Is There A September 2011 Chemo Group?

Kelliregi

Hello! I decided to take a little trip on the pity-party bus, visited de-Nile, and ended up back in Side-Effect City. UGH!! I HATE CANCER!!!!!

I was prepared and ok with losing my boobs and my hair, it's all the other crap that is dragging me down, especially the LE and cording! My LE started with my last TE fill, and I'm due for another one Wednesday right before my big chemo. At this point I'm more worried about my fill, than the chemo SE's. 

Cheese and crackers, I hate sounding so whiny! This really is the only place I feel free to let go a little bit. My family is great, but I don't want to stress them out any more than they already are.

On the upside, I got to go to Georgia and see my middle son graduate from Army basic training. It was so great to see him! Now he is off to Airborne jump school and then to RASP - Ranger school. He is 21 yrs. old and he finally seems happy and content with his career path. I'm so proud of him. 

I've been trying to read through everyone's posts, but my memory is shot, and my eyes won't stay focused for too long (yet another lovely SE?).

Raebob - You have been in my heart and on my mind. Sending extra  big gentle hugs to you. Is that bonfire still going? I'd like to add my LE and cording, my TE's, neuropathy, and wonky eyesight to the fire. Burn baby, burn!!!

I hope everyone has a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Gentle hugs to all  

ccjj

CJRT,  I also would take the surgery over chemo any day.  I have twin 6 year olds.  I think yours are younger, so I might not be much help. Mine don't require much lifting these days. I had double mastectomy w/tissue expander's.  The drains are by far the worst part of the whole experience. I was able to slowly resume normal activities within 2-3 days of the surgery. Raising your arms over your head will take time and gets progressively better. I think having kids, being forced to get things for them and therefore moving my arms actually helped speed my recovery. My breast surgeon and plastic surgeon both wanted me moving around. If your kids are not in school or a day care, I would have help around for the first 1-3 days home from the hospital. My surgery was in summer, and I had my kids stay with their cousins for 3 days. I was in the hospital for 1 night and on the heavier pain killers for the first day home. After that Tylenol took care of the pain fine and I was able to drive and could run errands without getting too exhausted.  I had my drains removed about 8 days following surgery and it was like heaven getting them out. I had 4 drains and there is just no where good to put them. My tubing was long and comber some. They make camisole type garments that have pockets for the drains. I never got one, but wish I had tried it.

Raebob.. someone mentioned adding weight to the bonfire. I agree.. I worked hard to lose 15 pounds the year before I was dx w/cancer and its all coming back. Ugh!    

Congrats to Shelley for being done! Cant wait for us all to be done!

mags20487

halfway on Wed!!  Can't wait to be saying DONE.  Just found out that a friend's son died from injuries he sustained in a car accident just over a week ago.  He was her only child and they were so close because she was a single mom.  They were both engaged to be married soon.  So Sad. 

i agree with the weight thing.  have put on 8 lbs since starting chemo..what the H!!

 Kelli--welcome back to this thread.  pity parties are always best shared with those who understand.

Maggie

cooka

Welcome back Kelli, congratulations to your son!  

RaeBob

Rjbaby: so glad to hear about the encouraging news about your goddaughter and Colby. Will keep praying things continue to get better.



Sarah: i couldn't drink anything and one day my daughter was cutting up this ice cold watermelon normally I am not a big fan but I sat down and consumed the whole thing it was wonderful.



Pinkshirtnow: prisolec has saved me no heartburn what a relief it is I think I am remembering a long gone commercial "drop drop fizz fizz oh what a relief it is" I think that was for alka seltzer though. All I care is that it's working hurrah!



Sara: Thinking of you today hope the acupuncture helps let us know. I have number 4 tomorrow it seems to get progressively worse for me but I don't know if the grief mixed in made it worse or if this is just the progression of things.



Rockym: my steroid high is the only time I clean my house lately. My kids have been cleaning it in between.



Robo47: I have always been a space case with no excuse and people would shake their heads and laugh now I say ,"chemo brain and to think I used to be a rocket scientist" and they are all sympathetic. Something finally working to my advantage lol



Kelli: this is the bus to be on we are all on here together for each other. We truly are the only ones who understand the crap our bodies and minds are going through. I can be honest on here everyday my family and friends say how are you feeling today and sometimes I just want to go the same as yesterday and give them my laundry list and at the end go so how do you think you would feel? I know they mean well but I know they want to hear I am doing better and so I say I am doing better they smile and feel better and I can come on here and be honest.

