Will I ever get through this - newbie

MamaV

I'm brand new to this site, and need some encouragement.  I have finished 4 A/C treatments (1x every 3 wks) and started weekly Taxol last week.  Have 11 more Taxol treatments to go, then radiation.  I just feel like this has been the longest 5 months of my life and can't imagine 5 more months.  I feel anxious and depressed all at the same time.  The novelty of it all has worn off with many friends and co-workers - I think they are all as sick of this as I am, but they can get away from it.  I cannot.  Did anyone else feel like this in the middle of treatment?

blondie45

Hang in there, yes you will get through it, some days it can feel very overwhelming though. Feel free to message me if you would like.

pixelsupply

First off, yes, what you are feeling right now, I felt the exact same way. I didn't know how I would survive. But whats weird is that you will get through it.  You'll start to get first feeling of relief when your chemo is done.

And if this helps, Taxol was very easy compared to AC. At least for me. 

I start rads next week and I am running towards it. Every day passing means that I am closer to having the  treatment completed. I am closer to getting my life back.  Its like the feeling you get when you reach the top of the hill and you sprint your way downhill. Does that make any sense? 

Be kind to yourself. Its incredibly hard what we go through, emotionally and physically. Know that what you are feeling we've all been there.

IT WILL GET BETTER! And you can make it through! We both will!

MamaV

Pixel - congratulations on surviving Chemo - I can't wait to say I'm done in 11 weeks!  Thanks for the encouragement.  I can't wait to sprint down that hill after you!  Good luck with rads.

Sending a hug your way!

leftfootforward

MamaV-

Hang in there. I am in week 9 of 12 for the taxol/herceptin treatment.  I can sympathize with you.  This is a long haul and you have been going ever since you started this process.  you will have your good days and your bad days. I highly encourage you to take any medicine they give you to help you though. I am not a pill taker but find taking my ativan makes this process much more tolerable on my bad days.  

I also found Taxol to be much easier.

Good luck. 

toomuch

MamaV - You have completed the worst part of chemo already! I remember being worn out by the time I had my 4th AC treatment. I got 4 Taxol treatments every 2 weeks so it took slightly less time than your Taxol treatments will but I've heard that there are less side effects when you get it weekly. If you haven't spoken to your oncologist about your anxiety and depression (both totally normal) during cancer treatment, you should. The oncology department may have a social worker that you can talk to or they may be able to refer you to a counselor. If you're having sleep difficulties, you should talk to your oncologist about that too. Everything seems so much worse when we're exhausted. I took Ambian on and off while on chemo and it was amazing how much better I felt after the nights that I slept! You're half way done...keep counting down!

Mimidi

My prayers are with you Mama V.  I have 6 more chemo treatments then radiation and pills.  My journey started in November with surgery.  Chemo started in January.  I hope I finish before the summer is over.  Ambien workes for me.  I take it every night.  Sleep is so important.

MamaV

Thank you all for your encouragement.  We will all get through this one day at a time, won't we?  Taxol #2 of 12 tomorrow.

Mimidi

I have my abraxane tomorrow.  This is 6 with 5 to go.  Taxotere nearly killled me so I was taken off of it.  One day at a time for sure.  Today is one of those days where I wonder if all of this cure is worth it.

MamaV

The day before treatment is always so tough, isn't it?  Not too many people can understand the fear of getting poisoned like we do!  Good luck tomorrow Mimidi.  I will be thinking of you while I am getting tx too.

Slammy

Yes, it is your new normal.  I'm a 2 1/2 survivor and went through all the same.  Stay present.  Don't look back and don't look forward, just look at today.  Everything is good right now.  This helped me immensely as it is just too much to handle.

sundermom

When I started this journey my MO said, "This will be a rough six months and then you'll go on to live the rest of your very long life."  That has kind of kept things in perspective for me.  6 months (when I plan to live to 100) doesn't really seem that long in the grand scheme of things!  AC#3 was the wall for me.  I think I cried for most of the 2 weeks in between treatments.  Taxol was so much easier and I saw my mood and general outlook improve during the last 4 DD Taxol sessions. 

