the south of Brazil, and I live in the northeast due to my job. Fortunately, I can get a 90 day paid licence to be with her, which I may be able to extend, or be transfered. I will be her primary caregiver through surgery and chemo. I need advice on how to keep her spirits positive enough to fight this war. I don't want to fail her. Today she met her doctor for the first time. He is well know for his kindness. What a relief. Her friend brought her to the appointment. I am still crying a lot, but my strenght is coming back. I know I will be mostly alone because I have had the experience with my dad. Even though I know I can count on my mom's 2 sisters, most of family and friends can barely say the word cancer and will disappear. BTW, their mom, my grandma, died of BC almost 30 years ago, and we are all very sensitive to BC because we remember how though it is.

Please, give me your opinions on how to help her. What were the nicest things people did to you? What kind of comments I should avoid? This kind of stuff.

 I really appreciate  your time answering me.

mdg

You are so sweet to take all that time and go and take care of your mom.  I am sure she will appreciate it.  I don't know what advice to offer other than to follow her lead.  Sometimes you just don't want to talk about BC and other times it's all you want to talk about.  If you can find things to do together to keep her mind busy - that helps.  Sitting around doing nothing only makes you think about BC and all the scary stuff.  Funny movies, look at old pictures, get out for a walk, etc.....I think planning to do these things will keep her mind occupied.  Sometimes I didn't want to do these things, but I felt better after I did.  I would also say exercise....I realize she is 70 but if you can get her out and walking daily that's good.  I exercised daily through chemo and I think it really helped me feel pretty good.  If you lay around and think about how bad you feel  you will feel worse.  I actually did not feel that bad during chemo.  I did all my normal daily activities all through chemo except for a few days.  If you know a lot of her friends, maybe you could all have them send her thoughtful cards.  I know every time I got a card with an encouraging note from a good friend, it was such a nice surprise it made my day.  Make sure she eats well and drinks lots of water to flush the chemo out.  If she is having surgery, check out the surgery boards where there are messages on what supplies to get for recovery.  Do the same on the chemo board.  The information there is very helpful.  I am sorry about your mom's diagnosis.  Best of luck!

bedo

I am sorry about your Mom

The nicest things were done by my sister and daughter.  They organized a pocket calendar they bought and put all my appts and Dr.s names in it. and drove me to my appts.  I kept asking things like "Who is my surgeon?" They stayed with me and went to the store to buy detergent when I was a wreck.and didn't notice that the laundry needed doing.  

I was a caretaker to my Mom in my 20s when she passed away from a different kind of cancer.  Your Mom wants you to have a happy life and to know that you will be able to be strong when she is gone.  Tell her you love her and of all the things that she did for you.  

Some things not to do.  Don't tell her she should "be over it" after time goes on.  Everyone is on their own timeline.  Don't discount her feelings.  Some people said, "You are focusing on the recurrance rate, not the success rate"  True, but I was scared and had to learn how to do that. I also liked to be left alone with people in the other room.  I don't know what your Mom would like most.  Also, if it's nice weather take her outside.  Nature does wonders. I forgot all about cancer when I was outside.  I hope this helped some. 

There is also a caregivers Forum here.  I haven't been there but it might help you.

Your Mom might want to see this site after a while

Momhelper

Thank you so much. The exercise and nature factors just hit right. I will try to do my best.

Momhelper

Thanks to direct me to the caregiver board. I hadn't noticed it. I am really glad that this forum is there. I have been reading it extensively for the last 2 days and realized it has helped me get my streght back.