relationship will not survive

timerdog

Hello everyone,

I need to make a long story short as my tale is a complicated one. I was told that on my first visit to the oncologist ( who was just a stand in ) that my tumor was very small 0.9 by 0.7 and that she would not be recommending chemo, that was Jan 23rd. I was doing the flipping HAPPY DANCE! Looking forward to reconstruction and getting on with my life.

I felt as if I had looked down the barrel of a gun and saw myself in the crosshairs, so I started to live my life differently. I now exercise more, I eat better, I embrace life more. Then....I get the phone call. The cancer center needs to talk to me...there has been a mistake.

The oncotype DX test THAT I ORDERED showed that the tumor was larger then 2 cm ( keep in mind that I did have a uni MX ) and that I will have the option of chemo. My Oncotype was 27 so I graciously accepted the offer of chemo.

My boyfriend of 2.5 years has been good with all of this up until now. I am a single mom to a seven year old daughter. Because I work with children ( part time ) I was told I could not go back to work. The oncologist said that the risk of infection is too high. I broke down when he told me this as I am not sure how the hell the bills will be paid. My boyfriend makes good money, he recently spent 2k on taking myself and few friends out for dinner. He has not offered to help me in anyway. As a matter of fact, two weeks ago he saw a lawyer to see what the ramifications were if he and I decided to live together. My BF basically said to me that he has everything to lose and nothing to gain if we decided to become common law. 

I am beginning to see the dream man's true colors. He only cares for himself. He is a selfish insecure man. When we saw the oncologist my BF started talking about how he has a "personal physician" which is complete BS! He does work for a highly ranking physician but that's about it. The last time he mentioned his "personal connections" I booted him out of the Dr. office! It is not about HIM it is about ME! Then ( yes, I am venting ) I told the Oncology nurse that one of my fears about chemo is getting "short" with my daughter. As many single moms can tell you it is hard to keep your patience and add chemo to the mix and I can imagine it gets harder. I was worried that I would lose my patients with her. My well intended BF cut into the conversation when the nurse was recommending a social worker telling her that he knows a psychologist that will work with me! Great, IF IT WERE TRUE!!!! WTF! MY BF thought the nurse would think that I would PHYSICALLY abuse my daughter!! For the love of GOD! The nurse is an intelligent woman she knew I was concerned about losing patients NOT  bashing my daughter about the head!!  

Then.. the nurse starts telling me about drug plans and that she can send me some paperwork. My BF cuts her off AGAIN and says that he will take care of the drugs! Great, IF IT WERE TRUE!!! I just spent 150$ on drugs...not him!! 

Needless to add, I feel more alone now then ever. I can't stand my BF's attitude any longer. He says, "i'll see you through this but I cannot tell you where I'll be is a year from now".  

Thanks for listening and letting me vent. I start chemo on Tuesday and will be going alone. I am hoping I will find it all "doable".

God, I am so flipping scared. 

HollyinMich

Holy crap!  I am soooo sooo sorry that you are having to deal with that on top of cancer!  As if cancer wasn't bad enough!  I was also a single mom with an 8 year old.  My boyfriend (now my husband) had been living together for a couple of year before I got sick.  I had no insurance and was laid off of work when my symptoms developed.  My DH is a nurse, I helped him through nursing school.  He was against marriage (as was I) but married me so I could get health insurance to get better and have the peace of mind that if something did happen to me, my daughter would be fine.  Her biological father passed away three years ago.  He has taken on the burden of supporting me and my daughter financially and emotionally through all of this.  As opposed as he was to marriage, he doesn't regret his decision one bit and has never looked back!  After having experienced this kind of selflessness and love I truly consider myself lucky!

Your boyfriend sounds like a selfish a$$!  And after having the great experience of being lucky enough to find a TRUE man it makes me so mad for you!  I hope things start looking up for you soon!  I know how hard it is to try and remain strong.  I hope you have family close by that you can lean on for help.  Research the internet for organizations that might be able to help you financially and talk to the Social Worker at your hospital  They can refer you and help you find the financial help that you need.

