cant stop crying

motheroftwins

I had my bmx (nipple sparing with imm tissue expanders put in) on Monday Aug8 the breast surg called me last night with some of the results

I had orginally been dx'd as Stage 2 pro/est +. and gussing tumor around 2.5 cm. only done from stero biopsy, I had mammo(microcalcs), ultrasound and MRI and nothing seen on them

Well the bs was shocked with me. My tumor was 6cm across my breast. I guess that was about 2 inches,  I havent gotten the results from the HER2 yet,..  They removed the sent nodes and 4 out of 5 were positive He said he then removed another cluster of 21 they were neg.

I have to now have my nipple removed cuz the cancer was right below it. The dr said he could not see my cancer, which so worries me.

I am so sore  and now I am so emotional.. I thought I was strong.. but am obviously am not. My husband family and friends have been wonderful but I feel like nothing is helping.

Could my cancer be in my bones?? Will they do some tests to see if has spread.. or am I ok since only 4 nodes were affected.  HOLLY

luv_gardening

It's natural to grieve. You'll feel a lot better when you have a treatment plan worked out.  

Meanwhile I suggest you go to the pinned thread at the top of the stage three forum called "Stage 3 Five Years+ Out-Check In !" and start reading. Look out for those who have been stage three for five years or longer and see that some of them had many nodes and sometimes huge tumours.

I know it feels awful now but it really will get better. 

Moderators

You are not alone with your feelings of grief. You are in an extremely difficult time, but it will get better. We know you will receive the support and warmth from our community members. 

We are thinking of you. 

The Mods 

chrissyb

Hi Motheroftwins, please know that the tears you are shedding and the fears you are feeling are a very normal part of what you are going through.  If your doc has not done so already, he will probably order some scans to make sure it has not gone any further.

This journey is one of ups and downs more like a roller coaster than a flat road but know you are not alone....there are many here to talk to when you need.

Love n hugs.  Chrissy

Ang7

Hi motheroftwins~

I am also a mother of twins although they are now 15 years old!

Please know that we are all here for you...

Hugs, Ang

pickle

Holly;

I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much and I'm sure you are shocked and disappointed with the latest news. You are STRONG. Being strong doesn't mean you can't cry and be sad, upset, shocked etc. You must be strong because you aren't burying your head in the sand. You are seeking knowledge and are asking questions. It takes strength and courage to face this head on. Don't be hard on yourself. Allow yourself time to absorb the news, keep asking questions and cry as much as you have to. When I was first dx, I cried alot and felt guilt for crying. A wise lady told me that I needed to learn to puddle. She explained that you need to cry and envision your tears making a puddle. Let the puddle get bigger and bigger until there are no more teardrops to add and then you will feel your strength return and you are ready to take on the challenge. I puddled many times
and after each big cry, i felt a great sense of relief and felt rejuvinated. You will have your ups and
downs but you can do this. There are so many great ladies here that will help you and cheer you on. Rely on the support of your family, friends and the ladies here to help get you through.

Hugs
Beth

Celtic_Spirit

When I was first diagnosed, I had two small lumps, one in each breast, so they thought I was stage 1. Then I had the sentinel node surgery, and 9 of 31 (I think) lymph nodes were positive, so now I was stage 2. When the pathology report from my mastectomy came back-- ta da! -- they had found--in addition to the two small lumps--a 2.5 centimeter lump and an 11 centimeter lump (yes, you read that right!) that had not shown up on any mammograms or manual screenings. Well, now I was stage 3A, and by golly, that's where I wanted to stay!

In order to determine whether or not your cancer has spread, it would be a good idea to have further tests. I had a CT scan and a bone scan. Fortunately, nothing cancerous showed up. This also gives your doctors a baseline to compare to any future scans.

Having the cancer spread to lymph nodes doesn't mean it's spread further. It doesn't mean it hasn't. Numerous stage 4 ladies had no lymph node involvement but were diagnosed as stage 4. Other ladies who had 10+ nodes infected have not had it spread. As I said, I had nine positive nodes. I'm 3.5 years out, and so far I'm fine. My onc said she would be shocked if I had a recurrence.

This is a crazy time for you. That's normal. If you find yourself obsessing or panicing, ask your doctor for some xanax. It helped me a lot. Sometimes sitting down and having a good cry made me feel better, too. Stay away from Dr. Google, but if you do venture there, ignore research that was published more than five years ago. Best of luck to you, and hang in there!

