rough day

key6687

Last month I reached my 6mth remission date. I thought that moment would never come. It seamed like such an impossible thing to reach. I counted down the days for mths to get to that point and when that moment came stated to wonder if I should dare hope for the 1yr mark. At the same time, I was very scared. I have had false test results in the past and stopped chemo and radiation only to find out I was never really in remission. I have ended up with mets to my bones and lymph nodes because of that. I also had a separate lung cancer dx. That one made me more angry than the breast cancer. I have never smoked a day in my life and it just didn't seam fair that I got lung cancer on top of breast cancer. Luckily, that responded well to treatment. I wish my breast cancer did too. I feel like I have lost so much from this disease and the side effects of the treatment for it. I am 24yrs old and have gone through chemical menopause. I have multiple fractures and weak bones as a result of bone mets and medications I had to take to lower estrogen levels in my body. I have so many medical bills that I can never pay off in my lifetime no matter how hard I try. Fri would have been my 7mth remission day, but I have this lump that I found a few weeks ago. Along with that lump I just have felt really crappy. I can't go to the doctor to get checked out because I lost my insurance and I'm having a really hard time trying to get insurance again. To be honest though, I'm not sure I would go to the doctor if I did have insurance. It would be great to go and be told it's nothing, but what if it is? I've had so many reoccurances already. I've been fighting this for over 2yrs. I'm just emotionally exhausted. I just don't know that it's worth fighting anymore. I went through a really great time after I found out I was in remission again. I went on my first vacation. It was so much fun and I decided I want to move there. I've been trying to get everything in order to make that happen, but then I find this lump and part of me just wants to give up. I'm so scared of having to deal with this again that part of me wishes I will just go to sleep one night and not wake up the next morning. Guess given the choice to run away or stay and fight, my first instinct is always to run. When I was originally diagnosed and receiving IV chemo, I remember sitting in that room and seeing other patients and how weak they were. Some people looked so close to death it terrified me. I forced myself to keep going to work and doing everything I normally did. People told me how strong I was for doing that. The truth is, I wasn't strong. I did it out of fear. I was afraid that if I didn't get up every morning and do those things that I would become too weak and be dependent on someone to help me with everything. I remember tearing my drain out trying to wash my hair after I had surgery 'cuz I didn't want to rely on anyone to help me. At that point, I really didn't have anyone. Which was my own fault. I am great at pushing people away. I'm always so afraid that if I let someone in that I'm going to get hurt. I have a great friend that has proved to me that that isn't the case, but still I stop myself from asking for her help even when part of me really wants to sometimes. I don't know what my problem is. I'm just having a really hard time trying to be positive right now. I just feel so angry. I thought I had come to terms with the fact that people get sick and it's not because of something that I did, but now I'm questioning that again. I was sick alot as a kid, I was physically and mentally abused by my so called mother from as early as I can remember. I was physically and sexually abused my my father, step father, and uncle... I get diagnosed with cancer. What the hell did I do wrong? I just don't get why I keep fighting to be here sometimes. I keep trying to stay focused on the good things, but there are days, like today that I struggle. 

lovemyfamilysomuch

Sending you love and support--thinking about you as you go through this hard time, xo

jancie

You didn't do anything wrong - don't ever let your head go there.

I agree - it sucks!!  You have had it so rough for so long - like you said ever since you can remember.  I want to say be strong - but that is not what is going to help you.  What I can say is that I am thinking about you and hope that this dark day passes quick and tomorrow is a better day.

lwarstler

I want to echo Janice, you did nothing wrong now or then. 

I'll be thinking about you as you go through this and echo that I hope tomorrow is a better day.