I looked in the mirror this am and saw Linda Blair

bedo

I am usually pretty easy going, kind of quiet, but nice, but I think that I have been injected by "the evil virus" in my sleep. I get impatient when receptionists ask me to spell my name 3 times so now I just hand them my license when I go as soon as they ask.  Poof!  It's all there! I told 2 members of my family to leave me alone yesterday, I told one that I was not "hanging up" I was just "saying goodbye now" I called my first former husband a "bad word" yesterday. shhhh.  We normally get along Things get on my nerves.  That friggin black tatoo right in the middle of my chest that I got yesterday.  I actually tried to peel it off when I realized how stupid I was.2 family members have told me "not to play the victim" Who is playing the victim and when did they get so knowlegable about this?  (They actually have played the victim Ha Ha) One family member promised me.financial help that never arrived. I didn't ask for it. but my company closed 2 weeks before my diagnosis.  I do need to plan. I have to move. I have isolated myself now and told everyone to buzz off.  Now I'm sorry, but they are so clueless and I don't know how to make it right.or deal with my family. At first they were all I love you etc and now they want me to get over it.  I'm starting rads next week I asked my RO during my planning visit yesterday a question and she answered "maybe, a little bit" Unfortunately I told her I almost have my masters in statistics and that I didn't understand that answer.I don't think it's a good idea for your RO to hate you. I haven't practiced my instrument in a month.  I cancelled dinner with my best friend twice. I change the kitty litter at the last minute.  I'm evil. Please send the exorcist. Am I the only one who has had this bad a reaction?  I really have no reason to, it doesn't help  I try to do things with friends but I don't enjoy it. I have 2 black cats.  Maybe I'm a witch.

1Athena1

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thats-life-

that is the funniest thing i have read in a long time, thanks for the lol...though i understand the anger and pain and frustration behind it. Have felt, done, all those things (except getting a masters in statistics, i have sent myself insane trying to understand them lol) ....it is a learning curve, a time of grieving and looking at mortality that others dont get, wont get i think, until they have to face their own...after a year i have learned to try not to be hurt by others actions/carelessness/stupidity, and to focus on myself and my healing and my future...i wish you healing and joy...you can tell me to 'f' off too now lol...:)

thats-life-

im so sorry if you did not mean for that to be funny, but i seriously cant stop laughing at 'i looked in the mirror this am and saw linda blair'...ive lost it....that is the truest description of this hell trip ive ever heard ...hahaha

survivor11

Hey you know what, it's okay to tell everyone to piss off every once in awhile. No one, I repeat no one understands this hell unless they have walked through it themselves.

Now since you are feeling like "Linda Blair", I strongly suggest talking to your docter ASAP. You do not have to feel like this, We all lose our minds, due to treatments, meds, circumstances, etc, but there are things that can be done and drugs that can help.

If your friends and family can't understand why you may have not been yourself lately, well...piss on them. You really do have to be selfish during some of this and let yourself off the hook. You can apologize and them move on and try to be a little better, but beyond that, you don't owe anyone anything.

Hang in there babe, Better days are ahead.

bedo

No worries. That's Life.  As long as you don't think I'm evil.  (But I am)

Char2010

bedo - I had such a good laugh reading your post (thank you for that) - not only because it is witty but also because I can relate to how you feel.  I try not to "deal" with people when I am in one of my moods but believe me, if they could read my thoughts they would run in the opposite direction.  I also have two cats but neither one is black - so I must be the "good" witch :-)  I do want to mention that when I was first diagnosed I was very angry about everything and with everyone.  That is not the case any more.  You may want to consider writing down your feelings - I am not much of a journal keeper but have in the past put down on paper my anxieties and concerns.  Gave me a chance to get it out of my system and was also a reference when I started to feel bad/angry about something.

thats-life-

and dont let the 'get over it' 'move on' 'stop playing the victim' lines make you feel like your experience is less than it is..people have said similar to me at stage IV!...'start living!' they say...'stop thinking about it'.....its because THEY want to stop thinking about it/move on/stop worrying about you...you have had to face cancer, your mortality, the stress of wondering if it has gone etc etc etc ....validation for what we have gone through/are going through, is important...sometimes we dont get it from family and friends, sometimes we do, but give that to yourself

StillKicking

The best medicine I've found when I'm feeling like this is to go to the topic under Moving Beyond Cancer entitled "I'm bitchy, I moan, I groan...anyway".  Start reading at the top.  It is the best antidote for depression.  After reading a bit, start posting.  You have to start your thread "I'm sorry for your troubles, now listen to my crap".  It is wonderful to get it out and actually laugh at your troubles.