Also, keep in mind that while chemo does suck it's not as bad as it used to be and it's certainly not as bad as Hollywood like to make it out.  We all experience it differently so no one can say for sure that you won't have this side effect or that you will have another.  I know it's scary, but it is doable!  And your oncologist will help you to manage your side effects so make sure you talk to him/her about any that you experience.  The oncology nurses are always a great resource too.  They have seen it all and they will be able to offer you a lot of support.

timerdog

Hello,

I am really sorry he is being such a butt as well! He just called and asked me to go with him and his son to breakfast at a local diner. I told him I had plans to hit the gym. ( the real reason I HATE that fried crappy food that the restaurant serves and would rather enjoy my own cooking, a veggie and egg white scramble! ) My BF got all huffy, and stated how much I have changed over this. I explained I just wanted to be healthy and fit. He said, "you already are!"

Something weird happened to me after my surgery. For the first time in my life I felt WEAK. It scared the crap out of me. I have more surgeries to follow as I will be having reconstruction. I never want to feel that weak again. I am 46, I shouldn't know how it feels to be 80.

Thanks Holly for your advice and sharing your wonderful story. My knight  is the complete opposite of your man. I asked me guy to install some shelves for me which he can do very easily and he stated he was "too busy".  

mrsnjband

So sorry you BF is acting the way he is. Some men just don't get it. 

One thing I don't understand is why they told you that you can't work.  I work with small children and worked through out all of my treatment: chemo, surgery, & radiation.   But you need to do what is best for you.  There were many, many days I wished I didn't have to work but I made it through. 

Sending you lots of love & support.  NJ

edwards750

timerdog I am so sorry you are going through all of that. It is hard enough to deal with BC as it is. As bad as it sounds maybe your illness and how he is dealing with it is telling you the kind of man he really is. It is easy to be the loving partner when everything is going well. The real test to me is when things aren't. My husband has been very supportive as he should be. I was his caregiver and cheerleader when he broke his neck in 2001. He was in the Trauma Center for months and I was the breadwinner and our son was very young. I would check into every agency available for financial help. They are out there. Even though we have decent income we all know the medical bills are off the chart even with insurance which doesnt pay everything by a long shot. You may feel weak but you are stronger than you think. If you are worried about losing patience with your daughter try and explain to her ahead of time so she will understand and if you lose your cool apologize. She knows you love her. As for your insignificant other time will tell how long you can put up with him. Above all take care of  yourself...your daughter needs you. We are pulling and praying for you. diane

XmasDx

timerdog, sometimes it takes a life crisis to make things crystal clear.  As Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."

Don't make excuses for him, or rationalize his behavior as a stress-response, or second-guess your perception of what is going on here.

He is not being supportive, he is being unsupportive.  He is not being financially helpful, worse he is promising that he will be when others offer you potential support, and then does not follow through.  That is ANTI-help!  Similar situation with the social worker.  He sounds very controlling.  He sees himself as your hero in this situation, or at least he wants to be, he turns down other helpful resources on your behalf.  

And the icing on the cake?  He wants to play the hero, but his punchline "but I won't promise to stick around for the long haul."

Find yourself some good girlfriends/sisters/cancer survivors/co-workers/relatives to support you and your daughter through this trying time and put this guy on perma-hold (at least).

Sorry for the rant, it just makes me SICK to see him trying to making this about him when YOU and your daughter are the ones needing help and resources right now.  I know you've been together 2.5 years, but just as a crisis has brought about your true character and needs, it is showing his as well, unfortunately.

HollyinMich

No problem, I hope my story lets you know that thery are still good men out there.  I really am sorry that you are having to deal with all of that.  Like Bonnie said though you have 24 hour support here!  So please feel free to vent all you need!

Know that it's very common with something as serious as cancer to undergo life altering views!!  It's amazing how much of a wake up call it can be.  Also, with my daughter I was very open with her about what I was going through.  I explained up front that mommy was going to be feeling pretty badly and that I would need her help.  I was also sure to tell her that sometimes it might make me crabby but to know that no matter what I loved her.  It helped me to try to explain it also in terms that she would understand by using examples of when she wasn't feeling well or tired and crabby.  She has been really wonderful through all of this and hasn't gotten scared about any of it.  It really has helped that I was very open with her.  You'd be surprised how much they understand!

kira1234

timerdog, I'm so sorry you are dealing with BF issues while dealing with BC. I am a teacher, and was never told to take time off during my treatments. I was told to do what I was comfortable with. The only thing I was told to do was use a mask while with the kids. By the way I am 58, and teach Kindergarten.

