years later and still fatigued

sherry35

So I'm 4 years out and i'm not sure if i am "lazy" as suggested or still fatigued. I went back to work full time 41/2 months after finishing chemo. I had a recurrance at my 2 year mark and had 25 rads treatments. I went back to work full time a month after completing rads.

Some days I feel like I went back too early. Some days I don't think about it at all. Alot of days I am tired. I don't want to make the decision of what to cook for dinner let alone cook it. I'm off on weekends and usually take Saturday to recharge my batteries and do my errands and chores on Sunday. I'm no Molly Maid. I don't wash my windows more than once a year and i don't mop my floors every 3 days. I do all of the finances for the house and my husband's business. I buy the groceries, laundry, taking care of the pets, make the bed, all on a regular basis. I occasionally clean the bathrooms, do the dishes when i get sick of looking at them, dust when i can see it and or cobwebs.

What is wrong with me? Or is it wrong with someone else. I just think that sometimes there are more important things in life than dishes or mopping the floor. They will still be there when i get around to them. My husband disagrees. He thinks i'm lazy and that i don't give a shit about my house. This makes me mad.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. Does anyone else still have fatigue this long out? Thanks for letting me vent.

Sherry

curecx2011

Hi Sherry-

I am not sure of anyone having fatigue that lone. was your reoccurance4 years ago, or was that recently. I know this journey is tiring.. But are you depressed, as this will make you tired too. You should speak with your DR.  

chrissyb

Hi Sherry, I have a big problem with fatigue.  Usually when I get really bad my doc always checks my Vit D and B12 levels.  They usually need tweeking and after I feel so much better.  Perhaps yours need to be checked?  Good luck.

Love n hugs.  Chrissyb

mrsnjband

Hi Sherry,

I am 3 1/2 from dx, even 2 1/2 years from the end of treatment I am still tired on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others but I am still tired.  I have low RBC & WBC counts.  I think that attributes to the tiredness.  I work FT & pay all bills  & sometimes the laundry.  DH does most of the cooking & we hire someone to clean.   That is my life.  NJ

Cat123

I am still going through chemo and hope the fatigue ends.  Maybe try a naturopath to help you with energy and fatigue?  That is what I am planning to do.

Char2010

I finished chemo June 2010 and rads at the end of August.  Worked full-time through the whole thing and still do.  But am tired ALL the time.

pickle

Sherry, Sorry to hear about your ongoing fatigue. It sounds like you do a lot., working, groceries, cleaning, cooking, laundry. Does your hubby help with things around the house? Perhaps you did go back to work before you were physically and emotionally ready. Also, maybe there is a chance that you haven't resolved a lot of the emotional issues that comes with cancer. I sought counselling to deal with some things and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I still have days where I am down in the dumps and completely drained but overall things have improved.

Do you do things outside the house with friends, socialize, movies etc?

Good idea to get checked by your doctor and ask him to check vit D as well as B12.

A good brisk walk and moderate exercise can boost your energy levels.


Take care
Beth

Snobird

I think you might be mildly depressed and yes there is more to life than housework. You have changed. You are no longer the same person. Counseling will help you move ahead. I was lucky enough to be able to stop work altogether and focus on myself. My husband started doing some of the cooking( he never cooked much before ). I have some one who does heavy cleaning every 2 weeks anyway so that wasn't an issue. My only child was in college so not home much. I just started doing things that I never had time to do before and going places I had want to do. My life has changed a lot since the diagnosis and mostly for the better. I had a very successful construction business with my husband which we totally shut down considering the economy a we traveled out west to ski. Best thing we ever did. I have a bucket list and I'm serious about pursuing everything on it. Life is short and I'm making the most of it.

sherry35

Thank you all for your responses. I am depressed, I know that. I have meds for that. I am also at the end of a very long winter, maybe some winter dulldrums. My husband and I are constantly fighting and we have a counselling appt. on thurs. I don't think housework is something to throw my marriage away over, but i seem to be the only one who sees it this way.

Maybe what i really need is motivation. I'm bored alot and we don't have the finances to do much as i am the only one working right now and this depresses me. It's a vicious cycle.

weesa

sherry--I am originally from northern Vermont and I know what you mean ahout those winters. However, one thing you casually mention at the end of your last post almost made me fall off my chair--"as I am the only one working right now"!!! Holy cow. You are much nicer about the division of labor than I could ever be.

