April 2011 chemo

artiecat

Windlass....there is no question that this is hard and it sounds like you have a rough  protocol.  I watched part of the PBS show on the Buddha the other night (admit to fallng asleep!).  But it reminded me that sometimes we have to feel that we have lost everything to begin building again and to reset the path of our journey.

Not an ugly hag - a phoenix rising from the ashes!

Please hang tight!  We are all with you in this battle!  Warrior women!

pawprintgirl24

so sorry everyone is feeling bad. i normally have a great atitude but i feel like crap and i think for the first time i am saying it!! i have been trying to be happy but this does just suck!!!thanks artiecat for the reference! i needed that too. just going through the whole can't taste anything and the acid burning in my throat!!

we are warriors and one day we will rise out of these ashes!!!

Merilee

Oh Windlass honey, your post made me feel so sad. Maybe you can ask your doc for some Lorizopam. I discovered this while having a great deal of anxiety when I was having my bilateral. It really seems to help me and maybe it will help you too. It is certainly worth a try.

There is no hag in the mirror just a lovely soul who's body has been through hell and survived. Congrats on getting #4 done. Now is your chance to redefine yourself and your life as well if needed. Keep your chin up and march forward and know that lots of us are wishing you healing and loving thoughts.

Hugs

Merilee

profbee

Hey everybody! 

I'm 8 weekly treatments into my 16 of Taxol/Lapatinib! wooo hooo!  (AC to start after surgery) Halfway!!!  I'm over that awful stomach bug, feeling like myself again, but definitely experiencing fatigue. I'm 39 and ER+ and HER 2 +,and yeah...it's a long haul of treatment, but I am glad that they're throwing everything they can at it.

Windlass--definitely look into some anti-anxiety meds. It helps, and it doesn't zonk you out or anything. You just feel more okay.  You can do this.  It's all temporary. It seems like it's endless when you're in it, but it's not. We're going to get well and this will be a distant memory. I just read an article in Good Housekeeping (My mother-in-law left it at my house) on Michael J Fox. He said his Parkinson's Disease made him let go of vanity. I totally chuckled. Yeah.  When I think of how I wouldn't go to work without makeup, my hair done, and heels! The other day I stopped by the office for something in yoga pants, makeup-free,and BALD.    A colleague didn't recognize me!  LOL. Look in the mirror less and smile--it makes ALL the difference.

Lots of love to you all.  Hang in there!!

BernieEllen

Hi to everyone, no teeth, no hair.  Little girl at work yesterday said my face had gone all nice and soft. I don't have any children but I work in a garden centre, pet shop and it's comments like that from the little ones that keep me going.

geocachelinda

I forgot to tell everyone I got my new Foob on Saturday!  Woohoooo!

geocachelinda

Windlass, there is no ugly hag in the mirror unless it is a portal into my house..  LOL!  I know those low feelings.  I have them too.  I saw some pictures my husband took of me yesterday and I looked like I was 11 months pregnant!  I was so disgusted!  I really need to start doing something about my weight.  Not healthy! 

Merilee

Funny you should say that you feel like you look pregnant Geocachelin. I just said that to my doctor on Friday. One of the side effects with the TC is bloating and gas and I swear I look pregnant.

Not a chance for real LOL but I was eyeballing some maternity pants because of the elastic front. I was tempted just for the comfort. #3 is tomorrow for me. I have a huge box of side effect remedies ready and preventative schedule as well.

Bright spot. My daughter is coming to see me on Friday from Chattanooga. Can't wait to  get a hug from my baby girl. (23):)

artiecat

Hope #3 goes well, Merilee!

Merilee

Windlass

It has been several days since you posted anything. Are you OK?

Anonymous

Hi, Merilee and artiecat and KG and everyone else - thanks for asking about me. I had several days where I could barely drag myself through the day, but I am sort of on the mend. People can't get through this without support, is what I am learning. And my support structures are not what they should be. Ativan helps when it gets too dark to see. Love to all.

CarlaB76

I'm glad you checked in, Windlass...you've been on my mind.

Merilee

Windlass, I agree with you that this experience can be very enlightening about one's life, such as you stated you realize that your support structure is not what if should be. Now that you do realize it, you can change it. Let us be part of it too.

Sarah246

HI Everyone

Yesterday was Chemo day. More drama with the port. For a second time Chemo was put through the arm or they  were going to send me home without it. Of course they couldn't find a vein for an hour to put the Chemo through. Glad #3 is done.

Windlass: So glad to see you post again. I was just devastated by your post. Hang in there girlfriend.

Merilee: I agree with you and Windlass also. My support structure has not been what it should be. My husband opened an online-gift shop to help with some of my medical bills and asked family members to buy something even if they spent 10 dollars, that it would help us. Only my mother has purchased something and I have a big family. Shocking, yet at the same time I feel guilty for expecting anything monetary. My husband says I should not feel guilty.

Geocachelinda:  Me and you both with the weight problem, I'm so fat and must lose some weight. I have decided to start a diet and work out. I tried to avoid looking in the mirror but it has benefited me to look at myself in the mirror.

Today I feel well, but tomorrow is nuelasta day, never feel good after that drug.

Merilee

I AM IN THE THRONE AGAIN TODAY GETTING FLUIDS AND THEN NEULASTA.

artiecat

I have lost 12 pounds!  However, I do have the bloated belly thing!

Lessons I have learned so far:

- there are many unexpected people  around me who love me

-best friends arent always best friends

-I need to be more social and have more connections

-I am indeed a strong warrior.

artiecat

Oh - BTW - I feel like crap - zero WBC again.  And I just dont feel good in my core.

