Checking in first time

Husbandof

Hi all,

My wife (40's) was diagnosed with Triple Negative, grade III breast cancer. Her tumor was 10.5 cm. She had 7 positive nodes out of 13. I guess she would be a stage III something (?)

She had a mastectomy and is now in chemo. So far no sickness at all.

 I am not sure why I registered and am writing. Kinda living day to day for now. I studied all I could study about TNBC. She will either make it or not make it. She is living each day fully. I catch myself thinking about when do I start to make a plan B incase things go sideways fast. I won;t talk to her about this or even let her know I am thinking it but I would be foolish not to especially with young kids. 

 We needed to do our wills back when we were healthy but didn't and now we have more reason to do them. Anyone have any tips on how to broach this subject?

I find myself also being worried about participating in anything remotely dangerous...what happens if something happens to me? Anyone else give up some of their lifestyle or activities beacuse of their spouse's BC diagnosis?

How far do you go to not make any waves in the relationship so that there is peace and tranquility in the home to allow your spouse to be free to focus on getting better. Marriage is not always smooth.

I sure hope I don't sound selfish but I am feeling heavy today and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel for some time. 

Thanks for reading.

Lowrider54

Hi...you are wonderful for checking in and supporting your wife!

If you have a good thought out plan from before, I would take care of yours.  For her - I would keep it as stress free as possible for her.

Sounds like this is the first round for her and most respond very well so you will have plenty of time - I had 10 1/2 wonderful cancer-free years after my initial dx and chemo.  Sadly, its back and now I am having to deal with the will thing.  I started with the health care directive first so that everyone knows my wishes.  She will be the one to bring up the subject.

Oh, and you will have heavy days and light days - there is light!

Hugs to you both...

LowRider

Sousek

I was in your shoes just 16 months ago when my wife was diagnosed. It's been quite a ride for the past 16 months. My wife had a mastectomy, six rounds of chemotherapy and most recently has started the reconstruction process. I'm proud to say she's doing amazingly well.

The fact that you're on this site tells me how much you care for your wife and how much you want to support her through this journey.  

My wife and I were scared to death upon learning of her diagnosis.  I had the same feelings as you when my wife was diagnosed and even going through this journey.  There were a lot of "what if's."  My mind raced with the horrible thoughts of losing her.  Her initial diagnosis was the BC with metastases to her chest wall.  We were told the cancer was inoperable and all they could do was "make her comfortable!"  I was devastated to say the least.  We were in the process of selling our home and looking for a new place to live.  I knew I couldn't afford a new home on my own if something happened to her.  I felt guilty for having these feelings but I also had to be a realist.  Fortunately there was a mis-diagnosis due to a faulty PET scan!  Even so, I still had those feelings that I may lose her.  I approached her and just said there was too much going on to worry about selling our home and looking for another.  I also thought that we should do our will, but I went with a gut feeling I had to NOT bring it up.  The reason for my decision was that I felt bringing it up would give her a signal that I was giving up on her battle.  That was the last signal I wanted to give her!  Basically, we (together) made the decision to put our lives on hold.  My heart goes out to you.  Being a husband/caregiver is a rough job.

The best I can tell you are the things I've learned going through this journey with my wife...

1) As upset and scared as you may be about her diagnosis, be as strong as you can in front of her. The last thing my wife wanted to witness was me breaking down. Sure I did, but I generally saved it for my drive to work! She wants to see you be strong for her.
2) Tell her you love her! Tell her you love her whenever you have that sincere feeling in your heart. Don't just say the words to say them.  If you look at her and she's tired from treatments and has no hair or eyelashes and you still believe she's the most beautiful woman in the world... tell her!   Remember, when you genuinely feel those feelings... make sure you tell her!  She needs to hear it. She needs to know that you still love her to death and won't leave her.
3) Keep her away from the internet! Self diagnosis via the internet is the worst thing she can do... and she will do it. The only thing she'll get out of it is scared to death! You can search, but still filter the information to her.
4) You probably have no medical training yet there will come times when you'll need to be a quasi doctor or nurse. You've probably never been trained as a counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist, yet you will be put in situations where you will wish you had some training. You've probably never had any theology training but will wish you had. The point I'm trying to make is that there will be times when you're just going to have to fly by the seat of your pants. You love her... you can do it.
5) Listen to her.  Don't offer advice... listen!  She's going through a battle of the emotional vs. intellectual.  The emotional will win 100% of the time.  Remember... listen!

6)  Take care of yourself to be able to take care of her! Men don't generally ask for help. It's just the way it is. But if you don't reach out, you'll burn yourself out quickly. When someone calls and asks if they can bring dinner over... tell them "yes!" Just remember, people won't offer to help unless they genuinely want to help.
7) Last but definitely not least, turn to God. He was my co-pilot throughout our journey. He kept me sane! You can always vent to him, talk to him or ask for help. He listens.

I blogged throughout our journey. It's a daily/weekly journal about fear and hope and how we dealt with the challenges and trials we faced such as the mastectomy, hair loss, nausea, losing her taste... Everyone's journey is going to be different just like every cancer is different, but this blog has helped so many people understand things that may come up. If you have an opportunity, I encourage you and her to read through it.

WhatARideBlog.Wordpress.com

Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk!

Ed

Clams

Hey.  My wife is also in her 40's and we also have young kids.   My wife doesn't have cancer, but she will soon be having a prophylactic mastectomy because she's a very high risk for developing it. So while I can't put myself directly into your shoes, I do know where you're coming from and I'd like to offer some advice.

First, about a will and estate planning.  Not having a will (i.e. being intestate) doesn't mean that a judge or other person will decide what happens to your kids and property.  It just means that your state's intestacy laws will govern the situation.   I don't know where you live but I'd bet that your state provides that all property, children, etc goes to the surviving spouse, in which case not having a will probably won't be a problem.  I agree with the previous posters who said that you shouldn't broach this subject with your wife.  But why not set up a meeting for yourself with a local attorney who specializes in estate law and let him or her explain how things work in your state.  You could do this on the sly and not mention it to your wife.  

 But there is one subject that should be broached with her, and that's a living will (also known as an advance healthcare declaration).  This is a document that someone signs which provides guidance to family and medical professionals in the event that the person becomes incapacitated and can't make medical decisions for him/herself.   Doctors and hospital personnel regularly present their patients with living wills and, If I were in your shoes, I'd contact your wife's doctor and ask him or her to broach the subject with her - if they haven't done so already when she had her surgery or chemo.

To touch on your other points, I do believe it is important to not make waves  in your house and marriage as your family goes through this ordeal.  Turn the other cheek in an argument, do some extra chores around the house, give her some extra free time and space if she wants or needs it.  Basically, I would say that you should be willing to do anything it takes to relieve your wife of any unnecessary stress.  As far as limiting your own activities so as not to endanger yourself, unless you have crazy hobbies  like skydiving or cliff jumping, I can't imagine you have anything to worry about.  Just use common sense and take care of yourself.  As Mike Cooley once said: "Living in fear is just another way of dying before your time."  

 That's about all I have for you, bro.  I will say though, that you aren't selfish for thinking about these things.  You are in a tough situation and you're only human - plus, it's smart to think things out in advance.  Good luck getting through your ordeal.