Something else about fatigue--I was sleeping 10 hrs every night and still feeling tired when I got up. Discovered I had bad sleep apnea, never was getting restorative sleep.I now have that corrected with a c-pap machine and the difference is incredible. I even dust upon occasion.

I think I am going to nominate you for wife of the year, Sherry. 

208sandy

Sherry:

I am almost two years out from treatment and I still have times when I can hardly get up off the couch - it's always the days I have to do chores - I can always rouse myself to do volunteer work, go grocery shopping or even walk the dog but household chores - no way!  I feel like they are a waste of "precious" time.  However, that said I live alone and no one is here to pick on me - also I am retired.  You are working full time and doing all the chores - yup, it's time for counselling - your husband needs it!!!!!

Also if you are on AIs you may be experiencing fatigue from those too - I was and had to get off them but for a myriad of other reasons - for sure check with your doctor and I am sure they'll find a way to help you feel better.

We're here for you, Sandy

Snobird

Wow, you are the only on working and your husband is complaint about housework! Something is definitely wrong with this picture.

LuvRVing

And just what is your husband's contribution to this household?   Ummmm....it sounds to me like you are doing your part.  You have a right to be tired.  And you are correct, there is more to life than cooking and cleaning.  Your hubby needs to take on some of the responsibilities.  Under these circumstances, most of us would be depressed, tired and angry.

Michelle

Amanda_in_Alaska

I am still tired ALL the time. Exercise does not seem to make it better. And my husband, though wonderful in many ways, still doesn't get it. He still expects me to do everything, and often times I feel like a lazy failure. So, each day I try to prioritize what needs doing, though many times the list doesn't get done. And a hire someone to help me with house cleaning a couple of times a month (hubby doesn't know). It's good to know I'm not the only one out there that is YEARS out from diagnosis and still tired. My onc acts as though my fatique is some sort of mystery, which doesn't help.

jancie

I am 2 years out and have days where I just am too exhausted to do anything.  I started feeling like a total failure - was the superwoman and got reduced to having to ask for help all of the time and not keeping up with my housework.

I finally resorted to making a list of 2 things to accomplish each day - it might be something simple like paying bills (I HATE to pay bills) and clean my bedroom and then the next day a couple of more things to do.  If I can get 2 chores/errands done per day then I have met my goal - anything else is just a bonus day for me.  Yes, I have lowered my own personal expectations way down low - lower than my dh would like but hey......I have a total different outlook on life post cancer dx.

Claire_in_Seattle

Weesa.....from Northern Vermont and I get energized by winters.  Love the snow as you can see from my avatar.  Exercise and fun things in life keep me energized.

However, I was in a marriage as Sherry describes.  Fortunately, I got out prior to being diagnosed. 

Sherry.....you have some leverage.  This is like an "unacceptable performance" situation in business.  You need to lay it out, and tell him that he needs to carry his weight.  Then tell him what is expected and by when.  You don't care how the work gets done, but YOU are not doing it. He can check out groceries and hire someone.  You don't care.

I think this is a hopeless situation on your end more than a "lack of energy" deal.  Housework is a symptom of "lack of contribution".

There is a time when you don't give a crap about male ego etc.  The guys who step up to the plate and figure it out are the ones who get my vote.  I know a guy who was an extremely successful middle manager and got caught.  He is now doing home repair which is enough to pay the bills until retirement.  This is what I mean.

This would be true without your having had cancer.  Just no excuse whatsoever.  I finally learned what was going on and got out.  I still wonder if the ending would have been different if I had taken action sooner.  Will never know.

Good luck.  I think a blow torch under the nether regions is a better idea than counseling BTW. - Claire

AmyIsStrong

Sherry - I read your post this weekend and can't stop thinking about it. Here is my take - it is your HUSBAND who is suffering from depression and anger, and it taking it out on you and the household situation. He is not working, therefore home a lot, and he is focusing on the externals (dishes, dusting etc) as ways to get some control over elements in his life. He can't control other stuff - the downturn in his business, the cancer situation etc. so he is focusing on these small things and trying to control them. 

