my mums got breast cancer and i'm struggling

RebeccaJane29

Hey, we found out two days ago that my mum has Breast Cancer, I just cried, I sat in with my parents to see the Breast Cancer Care nurse, so I could understand what the next stages are. She is going to have an opperation to get the lump removed, and then we have to go back to the hospital 14 days after the surgery to discuss with them about the cancer, to find out if its spread anywhere and to also work out what the best route of treatment is, whether she is going to have chemo, radiotheraphy, hormone pills etc. and being an only child, i'm struggling, I know its hard on my parents, grandparents and other relatives we have told but I didnt realise how much it would affect me, i'm crying all the time, not sleeping, getting angry that its happening to my mum. I'm being supportive for her but I cannot help how i'm feeling. I've literallty just turned 17, so this has all been happening around my birthday, the scans, the biospy, the waiting for the results, so its been a real tough time.. and my friends, they are trying to be supportive and i get that the dont know what to say, which makes it harder because their being wierd around me, or they say ''its not that bad, its going to be ok, she will survive'' and i know she will get through this, but it doesnt change the fact that my mum has a killer disease inside her. I'm supposed to start my second year at college in 2 weeks, and I debating whether to go back or not, as much as i love my college course, my mums health comes first, and these next 2, 3, 4 months are going to be so tough that I dont think i'm going to be able to cope with college as well, when it comes to my college work, i'm a perfectionist and I know i cannot achieve perfection in my work whilst im worrying 24/7 about my mum..

Sorry to babble on and say so much, i'm just really struggling and need some advice, and I new this way I could vent all my feelings..

Help if you can, I'd really appriciate it.

elimar86861

I got my B/C diagnosis when I had a college sophomore and high school senior so that is where I am coming from in my answer.  Your mom will appreciate your concern for her, and if you are living at home while going to school, you might be able to pitch in and take care of a few household things that will allow her to rest when she needs to, like after surgery or if chemo gives her fatigue.

BUT, I doubt your mom want her cancer to disrupt your life.  That would just be another thing for her to worry about, or feel guitly about.  While it is great to give your mom support, your being there will not make the difference in the outcomes of the tests and treatments.  She will have your dad and grandparents supporting her, so she won't be alone.  Maybe that is why they are acting "weird," because they don't want you to be overcome and consumed by B/C.  They would want you to be a good student and enjoy your college days.  I might be wrong, but I might be right.  Have a talk with your mom and dad and see how they feel about you going back to school.

You will find online support here.  Also, you might not get much understanding from your friends unless you find one that had someone close to them with B/C.  That would be a good person to talk with if you do know somebody like that.

Almost all cancers are treatable.  Some cancers are removed and never return.  I will hope that your mom gets a good report from the doc after surgery and that she responds well to the treatments planned.  Your love and support will help, even if it is only a phone call.  Try not to worry or be too scared.  There are a good number of us that go through the B/C ordeal and DO get back to our normal lives after some time.  Do not feel bad about keeping your life as normal as possible at this time.  Good Luck with your decision, and to your mom.

Rennasus

RebeccaJane: Elimar makes some wonderful points above . She is very wise!

I have stepchildren who went through what you are going through now. My best advice: stay busy, definitely continue your studies, and surround yourself with supportive people with whom you can talk openly about your feelings. A little counseling (often available through the cancer center) can help you process all the changes going on right now. Because you don't have siblings to help share the emotional burden, it can feel isolating. Do you have cousins? Aunts? Talk to relatives you feel comfortable with who understand and can be supportive of you.

Remember, you are NOT responsible for your mother's health. You are only responsible for your own. So eat well, get plenty of sleep, exercise. As Elimar above says, friends who haven't gone through this experience with a loved one won't know how to relate. (This is true of adults, so it's definitely true of teens!) See if there is a support group at a local cancer center or hospital where you can connect with other young adults in your situation. Having even just one buddy going through what you are going through can make all the difference. BC.org is also a wonderful resource! So you've done the right thing by posting here.