Letlet

wow, I am speechless. I have a few choice words about his character but I think you know that already. Do you have any family and friends who can care for you? The last thing you want to do is to depend on this guy emotionally and financially. This is the time that you need to focus on you, if he is already not stepping up to the plate at this time, when it gets rougher what's going to happen?

kadeeb

Timberdog,

So sorry you've come to join us. This crap is bad enough when you have love and support. You're feeling alone right now but you're not. We're here for the talking, crying and ranting part so use us at will. Your relationship is going through the wringer right now. He doesn't sound like a prince but he may be just as scared as you are. Has he always been a "know it all" or is this something new? If it's new, I'd say he's just trying to get control of the situation because that's what men do. If this isn't new, it's not likely to improve. You'll have to decide what you can live with and what you can't and I do mean live with, because that's what you're going to do. This will pass, one step at a time and then you'll go on with your life. Make your decisions on the future, not the moment because the future is going to last a long time.  

karenmdb

I understand what you are going through.  I was diagnosed in 2004.  Married at that time for 19 years.  My husband came to Dr's appointments in the very beginning.  But then stopped - when chemo's symptoms started showing up - he would tell me it all couldn't be the chemo.  If I cried he would not hug me.  Thought he needed to push me through it.  Even told me to "grow some hair"  After all of the treatments were over he began going out alot, yelling at me all of the time.. Told me I wasn't there for him & that I was depressed.  I was depressed over the relationship.  He has decided to get a divorce because he said I  let him down.  OUCH!!!!  I have now been in therapy for a few years now & my therapist tells me he is a narcissist - very selfish, no empathy, it is all about them.  Maybe you can look into it & see if any of the traits fit your BF.  It sounds like they may.  If they do it may give you some understanding & let you see that you do not need to be treated this way.    Good Luck to You - 

CrazyKitties

Well, you know the answers to all of this. You don't need us to prove it to you, because you are a very smart woman. Like many of us, you are involved with a narccissist. You will never win with this guy, NEVER. WALK AWAY. You cannot argue or rationalize with someone like this, because they are masters of manipulation. PLEASE, for your sake and your childs, leave. You will live through this. We are here for you. xoxoxo

luv2trav

timerdog

I ,too, thought of many choice words for your bf as I read your post (reminds me of my EX-husband) but I will give him the benefit of the doubt and say he is having stress about this,  That being said, you need to concentrate on you and your daughter and not waste energy on him.  Do what you need to do to keep you going.  You can do this.  I am confused as to why they told you not to work...I am a school nurse and i am being encouraged to go to work.  Cant get much germier than a school nurse office.  Perhaps you should talk about this with your onc.  Money causes stress and we dont need any more of that! Plus it is good to keep busy.

Hugs

gutsy

Sounds to me he just does not know how to act right now. He is probably decent enough but socially akward. What the heck, it is not a popularity or name dropping contest. Was he trying to impress the oncology nurse? You are so right, it is not about him it is about you. Hey, I would challenge him on his promises that he made in the doctor's office.

I think you will figure it out, you sound like a strong level headed person.

Alyad

the way I see it you bf is not giving you a darn thing- no financial or emotional support- in fact he is trying to cut you off from potential support. I don't think he is just not reacting to the stress well- trying to give him the benefit of the doubt - from what you've said, he exhibits some very controlling behaviors and its all about him- how convient of you to get bc so he could play hero. But he's just playing- he's said he's not going to be around. I know sometimes having something feels better than having nothing- but you need to kick this guy to the curb and focus on yourself and your daughter- nothing you say to him is going to convince him to actually be the good person he's trying to project an image of being to feel good about himself.  he's a narcissitic person- they don't change.

Cat123

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this!  I am 47 and single but I have some great friends.  It must be difficult with relationship problems on top of the treatments.  You are a strong woman!  This guy is making it sound like it is all about him but some people do that.  I am not sure of where you want to take this relationship but you have to think about yourself right now.  You are your number one priority.  I was laid off of my job about 3 and half week before diagnosis and have worked with lawyers to get my short and long term disabily....a nightmare!  My surgery went so well and my chemo has gone well too....two more to go!  We are all here for you if you want to rant.  I can't believe someone close to you is not being supportive.....some people just don't get it.  Sometimes this diagnosis makes you re-evaluate relationships and sometimes you have to get rid of toxic people but that is up to you to decide.  You will get through this with flying colors!  Hugs to you!

timerdog

Thanks for all the replies. I know my relationship is just adding more stress to this entire cancer situation! I also know it is time to end it. We both know it. It all honestly my BF has not been supportive at all, he has been a jerk. I wish it were not so as the truth hurts. 

