Am lonely, sad and nothing tastes good.

Fearless_One

I don't know if it's fatigue, depression, or what.   I've had a few surgeries, but so have most of you here.   My reconstruction is going well.   I think it's loneliness + fatigue + depression.   Nothing tastes good to me, so I am eating unhealthily.   Do you feel like that sometimes?  

I feel funny talking to my onc about this - I should be lucky to be doing well.  

PeggyDixon

Hi Fearless - I definitely feel like this now and then. I always figure it is a combination of stress, fatigue and a bit of depression thrown in....and you know what? We are allowed to feel this way after what we've been through. I find if I keep busy, even if it's just relaxing with a book, helps me. I try to get out of it but if I can't I don't beat myself up over it. I think talking to your onc would be a good idea if you have a good relationship! As for the taste problem, that went away for me eventually and now I am back able to eat anything lol. I hope you are feeling better soon. I love your proverb....and to add to it, the butterfly can fly above the world and its troubles!

badger

Fearless_One, sometimes I get tired and depressed, and sometimes I get what I call the FIA (eff it attitude) but it's almost opposite of yours.  Instead of lonely, I'm sick of people and want to be alone.  Instead of sad, I'm angry.  And everything tastes good.

I'm a believer in exercise, but pharmaceuticals can help, so it might be good to talk to your doc.

Just wanted to say you are not alone.  {{hugs}}

Fearless_One

Thanks, Badger...it is interesting how we can all so through BC yet feel so differently in our mindsets...

bak94

Me too! Plus I am having stomach issues today. I had a million things to do today and all I have done is read all the forums.

Fearless_One

I hope your tummy feels better, bak94.    I just wish my appetite would return so I would be more incliined to cook and prepare healthier things.

bedo

Badger and bac you crack me up. So even if you had a bad day you made one person on the planet smile. I am about to start rads and am grumpy.  Very Grumpy.  Also Sleepy and Dopey.  But not the others.  No sneezy, Doc, etc. Just those 3. Fearless one.  I try to remember that things go in cycles.  I do hope you feel better and you have to, because the only thing constant is change.

Fearless_One

Yeah, the "sick of people" comment kind of made me chuckle  ...   I guess I mean I am lonely in the romantic sense.   But I feel rather anti-social when it comes to talking to my co-workers, etc.  

I like coming here because everyone understands where we are at and why.

badger

LOL bedo you made ME smile! 

Fearless_One

Thank you, ladies....Bedo, you are right and I know this will pass...plus I am in need of a vacation, just really tired.   My only "vacations" since my diagnosis have been from surgical recovery.

I need a beach and a margarita and two weeks off.....

survivor11

Oh God do I know what you mean about needing a vacation. So tired of being the "cancer girl" and I swear that if I hear in the whisper, one person to another, "she's got cancer", one more time, I'm going to make Hurricaine Irene look like a spring shower.

My issue is that I feel like someone in solitary confinement and I haven't killed anyone yet. Because of treatments then symptoms from treatments, I have spent a hell of alot more time at home than I ever cared to. Have had really depressed days, or angry days. One thing about BC is that you'll never get bored with your own outlook, attitude, cause give it a day and it will change.

Hang in there girl. Bitch, scream, cry, do whatever you need to do to get through it and believe that you will get to the other side.

Fearless_One

Survivor, you made me smile - that's good you haven't killed anyone yet, lol!   It would suck to beat cancer and then have to go to jail!

So you're sick of being at home, I'm sick of being at work!   I get only two weeks vacation a year, and have had to use it all on sick leave plus a lot of unpaid time.   I look forward to a REAL vacation that doesn't involve a hospital 

survivor11

Do what I'm doing. Boyfriend is taking me on a "no more cancer" vacation to Costa Rica in Feb. Hell of a way to tell cancer to KISS MY ASS!!!!!!!!

Fearless_One

Well, I have no money and no boyfriend, but that sounds awesome.....

bedo

Hey! Fearless one,  I have no money and no boyfriend either!

We can celebrate by leaving bowels of crusting ramon noodles all over the house and watch trash TV in our underwear.  Now That is my idea of a vacation!

Edit

Fearless_One

Bedo, sounds good to me!    I enjoy just staying home and hanging out - I really don't get bored too easily...

bedo

You better make this and tell me if it makes you feel stronger tomorrow.  K?

Anonymous

Fearless- If it helps I think the estimates are something like 25% of us have depression after cancer.  I think it just permanently changes us and it can take awhile to adjust.  I've posted this article on a few threads but I think it really helps to know that what you are feeling is normal and that other cancer patients feel exactly the same way.  (((hugs))

