HOW to "Move On"?

peverson

It's been just over a year since my diagnosis and first mastectomy, 8 months since the end of chemo, 6 since the end of rads, and 4 since my last prophylactic surgeries. I'm still a nervous wreck. How does one "move on"? I'm still fatigued waaay more than I expected. I've also seen counselors, but they have been of limited help, and I don't know what else to do. Help.

Patsy

Lowrider54

Patsy

Its been awhile but it is not something easily forgotten...the last session of chemo left me with no more appointments every week.  It felt weird.  I was done with the treatment part.  Now what?  Chemo brain was still in full effect - it took about 3 months to become much less forgetfull but 6 months to really feel like myself. 

I decided to start riding my bicycle.  Everyday.  At first, it was around the block.  My 9 year old son would ride with me - some days I couldn't go too far but it wasn't long before we started to go visiting when we rode - and then began to go futher until I was riding 5 miles everyday.  Sometimes it would be in 2 parts - 2 1/2 miles to a friends and then back.  Instead of taking the car, we would go to functions on the bicycles. 

At night when I couldn't sleep, I would slip out of the house and do a few blocks on the bike - thankfully, I lived in a small community and at 3am, I wasn't concerned about others - I knew all the police and would stop and chat and they got used to seeing me when I couldn't sleep.  That 10 -15 minutes of exercise was enough to calm my mind and body to allow sleep.

Cancer was never far from my mind and I just wasn't going to let it take over - I would talk to myself in the mirror and tell myself that I can have the thought and then dismiss it.  Sure, every little ailment was 'ah, its back' but that too settled down. 

It is learning to LIVE.  Really live - stop and smell the roses, don't sweat the small stuff, look forward to everything no matter how small, and see the world with child-like eyes as if you have never seen anything before.  You have survived breast cancer and you are alive.  And yes, I did seek some anti anxiety meds and am on them to this day (I took a couple years break but now with mets, I am back on them again).

Oh, just because mine came back...it does not mean that yours will.  I had 10 1/2 years of a cancer free life and now I am learning how to live with it again - the only difference is I will be forever treating but living just the same.  I am a bone only metster which is the best possible scenrio if it returns and after 16 months and 6 days of treatment, I attained stable and on the 15th of this month...I am still stable with 'significant reduction in the size and number of spots on my spine'.  I am not going to be a statistic - I am a human and an individual and the treatments for bone mets are pretty gentle and VERY effective.  Cured I will never be but with the new stuff coming along, 'chronic' is possible and 'terminal' no longer the outcome.

One foot in front of the other...like hillck says...

Hugs and best to you

LowRider

starbeauty

peverson... it has been almost a year since my last chemo, etc. etc.  Last night the PCP called to let me know she wanted to see me because my blood panels had some concerns.  I had a major melt down.  I had company coming and I was freaking out.  It was ridiculous, but it happened.  I would say I am doing better every day, but yesterday showed me just how on edge I still am.  I told the receptionist I was not interested in meeting with anyone about anything.  "So do you want an appointment to discuss this...?" she asked... "No - I don't... I really really don't."  Like avoiding it is going to help me... or denying that I may need to manage other issuses... nope - can't handle it.  We are still stressed out in a major way... and LowRider gave you such great advice.  Today - focus on something to do... to help someone else, to have fun, to accomplish a task, to exercise and feel like you have done something for your body... just get at it.  Don't expect it to change overnight... and by the way... I am totally cutting myself slack about the meltdown.  I don't care if the PCP office thinks I am a loon.  Today I am better... and today is what matters. 

Sherryc

Lowrider-very beautifully put!!!

dlb823

Patsy, there was a time after I finished tx that I felt fatigued, isolated, and overwhelmed, and I wondered if life would ever by happy again.  But over the past 2 years I've come to realize that emotional recovery from bc is a process.  You won't suddenly feel better, but you will get stronger and better over time. 

One thing that helped me is getting out of my normal routine -- a long weekend away, for example -- experiencing people and places that have no relationship whatsoever to the past year, helped to get my thoughts out of the same rut.

And almost contrary to that... doing something to use what you've been through and the lessons you've gleaned from it can also help.  A dear friend of mine who was a victim of war taught me something very powerful -- that when something traumatic happens to us we need to find a way to use it for good, or we continue to be victims.  And it doesn't have to be bc-related -- just anything to ease someone else's journey -- because you know what trauma is like.

I also strongly second the suggestion Amy gave you on your other thread re. exercise. Walking several miles a day has been a salvation for me.  It not only raises endorphins and releases stress, but it gives you time to think about and really process what you've been through.  In Europe, spending time outdoors in nature(something so many of us overlook with our busy lives) is RX'd the way anti-depressants are RX'd here. 

This suggestion may not work for everyone... but books like Anti-Cancer, A New Way of Life by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD, and Life Over Cancer by Keith Block, MD, have given me ways to feel more in control about future risk prevention.  And a book I'm reading now, Back To Life by Alicia Salzer, MD, contains some of the best information I've come across on PTSD, which is really what we're all dealing with to one degree or another.  

I hope & pray that sharing your feelings here will be a turning point for you.  Also, if you are still in pain (mentioned on your other thread), maybe talk to a pain doc.  It's hard to think clearly, no less be up and feeling positive, if you're in pain.  (((Hugs)))    Deanna

peverson

Thanks to everyone for sharing experiences and advice. I have a lot of emotional work to do, that's for sure. Physically, I am as active as I can be right now. I sprained a foot badly a couple of weeks ago, which halted my walking, but I've started it back up again. I also am part of a new cancer survivorship group that meets twice a week for education and exercise (cardio and strengthening). Pain issues have improved (thank God), but I still feel kind of crazy every morning when I wake up. Anxious, tense, and not quite sure why. I am supposed to return to work next week and feel uneasy about that, as it's been over a year, and I'm not sure how I'll hold up. Meds don't work for me, so I have to learn to manage this without them. My goal is to become a runner, as I was when I was young, in 3 years, and sometimes that helps keep me focused. But this is still so hard for me, and trying to address the why is challenging. I just feel stuck.