Congratulations on your son in the Army I know you are a proud mama:) Enjoy your trip.



ccjj: I could definitely add some grease to the fire. I love it here I am looking like a mannequin out of some store and people look me up and down like shouldn't you be a skinny mannequin since you are doing chemo as I stand there in my pudgy glory.



Maggie: will pray for your friend I feel her pain.



Kimberly: we miss you and hope you are doing ok!



Tonight I am going to have my artistic daughter draw a happy face on the back of my head so when people ask how I am I will just turn to the Happy Head. Lol

belleeast

hi all, still feeling bad, good note i'm pretty sure i've lost more weight at least by my scales. see mo on thurs will weigh in officially then.

hope everyone's se lessen this week.

rae,love the idea of the face altho i would be tempted to paint an unhappy face! lol

SCPMadi

I just wat to wish everyone a  Happy Halloween. I hope you are able to enjoy some part of this fun holiday. Take in a scary movie, give out a treat or play a trick.

Hope you are all feeling Better today than yesterday. 

Sarah

PS. Anyone know where I can post pics of my little trick-or-treaters

CJRT

I don't even know where to begin with the fire. I have a laundry list to add!  Someone told me that she wore the same outfit to chemo every time and literally burned it when she was done.  

ccjj: Thanks so much for the input. In my case, it's a personal decision as to the surgical option, which is great in terms of prognosis but feels like more pressure since it I can't just base it on numbers and medical advice. Hearing about your experience is very helpful! Thank you!!

Kelli: Congrats to your son and glad you could be there for it!  Your comments about your little "trip" made me laugh.  I think I am following the same route!  Hope your fill and next chemo aren't as bad as you are fearing.

Mags: So sorry to hear about your friend's son.  

Hope everyone has a good Halloween and a great, minimal SE week!

Kimberly1961

Chemo brain, yes that would be like today when I promised my friend's mother a ride to doctor's appointment and couldn't find her house.  Yes, my chemo brain made her late.  Then I asked her "Did you find my Lipitor at your house?"  After I picked it up, the only place I was that day was your house and out to lunch with aunt and cousin.  Then I remembered I threw it in the glove compartment last week when I went to lunch because my purse is too small.  For a week I have been wondering where that med was.  Big software changeover is being implemented at my job this week.  Obviously the world does not revolve around me or they would realize, this is not good timing for me.  Luckily for me, no one does change well, so I probably won't even stick out that much despite the current chemo-disability. I hope my brain settles back in its normal groove and my hair grows when this is all over, but yes it is a little scary right now.  It seems to me like the old stuff, lots of repetition is stored.  The concentration, new information, and short term memory are really taking a beating right now.  OK, I am not an astrophysicist but I need to function in my own life, such as it is.

I watched you all throw your SE in the bonfire this weekend.  I got a new bonus one this round that floored me.  I had that horrible water retention round 2, so I watched my salt and hydrated less round 3, and that less than robust hydration led to urinary incontinence on Friday, 3 times.  There was no warning,or burning, pain.  I just stood up from a chair and oops.  All I did was stand up, didn't even feel the urge to go.  No pain.  Squirted my pants.  This happened 3 times on Friday.  Sit to stand.  Ooops.  Luckily that was the end of it.  I'm 50 years old and that's too young to be squirting the pants in my opinion.  WTF next?  Luckily it stopped.

The other worse side effect, right up there with peeing myself for OMG I hate this, would be how worn down I am emotionally and how I doubt myself whether I am strong enough to get through this.  The bone pain and fatigue wear me down, palpitations on exertion, inhuman excrement, being bald, boobless, LE, cord, and lump, breast fluid accumulation, port pain, sometimes incontinent, bloody nose, chemo brain, flu sick and can't recover.  I don't know who this body is since cancer treatment came to town.  The worst side effect, for me, is that it breaks me emotionally, so when stupid shit piles up, it piles up on top of this other stuff, and it's like the hair that breaks the camel's back.

