Stop acting like Iike I caused my cancer!
This past weekend I went to my high school reunion. I live in a pretty small town, so most people at the reunion had heard about my cancer. I have to say, I had a terrible time and felt myself tearing up so many times! Either people who I weren't even friends with in school broke their necks to come over and talk to me OR people I was friends with in HS ignored me!!
And to make matters worse, the ones who did come up and talk to me asked the following questions.
1. Well- did you have a lot of stress in your life?
2. Did you always eat healthy?
3. Did you drink a lot of alcohol?
4. Did you always work out and excercise?
5. Does anyone in your family have it?
6. Did you take vitamins??
and on and on and on! I felt like saying- LOOK! I KNOW YOU ARE ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID THAT YOU WILL GET IT. THERE IS NO RHYME OR REASON WHY I GOT IT. AND YOU ALL ARE AS BAD AS THE PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T COME OVER BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID TO TALK TO ME!!
Sorry, I just had to get that off of my chest. I just cannot believe the ignorance of some people.
Comments
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People can just be so ignorant about cancer.....don't let those small minds bother you. It's not your fault! Some people lead super healthy lives and get cancer......other people are 80 and drink heavily, smoke, eat junk food.....you never know when it's going to get you. Look at lung cancer.....a good majority of people have never smoked and get lung cancer. Those people are just afraid for themselves because they know deep down that it can strike anyone at anytime and that is a very scary thought. You have done nothing wrong and don't deserve cancer. Hang in there....I'm sending cyber hugs your way!
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Thank you Cat!!
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@Anna.....I know what exactly what you are talking about. ((((((HUGS)))))
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When people ask me from now I am going to say this---
I have always been a bad person. I have eaten nothing but crap for dinner the last 30 years of my life. I intentionally inhale car fumes. I think bad thoughts. That's why I got breast cancer.
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CrazyKitties..... LOVE your answer. Too funny.
I just like to tell people I got cancer because I was special. Not that I would wish cancer on anyone but I sure have met a LOT of awesome amazing strong wonderful women who paid the price to be a member of this awesome group that I would have never met had I not gotten cancer.
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anabanana... they all deserve a smack upside the head, don't they?? I went to dinner with friends this weekend, and the wife who is 35 (I'm 30) and has 3 little boys said "Sometimes I wish I could just get a littleeee bit of cancer in my boob, so I could get a boob job and get a month off." REALLY?!
CrazyKitties... HAH. I definitely inhale tail pipe. What. That's not good for you? Totally thought it was. Lol. Best response ever, ma' lady!
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Yes, at times it is just hard to blend in again. Small towns are hard that way. I was having some people almost upset that I wasn't able to explain to them how to help me when I was sick. I thought they could just do something on their own without asking. I found out a young boy across the street from me had it and I just took him food when he was sick at the same time. It made me feel better. In time it will wear off and things will get back to normal I hope. Some days I avoid the store in the afternoon I get so tired of it. People care in strange ways sometimes. Hang in there. You didn't cause any of this. No doctor I talked with had any answers as far as what caused mine.
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anabanana- You explained it perfectly. They want you to say that you did something, that they would never do, so they can reassure themselves that they will never get BC. Morons! If they can't find something like that then they avoid you because obviously BC is contagious then and they must not be around you. There is a great thread on here where women post all the stupid things that people say to them. It's great for venting! It's called- "The dumbest things people have said to you/about you". They're up to 145 pages if that tells you anything! Here's the link-
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/744439?page=114#post_2196107
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I met an acquaintance in the grocery store about a week ago and she inquired about my health. I live in a rather small town and everyone knows everyone and she had heard about my diagnosis. I told her I was fine and the conversation drifted to her husband and his health problems. Finally I was able to tell her I had lots of shopping to do and needed to go.........she looked me dead in the eye and said, "I hope you're still alive the next time I see you." It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtless some people are! At least we can come to BCO for understanding and laughter.
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Clucke'em.. There are two other threads annabanna- "OMG the found a cure for stupid" and "i got cancer because" I can't C&P the urls because I used firefox. But someone else will be able to post them. You can jump in on the latest , but with the three threads I recommended over time read from the beginning.
There are a whole lot of idiots out there. There are allot of good people too.
You owe no response to abusive, intrusive, condescending, hateful, better than thou behaviour. Try to have several pat answers for rude people----like" my medical history is your business because?" Gentianviolet--- The lady that said "I hope you are alive the next time I see you" response well " I hope you are too, any particular flowers you would like for your funeral?" Of course In a small town word would get around with comments like__"I only asked her ___________ and she just seemed so defensive". Of course whomever she would say that to , is as stupid as she is. They are gossips. It's none of their clucking business.
You need those other threads. Nothing that you can hear, hasn't already been said. Walk away from all of the stupid , hurtful people they are not worth another moment of your time or consideration.