Tammy

MamaV

Slammy that is great advice - don't look back, don't look forward, just today. 

tsun - A/C #3 was the hardest for me too.  I'm hoping Taxol #1 wasn't just a fluke and #2 goes as well tomorrow.  If they all go as well as #1 - I think I can do this.  (like I have a choice - ha ha)

Loviesmom2

Help me please! I'm newbie and about to take the plunge on 5/2/11. First round A/C x 4. I've been a soldier, fierce through MX, recovery... Running through the troops and leaping over the walls...now the troops seem to be running over me and the wall leaning about to fall on me! Fear is foreign to me. I've been reading various posts for encouragement and praying for strength but the day is upon me and I just want to run away! Thanks for your patience with the snibbling, whining 45 y/o baby. You are all such victorious soldiers.

pixelsupply

Wow, I know that feeling. I have been where you are now and you are not snibbling. Its so frightening, the unknown.  But I have to tell you its not as bad as you think it will be. I am 48 and basically have the same stage, size and grade as your cancer only my cancer was IDC. I had Taxol first, then A/C... it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Some tips...

Any side effect that you get make sure to tell the nurse or doctor because  they now have great drugs that eliminate most of the discomfort from the chemo.

Drink lots and lots of water. It helps flush out the toxins.  Make sure you have some kind of entertainment with you. I brought my  my laptop or a book, even watched a movie...(I could stream Netflix at my hospital -- the nurse and I watched MONK for a good laugh).

I personally didn't get all the side effects like stomach upset, or much fatigue. I tried to walk or have a gentle workout everyday which helped with fatigue.The worst side effect (other than the hair thing which I solved with a good wig) was not tasting food I was familiar with. Food I didn't eat on a normal basis tasted fine....weird right? 

And as tsunderman said, its only a few months towards the rest of your life! 

Take care of yourself!! You CAN get through this. I did!

MamaV

loviesmom2 - hang in there.  I know right where you are.  Everyone kept saying I am so strong and such a great fighter, but deep down I was scared to death.  Everyone does react differently to all the SEs, A/C was the worst for me, now Taxol is much easier to deal with.  Definitely take pixel's advice - drink TONS and make sure you tell your Docs about all the SEs so they can give you meds to help!  Just plan on getting as much rest as possible for the 3-4 days after treatment so you can get back on your feet in no time!

Mimidi

Pixie I take my laptop to chemo too and watch Netflix.

MamaV

Loviesmom - how are you?  How did the first A/C go?

marial

I am fairly new to this journey as well..DX on 12/15, 4x every 2 weeks AC started in late January for me  Today will be my 8th weekly Taxol out of the 12.  What I can say to you is that the AC seemed like it took forever to get through, even though I had very little side effects (except for hair loss). The weekly thing makes it go by so much faster for some reason..I was always waiting for the next one to come when it was every 2 weeks..now it just seeems to come up..I guess I like the treatment days to come as it means that is one less.  I opted for a MX so I dont have rads after this, and am triple negative, so this is the end of my "treatment" options, except for another upcoming preventative MX and ovary removal.. Wishing you all the best through your treatment

edot

You will get through this, but it sucks a lot. I've never felt so much like a wet dishrag in all my life.

I was dx'd 12/2010, lumpectomy late December, started chemo late January. 

I had the equivalent of AC (In Switzerland, so it has a different name), 4 treatments every 3 weeks. I thought I was doing pretty well, but in retrospect, I was exhausted and fuzzy headed. I think it's the "chemo brain" that people talk about. I was worthless for about 3-4 days after each chemo while I tapered off my steroids and anti nausea meds, and just tired while my blood counts dropped. The docs here seem to manage the SE's really well with a whole arsenal of drugs for nausea and etc, but for me at least, when my counts dropped, blah. Dishrag. Then they'd come back up and it would be time for yet another chemo. 

After my last AC, I had to have iron and neulasta, antibiotics and antifungals. I was totally depressed and out of it - infections and depression all from low counts and just the general messing of one's head by the chemo.And once my counts rose and the infections were gone, it was like a light switch coming on. I felt like myself for the first time in ages - it was weird, I shook my head and almost thought I felt my hair again. I just felt "normal". 

