How to get help - HELP!

pebee

Now, another issue....

We live about 4 hours from husband family, airplane ride from my family.  In our town there is me, the husband, the daughter (more later) and two boys - one high school, one middle school.  We have friends... but no one close...

So here goes - chemo over, need to work on surgery.  But, we don't have any help.  My husband is doing what he can - but he is now doing it all - cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid schleping, etc.  He is getting burnt by all of the responsbilities and the never ending to do list.  I did what I could - but with surgery coming up, I won't be able to help at all.

We have a daughter in her 20's lives at home.  Has a part time job - not in college and is basically refusing to help.  She is doing the passive-aggressive thing (yes, I will do it - then it is not done). She can't be counted on for driving or housework or anything.  We will deal with her- but not now as the stress is affecting my husband.

So - any suggestions?  I think we need to find help somehow.  I know that my husband is one big ball of stress who can't take more.....

Any thoughts?

DebInTN

pebee:

I think that my best advise would be to adopt the state of mind that some things will just have to be left undone.  We did just fine with no help except for the occasional meal (maybe 3) brought in right after my mastectomy and TRAM flap. My daughter (nursing student) made sure that the dressing changes were done properly and trained my husband very well.  Husband did what he could around the house and I let him do it his way.  After a couple of weeks I refused to be kept down anymore and did a lot, except for lifting. I slept a lot, but when I was awake I always tried to do something even if it was only folding underwear from the laundry.  I realized the first day out of surgery that I couldn't do much and it was unreasonable for me to expect things to be done "my way".  The kids should be able to do most things things for themselves.  If they need to go somewhere, let them ask a friend for a ride. You can repay the favor later on.  People will help if they know there's a need.  No need putting more stress than necessary on any of you.  Good luck to you.  Hope your surgery and recovery goes smoothly.  

vlnrph

I agree with Deb about letting certain things go & having the younger kids step up (easy for me to say with an only child!). 

There is a national group called "Cleaning for a Reason" that works free for folks going thru chemo: if they have a service in your area, they may take you on even if you're officially beyond that phase.

Our church brought dinners for 3 weeks every other night after my surgeries - even some things for our vegetarian son. He is also the 'not too helpful around the house' type but is moving out soon...

My medical center has a Quality of Life program with social workers, etc. I am set up to see a psych nurse again this month there. Call your local American Cancer Society for other ideas? 

edwards750

pebee, I agree with Deb too about just letting some things go but I have to take exception to your 20 year old promising and not delivering on situation. We have a 21 year old at home; male, going to school and he does work a lot of hours esp now in the summertime. Still picking up their clothes, doing laundry, cooking, etc., are things they can do and have done to help. There are however, some things you just cant let go. Husband works long hours so I know he is tired but I think they expect me to be the same as I was pre-BC and that was a lot. I do  yard work as well; like I do 90% of the mowing. All I am saying is I would do all of the above...seek help if you need it; let some things go and light a fire under your daughter. This is a time for the family to pull together and help Mom instead of the other way around. Sometimes kids just dont get it so you have to jump start them. Above all take care of yourself.  diane