Stay with us, we don't ask stupid questions. If someone on BCO does, just ignore them--it's rare , but it can happen.
Best advice I can give you, is find those people that laugh and stick with them.
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I'm glad you started this thread. Without going into much detail, I had certain people ask me what I did wrong. Did I not have check ups? Did I not get mammograms? Did it run in my family? I had aspirations on my lost breast for 20 years, so I had regular check ups and got mammograms. I did everything I was supposed to and my background indicated that I was least likely to get breast cancer.
I feel guilty because at my last check up with the surgeon at the time he didn't aspirate because the lumps were too small and he never used that as an excuse in the past. IMO, he was getting too old to try to get at them even though I knew these lumps were different. I was supposed to see him in six months but I waited a year and the mammogram was positive. I ditched him and went to another surgeon.
I never tell anyone this story (until now) because it is my fault that I did not catch it in time. I just tell people it runs in the family.
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I was asked by a rude woman I just met at a party, "Didn't you get check ups?"
Yes bitch, that's why we found it.
My cancer didn't show up on tests, we felt it, watched it for 6 months while it grew, and got it out at the last second. I had 1.98 mm in the sentinal node, 19 axillary nodes clear. I have a 9 year old daughter, I just turned 50. I got my period at 10, had my baby at 40, and had combination fibroids and suspicious lumps since I was 17. According to many, stress gave me breast cancer, not the fact that I got my period too young, had a baby too old, was exposed to tons of chemicals as a hairdresser, artist, welder, and in the environment, was fed food full of pesticides for years, etc., etc. It must be something I did.....duh! It's called LIVING.
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Annabanana, I'm sorry they treated you like that. I assume by your avatar that you live in the Pittsburgh area, Do you mind if I ask who your oncologist is? I'm in the process of switching because I don't like mine.
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I love the "ignore this member" feature on bc.org
Might be the 2nd best thing about it!
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Links for the threads Sas-schatzi told you:
They found the Cure for Stupid (Do read this one right from the beginning in order to make any sense at all from it!!) is here: http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/765586?page=1
I got cancer because.. Do you mean this one? "Let's post how we all got BC": Sorry, I can't find that one. Such a shame, that's how I learn that dust-bunnies are good for you and I should never have hoovered under the bed after all... It was really funny, that thread.
On the bright side there's a thread here, about, The Nicest Thing Someone Said About You, that we could get going again... if anyone would say anything nice that is. The nicest thing my onc said is [I have] "no risk factors" (he never asked did I used to hoover under the bed) thread is here: http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/31/topic/755363
and someone else has a Worst Comments thread here: http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/6/topic/313233?page=1
there's also a "Venting pub" in one of the age-grouping sections...and I could go on. You are not alone, Anna people say these stupid and insensitive comments all the time, and these threads do provide (a) somewhere to vent about them and share the laughs and also (b) a wealth of shared wisdom of coping strategies, *most* of which are legal....
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Tell the next woman that opens her fat mouth again to look around the room and count the women in the room. Tell her 1 of 8 in the room will be diagnosed with breast cancer. That's 12%. Tell her to talk to them about what they may be doing wrong and have her offer them advice. Remind her to examine herself regularly and get a yearly mammogram and to get back to you in a few years to update you on her health in those cruel and astounding statistics.
In the meantime, stick to the positive people in your life. If someone makes a visit toxic or even uncomfortable, walk away.
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jbinok- Really? I looked through your last few posts and you have NOTHING positive to say about anything. Are you just here just to ruffle feathers and get people pissed off? This is about supporting each other.
I don't get it; you have a beef with all those people?
You're upset with the ones who didn't talk to you; you're upset with the ones who DID talk to you, but not how you would have like them to.
What is helpful or nice about what you shared? I never post comments to anyone like this but once I saw your pattern and I couldn't help but to comment.
Moderators, do we really allow women like this to continue posting hurtful comments to others?
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crazykitties, i absolutely love the answer you gave about how one "catches" cancer.
i am the anomaly with alot of people around here, cause i'm 29, perfect health before BC, didn't smoke (but i did drink, oops, DO drink!), healthy weight, ate balanced meals. but was always stressed to the max at work.
no one can convince me that was the reason! but when people, especially acquaintances, hear i have cancer, they ALWAYS ask, "did anyone in your family have it?" i say "yes, but my gene test came back negative" they always shut up, and just look at me all confused......
then i get it... " you're too YOUNG to have breast cancer"
well, apparently not........
again, i chuckle, i think sometimes you just gotta laugh at all the diarrhea of the mouth some people have!
one good thing though, it started this mammogram craze at my work. i swear everyone went to get a mammogram after they all found out! which, is good. i'm glad they all started taking breast exams and mammograms more seriously after my diagnosis. i found mine by accident!
