Breast Cancer and Marital issues

Kelleymac0

Hello,

I am new to this forum. So glad I have found it. I had a double mastectomy May 18th, 2010 and my last chemo treatment was Sept 3rd, 2010. My second and hopefully last reconstruction surgery was March 28th, 2011. I have had what I thought was an incredible marriage for 17 years. After my last chemo treatment I started sensing things were NOT right. The more my "chemo brain" started to clear and I felt like I had my head on a lot more straight I was able to start really paying attention to the clues that were adding up. Long story short, I discovered that my husband had been regularly viewing porn the entire time I was fighting my battle. Not only that, he was viewing it at times on his phone sitting right next to me and my kids. There are many signs he has had an affair to which he totally denies. 

We have been going to counseling and things seem a bit better but he is not the same person. For 17 years he has treated me like a queen, like I was his everything.  He is TOTALLY different. I at times feel like he doesn't even treat me like a fellow human being. In less than a years time, I have had a double mastectomy, tissue expanders, chemo, two reconstruction surgeries, found out this crap about my husband, and have moved from Texas to Georgia. There are many days where I feel like this is all just too big for me to handle. I know I will be okay in the end but some days it is just incredibly overwhelming. 

Reading other topics about other women whose husbands have left them makes me feel not so alone but this is something I just cannot understand. What are you thoughts?

 

mrsnjband

Sometimes men just can't handle it when their wive's get sick.  I am not excusing them. I am so sorry this has happened to you, you certainly don't deserve to be treated this way.  You are a strong woman to endure what you have been through. NJ 

37antiques

So sorry Kelley!!  Men just don't know how to handle things at all, and when they are in denial, we are the ones who suffer.  They don't know how to express fear, and they don't deal well with sickness.  My husband could not handle my cancer, at all.  So much so that he became an alcoholic during my treatment.  He decided to go to rehab, and instead of focusing on himself found a girlfriend in there, yikes!  Slowly, after a little counseling, he found the words and courage to face his fear.  And I let him know, I am here, I intend to be here, I am going to have a future with or without you!  But I wander...sometimes it is much harder on the loved ones than the self.  When they see us in pain, or losing are hair, they can't understand how we handle it, they don't want to look weak, they don't understand we were not necessarily strong, but just doing what we had to to keep our lives.  I hope everything works out for you, obviously he treated you very well for a long time, so he is having trouble dealing with this rapid change.  I hope counseling will help him through this and you can move on together.

((Hugs))

bcincolorado

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I know know how hard it is to be the "well" one too when one spouse is ill since I have been on that side of life too.  It is hard to see your loved one become a patient and need help when they had been strong and carried a big load in the home.  I know many times it stresses marriages too much and one person cannot handle it.  I hope that counseling will help you get through this.  You obviously had a good marriage for it to last as long as it did.  Don't give up hope yet.

Kelleymac0

Thank you so much for your responses everyone. I knew turning to other survivors was the right thing to do. I just moved from Texas where I had a HUGE network of other survivors, free counseling and al my doctors to the Atlanta, GA area where I don't know anyone!! Well, survivors anyway.  

sespebadger

Hi Kelleymac0,

Just wanted to say that I've been married almost 29 years, and this past year during my treatment was the worst year ever for us. We are doing better finally now that I am feeling better. I bet it is very common. I am hopeful that we'll get through. Keep reaching out to friends and good luck.

hymil

Kelley I want to reach round the world and send you a big hug! Maybe he will be able to throw the stupid  phone in the bin and refocus on the woman in front of him who he promised to love through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, and maybe you will find the grace to choose to forgive him and be able to try again, if he is prepared to change back to the man who loved you so long.

But at the end of the day, you can't make him change so, also do keep on seeking out the survivors, i cannot believe there are none in your new area. Maybe start a thread Seeking survivors in Georgia or something? Support group at your hospital? BC has lots of overwhelming days even without man-trouble, you are doing so well handling so much Kelley, don't give up!

 PS love your avatar, it's a beautiful shot.

hymil

Kelley, I just spotted a member in Atlanta, Journey is her username She might be able to suggest local support. I sent her a message about this thread. Do you know how to send someone a PM message? You click on the hyperlinked name above their avatar and that takes you to their profile and then one of the options is "Send this member a PM" (private message). You have to be logged in to do this. I'm sure there are other members in your area too who would know what's available locally, sometimes it helps to meet face to face. BTW, Welcome to the forum, welcome to the club nobody wanted to join, we are here to help and support each other. Sorry you have to be here. But glad that you found us.

CrazyKitties

Kelly, we are here to support you. You will survivre this and will come out gloriously on top of the world! He doesn't deserve you.