Can we PLEASE stop the meanspiritedness???

changes

When I joined here, this site was a wonderful source of support, and I was so grateful to it. I still check in, but I am increasingly disturbed by how meanspirited some comments are. I'm not talking about comments that clearly violate bc.org's rules, but comments that are just plain unkind. I don't want to refer to specific posts, but I have noticed a trend toward sarcasm and nastiness when someone expresses a concern that someone else considers trivial or exaggerated. I just finished reading a post in which someone expressed her fears about a situation, and someone else responded with mocking and sarcasm. PLEASE, if you cannot respond with empathy, just pass over that thread and move on to something else.

thats-life-

i agree. i have become increasingly irritated lately reading comments that imply superiority and ownership of suffering, and undermining  the fear and pain experienced by women newly diagnosed, or in terror waiting for results.

i am also noticing that although a truce of sorts has been accomplished on the alt/conv issue, certain posters feel they have a right to dictate what belongs where. and then smuggly dismiss the topics. i think the moderators should at least respond to the requests,and ask the opinion of others, before moving them on request, as this only enables a feeling of control and importance by isolated members.i am trying very hard to focus on my interests and experiences on this board, but the 'meanspiritedness', as you say, does seem to infiltrate into our sense of wellness and focus.

Moderators

We appreciate your concerns, and we encourage the helpful and supportive attitude of the vast majority of BCO's members.

Judith and the Mods

dixiebell

AMEN!

palaminoridesagain

There was a time where I was mean spirited.  Le Anger get the best of. me.  I tendto com back here and although i didn't see the meaness anymore, it makes me feel bad fot the new person.  today I am heart broken because I had new liver met, worseninin of my brain mets and edema of my brain  It never ends.  just take a deep breath and try to be happy

palaminoridesagain

May God and the spirits bring everyone peace and share the peacde from such a kind person as  youall are

thats-life-

exactly palamino, lets try to help each other, and  support each other at any stage of our journey, no matter our treatment choices/beliefs/efforts to heal.. and im sorry you have this bad news, i will be thinking of you x

palaminoridesagain

That;s life thank you for you kind words.  Now I want to sing likeFrank Sinatra and Neil young singin "close your eye getting tired so I will look for the song tomorro.  Another good song have a friend

thats-life-

im going to imagine bareback riding a palamino, and loudly singing frank and neil songs right along next to you

Anonymous

{{{{{{{Nicki}}}}}}}  I am so sorry to hear this news.  You have been and are a warrior!  Are you sure that's not you in your avatar?  I hate this disease and what it does to us.  My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Shirley

changes

Palomino,

I'm so sorry to hear about your worsening health. I think anger and fear can get the best of any of us at times. I'm just hoping we all can be a little more careful before we post a rude or sarcastic remark.

Sending hugs your way,

Karen

starella

I have felt the  meaness..just from a few people.  I think its because they don't feel well.  Its makes it easier to digest if I think of them this way.  Most others are great and supportive.  

Reneepals

Nicki..... I am so sorry that you have feelings of being broken hearted. I wish that it could be replaced with feelings of comfort, relief from fear. I remember the thread war that you spoke of and never considered you mean-spirited. You always tried to mend the riff. I want you to know that I am sending lots of hug, love and comfort, going out to you babe!

palaminoridesagain

Thanks Renee.  All that stuff is history.  Once you are stage 4 you live each day with love and happiness

bluedahlia

(((((((((((Nicki)))))))))) Always in my thoughts.

Bren-2007

Nicki .. thinking of you and hoping your new chemo kicks some cancer butt.

love you dear friend,
Bren

1Athena1

changes, I've noticed what you've noticed. Some people are literal thinkers and a bit dense, it seems. 

IllinoisLady

Nicki......Been caring about you since the moment I met you.  You were among the first few I met here, and you'll always be a sweet note in my heart and a light on my path. 

Big healing hugs,

Jackie 

otter

Hey, Nicki... this is otter, sending you some hugs:  ((((((palaminoridesagain))))))

anonymice

Maybe we can start a "in a nice person mood" sub-group.

I so know what you mean.  I saw a thread recently where someone was posting about a lump under the arm, and the response began with

*sigh*.  

It didn't SAY "of course you should get it checked out you idiot", but it did imply it.  

