Let's talk about Sex baby!

MustangIA

We can't really have a young women's forum with a little discussion about Sex, now can we?  I was so scared that my days of good sex were over after my hysterectomy and mets diagnosis.  Probably, TMI, but I am pleased to report - so far so good.  Took a lot of tips on the lube from the FB group and Melinda, our resident sex blogger and while we used them the first couple of times, we are now able to go about it the natural way!  Oh, and I can still have the big O after the big Ooph.

Anyone else struggle to get your sex life back?  Let's lay it out there!

DFC1994

This Dec will be 2 years since my OOPH. Had everything else removed in 2000. I have to say my sex life has gone to pot. It is too painful. We have tried about everything there is to try. Since you are having luck,what do you use in ways of lubes?I really miss my sex life.

Thanks,Dee

MustangIA

Hey Dee. 

We used KY Intensity (his and hers) version, it helps in more ways then one if you know what I'm saying!  Some of the other gals have tried others that they swear by.  I'm sure they will chime in soon.  I have to say, I was worried about the pain and it was painful at first, but now - it's not.  I think the old, the more you use it the better it is true!  Cancer can take my boob, my girly parts, but I'm not giving up my sex life!  

Melonda

Yay a sex thread!



I love to hear that it's working for you woo-hoo!



I've been going through periods of time where we don't have to use anything which is always awesome but I would say 90% of the time we do use lube. We use Pure Romance's Just Like Me. I've been using t for about 2 years now. I don't like any other lube at all.



And I fully subscribe to the use it or lose it theory. If I don't make an effort then I lose it.

ICanDoThis

Hi, y'all!

You can probably tell, I've been here for a while

One of the true treasures of bc.org is the I Want My Mojo Back thread.

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/7/topic/69566

It's been around for years, and talks about everything. I read it cover to cover when I first got here, needed all the help I could get.
Take advantage of the resources, ladies - it's not just about sex for oldbes, believe me!

 Hugs to all

wilmar

Things are better on Femara then on Arimidex I've noticed over the past month.

mimivac

Thanks for that link, Sue. Honestly, there is no sex in my life right now. Had lumpectomy and chemo/rads over 2 years ago now, no ooph or any meds for me. Our sex life gradually dropped off and now DH says he is no longer attracted to me. I am at a loss



Mimi

Melonda

Oh Mimi, he actually said that? Did he say why? Is it because of all you went through or something else?

Not having sex is one thing - it sucks but I get how it happens- but to say he's not attracted to you just doesn't make sense to me. Have you guys discussed this at all? Like with a therapist or anything?

It's just that money and sex are two things that are really easy to let get out of control in a marriage imho.

bevin

aww Mimi, I am sorry your husband said that.  Those words must be difficult to hear. I agree with Melinda, see if you can ask why and see a counselor, if not with him at least yourself .  I learned a long time ago, I can not change the things my husband says or does, but I can change the way I react to them.

As far as the sex goes, I agree - glad to see this thread and share ...BUT, ....I sadly have nothing to share.  I have to tell you, I spend my days,nights soooo tired, I could care less about sex.  I wish I wanted it , I USED to love it - probably more than my husband... BUT now.. UGH, I'd honestly rather sleep.  Which I normally can't do so you'd think I'd at least stay up and have sex but absolutely no desire,,,, helllllpppppp!!.   p.s.- I don't even want to have it by myself so, its nothing to do with my Husband, he is still hot and handsome as ever...I just am tooooo tired.

Bevin

tunkylala

I HIGHLY recommend Pjur For Women http://www.pjur.com/products/favourites/woman/

Pjur is making my tamoxifen life a whole lot better. The silicone based is better than the water based, but all are good.

mimivac

Melinda, he did actually say that. This was about a month ago and he said he just didn't "see me that way" anymore. Objectively, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way I look, it's just that FOR HIM, I'm not doing it. This also coincided with a major purchase we had just made (another house) and a bout of depression that he is still experiencing. I think they are all related, as well as a latent reaction to all the things he saw me go through with my treatment.

We have been to therapy and he is seeing a therapist alone now (I have one, too), and I think that's helping. For a while his depression got in the way of him working on the marriage and he seemed to be checked out and wholly dependant on me to keep the household running and things in our marriage working. The thing about it is that we are still very affectionate with each other, cuddle, kiss, laugh and have a great time (when he is not in a depressive state), but yet he claimed the sexual part of our relationship has ended for him.

So,prompted by this post, I really confronted him last night. I don't think he had realized how much it hurt me to hear those words from him and to believe that he had given up on us. I think it really opened his eyes to the fact that he needs to be an equal partner in getting our relationship back on track, that I have needs too, and that he is hurting our marriage by not actively trying to improve it. Things were different this morning, as he seemed to actually get it. His therapy is also making a difference in getting him to a better state emotionally so that he has the energy to work on the marriage.