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GentianViolet's "friend": "I hope you're still alive the next time I see you."
suggested reply: Don't worry, I can come back and haunt you any day
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I got cancer because God said so
I got cancer because I'd rather it was me than my (mother, sister, friend)
I got cancer because I was strong enough to handle it
And for the very irritating people, I got cancer because God said I was stronger than you!
I got cancer so I'd know who my friends were
They work for just about everyone I've run into
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Annabanana...time to come over to the Bonfire of the Goddesses thread and do some purging...We also have treats waiting for you... You'll feel so much better once you put something on the fire....
Since few people are aware of my diagnosis, thankfully, I've never been pummelled with questions. However, when intrusive people ask me a question I do not wish to answer, I easily shut them down by asking with a smile, "Nice to see you, how are you?" OR, I say,with a smile, "Excuse me?" And if they ask again, I then ask again with the evil eye, "Nice to see you, how are you?" That kind of moves the dialogue along or they or I walk away.
Gotta go now....time to head down to Jo's Bonfire of the Goddesses and see what else people have thrown on the fire!
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Laurie08:... I did the same thing... and this is why I "ignored this member". I don't need to see crap, and I mean CRAP like that. I don't need misery's company. Xo!
handangelbaby: Same boat! Go you! Kicking ass since 12/10, I always say = )
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Erica and Laurie...Hmmm...I looked at what the other member wrote. I don't recall them writing other things...but in this situation, I don't think they were trying to be offensive. I understand completely what they were trying to say. I have a bum shoulder that will be fixed in a few weeks. It annoys me when family members ask me how my arm is and it annoys me sometimes when they don't ask me how it is. I think that is the point that the other member is making. Sometimes we are just plain sensitive no matter what. It sometimes drives me nuts when the DH asks in the morning how my shoulder is feeling...like suddenly it is going to magically feel fine. But when he doesn't ask how I'm feeling, I sometimes want to shoot him! And then there are sometimes when I want him to feel my pain!
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voraciousreader: (LOVE the name!) I just PM'd you.
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Hi Anna...
It's great to see you posting again. I hope you've recovered from your surgery without any problems. I'm sorry you were upset at your reunion. Some people are simply ignorant and lacking in manners, so remember that the next time you're faced with a dumb question. You've shown such great resilience at such a young age... be very proud of who you are and how you've handled these stresses. I think you may have outgrown some of your friends... this can be sad, but it opens you up to a whole new world of possibilities. You may look at things a bit differently now... you've matured... don't let anyone stand in your way as you move forward with your life!
Thinking of you...
xoxo
Rose.
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Hello Anna-I remember when my best friend carried the breast cancer burden-I told her then, and I still believe this whole-heart and soul-- DO NOT let this illness define you- that was her biggest complaint-not the surgery, not the removal of her breast, not the chemo- nothing got her down but the way others treated her after they knew. She did not want people to look at her and just see "the girl with cancer"....after realizing that she was actually a BETTER person because of her strength and character that carried her through, she no longer answers ANY questions about her cancer(maybe not a solution for everyone-but it worked for her)...she simply says she chooses not to let that define her as a person- and then moves on to the next topic. btw she is a 7 year survivor....people CAN be insensitive with out knowing it-sometimes out of curiosity-maybe fear..I wish you the very best
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Sas-schatzi, I love your retort.......I was so blown away by the comment (" I hope that you're still alive the next time I see you") that my mind went numb and nothing came out of my mouth. Personally I admire the way your sister handles situations; if only my wit were as quick.
Hymil, I thank you for another good retort........why is it I can only think of things to say way after the incident?? Never was any good at a rapid comeback. You can bet I will not enter into any conversation with her again, however should it be unavoidable, I have a few answers under my belt now.
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I see there are already suggestions to read the OMG They Found a Cure for Stupid Thread...if you haven't been there yet...it will be very theraputic...and yes, you really need to start from the begnning and get ready...it's really good...
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crazie kitties, i was cracking up over your first post and then i read the "yes bitch that's how we found it"...my laptop is shaking i'm laughing so hard.
anna, i'm so sorry you went through that..as everyone --well, okay, almost everyone-- is posting, ignorance and stupidity are everywhere! but here, we find the friendship and laughs.
when i was first diagnosed, i was in the cafeteria at work (i am a clinical social worker in an ER) and one of our physician associates joined the dinner line. when she spied me, she rushed over and in front of approximately 6 other employees, cried loudly, "Oh my God, I just heard! Are you advanced stage? Oh my God, Ihope not, you have young kids, right?"
God help me, I just started giggling uncontrollably. I knew instinctively it was that, or rip her a new one. I managed to sputter, "Oh, I don't really know, yeah, I have kids" and took my food tray to the cashier.
I also HATE it when folks lecture me about sugar and cancer. Fine for researchers/oncs and my BC sisters, but the guy at the natural food store? My cousin, who smokes and drinks? Um, no thanks.
this thread is great. and yes, i'm a big fan of "ignore thismember" button. just saying.
hugs
janyce
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