Not sleeping and sad

pat01

Before my diagnosis, I was a pretty upbeat person, glass half full type, and a wonderful sleeper.  My emotions have been up and down during surgery and recovery, but generally I was still in pretty good spirits.  I am now doing radiation, had planning last week, dry run Wednesday, and finished #2 today.  All week I have been edgy, and the last couple of days I am just plain sad - not really sad about anything, sort of feel like I just watched Marley and me one too many times.  Both days after radiation I've felt like crying.  And I am not sleeping - woke up last night at 3am, nights before I was sleeping fitfully.

I am continuing to work during radiation, which so far is a good thing since it takes my mind off of things, and the people I work with have been wonderful.  I see RO Monday, a friend suggested I ask for Xanax so I can sleep at night, as I need to do that during radiation.  I'm not really into pills, but she is right, I can't get by on 4-5 hours sleep a night, especially when the radiation fatigue sets in.

I know this is probably pretty common, but it really took me by surprise, since I seemed to be handling things so well up til now - then boom, I'm just not myself anymore.  This isn't  fun.

vlnrph

You are going through quite a bit. Having a little short term help in the form of a mild anti-anxiety agent like alprazolam (generic name) is perfectly reasonable. Perhaps your doctor would even call in a prescription today so you could try it out over the weekend and start getting some rest!

SpecialK

I am not having rads but have had the sleeping issues for a long time - going back to my diagnosis.  Many nights did not sleep at all.  Not upset really, just couldn't settle down.  My BS did prescribe Xanax but I never took it.  In my chemo group thread the ladies who finished chemo and were moving on to rads seemed to go through this same reaction you are having.  The anticipation of the new treatment got the better of them.  Once they were into the swing of rads that seemed to go away for them though.  Hoping the same for you.  They all also noted increasing fatigue on rads, so sleep is important.  Wishing you the best.

Claire_in_Seattle

I know I am a broken record here, but try to get in a walk or two each day.  That will help with both sleep and fatigue.  I also continued to need extra protein at that time.

But I know.......you are so sick of dragging.  It will get a lot better about three weeks post rads, and continue from there.

Good luck......remember, you are on the home stretch now, and it's uphill from here. - Claire

Moderators

Be kind to yourself right now. Do some nice things to pamper yourself, and Claire is right, take walks, sit in the sun, and do things that relax you. This is NOT the new you, this is only a temporary phase. Just be loving your body and your spirit, reach out for support and help, and take it easy. You'll get through this!

 

Thinking of you,

--Your Mods 

bcisnofun

Hi - I'm doing chemo but not rads, but have had the same experience lately as what you describe.  I was always a glass half full person although I've always had insomnia, so we're different there and I've always had to take a small dose of something to sleep.  I feel strongly that not having enough sleep contributes to feeling sad and overwhelmed.  I did take xanax after the dx as I was trying to cope and it helps.  Just a small dose half pill maybe 2 x a week when I'm feeling really anxious.  The initial dx really shook me and sleep was a major problem.  But after surgery, I felt stronger every day, was going to the gym by week 2, and felt like I was doing something to get better and seeing progress.  But then after my second chemo, sadness really kicked in. I cried a lot and I'm not one who usually cries.  I am seeing a counselor and hope that helps.  A brilliant person on this site told me to remember two words "temporary and forward".  This (radiation for you, chemo for me) is temporary and just keep moving forward.  That has helped me a lot.  I'm thinking of you and wishing you good luck and peace!  Pam

Bren-2007

It's normal to feel this way during radiation.  It's very draining emotionally and physically.  One thing I noticed during rads was that I was craving protein.  So make sure you're getting enough protein.

I would also recommend something to help you sleep, as the effects of radiation are cummulative.  I'm lucky I work from home so as the weeks went by and I got more tired, I was able to rest.  If you do walk or go outside, just protect your skin from the sun.

Radiation was very stressful for me, the machine freaked me out.  Just the stress alone was at times exhausting.

Please be good to yourself in the coming weeks and know that what you're feeling is quite normal.

hugs,

Bren

AmyIsStrong

Yes the xanax is a good idea. Definitely helps you GET to sleep. STAYING asleep can be a whole 'nother challenge, I've found. NOTHING worse than lying awake in a dark house in the middle of the night, when it is quiet, everyone is asleep and you are left with your worries...

I found it extremely helpful to use an IPOD - download some podcasts on topics of interest to you - I used travel stories, cooking stuff, etc. - low key, kind of boring talks. Music doesn't work, b/c it allows your mind to wander as you listen.  Put on the IPOD earbuds and lie there in the dark listening. You will not be worrying b/c you will be paying attention to the person talking, and you will fall back to sleep faster, often with the headphones still on. I would wake up slightly to realize I had them on, just quickly take them off, put the IPOD aside and go back to sleep.  Try it!

Good luck. Not sleeping sucks for sure.  On another note, I never had ANY noticeable fatigue at all during rads. Don't expect it- just wait and see how it goes.

