Creating a better life as a single woman

BrilandGirl

After a horrendous 2010 (financially, emotionally and physically), I am working on re-building my life at the age of 48. The good thing about hitting bottom is that there is only one way to go and that's UP!  Although it hasn't been a straight path, I'm definitely on a positive road. 

Some things that cancer has taught me: "Cut out the crap/Don't waste my time" is my new way of living life most of the time. If something or someone doesn't feel right, I let it go and move on.   I never thought I'd have the energy or motivation to rebuild my life but I'm now working (so good to be productive again) and even dating (a big change after a psychopath of a business partner/boyfriend).

Some of the things I've learned in creating a better life for myself:  prioritize MYSELF and stop giving so much to everyone else, you TEACH people how to treat you and have QUIET time.  To keep going on my road to recovery, I am working with a nutritionist/wellness counseler (met her at the local farmer's market and turns out we went to the same college!), surounding myself with my friends (organized a mini-reunion on Martha's Vineyard and had a fantastic time), going out with a few guys casually and seeing which one rises to the top and being OK with not going out with anyone for stretches of time--but MOST importantly--creating a work life as a consultant to allow me to work on projects I want to and with people I respect and trust so that I can spend extended periods of time by the beach (truly a healing place for me).  We need to be financially independent and self-supporting--economic self-sufficiency is critical--think that's how many of us  end up staying in wrong relationships and marriages. 

Everyday I'm grateful that I'm back on my own (even if I have to live with my mother for a while I get back on my feet), being productive--and for my fantastic supportive group of friends, family and colleagues and most of all--that my cancer was caught very early and allowed me to rebuild my life.   

What things have you done or are you doing to create a better life for yourself as a single woman?  Or for those who not single, what advice do you have as I navigate the next chapters?

Kim
Diagnosis: 11/3/2010, IDC, <1cm, Stage Ia, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-

Claire_in_Seattle

Hi Kim,

First of all, a major congrats on rebuilding a sensible life.  I am still working on mine as need to get my career back on track.  The important thing that way is to make sure you do something that plays to your strengths. 

Congrats too on getting out of a toxic relationship, and for seizing the moment to do cool stuff.

I think what is really important as a single woman is that I don't feel I have lost any of my physical attractiveness.  This is important as it affects my own image as a vital, healthy, sexual being.  I am older than you are, so I want to make that point too.

My own learning is that "new normal" is setting the bar too low.  I am going for "better than ever".

I have clarity and inner strength that I didn't have before.  I set boundaries, and I go after things that play to my strengths.  Figuring out my career is the pits (I would have loved a job to return to, etc.) but nowhere near the challenge that a trip through kick-butt treatment is.

When you get back on your own, don't go for too much apartment/house.  I was held hostage for so many years by the house I had.  My ex got it in the end.  We just don't need the space to store stuff that we once did.  Not when so much of this rests in the cloud.

As for clothes.....feel fab, do something for you, fewer but better quality.  This also goes for what you wear underneath it all.

Finally, don't pay too much attention to the press.  They are in the business of scaring us to death.  True, the world is changing and the NYC area is feeling it.  Look for the opportunities and towards the future.  Make sure you stay current in your field.

You have your best life ahead of you.  Good luck. - Claire

BrilandGirl

Thanks, Claire!  Your points all resonate with me and it's great to have the perspective of someone who's a bit older and a year ahead of me on the BC front.  I know what you mean about the physical attractiveness thing--I was terrified before my surgery (my first-ever surgery with general anesthesia) and unhappy with my healing and bruising for months but it looks a lot better now and the scarring isn't so bad.  I'm just glad to be on the mend and a few scars/darkened skin is no big deal in the scheme of things. 

 And yes--the best thing was getting out of my purely toxic relationship and putting myself before others--I ran myself ragged taking care of all our customers that I completely ignored my own health.  Now it feels good to be working--even though I ended up with a "Horrible Boss"--however,  have learned my lesson and set up another work situation with better people and will be leaving the current one in the next week or so.  It's good to have some money and add to my wardrobe a little at a time with some great buys from Nordstroms and Ann Taylor (great looking work jacket for $60 on sale). 

Thank you for the advice about housing---I will stick it out with my mother for as long as I can (she's going away for about 6 weeks which will be a good break for both of us!) and find a small apartment when my fianances permit it--my plan is to work as much as possible (still dealing with fatigue issues post-radiation) and rent a furnished apt. in the winter on my favorite tiny island in the Bahamas (possible for under $1,000 a month)--I will continue with some of my consulting work (fundraising and green building consulting) and finally write my story--friends have called me the "Korean Oprah" and Memorial Sloan Kettering in NYC has a writing program where they match you up with a professional writer--and spend every day by the water. 

I firmly believe that my best life is ahead of me--as is the case for all of us on our journey.  Best of health, happiness and prosperity to all and thank you to everyone who posts on this great website--it's been a big part of my healing. 

Claire_in_Seattle

Kim.....

Sounds like a plan.  I had a lot more treatment than you did, but you should know that it was about 10 months from radiation that I got my full energy back.  Not that I didn't do strenuous things.....such as a double century last summer cycling and 12 miles of back country x-country skiing most of the winter.

