My "friends" think I should get over it. I am so angry, hurt!

laura347

I have struggled with this now for almost 2 years. I guess I need to know if it is me or if this is a normal reaction from friends, even family. I had one of my dearest friends basically get in my face and tell me that I need to see "someone". All really because I still have some anxiety. I think I do pretty well, and so does my husband. But, what, am I supposed to just go on as normal? I feel that  this is an undesired but "special club", and I cherish all the sisterhood, whether I post or just lurk. Please if anyone feels or has been faced with this, let me know....I am SOOOOO angry and Alone on this.

Laura

bcincolorado

Hi Laura,

You are not alone.  This is the illness that keeps giving and giving.  The worry, the anxiety, the emotions just never seem to stop entirely....they sometimes get a little under control but then come right back up again when I least expect and I am in tears again.

Most of my family thinks I'm "brave".  I try not to let my spouse see me cry or my worries....only people here can really understand. 

Hang in there. 

vickilf

I'm told all the time, it's just another small bump in the road and to get on with my life. Easy for everyone else to say. I can't believe how my, what I thought were friends for years act like, they seem to not care, come around, ask how I'm doing, nothing. I also have CLL another cancer since march of 2010 and now IDC. I am amazed how most of my friends have responded to me. I am also amazed how some other people that weren't my friends have become my new friends, they care, they are here for me, Having Cancer has showed me who my real friends are. I think I can say the same for some of my family, I have to call my sister, she never calls me and asks how are you doing.  I don't think we will ever get over worring about our cancer, I think it's normal.  I also have to say this is why these cancer forums are so great for me, everyone understands and helps each other. I am so thankful for the two cancer forums I'm with.

FireKracker

Hi Laura

I am with you on this one....a very sensitive subject....It will be 2 yrs.since i was diag.with b/c too.Non of my friends want to hear it anymore.my family think just because im NED Im fine.No I am not fine and I will never be fine again....Our lives changed forever and no one understands EXCEPT a person who walked in our shoes.The sistas here!!!!!.I have 1 friend who is a 26 yr.cancer survivor and she is the only one i can talk to.Come her often...and go on many threads.the sistas are wonderful...someone is on here 24/7 and will always listen to you....

You are not alone...sending you a big huggggggggg.K

MariannaLaFrance

No one knows how they'll react until they are placed in front of a doctor telling them they have cancer. No matter how small the cancer is, it changes you. You'll always be looking over your shoulder.  So it's changed you. In some ways, change can be good. You might be more aware, you might live a little harder, with a little more intensity. But you will still ALWAYS be on the alert for the rest of your life.

Now that said, since you now have NOTHING TO FEAR, because you've had to beat the b*otch that is cancer, tell your friends and family that they can't possibly know what it's like. And then, stuff in your earplugs and don't listen to a thing they say in response.  Just vent it, get it out there and let them know how you feel.  No arguments, no B.S. about it.

Now, as for the anxiety, I am going to share something with you. PLEASE stop worrying as much as you possibly can. Anxiety and stress age your body and its cells faster than a lot of things, so keep the perspective that you have one, short life to live and that you have to face your fears every single day with grace and dignity. I used to get panic attacks and have managed to get them pared down..... only had one this year, when I was cycling across a crazy, high bridge in WA state, going speeds up to 30 MPH, headed into oncoming traffic. Yep, had a panic attack and hit my brakes. Lucky for me, my BFF was with me, and she talked me down the rest of the bridge.

Let go of the anger, because they really, truly DON'T UNDERSTAND. It sucks that we have to face this, but we're stuck with it.

CoolBreeze

I'll be a contrary view.  I admit I don't know you but yes, I think after two years, you should start to move on.  I only wish I could.

