MAMA NEVER SAID THERE'D BE DAYS LIKE THESE.

Anonymous

It's been awhile sistas since I've been here over the last month or so.  But this is definitely where I want to be when I feel like this.  Conflicted, confused, guilty, ugly, in pain, tired, all the time, lazy, didn't do my excersises all week.  Cheated and had red meat and a glass of wine, felt guilty afterward.  And I am really depressed especially seeing the Breastcancer Avon walk commercial asking for registration.  Oh stay away pink ribbons.  Mabye it's just been a really long winter and if i start planting my pansies and tulips I'll feel better.  I'm Isolating big time.  I really dread an up coming family engagement party for some cousin in law's daughter.  All nice people as family goes, but big on the stupid statements about my BC issues.... First :HOW DO YOU FEEL???  Oh, don't we just love that constant greeting.?? Half the time I don't want to answer them becuase i feel like shit, but "oh you look so good"  I don't feel that way.  I feel like I'm drying up like a prune.  I hate my face.  It's changed so much since chemo and hormonals.  Has anyone taken a 2 week break off their hormonal? I wanted to have a few good days without it.  Didn't tell my onc.   I hate feeling like a 90 year old woman, when I look like a young 50 yr./   All this feeling makes me feel to be no longer as relevent as I used to be and feel about myself.  That's the thing this disease has done to me. I'm not relevant.   Barb

karen1956

(((((((((((((((((((((((BARB)))))))))))))))))))))))))

voraciousreader

I'm sorry you feel down in the dumps.  Perhaps this book will help you feel better:

http://www.amazon.com/What-Wear-Rest-Your-Life/dp/0446534943#_

I know.  I am so lame because I always recommend that someone READ something.  But I think this is a good book for you to read.  It's about a gal who got divorced in her 50's and how she came to terms with her appearance.  I know divorce and cancer are not the same.  But she really has great insights into her feelings...and other women's feelings that she quotes as well. Her feelings are refreshing to read about and her ideas on how to correct one's self is spot on!

Regarding that look that people give you when then ask, "How are you feeling?"  Come on over to the Goddesses of the Bonfire thread and throw those words in the fire!  You'll feel a lot better when you dump those words.  When someone asks ME how I'm feeling, I just answer, "How are you?"  I made it my business when I was diagnosed, NOT to tell anyone outside of my immediate family that I had treatment for breast cancer.  So, thankfully, most people don't ask me how I'm feeling.  I have a bum shoulder that needs surgery next month that I DID tell most people about, and, again thankfully, my friends and family rarely ask how THAT is.  However, since I've had many, many surgeries on many parts of my body, the only question I keep getting asked is, "Again?"  And the look on THEIR faces when they ask me, "Again" I want to slap them silly!  As though it's my fault that I need all of this surgery!  "Again," along with the word, "Recurrence"... went into the bonfire.  I feel better now that they did.

Hang in there!  My thoughts and prayers are with you

Bugs

Hugs, Barb!  I'm sorry you had a bad day.  I hope today you feel better.

elmcity69

((((barb)))).

i've been staying away from these boards because i simply cannot stand the ongoing debates about every single damn issue. but i'm glad i checked in today, only if to let you know we do understand. i'm keeping you close in thought and prayer today.

i know what you mean by relevance. I think even our closest, most loyal loved ones, "forget" that this never leaves us, truly. i am cancer free since october 2009, but think every day about how to stay healthy or what i would do to help my children (13 and 10) remember me the best they could if i die young.

on a more vapid note: if you can, do something entirely frivolous for yourself. a facial, a massage, a ridiculously expensive face cream. even a pedicure with shocking blue polish (i did a periwinkle color before last week's surgery, and it helped!)

anyway, i know the words are inadequate. thinking of you.....

love,

janyce

thefuzzylemon

((((HUGS)))) It has been a really long winter ... plant those flowers (today if you can) ... I recently planted my garden seeds and I check on those things like 80 times a day ... but they are started to form and it makes me happy ...