So, where do I start? I can't imagine approaching him sexually after hearing "I'm not attracted to you." I would just be too humiliated if he rejected me. Sorry for the long saga! Thanks for bringing this up, though. It helps.

Mimi

katesC

Mimi, what your DH said floored me. You are a classic beauty and I would kill for your looks and sense of style. I know that it's important that you feel that you are attractive to your DH . . . but I wonder what makes YOU feel sexy? When we're in a relationship for a while, we become friends, enemies, partners, problem solvers, cooks, cleaners, enablers, helps, personal accountants, and jokers. But what I'm coming to realize is that it's almost like we need to keep a part of ourselves for ourselves and never lose it. I'm not sure how to verbalize it. Since the divorce with DH, I see that I never want to get so inter-meshed with another person (or also in my case, being a mother to my child) that I lose my femininity/feminine mystique. Does that sound quacky and too "inner goddess" stupidity? But it's true for me. There's certain things that make ME feel sexy and I don't really care if the man in my life likes it or not. Things like . . .sleeping on really high thread count sheets, lighting candles while I cook and listening to music that I like, wearing red lipstick to the grocery store, wearing calf-length boots with a mini skirt . . . smiling back at men that smile at me. There was something about you when you started dating your DH that caught his attention. Do you remember what that was? So, maybe he feels that he's solved the mystery of you . . . but has he really? Do you remember that girl? You are still her. What was she like? What was fun to her?

(am I making any sense or am I crazy?) 

Moderators

Hi ladies,

Popping in here to share with you all the Breastcancer.org Blog on How to Talk to Your Doctor About Sexuality Issues. Hope you can find some good information here!

--The Mods

Melonda

well honestly Mimi it sounds like you guys are doing exactly what I would suggest! You sound like you're doing everything right which is so nice to hear I'm sorry your DH has depression problems and that definitely puts a whole other layer on the sex after cancer issue. Having your own therapist and a mutual therapist sounds really like you guys love each other and are working at it.



I am so happy you let him know how that made you feel! I think that men can speak without thinking things through very very easily. I previously had a boyfriend who rejected my sexual advances before and it screwed me up for years so I can completely understand why you don't want to be rejected.



I think being affectionate like you guys are shows how much you love each other which is such a great foundation to start on. I would work with the therapists but do baby steps to get back to sex again. Do things slowly to feel sexy again and to renew the sexual feelings between you 2 again.



And KatesC you don't sound crazy- that makes total sense to me. I need to do certain things to feel sexy, and even when DH thinks I'm sexy there are certain things that I NEED for me to be in the mood.



Mimi- good luck and please please let us know how things go. I know i talk about sex a lot but I go through periods of time where I am completely uninterested.

mimivac

KatesC, your post really made me think. In the last few years I have gained some weight and have come to believe somehow that I no longer deserve to be or act sexy. Since I don't often feel sexy, I don't think I would project that kind of image to anyone else. You're right that I need to concentrate on things that make ME feel good about myself and my body. And yes, I do think my DH feels that he is just too familiar with me to have the hots for me anymore. It's like all the mystery is gone. Do you remember at the conference last year that lady who did the plenary session on starting relationships after cancer? I remember her talking about maintaining some mystery and not revealing all of your bodily functions to the other person. I dismissed it at the time, but I will have to think more about it now.

Melinda, I do think he spoke without really realizing the implications of his words. To him, he's just saying how he feels and sometimes he doesn't think beyond that. I definitely let him know last night and I think it sunk in.

Thanks for all your advice.  I will start slow, try to do things to make myself feel sexy, and keep insisting that we be equal partners in this relationship.

Mimi

katesC

Mimi, just remember It took A divorce AND (this is huge) finishing up tamoxifin for me to even contemplate feeling sexy or feminine again. I understand that when you physically don't feel good, it's close to impossible to feel sexy -- underwear, sheets . . . what a joke -- just ain't gonna do it. I've been there. I'm in a different place than many of you. But I did want to share what I learned about myself after the divorce. When I was married, I felt completely asexual. Just this robot that's sole purpose was to take care of other people, make money, pay the bills, and hold everything together and keep everyone afloat. After we separated, I thought that no man was going to find me attractive, let alone sexy. How could they? And slowly, as I morphed back to living again, I found that men did find me attractive. Not because I have the best body or perfect boobs or smoothest, youngest skin . . . it was something else. And what that something else is is different for me than it is for you. You just have to remember what it was/is and try to feel and believe it again. Oh, and booz helps. I always think I'm better looking than I am after I've had a few. LOL. Love you, Mimi.   

wilmar

"Oh, and booz helps. I always think I'm better looking than I am after I've had a few."