If your friends are telling you this, there might be a reason for it- maybe you are dwelling.  I hope you know I understand your nervousness and anxiety,  but sometimes I think people who have had cancer have a hard time switching gears from sick person to well person, and it's important to do that.  In ten years are you still going to be in cancer-mode and feeling anxiety?  In twenty?  I hope not, because those will be wasted years.  Part of recovery is moving on.  You are healthy now, and it's time to consider moving beyond cancer.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} 

laura347

Okay, so I posted this and left to put fresh sheets on my bed, in hopes that in a few minutes some of you, (you guys) would respond...you have no idea how I have needed to be validated. I am 47 now and my only friend who had breast cancer is now gone..she was 40. There are times now that she pops into my head. I think one thing I have learned is that I cannot judge people, I am not in their moccasins. I am not a perfect person still working. I just wish others would share my thoughts. I have connected to 2 beautiful other people here  with similar diagnosis. But, I always am learning and looking for all of you who share my journey. Thankyou xoxo Laura And Mairanna,. I work everyday to fend off anxiety, I have 2 boys and  a husband who is dear..I will keep working.

laura347

Actually coolbreeze, I hardly ever speak of it, it is almost like my statute of limitations are over..I cannot explain it.

laura347

Okay to be more frank,"I HATE THIS CRAP!"

Hauntie

Laura - I'm 17+ years out with NED. It took a long time before the fear and anxiety subsided. For years I took a xanax before every mammo, anxiously awaited the results of every blood test, thought with every ache or pain that the cancer was back. The more times the mammo is ok and the aches and pains turn out to be nothing, the more the fear subsides. I'm actually having a PMX, on my remaining breast, this month. My initial reason was because I'm just sick and tired of the asymmetry. But, I also have to admit that there will be some relief in knowing that I've reduced my chances of getting a new primary as much as possible.

bcincolorado

Wow!  What a great inspiration that there is hope on the other side.  My mamo is coming up in a few weeks and of course the worrying is already there.  Thank you for sharing!

Racy

Laura347, I understand where you are at. I have been able to put it out of my mind somewhat with the help of psych therapy and anxiety medication. I would recommend these avenues if you haven't explored them. It helps to share your anxieties with an independent professional, ideally one who specialises in cancer, and you can learn techniques to help you better manage upsetting thoughts and feelings.



I probably won't ever get over it but I need to carry on my life without being in constant emotional pain. For all I know, hopefully I will never have to deal with this again. Statistically, my odds are good this will be the case.



Ps I only finished rads 3 weeks ago.



Best to you.

Kyta

I'm almost 2 years from diagnosis. I think we'll always have some anxiety….that's probably pretty normal Laura. As long as it doesn't consume us. 

laura347

Yes! A great post and bc co..I am also here in co..p.m. if you wish, just curious where you did all your stuff..Like my husband will always say, have a little faith...you will be okay on your mammo:) xoLaura

sandy115

It does get better with time i had cervical cancer 16 yeras ago after the 1st 5 years hardly thought about it.Just had my 1st Chemo treatment with the breast cancer some how seem more scared this time.I ahve a sister who told me she wasnt interested in hearing me be upset all the time  has only visited once lives 5 min away and we were also best friends up untill 3 months ago.We dont need to be around these people just surround yourself with the supportive people in your life.This site is wonderful noone knows what you are going through unless they have had Cancer themselves.

Leah_S

Laura, if any "friend" starts with the "get over it" stuff, you can tell them something I read on one of the threads here:

"Once you have heard the word 'cancer' with you name in the same sentence you are never the same".

Leah

debbie6122

Laura- That must be hurtful knowing your friend/friends are not there for you, I went through the same thing, a friend whom i have known for 20 years never even called me going through my tx- I was so hurt, she later told me that she cryed about it alot and didnt know what to say to me, but for your firend or any one for that matter to tell you to "Get over it" isnt much of a friend.

I get what coolbreeze said and agree with her, but you still cant help the fact that everytime there is an ache or pain we get scared. I dont dwell on my bc like i use to, i just try to enjoy life and not think about it- You are right though in saying " I hate this crap" it sucks but dont let it consume you. Maybe next time your friend comes over you can show her the Angles list, she might be more understanding. ((((((hugs))))))) and hang in there!

Debbie

Thatgirl

Someone with cancer told me "People don't change because you have cancer". I didn't know what she meant at first but now I do. I have lost a few so called friends and now I see who people really are.

FireKracker

Once you have heard cancer and your name in the same sentence you are never the same....WOW Leah...how true.People who never heard it will never ever get it.

mrsnjband

You are definitely not alone.  Once you have the big "C" around, you are never the same.  Hubby & I have both been there.  

