INSOMNIACS place to talk in the wee hours

susan3

I believe it was a piece of equipment to catch logs going off path. Many died using that apara

susan3

that last word was apparatus...

feelingfeline

Can believe that. This kind are definitely safer

susan3

you are so right ...lol

magdalene51

Well. Here I am again. I never really left, of course, but I had a beast of a January, and February's not been much of an improvement. Living with constant unrelenting pain (pre-BC) I eventually reach a point where I just don't want to feel anything (emotionally) because it seems like it will just overwhelm me. Like holding my breath as the wave goes over so I won't drown.

Last night when Sassy and I talked (2 hours and 16 minutes!!!) she called it depression, and I suppose it is, a kind of depression. But when I was young, from about 11 till my mid 30s, I had clinical suicidal depression; multiple attempts, committed several times, in and out of therapy. At the age of 35 I sat on the back stoop of my duplex watching the dawn. It was March 17, St. Patrick's Day. And I looked up and said, "You aren't going to let me do it, are you?" I swear I heard God laughing. I don't hold it against him though. I realized that suicide was (for me at least) a coping mechanism. I had been hurt so many times, so badly, betrayed by those I loved (physically, verbally & sexually abused as a child, and divorced twice at that point) that suicide had become my way out, my back door. When I came to the conclusion that it would never happen, I put it aside. I've been tempted since, oh so tempted to find a way out of the pain, physical now, but that door is shut and locked down tight with a "DO NOT ENTER" sign taped on it.

This depression is so very different. What I said above, I feel like I'm in an ocean of pain and if one more drop got added it would wash me away. (Aren't I so creative with the metaphors and similes?) So I just clam up. And then eventually I can't feel anything, emotionally. Doesn't work with the physical pain unfortunately. But at some level they're all linked together.

Sassy reached in and pulled me out. Still hard to talk about. Had to go in the other room last night as DH was sitting near me and I really can't share this with him, much as I wish I could.

What a bummer of a post. Someone post something cute quickly.

Loveroflife

sas-schatzi

hold on !

Loveroflife

Mags, your post brought tears. I tried once during my teen years. Got as close to opening the bottle of some over the counter med. The devil didn't succeed. Thought about my parents and siblings. Peer pressure, sexual abuse, and being bullied at school among other things. Chronic pain, both emotionally and physically, will push you to the dark place. A few weeks ago I was feeling really overwhelmed (not sure why). Found nail marks all over my left hands when I looked down. Explaination?? I guess it's my mind's way of distracting me from 'pain'. I now somewhat understand people who cut themselves. In a weird way, it felt good at the time because that pain overrides the other pain. Not sure how else to explain it. Now you know some of my secret. Don't worry I have not cut myself.

susan3

mags, I'm sorry. I get depressed, but never more than a three day crash. We all handle stuff so differently. I hope you have a good counselor to talk to. Mine really helped. As a hairdresser, I have seen a lot of people in counseling. The ones who got better, did what the counselor said to do. I know that sounds simple, but we, for some reason, fight against what is good for us. If we actively and intentionally do the process of a well guided counselor, it does help. But we need to move ourselves out of the way. I do hope and pray you find your way back to joy. And I truly mean joy. Joy can last forever, even in bad times. I have joy in the Lord, no Matter my situations. Happiness is a good hair day. That is fleeting, we need joy.

I do pray you find it mags.....especially with one of Chevys coke concoctions.....love and peace to you

Cubbie2015

(((Mags))) No words of wisdom, just sympathy. I hope someone can figure out something so you are not in so much pain.

feelingfeline

For Mags.

sas-schatzi

Loverly, Thanks sweetie for sharing. Know it was tough for you to write that. Been there and the hardest thing is to share. Now come here and let me put my arms around you. Bless you.

magdalene51

Loverly, ((((((((hugs)))))))) it doesn't really get easier, does it? Wish I could just reach through the screen and hug you. Alas.

Susan, I did have counseling, therapy, psychiatric care, dozens of times, through the years. My best therapy came from journaling. Therapists never asked me the right questions and I was locked up so tight in my shell, all I knew was that I was hurting, and I didn't really know why. I do know the Lord, and I have peace if not quite joy. There was a time when I did, but no more. Have I ever shared this with you?

magdalene51

😭

feelingfeline

Beautiful.

Spookiesmom

awwwwwwMags, many, many hugs.