I hate breaking over the little shit in a puddle of self-pity over circumstances that would never in a million years have broken me before.  They say the fatigue is cumulative.  I say the loss in general and the assault on body, mind, and emotions are cumulative and come at you at fairly rapid speed.  I say I cried after the stupid thing.  Well not that one but the one after the stupid thing that came after last stupid thing, after I tried to hold my chin up over the big thing, and that other big thing, and that other big thing....and then I just broke.  I'm crying in the driveway in my car because it's old and the lights won't turn off for the millionth time and the window doesn't work and valet wouldn't take it because they couldn't secure the vehicle with nonfunctional back window and I get palpitations when I walk/shuffle after chemo, and the stupid mailman throws his crap in my garbage can, free for all and my garbage man don't accept that, and the leaves are heavy in the pool, and.....I cry in my car in my driveway.  Arrrrgh.  I don't normally cry, brought up by depression era parents who were told and repeated it to me,  I'll give you something to cry about...and I believed them and did the same and now I am crying that my car battery is going to die because the fricking light switch is old and wonky.  How freaking weak is that.  But I am worn down.

I felt shame because these bad things are not as bad as other people's bad things.  I did not lose a child.  I don't have to fear leaving children without their mother.  I look at the homeless guy on the street pushing the cart.  Am I not better off, in some way?  I am so ashamed at not being stronger.  I hate the hitting my breaking point, the tears and self-pity.  I know rationally that at least half the world has it harder than me.  If I could throw anything on the fire, it would be that, that this has broken who I have always been.  I throw cancer itself on the fire.

.

PinkShirtNow

Big hugs to you Kimberly - I'd be willing to bet that we've all had moments just like you described.  I can go from "normal" to a puddle on the floor in 2 seconds flat.  I cry at weird moments - sad TV shows, hallmark commercials, college football games where the kicker missed the point after.  You get the picture.  Most of it is just fatigue.  I am tired of looking like a pudgy little old man and I'm tired of feeling crappy.  I have it better than most people but darn it, I feel sorry for myself sometimes. I want people to treat me like a normal person and not like Linda with Cancer but sometimes I want a little sympathy.  My friends call me and we end up talking about their problems.  Seriously, last week on the night before my chemo, a friend called me because she was having menopause-related anxiety. She called kinda late and knew it was my night before chemo but she needed some reassurance.  Under most circumstances I would be the best listener and I would offer wise advice and reassurance.  But that night, all I could think was who calls a friend the night before chemo and then talks about how their own anxiety problems? I'm worrying about having poison infused into my veins for hours and you are worried about mood swings???  I know that sounds harsh because I have been there with the menopause crap and it is not any fun.  It's just that I didn't have it in me that night.  Sigh.

 So, hold your head high and buy extra kleenex.  We all need them.  I do okay all day and then fall apart as soon as my supportive husband gets home from work.  Not much fun for him but I can only be brave for a limited number of hours per week. 

I also understand the shame of not being more positive all the time.  But I have given myself permission to do the best I can at the time and then let it go.  I was a worrier before breast cancer and I will continue to be a worrier during breast cancer. I seriously doubt I will change my nature while having chemo brain.  At least I know that what I feel is "normal" for chemo patients.

Last week, I was looking over the shoulder of the nurse who was entering information about my appointment.  One of the computer fields said "patient's primary complaint."  I told her to fill in that field with "patient is not happy that she has breast cancer."  

So, take care of yourself and give yourself permission to cry. We all deserve it.

rjbaby69

Kimberly:  ((((HUGS)))))

PinkShirtNow:  Ditto!  Been there, done that!  Being positive all the time is hard.  I'm afraid I've failed quite a few times myself.  Sometimes I just want the pity party!

I am so tired of being so tired of all this shit!  I just want me to be back to myself.  Hell, I think that's what we all want.  And the biggest question of all, when's this gonna happen for us?  I'm ready already!

HUGS and mightly BIG HUGS too all of us going through this stupid cancer!  I hate cancer!

But you are all in my heart and thoughts.  I'm right there with you friends.

HUGS!