OF COURSE he should be taking up major elements of household responsibilty - shopping, some meal prep, some cleaning etc. if you are working f/t and he is home. I hope the counselor will be able to direct things that way. But please be aware that his discontent and anger may shift to some other area if that one is fixed.  Because (in my opinion) the problem is not the externals in his life (i.e. his surroundings), it is INTERNAL and will drive him to lash out, be discontent, angry etc about SOMETHING - if not the housework,then something else.

I was married to a man like this for 18 years. (So I speak from experience, unfortunately.) It took me many years to figure this dynamic out.  He first focused on punctuality - if I was ONE MINUTE late for something (digital clocks were new back then) he would freak out - it was a sign of disrespect, not being a good wife, not honoring the marriage, etc etc etc. So I finally learned to be on time no matter what. Then, it morphed over to the housework - he'd say "I've been counting and that cobweb in the corner has been there for 23 days!" and start yelling. you get the idea. I was a young wife with small kids and very motivated to please so I kept trying. Eventually I realized that due to his internal dissatisfaction and depression, he would always be finding something, and since I would never be perfect, he'd always have something to focus on. 
I used to say to him "If you keep on like this, you're going to end up all alone in your nice neat apartment by yourself" and that is exactly what happened. That was over 15 years ago, and he has been unhappy (about a whole variety of things) ever since. The dynamic that was part of him STAYED with him even after we split. I, on the other hand, had a wonderful decade of singlehood and then remarried almost 5 years ago and it is blissful and wonderful.

Your decision to go to counseling is a good one. I just want to add my voice to the mix to say that this probably isn't about the housework at all. (And also to agree with Claire that he absolutely should be participating - hell, he should be doing MOST of the house stuff if he isn't working.)

Hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about this more.

Amy

fightinhrd123

I just started aderal for chemo related fatigue.  Feel so much better.  Probably not the greatest thing to be taking drugs for energy, but i couldnt handle the tiredness anymore!  And i almost think my husband does too much  He works from home, so he takes the kids to school, cooks dinner, cleans.  But I think that makes me worse, because i dont "have" to do much.  Anyway, I hope you find something that makes works for you! Chemo for sure does a number on our bodies!

Laura

dlb823

Such words of wisdom from Amy and others!  And I thoroughly agree that housework isn't the problem -- it's just a symptom of much deeper things going on with your DH.  As far as your fatigue, if you've had a recent checkup to rule out anemia and some of the other possible physical conditions already suggested that might be underlying your fatigue, then it sounds like the weight of your bc dx (which certainly lingers with us long after tx), plus the financial worries, plus the constant criticism and lack of support from your DH, plus the boredom, would be enough to zap anyone's energy.

If your DH isn't working and not taking care of the house, is there anyway you can get him out of the house and doing anything to improve your finances right now?  That seems to be a really core problem.  It sounds like you could use some financial relief (just to have an occasional date night or weekend getaway) and he needs to do something to feel better about himself.  Also, I hope the counselor you're seeing is experienced with breast cancer, because there are psychological elements to being a bc survivor (from PTSD to self-esteem issues to fear of recurrence) and the spouse of a bc survivor (like anger and fear) that a straight-forward marriage counselor may not be well enough versed in to get the full picture of what's going on with either of you.

Thinking of you, and praying that you will get some answers and a path to wholeness and energy again.     Deanna

  

  

sherry35

Thanks ladies, I do appreciate all of the advice and sharing of stories to know I am not alone. Amanda, we have a very similar diagnosis, what was your treat ment plan?

Amy, and dlb, i agree with what you said about his depression and anger. I don't think he has ever dealt with me having cancer and in turn doesn't have a clue about anything that is going on with me physically or mentally.

I have accepted that counselling will only work if we both want it to. I can't control what he does or doesn't do and I know that once i get over the initial hurt, i will be ok if he chooses to leave. I also know that he has to do some changing, not just me, and i won't settle.

Thanks again ladies.

Snobird

You go girl! We are all with you on this.

sherry35

Well, today is d-day. appointment with the counsellor at 3 o'clock. My stomach is in knots, I really don't know what is going to happen. What i do know is that worrying will not change the outcome. My energy is better spent elsewhere. i'm sure i'll have to vent later. thanks for listening.

Sherry

AmyIsStrong

Sending love & support across the miles to you Sherry.  Remember it is just the first appt and just a start.    But it is good to be starting.