Amy

Elizabeth1889

Hi pat01:  My experience with rads has been like BinVA.  I am feeling exhausted emotionally and physically.  During the first week of rads, I would run to my car after treatments and cry my eyes out. Sleep was fitful at best.  I saw my PCP at the end of that first week and she prescribed ativan for me to take before bedtime.  It has helped so much.  I do not need it every night, but when I do, it works wonders when I do need it.  Please do not be afraid to ask a doctor for help.  Talk to whatever doctor you are most comfortable with.

pat01

Thank you all so much for all your kind words and advice. I particularly liked this advice "This is NOT the new you, this is only a temporary phase." I'm going to keep repeating that LOL. You know that ad for Cymbalta where there is a dark cloud over the persons head? I never really got that ad until this week. It helps to know this is normal and temporary. I do walk just about every day. I'll work on getting more protein, and will talk to RO Monday about how I've been feeling. I'm not really a pill kind of gal, but in this case I think I will probably need a little something to get through the worst of this. I really appreciate your help and support.



Pat

spendygirl

When I first started rads, I was so afraid the machine was going to break and fall on me and crush me.  Of course I've never ever heard of that happening.  Pat01 it's barely been two months since you were diagnosed.  I remember being exactly the same way.  Your life is turned upside down and so much happens so quickly.  Your emotions are bound to be up and down.  Once you get into a routine of going to rads, it will be better. Don't be too hard on yourself and rest when you feel like you need to.  To me, going under that machine made cancer very real - even more than surgery, do you think that might be what you're experiencing?  The ladies here are wonderful and full of wonderful advice.  this month is one year since I finished rads, feel free to ask any questions if you want.  Hang in there, one foot in front of the other.  Hugs to you, Tracye

Elizabeth1889

spendygirl:  You are correct about being in radiation making the cancer real.  Until rads, I felt like a healthy person sidetracked temporarily by cancer although I had surgery and chemo prior to rads.  Now that I am undergoing rads, I really do feel like a sick person.  I cannot wait for rads to be done and hopefully get back to feeling like I am on the road to recovery. 

pat01

I'm doing better today so far, probably because I don't have rads!  Still sleeping very fitfully, but no crying jags. Stayed up late last night so I wouldn't be lying in bed crying.  I told my husband how I've been feeling, cause I didn't want him to think I was losing it!  Also shared with a couple of good friends.  Sometimes saying it out loud helps to put the feelings in their place.

Someone told me that rads are harder than chemo since outwardly you don't look "sick", so people expect you to be normal.  I didn't have chemo, but I agree with you Elizabeth, radiation really does make me feel like a sick person.

Hope you all have a great weekend

theatercat

Starting chemo aug 26th. I was no upbeat through diagnois,testing, surgery. I am getting a port on tuesday. The past couple of days I feel the depression and sadness setting in. I cry uncontrollably at any moment. I was never one to feel sorrow for myself, but its just not fair !Just plain sad,a couple of hours a night of sleep if I am lucky. Used to take a wonderful afternoon nap. Now I just feel wired and starting to feel the cancer working on me, if this is possible. Thanks Amy

cinnamonsmiles

I do believe xanax is an anti-anxiety drug, at least that is why it is prescribed for me. It does make me tired, but I have rarely taken it. I needed something to not only help me fall asleep, but also keep me asleep. I have severe neuropathy from the bmx and node dissestion and the pain has been unbearable for months. My pain clinic doctor gave my amitriptolyne 25 mg at bedtime and I fall asleep and stay asleep. But that is what works for me. Talk to your doctor about your problems and be specific that you need something to fall asleep and STAY asleep. My pain doctor said right away that if you are not getting good sleep, your body can not heal as well...Don't we all know that anyway? But it took me so many doctors to find one to help me. Good luck with sleeping....

pat01

Saw the RO today - they are going to have me see a social worker. Again, this is so not me, but I figure what the heck, maybe they can say something that will make me not feel so sad. Or I guess more importantly, put this all in perspective. As far as not sleeping, they suggested I try generic benadryll (25mg), as this is the PM part of tylenol PM, excedrin PM, etc. So I'm going to pick that up today and see if it helps. I think if I were not so tired I might have a better handle on my emotions. I kept real busy over the weekend, and went to the gym to walk on the treadmill both days. And I keep telling myself this is not the new me, this is only temporary. The RO said my sadness is so very NORMAL, which really helps to hear.

@Amy - hang in there - stay busy and do happy things with others - keeps the sadness away, even if its only temporary. I hope you talk to your doctor about not sleeping, I really think I would have better control of my emotions if I weren't so tired. In someways I feel like I have a newborn, tired all the time, and big hormonal emotion swings.

Pat

Elizabeth1889

pat01:  I hope talking to the social worker will be very helpful for you.  I started seeing a therapist when I started rads and it has helped me.  It is good just to have someone listen to you.  Sending hugs to you.

joyceva

It is very normal to be experiencing what you are in light of what you are going through.  I was given clonazepam, which is a bit longer lasting that alprazolam.  One of the greatest gifts I learned through this journey is the use of meditation and relaxation.  There are many different downloads, cds, etc. that can help in getting you started.  Wishing you all the best.  You will get through this sweetie and there are happier moments that will be yours.

sandy115

I am going through chemo at the moment 2nd infusion I feel the same way cant sleep crying all the time my Dr give me lorazapam for sleeing when I was dx.I take that in the evening but during the day the sadness is horrible today I have cried most of the day cant concetrate on anything.Tommorow I will call the Dr I did go for some councelling @ the begning of Dx but that did not really help.I hope these feelings go away soon.I dont know if I can handle the sadness anymore.