I love you KatesC. 

NannaBaby

It's terrible when I get the feeling I need to put out!  Like I owe it to my hubby. I find sex uncomfortable and painful at times... My hubby reminds me of his frustrations... which isn't helping the pressure.  Ya know what I mean?!

I wish I felt sexy... even we I wear a nice outfit, when I look down, all I can see are my lobsided uniboob and prothesis.   

And my mind is constatntly thinking of crap!

lulululu

mimi, your post makes me so sad, i am so sorry that you are going through this.  you are a classic beauty inside and out, sending you lots of hugs tonight. xoxo

sandejosgirl

I am just finishing up Chemo, have a surgery to go and then rads. I have been realizing this past month how much it effects our sex life when I am either: depressed, tired, just plain ol' not thinking about sex, or feeling blah because I am not in shape.

I started walking, just a couple of times a week when I felt good during the last month & it's made a difference in all of the above. I'm not quite sure why, but I think because I am using my body in a way that has nothing to do with cancer and I feel good doing it. Just being sensual. Enjoying my body for the first times since dx. I am excited to be toning a little even if I am not losing weight right now ('cause seriously I am walking a pathetic distance for 1/2 each outing and it is kicking my butt).  I got a really pretty, lacy mastectomy bra too that I wear to get in the mood. It's kinda fun to put something on in the morning that helps me to think about sex all day and to feel beautiful even with my new body.

Anyway, just thought I'd chime in.

Denise2730

Okay, right now I'm almost glad I'm a widow because if I felt pressured to have sex I would scream! I can't imagine ever being in the mood again.

Slainte

After my chemopause sex was painful. Everything was drier than the sahara desert! I tried lots of lubes but they didn't work that well and I didn't like the mess lol. I read on the mojo thread to try coconut oil. It is great! I got mine at the health food store. It is solid at room temp and as soon as you scoop it out it turns into oil. You can use it for back rubs too! Great for dry and sensitive skin and we use it as a lubricant. Smells good too. Now I tell my hubby i need to start with a back rub . It is a good icebreaker when you have been out of action for a while

pammyb

mimi, that's a terrible feeling and i am sorry. i have been there. we know you are so beautiful! this is your husband's issue, and i'm glad he is trying to resolve it. xoxoxo 

Beeb75

Mimi, your post was a jawdropper for me too. I remember during my early days of YSC, I was astonished at how young, and beautiful and vibrant all the women on there were -- and you were among the stunning. Depression can be a total sex drive killer, so I'm betting that's a big part of what is going on with your husband and I'm glad he's working on it. My fiance and I 'had it out' after our sex life disappeared post-chemo -- largely because I got shingles and my always-squeamish fiance heard "herpes" (zoster) and ran the other way. I reminded him that if I was too appalling to him, there were plenty of other guys out there who would be more than happy to have sex with me (scars, shingles and all.) He agreed and I think that got his competitive juices flowing. OK, that was probably not the most mature approach but it did work for me.

Anyway, you are still gorgeous, girl. So remind yourself (and maybe your hubby) of that.   

velutha

Sandesjo: Please explain pretty lacey mastectomy bra : )

gojojo21

Hi ladies, glad we can talk openly about this subject.  My sex life had been in the dumps prior to BC given marital problems but my sex drive is pretty much non-existent now.  I feel guilty.  My husband has been a trooper.  We go weeks without it on the regular but lately there have been a few times when it felt absolutely horrible.  I cried afterwards the last time because I was trying so hard to be a trooper but felt like my insides had been raped!  32 years old, menopausal and I was pretty much told at my last GYNE exam that i had the vajayjay of an old woman!  lol

drgoodyear

So, my question is....What do we do about the loss of sex drive? Other than the lube, is there anything we can do to get back in the mood physically and mentally?

I've just finished my mastectomy surgery with reconstruction, after having 6 months of chemo. I'm supposed to be starting tamoxifen in a month, and I'm worried that the tamoxifen will make things even worse!

christina0001

My onc is probably going to choke me when we have this conversation in a couple of weeks, but I really don't want to start tamoxifen until my lady parts are back to normal. It just plain hurts... I've seen my ob/gyn and she said it is from low estrogen. 

My sex drive never really changed during or since chemo, but being tired and stressed don't help. The mx has made things awkward too; I feel like a dork having sex wearing a top but there's no way I would feel comfortable or sexy topless right now (I have not had recon). drgoodyear, give yourself some time, and keep trying...that's what we're doing anyway.

Trina25

I've always loved lingerie So maybe try new lingerie whatever u feel most comfortable in. And I say just try new things to try and get the juices flowing, visit a sex store together and see what will interest you.