Let us know how it went.

Amy

sherry35

So things have been a little weird and different since our appt. I totally blew up at the end of the hour. I was just seething. The counsellor told us to go home to our respective corners and think about what she said and do some reflecting. What I learned is that I need to find my voice and speek up before things get too bad. I also realized that I am incredibly angry with my husband and that the anger was spilling over into every facet of our lives. I need to acknowledge the anger, then fell it and finally let it go. That's what i'm taking responsibility for.

My husband said that he is inconsiderate when he speaks to me and he really doesn't know how to talk to me anymore because my reactions have conditioned him to be hesitant. He also didn't realize that the silent treatment was a form of abuse and with holding physical contact was hurting me.

That's alot to take in and i'm sure that there is more but for now we both want to try and work on things. Maybe we will re connect  or maybe we will discover that our relationship has run its course. Either way, I am not in limbo anymore and I feel alot better about things.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice to get me through that horrible couple of weeks.

Sherry

dlb823

Sounds like you found an excellent counselor, Sherry, and that you accomplished a lot in that first session.  I hope things continue to move in a positive direction for both you and your DH.  I'm so glad you're feeling positive about breaking out of the limbo you were in.  Thanks for updating us.  Many of us were obviously concerned about you.   Deanna

sherry35

Thanks Deanna,

and to all of the others who chimed in, i really don't know what i'd do without my "sisters". I feel like I can come here, no matter how long or short of time i've been away, and share, get advice and feel connected without being judged or anything. So, cheers everyone.

dontgiveup

Its been two years since I had breast cancer, this morning I decided to type in being fatigued after two years to see what would come up and found this site. Gosh I needed so bad to read that others are affected the same way. I think my family and friends think I am being lazy when I say I am so tired. My sister in law let out a big smirking noise when I said I was fatigued, so damm rude I am sick of it. After I had gone through treatments and radiation, I went and talked to a woman doctor who was really into womens health. I told her about my brain, being forgetful, and being so darn tired. I told her I felt like I had brain damage. She said you do. Chemo causes a certain brain damage, thats why we forget things, and it makes sense to me now why I am fatigued, I honestly believe it is because part of the brain did get damaged. I have talked to numerous doctors about my condition, they dont know, they recommended vitamins, thyroid tests, working out, taking naps blah blah blah. but this lady Dr was the only one who sat down, showed me exactly how the brain functions and the impact the chemo had on it. So sorry she moved away.  I am going to join a womens support group here localy because I need it, I have felt sad feeling alone, guilty for not working, guilty because friends want me to do things with them and I dont have the energy. What I find the hardest, is when I am with someone who talks to much, my mind starts to shut down, I am to tired to listen to them. I dont enjoy bbqs and parties like I used to, I am to darn tired to listen to everyone talk! I cant control what others think of me, but i can control what I think, its difficult but the more I learn the more I can understand myself. Its a horrible feeling when your husband thinks your lazy, I am now in the midst of a divorce after all of this, my husband would glare at me like I am faking my actions. I got even more tired because I was trying to live my life pleasing him yet nothing I did pleased him. I have God, I love God and beleive he is directing my steps to help me learn and to rid the guilt in my life. I care for you women who are going through this, united we stand, divided we fall and I feel for once that I have others to stand with me and me for them. God bless you and I hope you can also find a local womens support group, having someone to listen and understand what your saying is priceless. Its like finding a wonderful treasure.

NHsmiles

Hi!

I truly am sorry if I offend you, however what exactly is your husband doing other than calling YOU lazy?  YOU are not the lazy one by any means. It appears you do EVERYTHING to maintain your home.  You are not single, you should not have to do EVERYTHING.

 I am with you, I don't give a shit about the dishes or dust bunnies.  It just isn't important anymore.  I was in your boat during chemo.  My fiance bitched about EVERYTHING meanwhile all I could think about was not dying from complications and getting through the  treatment. I am pleased to say the day he was no longer in my life, was one of the best days of my life.  I was tired of feeling bad about myself because he put me down regarding my housekeeping skills, and he didn't like that I told him to do it himself.

 You have been through hell regarding cancer, and the average person cannot understand a renewed perspective on life unless one has traveled a similar path as you!

 Please do not beat yourself up.  You are an amazing woman!

 Hugs to you!

 Heather