Really Bad Behavior......Hope karma is real

misswim

I returned to work today after recouping from my bmx. In the month between diagnosis and surgery, I was a complete wreck. I defnatley let things go at work and knew going back there would be some dicussion. Luckily, I have kind boss who told me a talk was coming but that he was totally understandng and just to take it for what it is, and use my time there more wisely now that I am on my treatment path (mind you, I am 37, when I was dx'd I was scared shitless, and you bet I spent more time researching the beast in my body I knew nothing about than working). I figured I'd get a five minute break to digest all this and I was wrong. The office manager on the war path hit me with her list of things that I did wrong in the weeks before "my personal problem". I was stunned, but funny, not hurt. It reminded me that it's a job, the place that pays my medical insurance, and that is all it is. So that is what it will be. Go in, do my job, and leave. No more worrying about it when I am not there. What I was dissapointed in is that this woman has a husband who was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer last year; and she is a brain cancer survivor. So how in the world do you show ZERO compassion when you know just where I have been? That is just a bad person...... Has anyone ever encountered this treatment?

CameoBarbie

I don't know what I could say to dismiss such behavior, but this world is made up of two kinds of people, those that are totally self-absorbed(which she obviously is) and those that try to reach out and help each other.  Self-serving is far more prevalent. Sorry you even had to deal with such selfishness.  I don't think she is trying to put you on a path that is beneficial -  if you follow her whim, your serving her.  That is a sorry excuse for a human.  Maybe her brain was removed, and she forgot she had a heart.

CoolBreeze

I guess I don't understand your post.  What did you do or not do?

You said you let things go for a month - does that mean other people had to pick up your slack?  Did it cost the company money?  A month is a long time to let things go, but I don't know what your job is.

I am not on the side of the company,  but I do believe when you have a job you need to do it.  And, if you can't, then you need to take time off.   I don't do my googling on the job, I do it at home. In fact, I have found that concentrating on my job has helped me cope with all this, espeically right now that I'm facing mets.  When I was first diagnosed, of course, I did spend half a day trying to sort it out because my doctor called me in the morning at work with the news.  But after that I didn't use company resources.

Anyway, maybe I'm misunderstanding your post.  And, I hope you are feeling better now!.

misswim

There was a definate message that I knew I would receive. I work in a transactional law office so many things were in flux,- and I have a boss who relies heavily on me for support- all types. I didn't spend a month googling at work, but I did do more than is allowed. I am all for constructive criticism, and I found myself plowing through work  because it takes my mind off of my treatments coming up today. I worked like a dog. There was no temp help in my absence, so that was hard on other staff. Like I said, I was not upset by the message, that was fair. The delivery SUCKED.

Feeling better, yes. Just had to vent. I think that there is compassion that can be shown at all times, even the tough ones....this chick just doesn't have an ounce of it.

cathmg

Hi misswim,

I am sorry that people in your workplace lack compassion and human feeling. I was actually laid off during chemo, but that turned out to be a blessing in disguise-I have since found a better job. Sounds like your office manager could use a class in nonviolent communication...

Maybe update your resume and be ready to move if need be.

Best,

Catherine 

DiDel

Well it sounds like you have the right attitude. Yes work slacked but more importantly you are taking care of yourself...and recovering well. I think I would have given a little sarcastic..I'm well thanks for asking.

I fortunately work for myself and had money saved so I was able to take off at the time of diagnosis when the rollercoaster ride began. ALthough, I went through chemo at my busiest time of year. I was very upfront with my big clients and they were beyond compassionate.I've known them for 20yrs so it was a relief. I cant imagine how you felt all stressed out about returning to work...you poor thing!! Here's to you for making it through the worst part...and surviving the week at work!!

Hang in there!

Diane 

misswim

Thanks ladies. I love my job. I apologized to my other co-workers who could not have been kinder. It was this one person who just really upset me. I have shown alot of compassion to her in her times of need and to not get it back feels like a giant slap.

 Lesson learned.

CoolBreeze

I am sorry that I missed the point of your first post.  Yes, it is too bad she was so uncompassionate.  I can't understand it either, considering her experience.  I just hope you don't take it too seriously - sounds like your coworkers understand.