Merilee

Articat yes you are warrior! Hang in there. Sleep is good for when you feel like shit.

Sarah246

Articat: I need to be more social also. Sorry you feel so bad. Sometime a massage helps if you have someone to give you one. The small things in life, looking at flowesr or watching birds and butterflies makes you  feel good for a little while. Just ignore this if it  sounds stupid, I do have chemo brain.

profbee

Hey women.  It's great to see you all being so supportive.  I check in and read up all the time.  I have some GREAT news to share, and maybe it will be inspiring too.  Today I got my 9th Taxol/Lapatinib treatment (out of 16), and when I was examined by my oncologist, SHE COULDN'T FIND MY TUMOR!!!!!!  It had shrunk last month from 4 cm by 3.5 to 3 by 3 (measured on the outside), and now she couldn't even find it at all.  WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!  The chemo is working.  The exhaustion and complete interruption of my life in many ways is all worth it.  I'm getting healthy, and I'll likely have a lumpectomy instead of a mastectomy!  I'm riding this high today.  

Here's to us all hearing similar news soon! 

Sarah246

Congradulations Profbee

That is indeed good news and very inspiring. It gives us hope that things can get better.

Glad you shared with us.

ginger_mea

Well... I am glad to read all the big belly comments, I have been wondering why my weight is the same, I'm not over eating (not this week anyway) but I have this belly thing going on.  So this is from the treatment????? Please tell me it goes away???  Besides the way it looks, its uncomfortable!!!

artiecat

YAY Profbee!!!!!!

profbee

Thanks!  Yeah, I guess that's a plus of having the chemo before surgery.  I get to SEE that the chemo is working.  Let's have faith that this work we're doing is paying off for all of us.   

louis13

profbee. congratulations! i have been not posting much on this forum, but i am having chemo first too ...i am wondering, what do they excise for the lumpectomy if there is no tumor there anymore? how does the bs approach it?? do they take out the original amount, or what???? just curious how they do it, rosemary

profbee

I'm not exactly sure, Rosemary.  I'll meet with my surgeon again on the 14th and I'll find out the details.  (My original surgeon is going to be too pregnant to do my surgery.  LOL)  I know they take out enough to make sure they get a good margin in case there's anything there, and then they slice it all up and check it out to make sure there is no cancer left in there at all.  But that is why they put the little marker in there so they'd know they got the right spot even if there isn't any tumor there anymore.  I would guess they'd take out less than originally planned.  I mean, my tumor was too big to do a lumpectomy at first--it would have been a mastectomy b/c there was invasion.  So, it's got to be less.  How much though, I don't know.  That's one of my questions for the surgeon.  My breasts aren't very big so I wonder what'll be left! 

louis13

thanks for the reply profbee...this was my original plan with having chemo first ie to have a lumpectomy..i actually argued with my bs why dont they give it first to everyone( who needs chemo) , i mean, better cosmetic result and you are treated systemically straight away when it is known tumor was invasive and this is always the primary concern..  but then for me,  in amongst the zillion biopsies they did on me (cos of dense breasts and MRI results) , they did find another tiny tumor and since it is 3-4 cm away from the big tumor, that kind of changed the gameplan cos no matter how much my tumor shrinks, they distance between the two tumors sites does not, and this along with margins, would not be a good look...still, i am curious about it all. my tumor has shrunk too, and sometimes i get very rebellious and in my thinking start to apply how they treat other cancers, and wonder why we have to have any surgery at all, if nothing left...that is just sometimes i wonder that btw ..othertimes i am more easily scared/cautious about it all!

profbee

I know what you mean.  It's all so hard to wrap my head around.  I keep asking why people do mastectomies if they can do lumpectomies and there is no difference in prognosis.  I just feel like I'm missing some information. I totally understand the desire to get rid of the cancer and the desire for nice, pretty, matching breasts, but I feel like there must be some clinical medical reasons that I'm not getting.  They keep saying it wouldn't help my prognosis to have a mastectomy.  I do wonder what the cosmetic result will be.  I'm 39 and married, but I'll miss my boobs (they're real and they're fabulous--is that what Courtney Cox said on Seinfeld? lol.) even if it's a lumpectomy.  My lump is at the bottom and I heard that doesn't "fill in" as well as if it was at the top.  But, I'll ask about it.  I don't want to go through major surgery (mastectomy) if I don't have to.  I've got a little boy at home and my job pays more at our home, so that's important to me too.  

 It sounds like your choice is being made for you.  But yeah, I keep thinking of the ONE cell that could be left behind to grow and I get scared too.   

If you're really interested in the cancer treatments, etc. I'm reading this cool book "The Emperor of all Maladies" by Siddhartha Mukherjee.  It's a biography of cancer.  It sounds rather dry, but it's really a page turner!  I'm totally interested.  You may want to check it out.   

CarlaB76

Profbee...way excellent news!  And you too Louis13!  Nice to hear that the poison is working as it should.  It does make it worth it to hear your good progress.  I have that book (Emperor of all Maladies) on my kindle.  I had it queued up before my diagnosis and have been too "cancered out" to read it as yet.  Good to know that it's excellent, especially from the perspective of someone going through this journey.

Hang tough, fellow warrior women!

artiecat

I, too, am having chemo prior to surgery, then radiation (which scares me more than chemo!).  My tumor appears to be shrinking as well.  The tumor sits just off the nipple, which makes the surgery "disfiguring" according to the surgeon...heck, isnt losing a whole breast a bit disfiguring!!!  I think some of the decision about lump vs mast concerns the type of cancer.  I see my surgeon again in July.

I have heard good things about the book too!  I agree Carla - I am cancered out too - jsut want some good old mindless mystery!