The last thing your Mom wants is to cause you stress and worry. Have faith in her that she will fight this as hard as she can, and invest your time in doing productive things that will keep YOU calm and strong. Helping around the house or taking over a chore or responsibility she can't do right now will (as Elimar states above) be helpful to your Mom right now. And show her the love! That's really all she needs from you! ;-) Take care.

KTJ21

RebeccaJane:  I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  It is an extremely difficult thing to deal with.  These lovely ladies are absolutely right.  You can't let your life stop, simply because this awful disease has invaded it.  Though, I certainly understand how you might want to.  For three months, I let my life stop. 

A friend, whom I consider family, was diagnosed in late April.  I was graduating from college in May, and I was taking the summer off to prepare for graduate school.  So essentially, from early May to early August, I indulged myself a little (or a lot) and worked on assuaging my fears and understanding her's.  I looked up articles, I started following cancer blogs (some of which I'm very attached to), I joined discussion boards, and I visited my friend and her family every chance I got.  I let myself take the summer to be absorbed by the situation and to be as supportive as I could.  This worked for me, but I'm not sure if it was the best idea for my mental health.  I thought about cancer every day, and it probably would have been a good idea to try to distract myself every once in awhile.  Coming to grad school has been a blessing because I'm too busy most of the time to think about anything else. 

So, I agree with what's already been said.  Support your mom as best as you can.  She will know how loved she is, and she will appreciate everything you do.  I would say don't put your life on hold, but I understand that it is a completely personal choice.  I didn't feel right doing anything but trying to be supportive, so I can't really tell you different.  It's more of a "do as I say, not as I do" sort of thing... 

I'm also a perfectionist, so I completely understand where you're coming from.  I was worried that I would be too worried and stressed about the cancer to compete in a grad school setting.  And just a quick comment on my age...  I'm 21.  My friend is 43.  Our close friendship is perhaps strange in that way, but life is funny like that.  Anyway, I'm close to your age, and I can sort of relate to your feelings, though I'm sure they're amplified because it is your mother who has been diagnosed. If you ever want to talk to another young adult who is here as a supporter, feel free to private message me.  You really did come to the right place.  The support on BCO is fantastic.  It has helped me so much to read the advice that others give here.

Take care, (((HUGS)))

Katie

RebeccaJane29

wow, such amazing replies, thank you all SO much, your responces have been so helpful, and i have read each one throughally and many times, to really get the clued into my head.. you have all helped me, and i completely agree that this site gives fantastic support.

withlove

Rebecca Jane, I'm not much older than you and I have dealt with the same thing so I know EXACTLY how it feels. I'm EXTREMELY close with my mother and was so moved by this dx, to the point that I began to believe it was me that had the bc and my own life was on the line!! When you love someone you become heavily invested in their well-being. This experience will forever strengthen the relationship you have with your mother and you will both learn to apperciate each other even more now.  The first days are the hardest, especially that first week... I can relate to the sleepless nights and stress (thank God it happened at a time when school was out!) but you will notice as you are given a treatment plan and become aware of the situation, everything becomes sooooo much easier.  5 months ago my life was turned upside down, never did I think I would feel happy or smile again-- but the future is bright !! Your mom will be fine and you both will look back at this eventually!!

swarna

Hello, as I am reading through all the posts, I am realizing that my sister and I and my father are not alone in our struggle to help my mother cope with this B/C. All of you have been through the same situation, and your positive replies have helped me to place the matter in a better perspective. Our lives were turned upside down since August 5, 2011, when this was first suspected during a gynec examination for my mom, and I tell you, I will never forget the fear and confusion that I saw in my mom's face when the gynec said that she is suspecting this. However, we did not waste further time, went on to get the mammogram, biopsy, and then surgery, and now mom is discharged from hospital and recovering at home. Stage is II A. We are hoping that she will recover soon. We are meeting the doctor tomorrow to discuss the treatment plan.