I've just finished my 3rd of 12 weekly taxols, and it feels so much different. I have a faster steroid taper, and fewer anti-nausea drugs (just emend). The day after my chemo, I can actually do stuff - run errands, drive, etc. I sleep ok, I don't feel depressed, and I have a lot more energy. Of course, I have a lot less energy than I did before the whole mess started...but that's another issue. My oncologist warns me that I will probably start to feel more tired again after a few more taxols, but so far so good. My treatments themselves go quickly - I usually am done in less than 3 hours. 

I guess I'l be done with taxol in July, then rads in August. But the taxol does seem to go faster. 

I also wish you all the best through treatment. Somehow, we seem to get through it......my best advice is to rest, rest, rest when you can... and drink plenty of water... advice which I need to follow myself.

All the best!

e. 

 

Mimidi

I hope everyone is having a great day.  My family all dropped by after church and visited for a few minutes.  They are supposed to come back later to swim and cookout.  I hope there are many more years of getting together on Mother's Day.

hymil

MamaV, you will get through this and by the time you do, it will be half way to Christmas you will be ready to plan a refreshing break for yourself. If you have energy some days and not others. you could break down the inevitable tasks of (for example) Christmas cards by already writing the address labels, or checking you will have enough stamps, little bits each day so you don't then get overwhelmed by desparately trying to play catch-up. Do a round-robin letter even if you don't usually, and if you have family, ask if someone else would like to write it. This worked very well for me as I also do cards for my mother which is a nightmare task if I don't break it down a bit. You can think to yourself, When I finished treatment I'm going to choose two presents I would really like... It's a bit like having a small baby in the house: each evening lasts forever, then you wonder where a year went. Hang on, and stay around. Oh and don't waste every good day working or filling it with "oughts and shoulds" - treat yourself to lots of fun days too, Especially if you are off work, make the most of it and don't hurry back!

Trisha-Anne

This is a really tough road, and we all seem to make it through somehow.

I'm now 12 weeks pfc, and during the chemo I wondered how I'd ever get though it all, but you do.  We aren't especiall strong, we just find ourselves in a situation and we just get through it.

I remember I had to have an ultrasound about a week before my mx, and the radiologist said to me that I would go through hell over the next few months, but no matter what I went through it wouldn't touch me at my heart.  I cried when he said that and still do when I think of it.  But he was right.  Even when you are in the depths of despair and feeling like hell, you are still you.  

Your self confidence takes a beating, as does your self esteem, but it comes back and makes you stronger.  While I was on chemo I said to my husband that it was just too hard ( I was doing Taxotere) and I couldn't do it anymore, I'd rather die of cancer.  But now, if I found out it had come back, I'd do it all over again if I had to.

Just take one day at a time.   Don't think about all the treatments to come, just concentrate on getting through this day.  It really does help.  If prayer helps - then do a lot of that too - it does comfort you.

I also spent a lot of time remembering the times in my life when I was really happy, or remembering especially delightful holidays etc.. it all helps take your mind off what is happening to your body and spirit.

And drink lots and lots of water lol - that helps a lot too

Take care

Trish

xoxo

lorenar

I am as well on taxo/ herceptin now. I go for 3 out of 12 this coming Wed. Than a dbl masectomy with reconstruction. than herceptin once every three weeks until next April. Not to mention the hormone pill I will have to take for 5 years since Im also estrogen positive. The worst  side effect I have found with the taxol is feet and leg pain, But you ladies are so right, It is so much easier than the adrimyacin. I have many days where I almost feel normal again. I started feeling this way when they precscribed me the ativan. I think just having something to take to get my nerves back on the right track made a big difference in how O felt overall. Hope all of you have a Happy Mothers Day. I don't know what any of us would do without this site to vent.

MamaV

lorenar - glad to see you back.  I'm just barely ahead of you - I have my 4th Taxol on Thursday.  The pain for me has been pretty manageable - especially compared to what I went through with A/C. 

edot - I totally get the dishrag metaphor.  I'm not sure I was even as useful as a dishrag those days after A/C. 

I'm hanging in there - just trying to live one day at a time!