You are not alone in the anxiety catagory either.  I was about 1.5 years out when I had to start taking lexapro.  It made a world of difference for me.  I'm 3.5 years out and check-up time is always nerve racking.

So hang in there, you are not alone! NJ 

laura347

Thanks NJ, so much! You know it is funny people act as if you don't really know what you are doing ...like of course  I don't want to be anxious, of course I don't want to over stay my welcome when it comes to cancer subject duh! I think people just always want to fix and not listen...I think listening is an art..and so far, the only one who will listen to a fault is my husband. My rock. I just hope when the time comes for me to listen I will remember the feeling. I am sorry you are both dealing with this crap and it is CRAP  and Thankyou, now I know I am not alone. Laura

laura347

no doubt grannydukes!

sheila888

laura...Those well meaning people believe if C word is not discussed they will never get it.

They are more afraid for themselves.

laura347

Oh and don't you know it...it is truly amazing..I am sorry but this thread kinda reminds of the one where people discussed like maybe why I got it...you know like I caused it...mmh...ever heard whisperings of that one?

jammies

I'm only 2 months out of DCIS diagnosis with a BMX 3 wks ago...but how about this interesting twist on the "friends" issue:

I don't feel like I can vent/cry to anyone too much b/c although they are VERY sympathetic, I can tell they don't really want to have you unload EVERYTHING on them b/c they aren't equipped to fully understand it.  And I think they are hoping you'll just be super brave through it all.

 I am brave and positive most of the time, but I wish I felt I could just purge my emotions to some people other than myself.  Just crying on someone's shoulder should help, right.  I wouldn't even want them to give me advice other than hug me and say there's light at the end of the tunnel.  Maybe I'm too worried about what they'll think of me if I vent.

Thoughts?  Similar experiences?  Thanks dear sisters! 

laura347

My whole reason for starting this thread was because if I didn't I might EXPLODE..I really don't feel that I can unload on any one of my friends...not really. I am just not the same person. I have been enjoying a lot of my own company and family, my boys keep me pretty busy, but really no "sex in the city" type relationships for me...you know the kind "No matter what your friends will always be there..maybe it does not exist, maybe I made bad choices in friends...ugh

susan_02143

Laura,

I am so sorry that you are still consumed by such anxiety after 2 years. A very tragic event in my life has taught me that we all have our own healing timeline. There is no rule about how long it will take. And you will take whatever time you need.

However, that doesn't mean that you don't also need to talk to someone. Sometimes our friends actually can see things that we can't. And sometimes they are full of crap! Only you can look at your core and decide what is happening there.

I will say that during my "NED" period, I did find a whole new group of friends; friends that don't know that I ever had cancer. Though these people are primarily colleagues in a niche programming language, there is a lot of socializing. You know.... it is wonderful to spend time with people who just know me as I am currently. They don't compare to the old me. They just like the me that I am now. They don't know that I go home exhausted, or that I need to nap at 1 every day. You might try this.... it is a real jumpstart to finding a normal.

Be well,

*susan* 

laura347

Susan it's funny I have always gotten such a giggle about the hair thing that you post..like I said I do a lot of lurking! Thank you for your post, you are very positive and have good ideas to meet others..be well my friend, Laura

mdg

People don't realize that there is NO cure.  They think that once you go through treatment you are fine.  Well maybe at that moment physically there is no cancer, but it could come back.  I am stage 1 and no one has ever used the word "cureable" with me...just "treatable".  That is something that is really hard to live with.  People don't get it.  I plan to start counseling to help me with learning how to not think about it all the time.  I don't know what I would do without the understanding and support of the fine ladies on this site.

laura347

Hi mdg, you sound like you have a sweet life! It is so cute the story of you and your boy playing wii and good cooking and of course that good wine! Keep enjoying and be positive. Thankyou for posting and have a great vaca!

Laura

laura347

Hi mdg, you sound like you have a sweet life! It is so cute the story of you and your boy playing wii and good cooking and of course that good wine! Keep enjoying and be positive. Thankyou for posting and have a great vaca!

Laura