Need encouraging words! Ranting!

kathleen1966

Need encouraging words! Ranting!

kathleen1966

Well I just need some encouraging words!  Not too far out of treatment, still trying to get my energy up and running and my son just broke his femur bone on the playground at school.  Had to have surgery and now he is virtually incapacitated. He has issues with anxiety and today must have needed help getting in and out of bed to go to the bathroom probably over 20 times (83 pounds).  My arm is swelling up and killing me. And my husband will be gone all weekend working.  I have already exhausted all of my friends for help the last year and my family doesn't live here and the parents on both sides are not physically able to assist or not really the helping type. In fact, my father in law came up for the last three days and did nothing but irritate the living sh*t out of me!   Couldn't bring the little one to school, couldn't pick him up, couldn't stay with the older one with the broken leg so I could get the younger one, couldn't handle parking at the hospital when he came to visit our son and turned around, and sat around the house all day doing nothing.  When we finally got the ambulance ride home from the hospital the dirty dishes that were in the sink when the ambulance "came on by" to get me to bring us to the ER were still in the sink. But the father in law did manage to go to the store to get beer for himself.  Urghhhhhh.....It is hard to explain, but my son is a very high needs child to begin with. He has zero coping skills and can be very draining.  He spent most of the time at the hospital screaming and yelling at everyone and I think they may have been happy to finally get rid of him.  All his usual intense personality traits were amplified by the pain and the pain meds.  Every joint in my body is aching at the moment and it is only day one home.  Sorry, I really just needed to rant.  I figured that there are soo many woman on here, that someone will listen to my rant and and I won't have to "burden" friends or family with "more problems". On the good side, I have no time to sit around and worry about my cancer coming back!  I just feel like I can't breath, and was hoping for a care-free summer with lots of kid fun...biking, swimming, good times.  Last summer was ruined by breast cancer. I really wanted this summer to be a good one......

NancyD

I just wanted to let you know that I read your rant, and while I can't identify with all your problems, I definitely relate to the dirty dishes! What is SO difficult about rinsing a plate and putting it in the dishwasher, is what I want to know. OK, carry on...

Celtic_Spirit

I'm sorry. I wish you lived nearby so I could take you out for a drink or a cup of coffee and let you get away from the stress for a while! Instead, I'm sending you good thoughts and a hug.

bak94

Oh, that sounds terrible! I hope you can ask someone usefeul for help, I think most friends would understand the need and be willing to help. You have so much going on., and are so tough! At a time you should be recovering, you are working way too hard, so rant away. We all listen and understand. Hugs to you.

gillyone

Kathleen - rant away. That's what we are here for. I wish we could give you physical help but the best we can do is cyber hugs. We're thinking of you.

AnacortesGirl

The last thing you need is an FIL who only knows how to get to the beer store!  I wish I could help.  It seems like some peace and quiet would do wonders for your sanity.  Unfortunately I don't have any answers.  I hope someone reads this who does have some ideas.

duckyb1

Kathleen............ranting is good, but mostly on here........cause everywhere else,  no one wants to listen to you.

Just a word about your son who you say does not handle things well................I am a much older woman then you I am sure...........A great grandmother 76, with 18 grandchildren all from ages 10 through 28.

Right now my son 45, is going through a difficult time with one of his boys......He is 17, and one of 4 children.......from when this boy was very little I told him he had issues..........of course I was told to be a Grandmother and stop trying to be a Mother and tell him how to raise  his kids...................everyone in the family saw it, and even my son (his father) would joke and say "one day he is going to have a number on his shirt"

He can't handle authority from parent's, teachers, coaches, and anyone wo tells him NO.  What he has put my son through has been horrible..........My son always thought my husband was very hard on my 6 kids.........so I guess he thought he would try to find a better "mouse trap", plus no cooperation from the  Bimbo he married.............(use to like her till she walked out 2 years ago on xmas night(, but then came back, and since has walked out again.......another story.