Chevyboy

Hi Mags.... Wish there were something I could say to make you feel better.... You have been through so much! You and Loverly..... It's a wonder some of us make it... when looking back. There has to be a reason.... a purpose for our lives.... Sometimes it's so hard to figure it out.... Just know we are here for you all....

Got my car back from the Chevy Dealer.... Everything is okay now... 4 re-call issues, that I ignored.... But they fixed some other things.... like the cam cover, changed the oil, filter.... checked fluids, and a new ambient air sensor.... and the check engine light is off! OFF!!!!

Just cost me $305.00.... I was so relieved!

DH just can't work on the cars like he used to..... Way too technical.... but it's all done now.

I love "The Thorn" Mags.... thank-you......... xoxo

Spookiesmom

Hmmmmm 4 ignored recalls. Not good! Not safe!! I'm not happy with Chevrolet right now. Mine needed an oil change. Yes ma'm that will be 49.95. WHAT I don't think so. Took it to another place, big sign out front oil change 18.95. Nope, Chev says your car needs a special oil, it's 59.95. By now I'm boiling. Took it to a Nissan dealer. Finally got somebody who knew something. Seems Chev DID say that, but it's only for the high performance cars, Vetts and Camaros. Mine sure isn't high performance LOL!

So when finished with it the guy says have any coupons? Yes, for 15.99. And that's what he charged me. And they ordered an extra filter for me for next time!

susan3

mags, so sweet and so sad at the same time. I was lucky to have people enter my life and help me when I needed it. Don't know why i was lucky enough to to be graced by their presence. I pray this could happen for everyone, but it doesn't. Don't know why??

I feel so blessed with those that God has put before me, but always feel the need to apologize because so many are struggling and in so much pain, when can they get relief? I pray for their relief and peace and joy etc etc etc. my list is long..and all you ladies are on it.

Peace, comfort, and love to you all.

Susa

Spookiesmom

Susan have you thought about letting her hair grow into a topknot? You can't see, there are 4 tiny rubber bands holding her hair out of her face.

Spookiesmom

These. I get at Sally's Beauty Supply. 100 for $1.00

susan3

I should video her shaking her head at those thins...pretty funny. Maybe I will try again. I have them

Teka

Mags, pain continues to drag you down the rabbit hole!

I hope pain relief.

Lookforward

hi everyone

I have been reading your posts for awhile and thought I would join you ladies.

Sorry to read that some of you are having a rough time, I hope things turn around for you soon.

I noticed in January that I was feeling a little sad at times and realized it was not depression , but that cancer had taken my sense of well being away and that is something that we all have to learn to live with. Life goes on and so will I.

My dog who is fifteen years old and looks a little like Susan dog , except chubbier . He had inflamed discs in his back a few weeks ago, with meds he was doing better within a few days. Last Friday he slipped coming down the stairs and was limping for a few days. We took him back to the vet yesterday and he has a torn ligament. Because of his age the vet did not think surgery was a good idea. It will take 4-6 weeks to heal. His is very attached to me and follows me everywhere, he is not to climb stairs so it means I have to carry a 25 pound dog up and down. It a good thing I have been lifting weights (very light) every day lol

Jazzygirl

sas-schatzi

Hi Lookie, oops Chevy does the nicknames Hi LookForward Welcome here. Sorry your baby is hurting. It's never easy. If you have been lurking then you know they'res lots of us and we take care of each other. Don't let it overwhelm you. Don't think you need to write long posts and talk to everyone. Only Chevy's up to that. Hugs

sas-schatzi

Jazzy, Happy what? Pretty too.

Teka

Lookforward, welcome to the thread.

Jazzy, happy bugs seem to be smiling!!

susan3

looked. I carry mine up and down steps. Depth perception went last year. She is 15 too. She gets an anti inflammatory in the morning with a quarter of a tramadol. It works like a charm. Otherwise getting out of the bed is rough.

Loveroflife

Welcome Lookfoward!! I am glad you look forward and not backward. But, wait we do learn from looking backward, don't we? I do believe we have quite a few lurkers here. Every so often people come out like a hermit crab....which is ok. Right Eeyore??

JunieB, cute bib! We have a lot of talented ladies here.

Is there a time when your little Spookie doesn't look cute?

Ms. Sas, the storm came in the middle of the night with heavy wind and rain. Mitzy was right!!