Desperately in need of an attitude adjustment

Laurie09

So, I recently took a job that required a move out of state.  It's a really good career opportunity for me and I had a really hard time making the decision to take this job, but ultimately realized if I didn't do it, I would always regret it.  I talked at length with my parents and immediate family about this decision before I accepted the job.   

I moved about 2 weeks ago and am getting settled into my new home and just started work and so far everything is going well.  

This weekend I am going home to do the Tri for a Cure which I had signed up for before I accepted the job.   I am totally psyched about the Tri.  

The night before the Tri, there is a barbecue at my parents house... for me because I'm moving... My mother asked me a few weeks ago about "having a party for me".  I told her that I didn't want a party or anything like that.  She didn't seem happy about that, so finally, I suggested that we have a summer family gathering and that I would be there, but I didn't want it to be about me. I expressed to her about how I really didn't want to be the center of attention, still having feelings of guilt about leaving my family, etc.  So a week later, my Dad sends out an e-mail to everyone in our family and extended family... everyone locally and across the country got this e-mail. The e-mail was an invitation to everyone to come to "a final barbecue before Laurie leaves the state".  Now, there are 19 people coming to this barbecue. 

The majority of our family lives in the same state and will never leave, so many of them don't understand why I would be making this move.  I've already gotten attitude from my brother and sister in law and my sister in laws mother.  I feel like they think I'm falling off the face of the earth.  

I am feeling terrible.  I don't want to go to this barbecue at all.  I do still have a lot of feelings of guilt about leaving and I know many people in my family will not understand.  

In the whole scheme of things, it's just a few hours I have to get through, but I am dreading it and I'm having trouble changing my attitude about it.  It's also taking away from my excitement about the Tri...

Bah humbug...  Someone kick me in the arse and tell me to buck up. 

Laurie09

sorry about the typo in the title... I don't know how to fix it. :P

Enjoyful

Buck up, lady!  ;-)  Paste a smile on your face and go through the motions, even though it's not what you wanted.  It's obviously important for your family so go ahead and give them a few hours.

Hugs to you, I know you can do it!

Laurie09

Thanks!   I know you're right - I just need to suck it up and get through it. 

It doesn't help that I am PMSing like crazy right now so everything is making me FOUL!!!  I really hope it is better by tomorrow.   

LuvRVing

Laurie - Good for you, for taking charge of your life and doing what makes sense for you.  It's unfortunate that your family did not respect your wishes about the final bbq (because in truth, there will be others!) but you will go with a smile on your face.  And you will remind all those family members who are giving you grief that there are plane rides, phone calls including video chatting, a new place for them to visit, and on and on.  It's not like the "old days" where keeping in touch was so much harder!

We just did the opposite...we moved back to family after 17 years of living in the middle of the country and we are now within 45 minutes of all our children and grandchildren.  We left our social life with lots of friends behind but with the same farewell words - we are not that far away and you have a room at our house any time you want to come and visit. 

Enjoy your weekend, enjoy the bbq, and enjoy the Tri!

Michelle

Enjoyful

Oh jeez....PMS on top of everything?  Revised advice:  Stuff yourself with Snickers, paste a chocolate-coated smile on your face, and go through the motions.  :-) 

Someone's bound to make some snarky comments at the BBQ but try not to engage even though it's difficult.  Just think of Snickers and float away on a chocolatey cloud.  (Can you tell that I had Snickers for dinner?)

Hugs!

E

NativeMainer

You'll be fine, Laurie.  A tip for you--think of the questions or comments your family members are likely to make and come up with some easy, short, vague comeback lines.  Then USE them at teh BBQ!  Some examples that come to my mind:

Why are you leaving (the state, home, your family)?  "The opportunity is too good to pass up." 

Won't you miss your family?  "Of course I will." 

Then why don't you stay?  "It's too good an opportunity to pass up."  

What if there's an emergency?  "Then I'll come home."  

 The key is short, no details to get dragged into a longer conversation, and to act like your family's questions have all been hashed out already, that the move is a done deal, and you are happy with it.  It'll get repetative, but it will avoid arguments and guilt trips.  The most important line to have handy is "Excuse me, I need to get more (food, drink, whatever)." and walk off.  

Laurie09

Thanks all for the support and for listening to me whine.   It helps to get it off my chest. 

I definitely think chocolate is in order...

NativeMainer, those are all great suggestions!  I need to make flash cards!

otter

Laurie, this is just MHO, but I think it's likely that your family is proud of you, and worried about you, and maybe even a bit curious about your decision to move away from "home" when none of them chose that path.

You know why you are doing this.  You explained it very well at the start of your O.P.  So, practice some ways to explain it to family members and friends who will undoubtedly be asking you, "Why on earth would you do this?".  And also practice some responses to those inevitable questions about what you'll do when you get homesick, or what you'll do when you eventually regret this decision you've made.  There might even be some people who are crass enough to ask how you're going to take care of your parents when they grow old, if you're so far away.

You can do this (the barbecue thing).  It isn't what you planned or wanted; but it appears to be something your parents want to do for you. So, let them have their evening to celebrate your new adventure.  (See paragraph #1 for why I think this is important to them.)

I moved away from "home" when I finished college.  I'm living more than a thousand miles from where I grew up and where the rest of my family still lives.  My mom had a very hard time with my move, although back then she acted as if she was proud of me.  It took her years, though, to finally accept that my move was permanent -- I was not planning to return to my home state to live.  Several times she actually said, "Well, when you move back home...".   I would tell her, "Mom, I'm not moving back.  This is my job -- my career -- and this is where I live now."

I kind of wish my parents had offered to hold a back-yard barbecue to celebrate my move and my new job.  I was really excited and happy about it -- it was the type of job I'd always dreamed about, and I was looking forward to moving to a part of the U.S. I'd never seen.  I wish I'd had a chance to explain to family members why this was going to be such a good thing.

You can do this!  Hugs from a fellow expatriate.

otter

Claire_in_Seattle

Laurie.....congrats on the new gig!!!  That is where your focus needs to be right now.

I second NMs advice, but I would make sure I added how psyched I was about the opportunity and how well things are already going.  So reinforce how you already know it was the right decision.

PMS as you get older is the pits.  One of those little things in life I don't at all miss.  The chocolate advice is spot on.  A walk and nap might help too.

So that your smile is dazzling.  BTW - a new lipstick might amp up the smile, so something else to treat yourself to.

Go have fun now, and major, major congrats on the new gig/new life. - Claire

Laurie09

Thanks for the congrats and the support.  I am feeling better about this weekend and am getting really excited about the Triathlon! 

mrsnjband

I know you don't want the attention on you, but your family obviously loves you. So hang in there you can do it! Everyone has given you great advice, love the short one liners.  

kathleen1966

They all love you very much and are very worried about you. But as you have already been kind enough to include them in your decision to move, you should not feel guilty about your choice. It's good that you are living your life in this way now.  Everyone wants to support you and what better way to do it than with a barbecue!  Consider yourself blessed to have all this love and support.  So buck up and enjoy it and any anger/irritation you may "collect" at the event, you can mentally dispose of through the Triathlon the next day !  Three cheers to your new adventure! 

anonymice

Laurie, it's just where you're from I think - folks around here are like that, too.  Many of my family and friends just can't fathom leaving the area - although I did for 15 years.

Will "passive resistance" work?  As in go to the picnic, smile and be gracious, if someone something about you going just say that you're 'very excited about your new job but you sure will miss the people here at home'! (And then ask them something about themselves...)  Don't argue, say "you may be right" if they point out negatives....that kind of thing.  It keeps you occupied at least - striving for "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" status.

They're only being annoying out of love.