But I didn't have my edge until about three months ago.

Your skin will heal so don't sweat it.  Right now, it's the strip on my back along the waistline that is burned, and that is from omitting sunscreen.

I am trying to avoid the husband of a college friend of mine who is hell-bent on dragging me into old fartdom along with the both of them.  No thanks.  I may need to tell him that.  I don't need this.  Cautionary tale though.

Check out resale shops.  Some great ones in Westchester as I used to live there.  Look at Penny Pincher.....great sales too.  My snag of the season is a Agnona jacket originally from Bergdorr's and cost something like $1700.  I got it on the sale rack at the resale shop here for $50. 

Right now, I am hurting from a cycling injury (trashed ankle) but continuing to remain active and move forward with my life.  I am doing a two-day cycling trip next weekend.  New place and should be a blast.

I was rocking a Jean Paul Gaultier top tonight with a good bra underneath and looked fab.  How bad is that????

Best of luck, and I do think you are well on your way. - Claire

Fearless_One

I love this post, especially the part about "financial self-sufficiency" being crucial to our well-being.   I work full-time but am not financially secure and consequently am currently in an environment that is not the best for me, but can't afford to leave.   Perhaps this is why I make bad choices in men - maybe on some unconscious level I am looking for someone to "rescue me" .

Don't ever underestimate the importance of money.   It really does buy you options in life and can contribute to your happiness.  

BrilandGirl

Fearless One:  Thanks for the post--one of the things I'm still learning is that we all need to stand on our own two feet--doesn't rule out getting help from others (I've received a ton of help from my friends and family in the past year) but that at the end of the day, we can only rely on ourselves.  I met an interesting guy at the beach who happened to be scuba diving by himself--I told him that I thought all divers needed a buddy in case something happens.  He told me that in such murky waters (Rockport, MA), you can't see anyone else just a few feet away--so that in the end "you need to save yourself".  So do what you have to create a better life for yourself--reduce your expenses as much as possible, save a bit and look for new options--or create options in your life to make extra money--I don't know--just throwng some stuff out there.  Don't wait for a knight in shining armor to rescue you--they don't exist except for the very few--best I can do is not rely on someone else to improve my life--I've been helped by many friends but in the end, I found a job and now that it's not working out, I've reached out and created another consulting job for myself. 

There's no one solution for everyone but just focus on yourself instead of others--it's a bumpy road but definitely one worth taking a ride on--you never know what will happen when you feel better about yourself and create the life that you want and deserve.  And I will never give all my money to some undeserving conman of  guy--shoulda, coulda listened to my gut but didn't--lesson learned and I will keep moving onto better things and people.  Good luck in all of your endeavors--

Fearless_One

Kim, I totally agree.   While many women do get "rescued", they are often the very young and beautiful.   I am 46, somewhat below average in looks .   I wish I had made better career choices in my 20's instead of going out every night and settling for mediocre jobs.  

I really think it's hard to be happy when you are not financially independent enough to buy yourself out of a bad situation.   Financial autonomy is KEY to happiness, IMO.   Health is #1, though.  

mybee333

I do think it is the "young and beautiful"  that get rescued.  Not that people/men can't be good to us later in life, but I have found that the 'second time around' they tend to be seeking someone that can pull their own weight, if not more so. If they have supported a woman (ie, she didn't work) in the past they NO longer want to do so ever again!  The problem with that is:  1) This is a two income society, and 2) Women are vulnerable.  We go through many emotional and hormonal changes, as well as stresses on our bodies related to child bearing, breastfeeding, child caring, emotional nurturing, caring for elderly parents and general relationship tending. Women are truly the 'glue' that hold so many family relationships and friendships together.  Our plates are full and we do better with emotional support. Financial assistance or sharing can be infinitely helpful. That said I am currently self supporting with three teen age dependents.  I do okay but wish I could do more for them.

Fearless_One

Three dependents....I don't know how you single moms do it.   I am single and struggle, and I don't even have kids.   I am in awe of single moms ....

mybee333

You just do what you have to do.  Sometimes it is a blessing. It does keep you busy and your mind off of things.  Dependents or not, it is still difficult to make it financially with a single income.  There are just so many fixed household expenses. And going through this is a challenge for all of us!  We just all have to work at taking care of ourselves first!

Anonymous

life you may find that the single life really does suit you better. ... Things Every Woman Wants to Hear a Man Say.

BrilandGirl

Stacygills:  your post is uncalled for--please remove it. 

Fearless_One

The best advice I can offer is to take care of the following in the following order:

1)  Build and/or keep your support system - doesn't have to be family if you are not close to your family - friends can be just as important.   Even pets can help us feel so much better.

2) Be as healthy as you can be, physically.   Try to eat well, get rest and some excercise - doesn't have to be kick boxing - just some light excercise 30 min a day if you can.

3) When the above is taken care of and you have completed treatments are are feeling better, work on your financial security.   This is so very important.   Money really does matter, and you should be prepared in case you lose your job, your insurance, etc.  It can ease your mind and alleviate stress to know you have some financial security.