Widow having BMX

blondelawyer

I am a fairly new widow (my husband died in Nov. 2010) and I was dx with BC in April. I'm having a BMX next week and I am so emotional about it.  I feel like I am "damaged goods" now and worried that I am going to be alone forever.  I am only 33 and I thought that I would be fine being alone (my husband had cystic fibrosis so we knew that he would likely die young), but it has been hell going through this alone.  I'll eventually have reconstruction, but my surgeon said it will be a year before I can have it.  Cancer sucks!

208sandy

Blondelawyer:

So sorry about your husband, I was widowed on November 3, 2009 right after I had completed chemo and rads BUT I was 64 years old (but a young 64) - I know that life sucks for you right now but you'll come out of it eventually - it's taken me quite a long time to recover my strength emotionally though but it does get better - I think that reconstruction is a good idea for you because of your age and your situation and I think you will find happiness again - I know how awful you must feel with your impending BMX and "going through it alone" (my husband was deathly ill while I was going through treatment - do you have any close friend that will help you through this - a male friend might be the surprisingly good choice here.  Keep in touch and feel free to PM me if I can be of any help.

Hugs, Sandy

Fearless_One

I am so sorry about your husband.   But BMX will not cause you to be alone, I am sure.   You are such a young woman -  please don't give up.   You will not be alone forever.

blondelawyer

Thanks for the support.  BMX went fine and I'm recoverying.  It has definitely been an emotional journey, but I'm making it.

sweetbean

Blondelawyer, Why did your doctor say you would have to wait another year?  That's really draconian!  Did you get TE's?  I'm guessing that you will be doing radiation, too?

blondelawyer

No TE's--my understanding is that I am not a candidate for inplants because of the radiation.  I will be doing radiation and you have to wait 6 months after that I think.  I know of another woman from the same clinic who was told a year. We are both triple negative, so not sure if that has anything to do with it our not.  I know that cancer is super aggressive.  But really I just want this all behind me!

sweetbean

Interesting.  I had TE's placed during my BMX and then did radiation.  I will be getting implants - don't have enough tissue to make breasts.  If I did, I would definitely be going the "free tummy tuck" route - it lasts longer and looks more natural.  You do have to wait 4-6 months for exchange surgery after radiation.  I am thinking that I will be about 7-8 months because of my schedule.  But because implants are my only option, I have to be patient.  It's hard because I am single and I would really like to be dating, but I am super self-conscious with these super-hard TE's in.  *sigh*.  I'm 37 and will be 38 in November, so time is ticking on, you know?  

 If you are a candidate for DIEP, you might want to come out East and meet Dr. Mark Smith at Beth Israel in NYC.  He is amazing at DIEP and a super nice guy. 

blondelawyer

sweetbean:  Thanks for the suggestion.  I have been looking at NOLA, but they are out of network for my insurance. I am strongly considering traveling and then staying with my FIL in Florida for the recovery since I live alone. I understand wanting to be done and time ticking.  My situation is a bit different--I'm a recent widow and only 33, but I just feel like I want my body to be ready to date when my heart is ready.  So much emotion wrapped up in this!

Denise2730

BlondeLawyer - I was widowed August 2010 and diagnosed with BC April 2011. Sometimes life can play such cruel tricks on us.

How are you doing? 

Denise

lauri

Blondelawyer -- TAKE YOUR TIME !!!  I was widowed at 31 and remarried the following year ... WAAY too soon.  Hadn't recovered from the loss of husband #1 and #2 always felt like he was being compared to a ghost.  Let your body and your heart heal in their own time.

Lauri

sweetbean

Blondelawyer, i'm so sorry for your loss - i read your blog.  He had a great smile - you can tell he was a wonderful person.  I totally get wanting to by physically ready, even if your heart isn't there yet.  When you do radiation, use emu oil.  I used it and it really reduced burning for me, which I imagine reduces the overall damage.  I basically looked tan-pink by the end. I am continuing to apply it in the morning and evening and probably will up until my exchange - the stuff is supposed to be amazing for your skin.

blondelawyer

I definitely have no plans to get remarried soon or even date for that matter.  For some reason I just keep thinking about it and how horrible cancer is.  I think that it is just that my entire life has been turned upside down and nothing makes sense.  

Thanks for all of the kind words! 

penelopejones

Blondlawyer....no such thing as not eligible for implants because you had radiation ! ! !  That was true at one time but not so now.  Are you working with a plastic surgeon that can fully explain all the different options for skin from other parts of your body?  Please look into it.  I have many friends that have had radiation and then reconstruction of different types...

 Do not lose hope for reconstruction....  Keep us posted...

hugs and good luck

penelopejones

I was widowed 9/2/2010 and then diagnosed with further spreading to other areas last week...Boy oh boy, does cancer suck! !... I am a young 75 and so miss the romance...  My spouse was in a nursing home for 6 years with advanced Alzheimer's so I have actually been a widow since age of 69.  Once he had a stroke and was admitted, he did not recognize me ever again..or anyone else for that matter  I so miss him and just live with the memories of our good times..he was such a romantic......

I do keep thinking, who in the heck wants to get involved with an old lady that has met cancer?

Life is just not fair...but who said it would be?  Just that it would be interesting...and trust me, that is has been after raising 6 children.  Lonely in California.

kcshreve

I had a bilateral mx with an immediate diep reconstruction, so I went in with breasts and came out with breasts.  As devastating as cancer truly is, and how it turns our lives upside down, I can tell you that going through the diep process really helped me feel more "whole".  I went to NOLA, but there are others out there, too, who do an amazing job.  The recovery was a challenge, but not as hard as I had imagined, and I was finished with the various stages and completely done before a friend of mine had finished up with her implant transfers and nipples.  It was certainly not a competition, but I mention this more for the fact that a DIEP seems like a longer process when, in fact, it may not be.  And once you're finished, you're really done for the rest of your life.  I'm 2 years out now, have good results, can wear a bikini if I want and no scars show.  Even nude, I'm looking pretty good.  I chose to go from a D down to a C, and that darned abdominal roll which I developed over the years was put to good use.