A different perspective on losing your hair

Hauntie

Recently, I've been looking through papers, notes, clippings, etc., that I've kept during my journey through breast cancer. I remember that I thought losing my hair (thick, waist length, chestnut brown, french braid) was almost as hearbreaking and painful as losing my breast. My brother, George and my sister-in-law, Michele wrote this for me to help me put it all in perspective. I thought it might help others currently going through this painful part of the journey.

Ten Good Things About Temporary Hair Loss

10. Your drains won't clog.
  9. No one will know you're going gray.
  8. Money saved on shampoo, brushes, and elastics can be used for the slot machines.
  7. You can get an all over tan.
  6. There's no place for bats to land.
  5. You can sell it to Hair Club for Men (see reason 8).
  4. You can get a much better phrenology reading.
  3. You can make it through airports unaccosted by Hari Krishnas, because they'll think you're one of them.
  2. It will grow back.
  1. Nicholas will know his Auntie Lynda because of big hugs, rather than old photographs.

Nicholas is my nephew, my only God child. He was 10 months old when I was diagnosed. He starts his senior year in high school this fall. He and his brother Tom and cousins Jason, Lauren, Tyler, Olivia and Rowan are the lights of my life.

P.S. My hair grew back curly and such a lovely combination of dark and gray that clients of my hairdresser want to know if she can dye their hair this color.

Oh, and that beautiful braid - it stayed in a little box in my closet for a long, long time. On the 10th anniversary of my diagnosis, I donated it to Locks of Love.

pejkug3

I love this.  Thank you for posting.

NHsmiles

Beautiful post.

Hugs,

Heather 

Hauntie

I forgot to mention, my user name, "Hauntie" was given to me by Nicholas. Until he was about 4, that's the way he used to say "Auntie". I miss hearing it. Those little boy days went by so fast. I'm so grateful, I was here to be a part of them and all the days to come.

Lynda

Letlet

#1 was the best thing I've read so far this morning! Thank you for posting.

ellenquilt

This was lovely! Thanks so much for sharing.  I believe a healthy sense of humor is a powerful weapon against cancer.

Lena

I'm sorry I can't really appreciate this Hauntie, but I MISSED the clogged drains and long hair maintenance and I completely HATED EVERYTHING about being bald, and detested the short hair equally bad. Even now I am sometimes embarrassed by the sight of my too-short hair. Losing BOTH of my breasts was WAY easier than losing my hair! Longest part now is at top of the shoulder length -- I'm 2 years PFC -- and AFAIK it can't get back down to my waist fast ENOUGH. 

Hauntie

Lena - I was just about to turn 40 when I was diagnosed. I had had long hair for 20+ years. When I first lost my hair, I felt the same as you. I've looked back in my old journals. I had written stuff like "if I could save my hair by doing twice as much chemo, I would." Having my braid cut off (on my 40th birthday) was like an amputation. I can still hear the scissors sawing through it. But, I was amazed at how much I liked my new short hair cut. I had my hair cut at the same place where I got my wig and they made sure the wig looked like the new haircut. Even though I liked the haircut - I hated the wig. 2 weeks later, my hair started falling out - another round of grief. When it finally started growing back, it was very curly. My hair had some curl before, but not like this. I couldn't go back to my new short haircut - more disappointment. It took a long while to stop grieving the loss of my beautiful mane of hair. That's probably why I kept my braid in a box in my closet for so long. On occasion, I would take it out of the box and sob, even years later. When I reread my journal entries, I couldn't believe that I was the one who wrote them. Time does heal - maybe not all wounds, but it certainly healed this one for me. I hope your hair grows back, the way you want it to and as quickly as possible.