After Cancer, Ambushed by Depression
By DANA JENNINGS

I'm depressed.
I'm recovering well from an aggressive case of prostate cancer, I haven't had any treatment in months, and all of my physical signposts of health are pointing in the right direction.
Still, I'm depressed.
And I've been ambushed by it. After more than a year of diagnosis, treatment and waiting, it's almost as if, finally and unexpectedly, my psyche heaved a sigh and gave itself permission to implode.
I'm not alone in this cancer-caused depression. As many as 25 percent of cancer patients develop depression, according to the American Cancer Society. That's contrasted with about 7 percent of the general population.
This isn't about sadness or melancholy. It's more profound than that. Broadly, I have a keen sense of being oppressed, as if I were trapped, wrapped up in some thick fog coming in off the North Atlantic.
To be more specific, I'm exhausted, unfocused and tap my left foot a lot in agitation. I don't much want to go anywhere - especially anyplace that's crowded - and some days I can't even bear the thought of picking up the phone or changing a light bulb. All of this is often topped off by an aspirin-proof headache.
The fatigue frustrates me most. When I envision myself it's as a body in motion, walking or running, not foundering in bed. On one recent day, I slept till 10 in the morning - getting 11 hours of sleep - then took a nap from noon to 2. And I was still tired.
I've had occasional depression over the years, but nothing as dogged as this. When I first learned that I had prostate cancer, I wondered about depression. But after the shock of the diagnosis wore off, I was sharp and clear-headed. I wasn't depressed as I went through treatment - surgery, radiation and hormone therapy. I was buoyed by a kind of illness-induced adrenaline.
The bone-smoldering fatigue arrived in late spring/early summer, and intensified as summer deepened. I thought that I might be depressed, but resisted the diagnosis, didn't want to countenance the idea that I could be depressed after all of my treatment.
I stubbornly chalked the fatigue up to the lingering aftereffects of radiation and my fluctuating levels of testosterone. But I was wrong.
I am seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in cancer patients, and have started a course of medication. My doctor assures me that depression isn't unusual among those who are on the far side of treatment.
Partly, I think, I'm grieving for the person I was before I learned I had cancer. Mortality is no longer abstract, and a certain innocence has been lost.
And while the physical trauma is past, the stress lingers and brings with it days washed in fine shades of gray. In the same way that radiation has a half-life, stress does, too. We all ache to be the heroes of our own tales, right? Well, I'm not feeling too heroic these days.
Cancer pushes lots of difficult buttons. It lays bare our basic vulnerability and underlines the uncertainty of this life. And prostate cancer attacks our culture's ideal of manhood. The steely-eyed Marlboro Man isn't expected to worry about incontinence and erectile dysfunction.
Cancer feels bleaker than other diseases. Even though my health keeps improving, and there's a good chance that I'm cancer free, I still feel stalked, as if the cancer were perched on my shoulder like some unrepentant imp.
It's harder to write about the weight of depression than it is to write about prostate cancer and its physical indignities. Cancer is clear biological bad luck. But depression, no matter how much we know about it, makes part of me feel as if it's somehow my fault, that I'm guilty of something that I can't quite articulate.
This has also been a difficult post to write because during my dark waltz with cancer I've depended on my natural optimism and my sense of humor to help see me through. But depression blunts those traits.
In the end, though, I believe in and trust in the healing power of the stories that we tell each other. And I wouldn't be truthful to you or myself if I ignored the fact that I'm depressed ... even as I wait for a brisk wind billowing out of the north that'll blow this fog of mine away.

Fearless_One

Kate, that was so beatiful....thank you so much.   How interesting to read from a male perspective and agree with every single word.   Especially the part about lost innocence and grieving for the person you were before.  

And I haven't wanted to be around people, either.   I eat alone outside at lunch instead of the cafeteria; I don't answer my phone or return emails.   I am just social enough at work to be professional. 

But mostly, I want someone special in my life.   I want to feel loved, energetic and pretty again.   But I need to get out of this depression for that to happen. 

Anonymous

I think so many times people don't understand our sadness.  They think we're grieving over losing our breasts (which is definitely part of it) but it is so much more than that.  I say it's not a vanity thing.  It's a sanity thing.  And just wanting to go back to the person we were before.  I hope you find that special someone who makes you feel all the things you described.  (((hugs)))

Fearless_One

(( hugs)) back to you, Kate :-)   I hope so, too.   But I have been single most of my adult life, and if I continue to, so be it.   I think maybe I will meet someone, but it will be harder after BC.   I don't think anyone can deny that.

Fearless_One

Thinking of seeing a shrink.   I went to a few in my youth, but none of them were particulary bright or gave me much introspection, but I guess there's good ones and bad ones like anything else....

badger

Fearless_One, what you say is true, there are good and bad counselors out there.  Maybe you could interview a few and see who you click with.  You should feel comfortable talking to them, and they should listen, summarize, and reflect things back to you.  IMO that's where the introspection derives (from you, not them).  {{hugs}}

Fearless_One

I felt comfortable with them, I just never met one that helped me.   They seemed to talk to me like I was child.   They never gave me anything to reflect on - that is what I meant. 

badger

got'cha, I hate being talked down to, too.  Then you get to pay for the privilege.  Guess I've been lucky in finding good people to talk to over the years.  Never a shrink tho, counselors and wise women friends.

Anonymous

Fearless- I always felt when I went to see a shrink that is was $100 for a one hard venting session on my part.  Never really felt like I got much in return.  So now BCO is my counselor.  There's a great thread on here for those of us dealing with the emotional aftermath of BC.  It's called "Great saying about depression".  Sometimes we just yack about our lives but we also post about how hard it is to move on from all this.  Come on over.  We're always there to listen.  (((hugs)))

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/759882?page=65#idx_1950