Bulletin boards are spiky places anyway and most of us that are here are under enormous stress.  But there are just so many mean folks here and when you're hurting things don't roll off your shoulders as they did.

I am super vulnerable right now - sick, stressed, and my Mom died last week...I want to come here for comfort but there are just so many unfriendly people, it's not always easy.   On the other hand there are far *more* warm and comforting folks than not - but the nasty ones are more outspoken, I think.

I'm not kidding about a sub-division for positive thoughts - NO negativity allowed.   When you're not in the mood to respond in a positive and supportive way, just post on other threads.

buttercupwithab

Pamonymous:

I am so sorry to hear about your mother. My mother and sister have been my biggest supporters and the loss of either would be devastating. Really no words are adequate for your loss.

anonymice

Thanks so much, buttercup, I really appreciate it.



Hugs, Pam

changes

Pam,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Sending hugs your way.

I think the problem is that some of the people I see as mean-spirited actually don't see anything wrong with what they are posting. I like the idea of a "no negativity" subdivision.

anonymice

Thanks so much, Changes, I appreciate it.  Feeling much better.

Yes, it's all subjective and one person's "mean" is another's "telling it like it is" - it's difficult.    

Luckysmom

What a depressing topic. This site was a life saver for me when I was diagnosed in March 2006; there was no meaness, just lots of love and compassion and empathy. It really pulled me thru some very dark days. I am grateful that I didn't ever have to see any of this sort of attitude here. Regardless if someone is having a "bad day," that's no excuse for bad behavior. For some reason my bio thing says I joined here in 2007, which isn't correct but I can't figure out how to get that changed. Love and peace to all.

Moderators

Luckysmom

Thanks for the kind words.  We will try to correct the date to accurately reflect when you joined.

Best wishes

The mods 

ma111

This is a good time for this tread to come to the top. There have been a few inappropriate comments on some threads to the point I didn't post on them. Most of them have to do with someone not doing chemo. We need to support, or maybe, give a point of view not other wise considered to the original posting person. Luckily the person posting was not a newbie to send them away from the site.

However, people have taken the opportunity to bash each other and make some people feel bullied and PM each other so not to post on another's post. The mods have deleted some of the post on them, but more should have been deleted until people can come down to earth and realize that other people feel differently then they do.

IllinoisLady

Just checking some of my favorite threads and saw your entry ma111.  I too think, especially at this wonderful time of yr. we should be thankful for so many things and looking for every way possible to have less stress and distress.  I often feel ( as it has happened to me in other places ) that some people for reasons ( certainly unknown to me )  feel somehow threatened, or challenged for no reason I could detect.  Maybe that is frustration -- but you know we can all feel many emotions all day long...outright sad, pensive, exuberant, and where you are at the time you read something certainly reflects.  Hopefully.....people will realize one way or the other, we all fight the same battle and all need understanding, comfort, help and as positive reaction as possible. 

I think of the quote...I think it is one from Mother Teresa ( I could be wrong ) that says to the effect, if we can't help someone, at least lets not hurt them.  If we started from that vantage point, maybe we could do better.

Jackie

ma111

Jackie,

I like the quote and that would be a good one to live by. We are all fight the same battle and we are on this board to help each other.

When someone has chosen a different route of treatment then what we would have done, we should not hurt them or make them feel bad. Expressing our opinion is different then beating around the bush that one is an idiot.

Thanks for the post.

EachDay

I was here years ago and stopped coming because of meanspiritedness...some of it directed towards me in a very unkind, unpleasant way.  And I learned that no matter where you go in life, no matter the circumstances, there will always be nasty people.  Breast cancer isn't like a magic pill that suddenly makes people who were nasty and meanspirited suddenly become kind and empathetic.  We expect that because we are all in the same boat that we will all behave the same way and sadly that just doesn't always happen.  Even sadder is that those who are meanspirited and nasty don't really see themselves that way.

As the original poster said...if you don't like a topic or a comment, move on.  Nothing is gained by venting nastiness couched in sympathy.  

For those who continue to feel mean and nasty and want to be superior, nothing is gained but if it makes them feel better...good for them.

Life is short...forget the negative and focus on the positive.

Moderators

We agree. Many thanks.

The Mods