Middel aged wife with breast cancer and I'm new at this

georgebc

Guys or girls,

Please help me. My wife was diagnosed about 6 weeks ago----stage IIB breast cancer. She found the lump herself.

 A few weeks ago she had a mastectomy (1 side) and she will soon start chemo. There are lots of details which I can fill in and I will do it if you want to know.

 Overall, her prognosis, is relatively good, but nobody really knows for sure and overall I'm scared to death.

 We are both 55 with 3 grown children. We've been married for 31 years and have been together for 35 years. We met in college and iI love her more than anything in the whole wide world. I can say that but I don't know if you'll understand.

She is not going to die this year or next year or hopefully even the year after that. But beyond that I'm terrified.

 As she enters treatment, I truly don't know what to expect. My wife is not the sentimental type, but I'm they kind of guy who will bring my wife flowers for no reason. I'm a real romantic.

 But I don't know whats going to happen during this treatment period. I'm really scared that the woman I love is going to go into this treatment as one person, and might emerge as another person on the other end.  Which could change our relationship forever.

Sorry if I sound like a wimp, but I'm terrified and I hope I can talk to someone else who has been through all of this.

Beanius

Hi George,

I'm 53 and was diagnosed last year with stage 2 invasive breast cancer. My husband has been as huge support as it sounds like you are for your wife. It is really scary at first, but I promise you that as time goes by you will start to feel better about it all. I was completely healthy before and also found it myself. It was a huge shock and same for my husband. We don't have kids so we are very close to each other.

I completed chemo and radiation in December. One thing that I have realized is how much modern medicine has to offer. From the get go I was told that this is highly survivable and so many of my doctors have been confident and have given me confidence. There are no guarantees, but there never were about the future.

You do not sound like a wimp at all and I think you sound like a wonderful husband.

Chemo is very doable these days. I was extremely terrified but as I got going with it there was nothing I couldn't handle. I had 6 cycles of CMF which meant 2 infusions per cycle and a series of cytoxan pills. I was able to do almost all of my normal routine, including about an hour of exercise a day. The main thing was I got more tired than usual, so I added in a nap each day.

If I can be of any help to you or your wife please let me know, I'd be glad to give any details of how I coped. Stage 2 is early stage and this is where is most easily treated. She has a lot going for her.

My husband and I have only grown closer through all of this too. Each day is so special.

The other people at BCO have helped me so much and I hope you will find this to be helpful also.

Best wishes to you, your wife and family,

Jean

AmyIsStrong

Dear George  - I am so sorry you and your beloved wife are going through this. The depth of your love for her and commitment to her, your very BOND with her comes through loud and clear in your writing. You are so fortunate to have one another and to have shared all these wonderful years together. And there is no reason not to expect that you will have many more years together in the future!

However, this is a big ordeal to go through.  So here are my thoughts on your questions.

Yes, this is about her body, but it is about BOTH of you together. So keep the lines of communication open.  Ask her how you can best support her at any given time. "What can I do for you right now to make it easier?" are some of the best words you can say. She may respond "Let me sleep a while" or "Let's watch a movie together" or "Please make me some tea" or who knows what. But if you ASK, and she is honest, you will know how to help/support her at any given moment. 
I will tell you one thing that was hard for us in the beginning. I was VERY freaked out when I was first diagnosed. i spent HOURS on the phone with all types of breast cancer women (survivors, support organizations etc) trying to get my feet under me. My husband actually felt excluded and a little jealous. He felt he was losing me. But it was just a brief phase, and passed in a few weeks and things went back to normal between the two of us after that.

You (or she) can join the chemo group that starts in April and get lots of support from other women who are on the same timetable as you are. it really helps.
My cancer center had an 8 week support group for couples that we attended and it was REALLY helpful. My husband isn't the therapy type AT ALL, but he got a lot out of it. Maybe something like that is available. 

I am 2 years from my diagnosis (3-09) and finished my treatment last May. (5-10).  It was challenging but over the past months, life has realy returned to normal. Would I say I am different/changed?  Well, in some ways yes. Here's how:
I discovered the strength inside me that I thought was there but was unproven. Now I know I can handle anything. I am more intentional about how I spend my time/energy/money. I don't take life for granted - I am thoughtful and strategic on how to spend those things, whereas before I would get buried in my routine, work too hard, and months would pass before I knew it. Now I try to make them count. Our marriage is wonderful - we were happy before, but are even more appreciative of what we have. My children (grown) appreciate me more and don't take me for granted.