Keep updating us ... keep writing out your thoughts ... you are very expressive and maybe it will help if you keep talking about it ...

jenn3

(((HUGS)))) Some days, weeks, months or years are harder than others.  Don't feel guilty for eating or drinking something you enjoyed.  Enjoy the moment. 

Plant your garden, enjoy the sunshine and maybe some of those nasty aches and pains will go away and your mood will be lifted.

americanpinay

Oh, Barb. Hope you feel better soon. Jenn is right...away with the guilt! I hope I didn't fight BC to eat only broccoli for the rest of my life. Sherri, I'm reading the Anti-Cancer Diet book and it says a glass of red wine a day is good. Hmmnnn...I only have wine once or twice a week maybe I should up consumption?  Cheers!

jennyboog

We're all entilted to a glass a wine and a steak, cheeseburger or whatever else puts a smile on our face at that time.  I love the brownie I ate last night and treat myself once in a while.  Guilt does show up sometimes so, I know what you mean but I'm not living what time I got left eating lettuce & water.   We're due some enjoyment.  I hope your day gets better sweetie...good vibes going your way.

caaclark

Barb-

I hear ya and understand!!!  I think that the NJ weather (I am in Mercer County) is making everyone feel down.  I know that's not all of it but when the weather gets warmer I bet you will feel better.  Almost everyone I know seems cranky this week.

Also, I think we all go through these ups and downs.  No advice for you, really, just that I understand. 

sandiddstn

Barb, hope your week gets better...Prayers are with you.

 I have a couple questions to ask, if it is alright.  I  am feeling...a little depressed and my onc has prescribed effexor.  I want to know if anyone has taken this med and what are the SE's and should I take it at night or in the morning?   Any info would be appreciated... And if you do take it, how does it make you feel?   

diana50

barb...hugs.  there will be better days ahead.  i think the first couple of years of this stuff is just so hard.  the diagnosis and treatment ....my friends and family tell me i have the "cancer face":  ...actually, i am thinner in the face...a little more drawn...it is all the treatment and the hormone treatment.  it is a fact of our life now; we have changed physically.  our bodies are different and our faces. 

i wish i could tell you something that would help but the thing is. we are changed forever since the cancer diagnosis and treatment.  there has to be a time where you kinda accept it....understand that being alive is the bottom line and find joy in each day.  it is a process.,  it takes a long time. 

just don't give up. keep posting. we are all in this together. 

HUGS

Annie62

Barb,

 I totally hear you about the aging appearance. There is a spa in Woodbridge that specializes in services for women with breast cancer. IN additon to wigs/mastecomy products, they do facials and makeup etc. It may be just what the doctor ordered. I have been there myself, but may go as a treat when I'm done with treatment. The website is: angelic-care.com

If possible, you may want to get the word out through family, that you want to focus attention on the engage couple, and have a night off from thinking about this and would prefer not to discuss at the party. It may reduce the number of "how are you doing' enquiries. At one point after I was done with the treatment the first time, I would just answer with a 'Well thanks.' and change the subject.  The enquiries reduced. I only would get the occasional question from those is see infrequently. It can be a simple, 'and how are your' or you can say something like 'Well the damn snow caused a leak and we need to paint the kitchen........" Change that subject.

Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon,

Annie

pupfoster1

(((Barb))),

I'm sorry you are having a tough time.  I'm living in denial right now and have been eating and drinking whatever I want.  I know I need to cut back on the sugar, but damn it, where's the balance between being vigilant, and being obsessive?  

I hate what the chemo did to my face too.  Seems as though my jaw area in particular seemed to have pruned up.  Was not like that before.  I just keep trying to tell myself at least I'm still here, right?

For me personally I don't feel comfortable going off my Tamoxifen unless I have to, which I did for 2 weeks prior to recon surgery.  To be honest with you I didn't see any difference, so why chance it?  Better check w/your onc before testing the waters.

(((HUGS)))) to you Barb, hang in there, this too shall pass.

Love,

Sharon