1Athena1

misswim,

Funnily, I find that the least compassion usually comes from people who have been through similar things as you ("one"). I say that, unfortunately, because I am guilty of such feelings, although I have never acted on them.

You see, I had stage II cancer and I have a colleague who had DCIS. She had a single mastectomy and is about to undergo exchange surgery on one breast with a reduction in the other. I had a BMX and exchange surgery. I have had six surgeries in all because of the cancer and reconstruction. Each time, I have taken two days off from work. In contrast, my colleague has taken two weeks off from work for each of her surgeries. She complains about how scared she is and how she hates needles and how it all hurts. I am guilty of feeling contempt. I think that, because I have gone through some of the same things, that anyone who convalesced for MORE time than I did or complained of MORE pain than I did is weak.

And so it is that your colleague has probably been somewhat hardened by her own exposure to cancer. It is sad to see how much we project and how selfish we can be. For that matter, other women are able to tolerate five years of Tamoxifen with no problem. I barely survived 18 months. Thank God there is always something to teach one humility.

I suppose the moral of the story is that one cannot expect compassion from people simply because, on a superficial level, they have endured a similar experience. If there is one thing this board teaches me it is how little we BC patients really have in common. And how misleading it can be to compare oneself with others based on superficial specifications such as diagnoses. Perhaps this is because we are a product not of WHAT happens to us but of who we are when it happens. 

Emaline

I'm afraid of the same thing. It is not that I slacked of for work, but I had to miss time due to all the dang appointments, which was covered by FMLA but it put me behind. Then I had to train not one, but three people on doing my job, so that took me away from doing me regular duties and put me further behind.  Then before I left , I had to cover all the things that all my bosses wanted me to get done, but that put me behind in other things.  Sigh. 

I don't think I am going to be in trouble but I am worried about how far behind I am going to be due to all of this and that I will get in trouble for not getting caught up in time.

misswim

I agree. I think perhaps it is a defense mechanism. Her husband is in a terrible situation where treatment was basically limited to surgery and they play a waiting game. I am a Stage 2A, no nodes, and I have a favorable prognosis. I knew nothing about the staging until after surgery and I was terrified prior. Knowing that I have knowledge now, I am being followed, it is much easier to walk in and make work about work and frankly, it felt good to work hard today and take my mind off everything else.

I am a person who would show compassion no matter what.....and I guess I just can't take that from other people.

voraciousreader

You must come over to the bonfire of the goddesses thread. We throw all kinds of things into the fire and then voila!! We feel so much better. Come on down.. There's marshmallows and popcorn and volleyball and boy toys and I even planted a garden on the way down. We even have a wheelbarrel if you can't carry it by yourself. And did I tell you that once you sit down by the fire, the embers will warm you and you can lean on us because those flames are magical. Come on over to the bonfire of goddesses and start feeling better!

Titan

missswim..I totally understand where you are coming from..sometimes it is so hard..1)..You are dealing with surgery/chemo/rads..whatever..and still trying to work..not just work but getting it right...2)..Your company is in business to make $$$$...you know the bottom line.

So the question is..can you do your work..and can the company still make $$$ with you there..maybe not at your best...very tough situation.

I think my company cut me some slack when I was doing chemo..I worked during chemo but not sure if my work was very adequate during that time....

All in all..some companies talk about compassion but when it comes down to it do they really follow through?  I just try to downplay my cancer and be the best I can...

Good luck to you...I know you really don't want to play the BC card and you want to work and be the same..knowing that this is NOT your fault (or your company's either)...

Guess I really didn't help...just want you to know that it is very hard sometime to concentrate on work when you are trying to get through treatment...hopefully it will all work out.

Claire_in_Seattle

Misswim,

First of all, I am sorry that you got blasted today.  I can also understand why you made mistakes when you were distracted prior to treatment.  Congrats on getting through, and being able to return to work.

However, I do understand why your office manager was concerned even though I do think she could have cut you some slack.  I don't know how serious the errors you made were, but let's assume something got to a client and was unacceptable.  You had to be told this, and you do need to fix it.  I am assuming it was not just one error.