Please don't think I am saying that cancer was a gift or a blessing. I HATE cancer and I hate when people say that. BUT - some good things have come out of going through it - if that makes sense.

There is a thread I saw recently that was called 'how to help my wife through treatment' or something like that.  It had a lot of good suggestions. it was a young family with a small child, so all suggestions might not be relevant. But you might get something out of it.

Re not knowing how long she has (you said: She is not going to die this year or next year or hopefully even the year after that), I can say that for me, I've become more accepting of the fact that NONE of us knows how long we have.  It might sound crazy, but you sort of get used to this.We are going to trust that her (and all of our) treatments will be successful and she will remain cancer free for the rest of her life and die an old lady of something other than bc (that is MY goal!). But we really don't know.

I'll tell you something funny my husband said. After we got through treatmnet and everything was good, he said "Well, now that you're better, we can go back to the plan of having you stand over my grave, which is what we planned all along." I said "Oh, was THAT the plan?" But I realized that he had always envisioned that he would go first, and the diagnosis terrified him of losing me (which is how you are feeling now). But when we got to the other side of it, he relaxed enough to figure he could go back to figuring he would go first again.  That whole conversation just struck me as very funny.  But I shared it to make the point that in the beginning the fears are SO real, and yet, as you adjust to the new reality, and start to work your way through treatment, you DO get used to it (as unbelievable as that seems to you now) and you realize that you CAN do this and you WILL make it - together.

Please feel free to PM me (send a private message) if you have any other questions or just want to talk. I know there are a few books for bc husbands - I don't know what they are but they were mentioned in that other thread I referenced. I am going to try to find a link to that thread and paste it in here for you.

Hang in there. Hold on to one another. You can do this.

Amy

AmyIsStrong

Here is the thread I mentioned about how to help your wife.

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/6/topic/766723?page=1#idx_29 

Start at the beginning and read through. It is only 2 pages at this point. It does have some good suggestions as well as the title of a book for bc husbands.

Amy

Edited to fix the link.

karen1956

George....get the book Breast Cancer Husband....my hubby read it shortly after my Dx....Its been 5 years since my Dx and to be honest, I'm not the same person I was before, but neither is my husband....BC is a life changing experience, but it doesn't have to be a negative experience.....When I was Dx, we had been married 29 years....I was looking forward to my 50th bday...well 5 years later, we are married 33 years and I will be 55 next month...We're still raising children...they are 13, and next month 22 and 25.....

You wife is a survivor but you are a co-survivor...and she is lucky to have a caring husband

georgebc

Almost 15 years ago, my wife and I came inches from a divorce. The stresses of work and difficult young children nearly brought us to the breaking point. Luckily, with hard work and determination, we pulled it back together----not without a great deal of pain at the time. We could have easily rolled over and just become another divorce statistic. But we didnt'. And Its one of our proudest accomplishments. 

 Even though it was a long time ago, I sitll think about it almost every day. 

 And I treasure this marriage more than you could ever believe. At the time of the "almost divorce", I felt as if I had suffered a death. I'm told thats not an uncommon feeling. 

 I'm not saying she's going to die now----but I have the same fear now that I did when we almost got divorced. 

 I make plenty of mistakes, and she makes plenty of mistakes, too-----although neither of us like to admit it :-); . I'm not the perfect husband and she's not the perfect wife. But the thought of possibly losing her is horrifying. 

 She starts chemo this week. And although not guaranteed, the liklihood of success is good. I'll be there for her uncondtionally.  I may not be perfect. I may have my bad days. But I'll be there.Over the last 5 or so years, she has had some non-cancerous growths removed from her breast via surgery. That terrified me too. Because although they turned out to not be cancerous, we didn't know it at the time. 

 We' are not perfect, but we've built a life together.  I'm so scared of change. The most important thing right now is that she become healthy again. Everything else is secondary. But I'm so scared of what this whole process will do to our marriage. 

georgebc

My wife decided to get the clincial trial of getting 12 hits of T versus the 4 hits of T. Any comments from people who went through this to know what the side effects were?