Lena

Hauntie I'm so glad you were able to get used to it. I had a wig too, which I started wearing as soon as I got it. Since I didn't want the mess of hair falling out all over my apartment like shedding sheepdog, and I knew I'd be losing my hair anyway, like you I did get a haircut (up to neck length) a week before first chemo, and then had the rest buzzed a few days after my first infusion (I could NOT go from almost waist length directly to GI Jane). However, I hated the "only to my neck" haircut -- I felt like I went from ugly (that cut) to completely hideous (buzz then bald during chemo) and back to ugly (short hair once growback started a few weeks PFC). I hate hats and can't tie scarves (left hand is partially paralyzed) so I got a wig of course. The good news: I found a really excellent wig which was the same exact color as my own hair (medium chestnut brown), and was ALMOST as long too (halfway down my back). It was GORGEOUS, I actually looked like ME while I wore it -- maybe even better, since strangers would compliment "my" beautiful hair when I was out and about with that wig on, but that hadn't happened for the last 5-10 years of having my REAL long hair (even though *I* liked my real long hair just fine!). I wore that wig for over a year (April 2009 through May 2010) -- hell, I wouldn't even open the door to my apartment without it on...even just to go down to the lobby to get the mail when no one was around. The bad news -- even though this wig looked terrific on me, it was not especially comfortable to wear (mostly due to the chemo, then hormone treatment hot flashes), so I could ONLY stand to wear it if I was going out or opening the door for pharmacy delivery etc. Meaning I had to go short haired, bald, then short haired again indoors, AND, it was always a wrestling match for me to put it on correctly. I stopped wearing it on account of an early heat wave -- physically just couldn't do both hot flashes and 95-100 degrees outside anymore, and resigned myself to the fact that I'd lost what was left of my looks. Mostly anyway -- I just couldn't make the entire "I'm an ugly old lady now, it was gonna happen anyway if I lived long enough" transition. I was 47 when diagnosed, I just turned 50 this past June.

Anyhoo, in late winter/early spring of THIS year, I think, I tried on that wig on again because I had lost 25 of the 30 pounds I'd set out to lose (and did plus another 5 for good measure!) and just wanted to feel pretty, just once, it had been so long.....so I put the wig on. OMG I was GORGEOUS -- slender and long haired! I looked so good I was instantly sorry I had stopped wearing the wig and hadn't had more patience for the wrestling matches and other discomforts. But of course it's too late now. Everyone who knows me knows what I really look like, so now there's no point in bothering. I just have to tolerate the way it is, and, yes, keep on hoping my hair will grow back to where it was before this nightmare started. 

I still have my old "amputated" ponytail...and can't look at it without a tear fest, so I know how THAT feels. But I can't make myself get rid of it either.

Hauntie

Lena - I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with losing your hair. I think I was on my way to being ready to let my long hair go when I had to cut it off. It took 10 years before I could let my braid go. If you ever decide to do it, send it to Locks of Love. They use the hair to make wigs for children going through chemo or with alopecia.

I thought I would never stop wearing my wig until my hair was exactly the way the wig looked. But, I hated wearing it. I used to go in my office and close my door to get a break from it at work. I took it off one hot day at work, when I just couldn't stand it anymore. The next day I came in wigless. People in other offices commented on my new short summer haircut. The thing that really pissed me off, during the whole thing, was people complaining about bad haircuts. I'd say -"Do you want to see a really bad haircut?" and make a move to pull off my wig.

I know women who played around with wigs - different styles, different colors - while waiting for their hair to grow in. I say if you want to wear your wig, do it. So what if people know what your real hair looks like. Or how about hair extensions to hurry the process up. My niece is a hair dresser and they seem to be more of a fashion statement these days. People just show up with their hair suddently inches longer than it was. Do what ever makes you feel best. You may get a few comments at first, but probably more complements than anything else.

Take care.

Lena

Actually I don't think I'll be getting rid of the old ponytail. I'll probably have it cremated with me.

Nope, not going back to the wig now that everyone knows what I really look like -- the thought of it makes me feel extremely foolish -- as in who the hell am I kidding. And, I can't afford any of that expensive fancy hair stuff anyway, so that's out too. Thanks anyway though.

Leah_S

Lena, I say go for the wig! So what if people know? You'd be surprised at how they forget things - at first you'll get comments but then after a while that will fade away.

If you look good in it, why not? If you enjoy it, why not? There's little enough to enjoy in this bc thing as it is.

Leah

SheriA

Losing your hair is very tough. After being bald for almost 3 moths now my daughter and hubby said it will be weird seeing me with hair. Thay are so used to it. I have a 7 month old granddaughter right now and she only knows me as being bald. When I have a hat on she always wants to pull it off. I have one picture of me being bald and it is with her. I cant wait for it to grow back. I have 8 more treatments of Taxol. Eyebrows are getting thinner.

lago

I used to spend about 25-30 minutes doing my hair between drying, flattening iron etc. When I was bald it took just a few minutes to tie my scarf ( and a little longer to pick which one to wear). I never buzzed my head when it started to fall out but did cut it short.

Now that my hair is growing back I have my hair stylist buzz the back and sides. Yes I am keeping it short. It takes me 5 minutes to dry my hair. Not sure if I would have ever cut it this short if it didn't fall out. Oh and my hair dresser charges 1/2 to color and cut my hair now. He says less product and he doesn't really dry it for more than 5 minutes.