RaeBob

Kimberly: I think as we move along through this you just described what many of us are feeling. It does not matter what else is going on whether it is big or small in someone else's world. We are all in the middle of this war and no one is getting out unscathed. What you are feeling is real and legitimate and you have every right to feel as you do. I would throw my low self esteem on the fire except I don't even have that left to burn. I feel stripped of it all and that comes from BC not from one other thing. I can't stand to look in the mirror if I see someone healthy and laughing and with hair I think who the hells life am I living what happened to me. I love teaching and I cant because of energy and immunity it seems now that was another lifetime ago. Thank you for putting into words what many of us are feeling. I too have felt guilty for being tired and just allowing myself to give in somedays instead of fighting. There will be ups and downs unfortunately as we move through this we become more tired and the stuff gets harder. We all have been told we will get through it and we will but right now it's OK to feel how you do. For some of us our SEs will be worse than others there is no rhyme or reason so complain away it just validates for me that I am not alone and that in itself is reassuring and helps me feel like someone totally gets it because they are in the foxhole fighting right along beside me. Hang in there and we are here for you! Hugs Rae

Kelliregi

Kimberly, Rj, PinkShirt & RaeBob - You ladies so perfectly described exactly how I've been feeling, especially the shame of not being strong and positive all the time! 

This thread and all of you are such a lifeline. Misery definitely love company . This is a club no one wants to belong to, but I'm so grateful for each and every one of you.

Oh yeah, happy November!!! Not to be ungrateful, but I'm happy to say goodbye to Pinktober  

 Sending out a big gentle group hug!!!

CJRT

Pinkshirt, Kimberly, and Raebob- I completely agree with Kelli. You vocalized (well, I guess typed) what I have been feeling about everything, from the way I feel to how others interact with me. I am getting ready to leave for an oncologist appointment to discuss changing things up a bit and instead of feeling positive because my MRI showed "no sign of malignancy," I feel like a failure for having to break up the chemo drugs into two sets. In the past, I never would've felt this way, and I rationally realize others have it much, much worse and that treatment is going really well. I even relate to Kimberly's comment about the homeless person on the street, since on the way home from the hospital for a fluid infusion on a really crappy day I saw a person begging for money with a sign that actually said, "Cancer survivor." When in the world have you ever seen that!?! My husband gave a positive spin saying it is a sign that I can do it if he can and that I have a much easier life to get back to. Meanwhile, all I could think is that I can't even relax on a 20-minute drive home from a stressful appointment without cancer being smacked in my face. I'm right there with you ladies and feel terrible others are going through this but feel validated that I am not losing my mind feeling this way. Hugs to you all.

mags20487

I agree with everything that has been said.  I cannot wait until I can get thru just one minute without thinking about cancer.  All my bodily functions are different.  I have pimples all over my bald head and face.  I hate the pounds that have found my butt.  I really do not know how I would do this without you all.  My friends and family are great but they do not get it at all.  To be able to just continue without someone asking me "how are you doing"?  I know they mean well but I just want to reply " How do you think I am doing--my breast are gone, the port always hurts, my head is bald and I cannot poop to save my life, and both my arm do not work right anymore"  I would never do that as my mama raised me better but I cannot wait til the end of 2012 to be able to move on and put this behind me.  In the past whenever something bad was going on I would just repeat the mantra "this is temporary"  Somehow with BC it does not work as well to help me thru

Maggie

khegidio

Hello everyone... Seems like everyone is kind of at the breaking point right now.  The side effects are overwhelming and invasive.  They suck - there is no getting around it.  I have my 3rd of 6 treatments tomorrow.  My next one will be Thanksgiving week! That should be fun.  I don't know that's going to work out. 

But - on a different note, I took my little man (15 month old), Jake out trick or treating last night.  It was his first time and he didn't really get it.  BUT we did get some great pictures.  We only made it to about 4 houses before he was ready to go to bed.  Makes me think of how next year will be so fun.  He'll actually understand halloween more and choose his own costume. 

 Here's a picture of the little vampire....

Kelliregi

Khegidio - Your little Jake is so cute!!! I really miss having little ones around for Halloween. Mine are grown and my grandkids moved to Colorado this summer.

I get treatment #3 out of 6 tomorrow too. Just think, we are half-way there! My next treatment will likely be the day before Thanksgiving, but the last one should be a couple of days AFTER Christmas!! 