Elizabeth1959

I agree with Celtic-Spirit.  Stay away from Dr. Google.  The information regarding stage 3 is terrifying.  I was encouraged by report from MD Anderson.   http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/729858

This breast cancer battle is difficult.  You will find the strength to get through it.  I look forward to hearing how you are doing.

Elizabeth

lexi4

Sending you gentle hugs. It will get better.

Hugs and Prayers,

Lexi

NancyD

I know how hard  it is to be "upstaged". I was originally thought to be a Stage II based on my mammo/ultrasound/biopsy, but when the PET/CT scan was done just before I started chemo, they found my area was larger than expected, but still within the Stage II measurements. Then when my pathology report came in after surgery, I had four nodes affected rather than the two they saw in the PET/CT scans. So even though the tumor had been rduced to less than 1 cm, all of it combined upped me to Stage III. 

But as had been said, it doesn't mean you are doomed.  For one thing, they will give you everything they've got now to keep it from reoccuring or metastesizing. And they will keep a close watch on your stats for years. I'm 3-1/2 years out, and I'm still seeing my onc every four months.

I'm sure your drs will run more tests like a PET/CT scan to see if it's anywhere else. That's pretty much standard for Stage IIIers.

KerryMac

Here's another couple of articles -

http://www.pslgroup.com/dg/25a522.htm 

http://www.mdanderson.org/newsroom/news-releases/2010/md-anderson-study-finds-increases-in-five-10-year-survival-at-every-stage-of-breast-cancer-over-six-decades.html 

Both very encouraging, and these are still 5 years out of date. I think the stats are only improving.

The treatment you will get is not the treatment that all the old stats are based on. Remember, at Stage 3 we are treated with curable intent, and for a lot of women treatment is successful. No reason why you won't be one of those woman.

This post-diagnostic, pre-treatment stage is one of the hardest, there are so many unknowns, and it can feel as if you are doomed. You aren't, you just need some time to get your head around things. Do not get too ahead of yourself, take things day by day, find something you enjoy that is distracting (DVD's, computer games, etc) that you can use if it all gets too overwhelming.

And remember, we are all here from you, we have all been through what you are going through. Hang in there, it will get better! 

jennyboog

You are strong, don't think you're not just because you're worried and crying.  This is an emotional rollercoaster & a hell of a road we're all on so, we're due some tears along the way.  Who wouldn't be upset after going through what you just went through, its normal, I was a complete basketcase at dx.  I'm sorry to hear things have changed but you're still er/pr+ & 4 of 5 nodes is not bad.  They should do other test to check for mets & I assume you will go to chemo next.  Just know we're here for you and things do get better, the beginning is the worse part.  I just hit my year mark and I'm doing good, I never thought I would be doing as good as I am a year ago but I am and you will too.  Sending you hugs and prayers.

kathleen1966

Dear mother of twins,

I am soo sorry you are having to deal with this unpleasant and surprising news.  I too went into surgery, thinking I was a stage I and came out a stage IIIa, with four out of five sentinal nodes positive like you, and the rest negative like you.  My cancer was also right below my nipple. This will likely be the hardest time for you but you will feel stronger as the days go on. Yes, the past year was hard for me with many ups and downs.  None really physical though, all emotional. I hope you can get some support and understanding from this site.  There are many women on here with positive nodes that are doing very well and have been for years...you will be too....

karen1956

mother of twins....sending hugs your way....BC is a tough road, but doable...I am 5 years out....there is life after BC and Tx....Karen

Bugs

I am so sorry you've been hit with this news.  It's a shocker when they call you with all that bad news.  I went into surgery thinking I had a breast full of DCIS.  Well, I did...but I also had an 8.5 cm tumor and 3 positive nodes.  Surgeon called me on Valentines day with that bit of news, ugh. 

Take a deep breath.  You can do this and we are here to help you get through it.  NOBODY gets it like we do.  And guess what?  On Wednesday I met a 13 year breast cancer survivor.  Stage 3 with 4 positive nodes. 

faithfulheart

Lots of prayers coming your way, you can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most of us end up in a different stage then we start out, I am 2 years out almost from my dx, I feel great. Yes it can be an uphill battle, you will find the strength, it comes!!!

Please come back here, the women here are the most amazing, strong, and supportive women

ever!!!