Anyway my point is to be careful with the boy who you say has anxiety, yelled at people in the hospital, and isn't so easy to get along with...........

2 weeks ago, my grandson kicked out the rongs on the bannister, punched holes in the walls, and started a brawl with his 19 year old brother at 3am in the morning.....when my son tried to break it up he hit my son.....................

Do I feel bad, of course, but I warned my son years ago and finally backed off,and thought "ok I tried"................the other 3 kids are great, and have to deal with this asshole, although he is with his mother now, wherever she is, and I'm hoping they don't come back, but I doubt that..........

Gorgeous home, she drives a Mercedes, and the little goof drives a Jaguar all purchased with my sons hard earned money......Oh well you win some you lose some,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I still have 17 who are fantastic, and all hard working good people

Sad part is this boy was brilliant, and was a fabulous Wrestler.........He won his division in States, and had colleges after him.............His foul beligerant mouth go him kicked off the wrestling team, and now he is out for good, and failing in school.............what a shame.

So don't pass off anxiety, and outbursts as just another thing they will "grow out of", some never do.......hope things get better for you, and you take care of "you"............right now your the important one.

duckyb1

Kathleen, by the way........I spent many Saturday's in Pittsburgh a few years ago......My grandson graduated from Carnagie Mellon University.....he was the QB for the football team, and he took them to the championship...........I was at every game from the very first one he played as a freshman, till his last game........................He now works in Chicago, as as a financial analyst, and is very successful................Those were wonderful years for me..........

Had some great dinners there too..........even rode that trolley thing that goes up the hill, and stood at the bottom and looked out over the "3 Rivers"...............fun times.

37antiques

Kathleen - holy cow!   I agree it sounds like you are getting LE, you need to stop carrying him around.  Maybe push him around in a desk chair or get a little urinal (about $5 at walmart) for when he has to pee.  Go easy on that arm!  And get rid of the father in law, I presume he has a home of his own?  If he's not helping tell him the last thing you need right now is to pick up his beer bottles after him!  And I agree, you should call a resource that can help you, maybe you can find one that will lend you a wheelchair or something for a while, you really can't afford to mess up your arm for life.  If your son has anxiety issues and is high maintenance, please have him checked, even by the school counselor.  Some things are so easy to remedy now, like anxiety disorder or ADHD, and if not checked they progress like ducky says.  Put what energy you have into taking care of you!  And keep ranting, it's good for you!

duckyb1

37Antiques............your right about the "now" thing.........I was not being a meddling grandmother......this kid had issues as a little boy...........when we would have family functions everyone would dread it because we knew how he would be acting.............Sad part is when he was good he was adorable......................but when he was bad he was horrid................I told my son to have him checked for ADHD, and he said "I don't want him on medicine and living like a Zombie.............I said to him "maybe it could be just a diet change".

Another problem the mother never gave out pumishment, and made it stick....she would crash, give in, and No, never was NO...............Never consistant, always caving in, and never sticking to what she said.......I told her many times.......I would say .,................as much as it hurts you, once the trama is over, and they are behaving, you must stick to your punishment cause if you don't they will always think "hmmmm, I can get out of this", and he usually does...

So now my son is paying the price................He has these episodes where he goes off, and there is no controlling him...............it is sad.

37antiques

Oh Ducky how I wish my kid's gram was like you!  Theirs does not know how to say no, everything is excused and the world is for them.  She is very involved in their lives too, and in respecting my elders we ended up changing our life to let her go on this destructive path!  My son is ADD, it is a horrific thing, but the new drugs they have work wonders and they are not a controlled substance, no SE's, big advancement!  I hear ADD can progress into a more aggressive disorder then OCD and bipolar, so sad.