J-Bug

I have found that I feel much more sad and depressed if I am taking my Ambien to sleep every night. So, it has been a tough decision between sleeping and sadness. Fortunately, I also am on an antidepressant which helps with the sadness as well.

Then, I also work really hard to find something about each day that I enjoy. Even when I am working lots of hours, I try to watch a favorite TV show, sit and talk with my children, water the flowers, something that gives me joy and at the same time working very hard to stay in this present moment. I do not allow myself to do too much forward thinking. That just brings me more sadness and anxiety. I have learned a lot about this from Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now. I have various teachings of his in book and audio format to keep reminding me of this practice, because these things are a practice, not just something that you read one time and know. None of us just know how to do this right. It is a daily practice of deciding to participate in each day. Although Wednesday stunk and I opted out - spent the entire day in bed! : )

alfie167

theatrecat - i'm starting chemo on the same day.  I was suppose to start it last week but i didn't get my ct scans or muga scan and it had to be postponed.  Just a thousand more phone calls to make BTW insurance, radiolgy and doctor, but everything is moving now.  I too can not sleep and i wake up every morning stiff and miserable, even more now with my port.   After my 16 wks of chemo i have to get 6 wks of radiation.  I am dreading the weight gain.  I'm already heavy and can't afford anymore pounds. I'm actully relived to read your post.  I am trying so hard to listen to the upbeat rah, rah people but some days it just doesn't work, I'm glad to know I'm not alone.  I know i will pull through this as will you but i understand your feelings and I think maybe we are entiltled to feel a little sorry for ourselves. keep in touch and let me know what happens.

alfie167

OK, as usal my emotins are up and down.  I just had a positive, Chemo hairloss, i hate the thought of losing my hair, bleachh>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> but i have a terrible beard (family curse).  TADA  Good thought for the day:  maybe i'll lose my beard, lol  see it isn't all bad.  beard hair VS. good night sleep,HMMMMM perhaps a fair trade

Cat123

I'm there with you sista!  I have had two surgeries and chemo and the rads is what did me in.  Couldn't sleep well with anxiety, etc.  I finished July 12th.  I am taking Clonazepam for anxiety which i don't take all the time just when I need to calm down.  This will all go away though.  The different treatments affect everyone differently.  Hang in there and I will too!

pat01

Wanted to update you all on my visit with the social worker. Had a very good talk with her. I saw her last Thursday, but even before that I was beginning to feel better. I noted that last Wednesday (day before social worker visit) I did not cry at all, and was beginning to feel like my old self. It was amazing really, as I had never suffered from depression - one week I was so sad and just dull feeling, then slowly over 2-3 days I started to lose the sadness and empty feeling. Have to say I'm feeling back to my old self this week. The social worker did caution me that my feelings might return when I am done with treatment, and that this is very common. All of a sudden you remove yourself from your daily medical support team, and you might get all anxious again. Now I know to look for these feelings in myself and be prepared for them.

Still not sleeping well, but my RO said to try benadryl before bed - tried it one night and it worked beautifully! So I have something to use if I need it.

Thank you to all who offered kind words and virtual hugs to me through my down period. You were right, it does get a little better as you get used to it.

Pat

Elizabeth1889

pat01:  Glad to hear that you are doing better.  One day at a time!  We are here for you all the time--on good days and bad days.

Thepeddlerswife

Is anyone who reads this thread a mother of a diagnosed daughter? This has hit me hard. I am away from my husband in a state where I know no one except my daughter. I left my job to come and be with her. She is still working so I am walking the boys to school, doing the housework, and cooking and I can't get my head clear. Always on the verge of tears and every morning I feel like I am going to throw up. We don't have her 'exact' diagnosis yet but we do know that it is IDC er- pr-. We are having genetic counseling tomorrow so she can do the BRAC (I think) testing and are getting a second opinion on Monday. I just don't know how many days I can feel like this and still be of help. Eating very little and sleeping very little.

alfie167

Good morning, Last night was horrible, worse than ever.  I had to have every test man ever created yesterday so I can start chemo tomorrow.  My tumor was up against muscle so they couldn"t clear all around and I guess they are worried so i was poked, prodded, sliced, diced and poisoned even more.  I'm starting to feel like a disney princess, Oh, how i wish i had thier waistline.  Anyway the closer i get to chemo the worse i sleep.  Is this normal?  Am i going to do chemo and feel like a silly fool, because i got to tell you I'm pretty scared about chemo.  I'm vain about my skin and nails and seriously i just can't take anymore weight gain. I know that is all just vanity and my other option would have been worse but still all those manmade chemicals in my body sort of freak me out. You hear horror stories and then you also hear women who are doing wonderful, it is a piece of cake for them.  I wonder which i will be?  HMMMMM