Sister in law w/ stage 4 breast cancer

lovemysisterinlaw

Hello,

My sister was a breast cancer survivor, who about 4 weeks ago has been diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer in her liver, spine and brain. I don't know all the exact details, except that it's the same type of cancer as before. She had been struggling for a while (over 6 months) to catch her breath. They diagnosed her with pneumonia and then COPD. Afterwhich, she got some blood work that her doctor didn't like, so then it was an ultrasound of the liver an then a PET scan which confirmed her diagnosis.

Anyway, she is not the complaining type. She is usually the upbeat, outgoing type. However, she has not accepted visitors for 4 weeks and she has not been eating well. She has been in the hospital for 3 days and her sister finally came up. However, she put on a happy face while everyone was there and then let her husband ( my husband's brother) know she was really unhappy with seeing people after everyone left. Her husband told everyone she is in a lot of pain and she dosen't want to let on that she is when people are there. However, the doctors told him that the treatment really make a difference because it's the same type of cancer she had before, but today she refused her radiation therapy. Her brain was mapped out and they are doing radiation for the tumor in her brain. Her husband said that she told him she didn't want to do treatment anymore. She may be discharged tommorow.

I understand that she has a right to make her own decisions and it's not my body. However, I feel if the pain was somewhat alleviated. she might make the decision to fight, because she has been a fighter all her life. She has an 8 year old daughter. I feel if we can get her the medical marijuana and her pain is manageable I think she would change her mind. I can imagine what's going on in her mind, because of conversations she had with me. She feels like she is not being a mom to her daughter. Her daughter is not living a normal life right now. She really enjoyed participating in her daughters classes and afterschool activities. She loathes the loss of independence and being able to be the person for the family to lean on.  I'm sure she feels like Breast Cancer has stolen her idendity and her ability to be a mom. I have offered to help out with the daughter and take her to activities, pick her up from school and make her meals. My help has not really been called on at this point.

My husband and I made a photo book tonight with pictures of her daughter. She can get the medical marijuana, but she has to be wiling to try. I want to give her the will to try again. The doctors couldn't find anything that was causing the loss of breath she was feeling. They think it's the anxiety and depression and have called in a psychologist. I also think if the medical marijuana can help, then maybe we can get someone in who can help manage the pain with hypnosis.

I don't know what to do. I wish she would let out what she was feeling, I think she would feel a lot better. I doubt that if she won't let on to people her own age what's going through her head, she's not going to open up to someone like me whose 15 years younger. I think if she let it out, maybe some of the anxiety and depression would be relieved.

The only commentary I have read about this from professionals, is to act normal. I'm not sure how to act normal, because the situation calls for me doing things I would not normally do. Do I visit even though she dosen't want it? Should I try to make a statement about how angry she must be or how scared she must be?

I was thinking about going and just dropping off the photo book, a bouquet of flowers and an audio book making fun of cancer on a CD player. Maybe actions speak louder then words?

mks16

I am sorry nobody replied to you yet.

I have no words of advice as I am in a different situation than your SIL, but wanted to tell you that your concern and kindness towards your sister in law warms my heart.  Personally, I would say don't wait to be called up on your offers, if you're close enough with your sister in law, you should maybe just go ahead and do whatever you think would help. She might not yet know or realize how helpful it can be to have someone like you to lean on. All the best to your sister in law and the whole family.

notgoingtogiveup

My heart goes out to you and your sister in law! 

She is probably so dismayed that the cancer is metastatic that she doesn't think it will do any good to fight.  Doctors give their patients "statistical" info about chances of survival... and these statistics can be very overwhelming.  But there are so many people who have survived stage 4 metastatic breast cancer for years longer than the doctors tell you. 

I think you are right that actions speak louder than words.   SHOW her you are there for her the best you can.

hrf

I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through. This disease is a beast and despite what many believe there is no cure. If there is a social worker or a pychologist at the cancer centre where your SIL is, they might be able to help you as they deal with this all the time. It sounds like your family needs help in truly understanding the graveness of the situation as well as the possible benefits of treatment. Sadly treatment also affects QOL so that needs to be balanced with benefits. Please don't blame your SIL if she refuses treatment. It's her decision but she does need your support now more than ever. With all due respect to the professionals with whom you have spoken, what I hear is different and that is to be open and honest and even to express fears might be more helpful to a person's state of mind. This is not a normal time and to pretend to be normal only minimizes the patient's feelings. Please talk to someone who is experienced with the psychology of cancer, including end of life issues. I wish you all the best and I wish many more good years for your SIL. 

bcisnofun

Hi there - I can't offer any wisdom but I want to try to respond.  I agree with the others.  I am not one to ever ask for help - ever.  Some people offered to help and I always said no.  But those that just did something in spite of my not calling for them, their help was so appreciated.  That said, when really really in pain, I didn't want visitors either.  I wanted just my husband.  I care about everyone but when you're in pain, you just don't want anyone around that you have to make a happy face for.  You might think of cross posting to the stage 4 site?  maybe someone there can have more insight into the difficulties she is experiencing right now.  Just reading how much you love your sister in law brings tears to my eyes.  Thank you for trying to hard to help her.