The whole cancer experience is hard on the kids too, they try so hard to be strong!  It is the visible things that get them - it's such a change from what they are used to in their young lives.  I recall being by my grandmother's bed close to her end, and thinking why doesn't she get up and talk to me?  I had just turned 5.  Some things you just can't forget.

duckyb1

37antiques........I am now 76...............I had 6 chldren, and a husband who worked all day, and went to school at night..........I had them 2 year, 1 year, and newborn...........3 in a little over 3 years.............then I had 3 more, after that........I had 5 children in 9 years, and the last one when i was 34.........I was married in 1956, had my first in 57, second in 58, third in 59...........so I had to be on my toes all the time.................No was NO, and no matter how nice you became after punishment ws given, or how much you begged, the punishment stuck till your time was up, whether it was 5 minutes or 5 days................eventually they realized I was not kidding when I said NO.................I had to be strict, I had the burden of day and night care........my husband left at 6am, came in at 4:30, ate, and was out by 5pm, and came in at 11Pm from school..., plus took side work on the weekends.

by the time the next 3 came he was out of school, and gave up side jobs..............then it was easier, but the punishment rules never changed...........no, meant no................even when they wer in high school..........and today I have great kids.

I took care of 2 of my daughters boys from birth till 2 1/2....same with them.........no meant no..........and another daughter's 2 I still take care of while she works 3 days a week...................no means no to them too, and they are 10, and 12, and I have been taking care of them since they were born for my daughterr................

My son is wrong, and his wife was never disaplined, so she has no clue what that means.......he thinks his father and I were too strict, well his way certainly isn't working and I think he knows that now, but for this kid it just might be too late...........I warned him long ago, but he always thought things would change.......................things don't just change, you have to make them change............no kid has or will ever run my home..............

jennyboog

You have a right to rant...you're FIL sounds like some of my family   I hope it gets better for you and that your husband will be home soon to help some.  Big hugs going your way.

kathleen1966

Thanks everyone.  Today was a bit better.  Yes, I need to look into my sons issues.  He is also a very thoughtful and loving child.  Gets along with his younger brother very well and is always looking out for him. He also has a lot of friends at school and has had numerous visitors to the house. But he likely has OCD sprinkled with a bit of ADHD and there have been times I worry about Bipolar as well.  It is in the family. We will get through this next hurdle and I know there are others who are going through a lot worst.  The woman on here who's husband has a brain tumor comes to mind and I believe there is another woman on here who battled cancer with a disabled daughter.  Then there are the women battling stage IV.  I admire them all. This is life I suppose.  Thanks!

AnnNYC

Kathleen, (((((((hugs))))))) to you.  Glad today is a little better.  Breaking a femur is a big deal -- I'm so sorry that happened to your son.  I'm guessing the meds and the pain knocked him for a loop -- sounds like maybe as the anesthesia leaves his system and the pain lessens (or at least is no longer a "new" overwhelming sensory stimulus) he will be more soothed and "sootheable."

[Just wondering -- was he incredibly sensitive to textures, sounds, smells as an infant/toddler?  My son invented the word "skarkly" at about age 2 or 3, to describe itchy or starchy clothes he hated to wear!  Anyway, maybe we can compare notes in a PM or something!]

37antiques' idea of getting a little urinal sounds pretty clever to me... (but maybe the lifting is not such an issue anymore?) 

DiDel

Kathleen Sorry you are going through all this right now, if I lived closer I'd help you out! I know how you feel about exhausting friends. I am a year out from chemo and felt like I cashed in all my favor chips. I needed someone to help me out one last time two weeks ago for my final revision surgery and at first I got ZERO response and finally I sent out a heart felt email (basically begging) for help one last time. I told everyone I know I've asked a lot and I've come so far but I'm not done yet. Several friends then responded stepped up and helped me out. I don't think they minded I just think people think once you're done with chemo you're done which we all know you're not. I remember the joint pain and fatigue. I felt 100 years old when I finished chemo. The good news is it doesn't last forever. I would say slowly the hot flashes and joint pain disipated and after three months I felt like my old self again. I promise you you WILL feel better in a couple of months. I would definitely reach out to your friends, explain to them your physical pain and that you just really need some help. A true friend would never mind helping you out.