In your shoes, I would tread carefully and triple-check any work.  You can't make errors.  I made some errors for my client during AC chemo, and even though I was shaking from the effects of treatment and wanted more than anything to lie down and sleep, I corrected them.  All was well, but I had to admit that I made them and fix whatever was wrong.

What I am saying is that even though employees go through tough times, it doesn't mean they can do sloppy work.  It has to be right.  I think the office manager got caught and something went wrong.  I also suspect she took major heat for it.

If this is the case, I can understand why she was stern with you as opposed to understanding.

I am sorry if I come off being a hard-nose here.  But I thought I owed you the other side of the story as I have managed people.  Fortunately, not that hard to fix.

Just get off on the right foot and triple-check everything.  Make sure anything you do is right and what is needed.  You should be fine.

But so sorry your first day back had to go this way.  Good luck. - Claire

misswim

I absolutley understand the message. I didn't expect slack. But I didn't expect to be kicked in the teeth after an hour back. And believe me, I quadruple checked it all and will continue to do so. Just a very rough welcome back.

CoolBreeze

Athena, that was a very insightful post.   I hadn't looked at it quite that way but it did strike a cord with me.

I have worked daily with a cancer diagnosis for two years, and some pretty bad pain, and colleagues of mine call in sick for bruises, literally, and will tell me how awful it is over the phone. I don't feel contempt for them but I have wondered why they are so weak and what they would do if they go my diagnosis.  

When they complain to me about their aches I always keep in mind that the worst thing that ever happened to somebody is the worst thing that ever happened to them and they can't know what it feels like to be me. I do approach them with compassion and try not to compare.  It does cross my mind but I don't allow it to go further.

So, I guess I'm weak in a way too. 

mdg

I am speechless...that's terrible. You do have the right attitude though...work is just that, work.  Once it's done, no worrying about it.....you think she would have known better.  Didn't you want to ask her "didn't you learn anything from cancer?"

Laurie08

I for one am sorry that after one hour back, you were treated with such negativity.  Especially from some one who has dealt with their own hardships to have no understanding for what you were/are going through.

I am a self employed book keeper.  On 12/7/09 I gave birth to my second son, via c section and never missed a day of work.  I was diagnosed in April of 2010 and had a BMX on 6/30/10.  I never missed a day of work.  In January when I went to have my exchange surgery I told my major client (60% of my income) that I had a quick day surgery happening on a Monday, I work for them on Thursdays and Fridays, it shouldn't effect them etc.  He said to me, "another surgery?"  Yes, a quick one, no big deal.  "I don't think this is going to work, with all this cancer sh!t and you."  huh?  But, in the last year I had baby, was diagnosed, had a BMX and I never missed a day, I did your books IN the hospital? Yha...but with knowing what I know now...about your health...two kids...something is always bound to come up- the cancer will come back...I don't know.  But I'm going to let you go, it;s easier this way.

I worked for them for three years.  I never missed one day of work through having two children to cancer and surgery.  Some people are just jerks.  You are right though- I hope Karma is real.

On to bigger and better things.  Until you can, make like a duck, water off your back.  You can do it!

misswim

Luckily, we had a great sit down, went over things, se apologized, I pumped out work like a maniac, and will continue to do so. Start chemo on July 15, so we talked about that , and they are behind me all the way. I plan to put in some extra time before that happens and really get it all under control.

Thanks for all of your support!

Claire_in_Seattle

Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So glad you got everything cleared up.  Good luck too with chemo. - Claire

agada

I had a wonderful supervisor who was very understanding and very compassionate about my breast cancer, six surgeries, and PTSD diagnosis.  He moved to research and development and now I am left with a new supervisor who told me that I should not "obsess" over cancer ( I cannot remember her exact quote) and not bring my problems to work.  I do my work, but am bone tired all of the time.  I am glad you got to talk to your problem lady.  I also believe Karma does come around to those that are not kind. My new supervisor is not a tolerant person, too bad.  Too bad she does not see what a disease can do to a person.  I do my work, pull my share of calls, etc.  It is difficult with the PTSD but I manage somehow. Only people with cancer can understand what fear can do to you when you get this disease.  But, cruelty is not acceptable.