What to do for Husband/Family

mccrimmon324

Hey everyone, this is my first post.  I'm sure this subject has been covered somewhere but haven't found it yet.  I was diagnosed in the Beginning of April, had a lumpectomy and am waiting for it to heal a bit more before I start Chemo.  My husband has been wonderful, has really taken extremely good care of me but I know that he is really stressed out.  He's trying so hard to be my rock and do everything.  He did actually go to the doctor today and asked for a referral to a therapist and also got a xanax prescription.  I guess my question is how has everyone else dealt with your hubbys/family members stress.  He gets upset, I get upset and vice versa.  I don't want to stress, its the last thing I/we should be doing now and I'm looking for advice on how everyone else is coping.

Heather

annettek

Heather- print out a copy of what you wrote and show it to him- or at least let him know you know how hurt and confused he is. My 84 year old mom told me she was worried about my HUSBAND0- and when I told him that, it helped him immensely. And in turn,helped me- for as you said it becomes a circle of stress when all it is base don is worry about the damn bc.

It is true we have to focus on ourselves but it is easy to forget those that truly love us are scared out of their wits for us and for themselves=which is not a bad thing for it means they truly care. Stress is almost ineviatable right now- I wish in retrospect I would have taken ativan more regularly while going through all of the intitial treatments....it would have made things calmer all around...

glad you are here but sorry you had to join us....we will all help get you through this the best we can- BC.org is pretty amazing...a lifeline at times for me and that is weird as I don't usually ask for help for anything.

edwards750

Hi Heather, sorry you have to join our Club but since you have it is a great place to get support and advice on any and everything to do with breast cancer. My husband is quiet by nature which is a good thing because I never stop talking. He couldnt get a word in edgewise is he wanted to. He has been very supportive but he doesnt talk about the subject unless I bring it up. He has gone with me to the BS and ONC. I could tell he was nervous because he was TALKING. I finally had to tell him to zip it. It is understandable that your husband is stressed. I am sure he is scared. Obviously one of  you needs to try and remain calm. Hard to do but if meds help go for it. Maybe you could talk to him about his being upset and how it makes you feel. Even though we are the patients as it were it takes its toll on them too. Maybe you guys could hit a happy medium. Xanax should help him a lot which should help you as well because he will be a lot calmer. My sister in law has breast cancer as well and she is the rock. My brother supports her as much as he can but he takes his lead from her. She never seems to get ruffled. I know they panic if we do but sometimes you just cant have that game face on. All of us need to let our guard down every now and then. It is okay to cry and even be angry. I did and I am. Getting more stressed is not good for what is ailing you. As for the rest of the family they have been very supportive - some more than others. I actually shared my inner fears more with my friends than my husband. Not that he doesnt care but he just suffers in silence and isnt that responsive. You know he cares just let him know you need him and to be able to vent when you need to. Good luck...diane

char123

hello Heather: i have been through this twice, my hubby was great, he was under an enormous amount of stress also, they are going through this with us, and they can't fix us so they feel very helpless. They are  just as afraid as we are, and they are trying not to show it and keep it all together.  just be, what ever that means for the day, just be..and you and your family will find your new normal. hang in..

mccrimmon324

Thank you everyone, hoist123 I think you explained my husband best.  He can't fix me and does feel helpless.  I just felt so bad for him last night.  We had a new living room carpet installed yesterday, he had to move everything out of the living room, then back in, he was really trying to clean up the house well, feed the dogs, get us fed, do the dishes, laundry, the dishwasher started leaking and it just seemed everything he tried to do something happened and I could just see him starting to lose it and I felt really helpless for him.  Thankfully, he took one of my xanax's and fell asleep nice and early as I'm sure you can all agree, I just want this nightmare over with!

mrsgray317

I found a book for my husband-Breast Cancer Husband.  He has gotten a lot from it and I flipped thorugh it a bit.  I highly reccommend this book.  It has made a difference for him and for us.  Peace to all.

Leah_S

Sometimes the people who are close to us need to deal with things in their own way. My dh (who has been absolutely wonderful through all of this) will not read ANYTHING online about bc. Nothing. I tried to persuade him to at first but he said I could tell him anything he needed to know and felt just reading about this would be boring. Now, this might be logical if he was a lawyer, a fireman, an airline pilot BUT he is a scientist by training - BSc in physics and chemistry from University of Toronto and MSc in biological chemistry from Oxford and worked in medical research for a while. So we're not talking about someone who wouldn't be interested or who would be bored by medical stuff! I realized that it was his way of protecting himself and he needs it. Also, from some of the things he's said since my mets dx (bone mets only) he does not look at this as the same disease as organ mets even though 3 friends have died of this since my mets dx. Again, it's his way of protecting himself. I actually realize that, for me, it's better this way since he doesn't treat me as "my wife who is seriously ill" but as "my wife who is more tired than before so can't do as much" which gives us a more normal life.

My daughter is a nurse - grew up here in Israel so is fluent in Hebrew. My written Hebrew is weak so I've occasionally asked her to go over path reports or scan reports with me even though my onc tells me what's going on (I still would like word-for-word though). She doesn't want to do it and says that the onc has told me the results and the details are unnecessary. She's also protecting herself I think.

Sometimes we have to let them find their way. In my case, my family is very loving and supportive and SCARED.

Leah