Good luck and lots of hugs!!

Diane

kathleen1966

The lifting is still an issue but I do have a custom compression garmet that should keep my arm in check (I do have lymphedema).  Today, I am going slower getting him in and out of bed instead of in the sort of frenzy I was doing it yesterday.  The father in Law went back to the town he lives in and soo that added stress left the house. My son is more on the opposite end of sensitive.  He seeks, textures, sounds, smells, etc.....likes super spicy foods, sucks on lemons, constantly moving, jumping, moving his arms around. His phrase for too much sensory info is "I have the tingly's" The lyric from a particular song from the Sound of Music "How do you catch a cloud and pin it down" suits him well. Not at all compatible with a femur fracture. Once he can get up and down the stairs without help or significant pain, I may consider the urinal for the first floor.  I imagine the first few weeks will be the worst and we are already almost done with week one. It is soo nice not to talk about Breast Cancer!!!!

edwards750

ducky...just wondering if your grandson is behaving the way he is because his mother walked out on him again. I understand about the discipline. My parents had 7 children and while we were disciplined they were of the generation that you whacked kids around. I disagree with that form of punishment. To me it is child abuse but a zillion years ago it wasnt. It was the cliche...spare the rod...My husband and I have not been as strict as we should have been with our youngest who is in college so we are paying at least in part a price for that. He is a smart kid and for the most part has a big heart but every now and then he parties too much and you can guess the rest. So parents on this forum who dont want to pay for it later apply and enforce discipline when they are young. It is a lot more difficult to do it when they are older. Having said that smacking your son is over the line...that calls for drastic measures by your son. diane

apple

i hope someone does the dishes for you.

Mine need to be done.. sigh.. I guess I'll ask the son to do them.  which he will.

37antiques

Apple you are a lucky woman.  My 3 older kids would help, but the 3 younger ones?  No way.  The rod was spared for sure, and going through everything we have the past few years, well, lets just say we were too worn out to stay on it effectively.  Maybe I should send them to duckyb's over summer vacation for an attitude adjustment? LOL Diane, you are so right, the older they get, the harder it is. Although I have finally broken in grandma to respect our parenting and convinced her that giving is is not letting them grow.  We still have a stumbling block sometimes with my 12 year old (he's her special boy), but it is much better.

I never hit my kids or spanked them, but during treatment a very good friend of mine stopped in (a policeman) and was appalled at their behavior.  To say the least, I was struggling.  He actually copied the penal law that says we as parents could be charged for not enforcing discipline with our children if they were to cause harm to anyone, including themselves.  That was when I made the appointment to get my son checked over, he was a great one for hitting himself during a meltdown, and sure enough he is ADD with a little OCD.  A little straterra in the morning and my sweet child is here all day, such a blessing and a relief!  Kathleen, try a stimulant like soda or tea and see if it calms him down.  My son sucks on lemons, too, and his (bipolar) father.  Strange...

duckyb1

edwards750..............I think the most important thing when it comes to parenting is to be very consistent........if you aren't kids are a hell of a lot smarter then we sometimes give the credit for...........my belief is, if you fold that is a problem.........Plus I also believe you have to make the punishment......fit the crime......don't say ............your grounded for 3 weeks, if you know damn well after 1 week your gonna give in to them..............if you say "no car, hand over your keys"...........you don't decide that just because a younger child has to go somewhere and you don't feel like the Taxi, you tell the punished on.........."take your sister where she has to go".........you take away a computer, cell phone, TV, whatever it is................don't give it back just because all of a sudden their behaving................Make the punishment fit the crime, and make the punishment last as long as you have indicated.  Parenting is not that difficult as long as you let your kids know who is Boss............and be a Parent..........not their best friend..........Once they grow up into real adulthood, you have plenty of time to be their best friend.............I am with my children, and I love it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but when they were young, I was their Mother......................