Good luck with your treatment tomorrow and may your SE's be few . 

bluejay58

+1 to everything, especially you, Kimberly.  I got lucky for once -- my SEs have been fewer with my third treatment because my MO reduced the dosage by 20%, but I am still tired and mostly bald and having to take Imodium and sick to the max of it all.  I got so frustrated and sad a couple of days ago because I'd been feeling better, and then I had this third treatment and it's like I take two steps back and I'll never catch up with myself.  I hate this, hate it hate it and never want to go through it again but there'll always be the chance I might have to.  And I have no patience anymore -- a friend was complaining on Twitter that grad school is tough and it took all my strength not to tweet something obnoxious back.  Heh.  And I know I'm lucky in that I only have one more to go.

 {{{hugs Kimberly and everybody}}}

Also?  Jake is adorable.  We didn't do Halloween last night, so seeing a kiddo in costume is just great. 

belleeast

khedigio, your little jake is so cute.

today was a lot better day, thank you lord! i guess i'm just going to have to accept the fact the first wk after treatment of a/c is just going to suck. only have 1 more to go, then on to 4 dd taxol.

i'm so glad for this thread because you all get it. you understand exactly how hard it is at times. BIG HUGS TO ALL OF US. Never forget we are warriors fighting this battle against cancer and we will win.

rjbaby69

khedigio:  Jake is just too precious!  He is the cutest vampire I've ever seen!  My little man was
Spiderman!  They stopped by the store last night before heading out.

The ladies and I at the store dressed up too.  My co-workers were a go-go dancer and a goddess.  I was Santa's Elf!  We were so cute!  And I had a good time which is all the much better.

Belleast:  I like that...."we are warriors fighting this battle against cancer and we will win."  My sentiments exactly!

Getting ready for tx #4 on my birthday of all days.  November 10 I will turn 51 while I'm sitting in the chair getting the poison that hopefully is saving my life.  But I've decided to make it a celebration of sorts.  I am bringing a birthday cake to share with any and all that would like to share in my birthday celebration.  I figured if I gotta be there and I'm gonna feel crappy the rest of the weekend, why not celebrate with the doctor and nurses and my other new friends while I'm feeling good!  At least it will make me happy and that's what counts cause it's my birthday!

My goddaughter's baby is coming home tomorrow.  Can't wait to see my little great-goddaughter!  Goddaughter has to stay an extra night then she should be coming home.  Can't wait!

No change in Colby.  He still has not woke up.  I am no doctor, but I can't help to feel that the longer he is in this coma, the worse the outcome is going to be.  I am so upset and worried about him and his dysfunctional (and I mean dysfunctional) family.  Way too much drama to put on here but anyways, you have an idea that it ain't good!

Okay ladies that have had tx #4, how was it?  Give it to me straight!  Do I have extreme, extreme fatigue to look forward to?  How bout my hands?  The are painful but are not peeling but are still really red around my knuckles.  I have now noticed my ankles are swelling.  Is this from treatment or am I not drinking enough/too much?  Sigh!

Kimberly and Raebob:  You have spoken the truth as only you can.  I truly enjoyed your posts.  I am feeling the exact way and I am so tired of feeling it.  I am tired of being asked how I am and being told well you look good.  I really want to say I'm scared to death, I feel like shit and I miss my hair of all the damn things!  UGH!

Okay, enough rambling for today.  I do hope each of you have a wonderful day tomorrow and have NO SE's!  For you girls having treatment tomorrow.....I'm there in spirit.  Wish I could be there in body to help you.

And to whoever said it, I agree....Happy November!

HUGS!

RaeBob

Khedigio: oh my gosh Jake is so adorable I wanted to reach through the screen and pick him up. I am never around little ones and he is so cute!! You know my heart breaks for all the mommies on here with little ones I think we are all warriors but you all are truly heroes for hundreds more reasons than I have room to write. I have trouble keeping up changing my own messed up pants I can't imagine having to change anyone else's and that's just a starter. I put myself down for a nap and I stay there and when I cry I only have to console myself. If I don't want to eat I don't have to worry about feeding anyone else. So yes you all are amazing with young kids and you are still yourselves in your prettiest days and having to deal with this so when I feel bad I think of haviing had to do this when mine were young my hats off to everyone of you!!