God Bless you,

Stephanie

kimber3006

I cried so much those first few weeks.  I had always considered myself a strong person, too, but that is such a hard time to get through.  Like others have said, it really is a grieving process, and it really will get better.  Once you have a plan of attack, there will be a little more order in the world.  Just keep leaning on the wonderful women here and read those taglines and the "Five Years Out +" forum to keep your spirits up.  Even at stage 3, a lot more women survive this thing than don't.  No reason you can't be one of them.  ((hugs))

Joviangeldeb

(((((((hugs))))))))

so sorry your going through this. I, too, cried for a while after I was diagnosed.  And my doctor's were originally thinking I was stage 2, but turned out after my Mastectomy, they found a 6.5 cm in my breast and a tumor that had broke through into the surrounding fat,  in one of my lymph nodes, so I was changed to stage IIIA.  I'm currently 3 years out from chemo and no evidence of disease.  I promise it does get easier to deal with after the initial shock and trauma.  It changes your life forever,. It will never be the same as before, but in some ways the new normal will be better.

Take care,

deb

cmdczc

It's overwhelming now, but it is very doable.  Stay strong and it does get better.

Rachel1

Sending you love and prayers. It is so difficult. I'm a year out and I still will burst into tears. But it does get better. I promise. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) Rachel

YATCOMW

Holly.....

Hang in there....it is a lot to take in.....but know that I am over 7 years out with an 8cm tumor....at least 17 nodes positive...in the skin ....bla bla bla.....

My children were in elementary school.....they are all in high school/college now.....

It is scary now.....but with time....you feel better...

Jacqueline

lauri

After quite a while of thinking " I had cancer in 11 of the 12 nodes they examined," my new mindset is "at least one node was NOT affected -- so maybe the cancer didn't get any further"... five+ years from DX and life is good.  As others have said, the time before you get your treatment protocol set is the pits but once you get started you just take it one treatment at a time.

jdootoo

Holly, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Let yourself feel how you need to feel and cry as much as you need to cry. I too went into surgery thinking I was a stage I, maybe II, since the biopsy they did on my nodes came back negative. When I woke up, my sister broke the news to me and I was just glad she was there. The day I went for my PET scan was one of the hardest of my life, I felt like I was walking through mud.

That was 1.5 years ago and now I feel great and actually have days when I don't even think about the C word! Reach out for support from the people you know can really offer it to you and let people help you. Sending love and prayers your way.

One love, Jackie

pupfoster1

Hi Holly,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  I can so relate to your story though.  They thought my primary tumor was about 3cm going in and it ended up being 6.5!  Plus I had 13/15 positive nodes (none of which lit up on my pre-surgery PET scan).  For whatever reason I kind of knew to myelf they would find positive nodes, but I have to say the size of the tumor really freaked me out.

You've been through major trauma Holly and it is totally natural to feel the way you do.  Once you get all your final pathology reports and have a plan of attack you will hopefully feel more in charge.  It does get better with time.

Take care,

Sharon

Anonymous

I can so relate to this Holly. After I had surgery to remove what I was told a a 4.8 tumor and SN, they told me the tumor was larger then they thought but had clear margins and clear nodes.  When pathology came back the tumor turned out to be 5.2, and SN was positive.  So the following week they removed 17 more nodes, with 2 being positive for cancer cells.  When the BS informed me, I just started crying right there with my DH and BS.  It does get better with a treatment plan and you feel more in control with the knowledge of your path reports.  Hang in there sister.  All will be well and all will work out.  That's what I always tell myself when things look the bleakest.

Barb

motheroftwins

Thank you everyone, This board helps the heart. Everyones kinds words, own experiences, and encourgament that there is hope. I met with bs today, Got 1 of the 3 drains out, Wow did that help with me being able to move my arm more. Feeling a little more human not so helpless.

Well today I found out that I am Stage 3 and the grade was 3 as well But I guess HER 2 was neg and the prog/est pos so that is good.

Next Friday 26 I meet with the oncologist to find out my plan... Another week and a half.. of mental stress, but my body is getting better each day.

Wow these darn TE are not fun. They put in 300 cc in mine to begin with. Feels like they are squareish what the heck..

Thank again everyone for being so kind. and words of encourgement HOLLY

Outfield

Holly,

I haven't posted on the Stage III board before, and the particulars of my diagnosis still upset me so much I can't fill out the little form to have them in a tagline below my posts.  Maybe someday. 