Rjbaby: had number 4 today will let you know in 2 days. Each one for me keeps getting harder.

khegidio

Good luck to evryone with treatments today.  Mines at 10. 

SCPMadi

Good Morning Everyone,

Woke up feeling once again like I had been hit by a truck seems the neupogen needles are causing some major bone pain agian this round. I feel for those on Neulata as I heard it is worse. My mother-in-law is going to give me a break I need today and take my son so I can rest. I so wish I did not have my Pick as we have a hot tub and it calls to me. 

I had a little meltdown last night,  was just wishing for one normal day. My poor husband didn't know what to do he couldn't even rub my back because I hurt so much. The tylenol was not even touching the pain. The MO says the next rounds of Taxotere cause bone pain as a SE. I am definatly going to be asking for stronger pain meds before it starts.

I am in the precess of trying to figure out daycare for my 4 year old son well I go to radiation. The problem is that I have to drive 45 min each way to get there so I  no idea how much daycare I am going to need. It is so expensive espicially well off work. It would be nice to have a better idea what the times are going to be like. Plus I need to arrange drivers or at least company.

Halloween went well I was able to go to both school parades and to give out some candy. I of course died about 8pm and was not heard from again until 8 the next morning but it was worth it for me. 

At least the sun is shinnig here today. I hope you all have a better today than yesterday.

Take Care

Sarah

RaeBob

Sarah: I know this advice has been on here before but maybe you missed it. Claritin has been a wonder drug for me I get a neulasta shot two days after my chemo and I take Claritin the night before and have never had one bone pain.

Hope SEs are mild for everyone this time. Rae

Terry71

Wish I would have been more up to reading this about claratin OMG I have suffered with joint pain, and didnt know about i this time either so here I sit suffering again...... Next and LAST treatment Nov 17th I will BE taking it for sure....... Im so discouraged I dont even want the last treatment :-(   All I have done the last 6 days after it is lay on the couch and cry....... And I get neulasta also..... I HATE THIS...... So discouraged

SCPmadi I didnt get any joint pain from the Neupogen but the neulasta OMG its been HORRID.... 

Rockym

Terry71, can't you ask about switching since you have had Neupogen before?  Even if it is for the last round?

cooka

Hi Terry, sorry the Neulasta is doing you wrong like that. It got me too even though I took Claritin, but not for as many days as you. I finally resorted to Percoset and that took care of it. Hope you feel better, it really is the worst:(

Kimberly1961

Kate - Thanks for sending pictures of Jake.  He is adorable.  It helps to hear about the happy stuff too, vacations, business honors, kids graduating from basic, cancer not evident on MRI, birthday plans, finishing treatment.

RJ - I am so sorry to hear that Colby has not awoken yet.  I like the idea of bringing treats to chemo room.  Happy almost birthday. I have been trying to think what to bring to celebrate last treatment.

Thank you all so much for your support when I am losing it after treatment.  There is a lot of pressure to put a good face on it despite what we are actually going through.  That turns out to be too much for me.  Thank you for letting me whimper, whine, and let the tears and steam out and letting me know I am not alone dealing with this.  I hope others who had treatment last week like I did are also starting to see daylight again.

It's a big treatment week for this group, Rocky, Rae, Kate, Kelli, Sara, Maggie, and of course PinkShirt who gets the treat of having it every week.  You are in my thoughts.  I hope your SE are as short as they can possibly be.

Belle - I'm jealous that you have managed to keep thet chemo weight off.  No one is going to advise the chemo diet, that's for sure, but my weight tends to rebound once the tastebuds come back. Darn, darn, darn.  You must be having some terrible GI stuff to be keeping that weight off.

Kimberly1961

Cooka - You are absolutely right about Percocet.  I don't know why I am so stingy with myself at taking them, because when I use them they do help immensely.  Last round I only took 1 on day 5.  Well, I have 20 left from surgery and next chemo round I am going to be a lot more liberal with pain meds.

Anonymous

OMG, I woke up at about 3 am this morning, went to get a Zantac and ibuprofen, I was just standing in the kitchen and I wet my pants!!! I didn't even feel like I had to go that bad or anything!!!  Wow this just gets better by the day!  SE are kicking in, it feels all too familiar .

Hope everyone has a tolerable day!  And Little Jake is sooo cute, I love that age!

Sara ♥