There were bad surprises in my diagnosis too.  The first doctor who examined my lump said "I don't think this is anything" and it really didn't feel like anything.  Plus my mammo had been OK 8 months earlier.  Thankfully she decided to be thorough and evaluate it.  

Well, I went for the diagnostic mammo and US and there was this big area of new calcifications that on my mammogram report is described as "much larger than the area of clinical concern." Then the surgeon said during her exam she could feel a node.  I just started screaming at her to stop, I didn't want to know anymore.  So they didn't tell me any more until I was ready, but I knew I had multiple nodes positive.  It's a horrible feeling.  Horrible.  But you get through because what else are you going to do?  My kids were not-quite 3-1/2 and just-turned 2. It felt like the grief and anxiety were going to kill me, but they haven't.  Those first days were the hardest part of my whole journey so far, hands down.  

I am sad anybody else has to go through hearing this kind of news, but it will get better.  Even chemo, which I didn't tolerate very well, was better than the just finding out part.  We are all strong and courageous, I think more than we ever could guess before.  If I could, I would send you some hope and good sleep to get through this time.  You will.

bak94

Outfield, it took me awhile to fill out the diagnoses info! Like I was in denial or just didn't want to look at it, so I totally understand! I also don't really know what stage I am, as I am doing neoadjuvent chemo, and there has been some disagreement between doctors. I could be worse than stage 3, and that is just too much for me to handle,(although my mo insists it is stage 3)  so I am sticking with stage 3c!

Holly, sounds like you are feeling a bit better! It does get so much better once you have a treatment plan.

Anonymous

Pupfoster:  Your dx sounds familiar, and just wondered did you at any time ask your oncologist why no nodes lit up on the PET?  I had the same thing happen and they could not explain that very well at all.  And with a tumor as large as ours, my onc said mine had all grades from 1-3.  I guess that is common with the larger tumors.  ---Shelly

Kay_G

It is so wonderful how we can all help each other through this!  I so relate to not being able to fill out the tag line Outfield.  And also relate to the docs not telling you the facts until you are ready for it.  I have never had a discussion with a doc about the pathology report from the biopsy I had, which was on March 1.  But I am a lot stronger now.  In a lot of ways all those initial things, were the hardest part of the journey.  Just got home from the hospital yesterday from a uni MX and DIEP.  Will get the pathology from the surgery next week.  Had neoadjuvant chemo which just finished three weeks ago.  Still on Herceptin for a year and will start rads in about 6 weeks.  My tag line is what I've put together from what various docs have said at differnt appointments I've had.  But the great news, the BS did not think there was any cancer in any of the tissues or nodes she removed at surgery.  Chemo is worth the SE's.  I will ask her when she goes over my path report with me next week how many nodes she thinks were cancerous before chemo.  I know "multiple" lit up on the MRI I had.  But on the positive side ladies, women on this forum who are stage 1, stage 0 or just have DCIS have recurrences and become stage IV and women who are stage 3, grade 3 like us are cancer free for the rest of their lives.  I know our percentage chance of recurrence are greater than lower stage women, but the only thing that really counts is if it will happen with you, not your percentage risk.  That is making me feel much better.  I do feel it is a bit of a crap shoot whether it will return or not.  I am doing what I can to keep my risk down, eating better and exercising and reducing stress.  That makes me feel good too.  The other thing that makes me feel good is that the chemo works best on the aggressivie tumors like I have and probably most of you too.  I believe our risk of recurrence is greater for the first three years after tx are done, but the slow growing ER+ tumors are actually greater risk of recurring after that.  They are quiet and slow growing and sneaky.  Mine is aggressive and smack you in the face if it rears its ugly head again.  Thanks mother of twins for starting this topic.  (I am a twin btw.)  And thanks for all the comments.  And even if it does come back for any of us, everyone here on this board is here for us and will help get through it.  There are lots of tx options out there and lots of support.  We are stronger than we know and we're even stronger with the help of these boards.  You are all in my thoughts and prayers.    Kay

Cat123

Hi you!  I'm so sorry you are hearing this news but I heard it too.  3.5 cm tumour turned out to be 6.5 after mx and then 4 nodes positive.  But it sounds worse than it is.  Chemo, rads....we will beat this!