He is coming over this morning as he has "uninvited" me to breakfast with his son stating that his son has a "cold" and he doesn't want me to get sick!

One door closes and  another opens.

XmasDx

That's right.  And I hope he doesn't let your door hit him in the a$$ as you shut it behind him. 

Then you should dance around the house to "I Will Survive" - because you will, in more ways than one.  

apple

I've become very close to my daughter on my cancer journey.. When I started I kind of kept her at bay so she wouldn't love me too much and be too hurt... so I hope your relationship with her becomes wonderful and only gets better.

as to the boyfriend... may you find a new wonderful one.

greenfrog

Breast cancer does give you the chance to find out what the people in your life are really made of. I have been astonished by those in my life who have stepped up to the mark and been fantastic - and I have been devasted by some that have proven themselves to be self obsessed, callous, mean spirited idiots. My ex in particular.

My address book is now much lighter and I feel all the better for it because I know that the people in it are the ones who stood by me in my darkest weeks and months. Life is too short to waste with people who don't deserve you. Draw a line under him and move on. All the very best to you.

dlb823

timerdog, I don't like the way your BF is acting or treating you either, but so far (and it's really hard to understand a relationship from just a few paragraphs), I'm not sure he's beyond all hope.  It's true that the annoyances you've described sound like they're based on deep insecurities.  But I'm wondering if you and he could honestly talk about some of these things, if he might realize how unhelpful and self-centered his comments are.  It sounds like it's about money and influence (like the personal doctor story) to him, but I doubt if he realizes how his comments are coming across to others.  If you truly have strong feelings for him, I would think maybe a heart-to-heart conversation and getting all of this out in the open would help you know if this relationship is worth salvaging, or if he's truly as shallow, self-centered and uncommited as some of his comments are.  And I would absolutely include your financial worries.  If he's so selfish that can't commit to helping you now, while at the same time dropping $2K on entertainment, I would RUN the other way and thank heaven you found out BEFORE you moved in with or married him.  But he may not be aware of your fears about not being able to work or other financial concerns.

If you can possibly clear the air and get on a more authentic track with him, then I wanted to suggest a book that might help.  It's called the Breast Cancer Husband, by Marc Silver.  Here's a link:  http://www.breastcancerhusband.com/   It's written from a guy's point of view, and although I didn't read it, I've only heard rave reviews from those who have. 

Most of us find out that a crisis like this tends to bring out what's already there in people.  But unless your gut is already telling you otherwise, I would cut him a bit of slack for not knowing how to act right now, and at least let him know how the incidents you've shared here are making you feel, then let him adjust if he wants to.    Deanna

timerdog

LOL,

I use to play " I will survive " when my husband left me for a 19 year old belly dancer. They have since married and have 5 month old. I guess the 21 year age difference is not all that noticeable to them. Oh, but in their wedding pictures he looks like her father.

My BF and I had it out this morning. I simply cannot deal with him and cancer and chemo all at the same time. He borrowed my truck and didn't have the decently to fill it up. He stresses me out wayyyy too much. He asked me this morning that "wasn't I worried about my old age pension"? WTH! I got other things to worry about bucko! Like what the heck is wrong with me that I am spending time with someone like you!! 

When I mentioned the gas in the truck he told me "to go too hell". Hmmmm nice, telling a cancer patient to go too hell.

We have both had enough. 

dawn31337

I learned a long time ago the only person you can really depend upon is yourself.  I'm sorry you are learning this at such a bad time.  Expecting someone who isn't your family or spouse for financial assistance is somewhat naive.

After 2 1/2 years of dating, I'm sure you talked about your future at some point.  If it was right for both of you, you'd either be living together now, or engaged, or married.   I think you are rightfully angry you got cancer, and he probably is too.  

If you thought he was a decent guy before, maybe he still is, but neither of you are dealing with this well.  If you are angry about no gas in the truck, I'm sure today isn't the first time a little thing has bothered you.  Maybe your relationship just isn't strong enough for something this stressful, and it's time to let go.  

Chemo didn't make me nasty, or even sick; it made me tired.   Talk to someone about your anger (about both your illness and your relationship), you will make it through treatment a lot better if you de-stress as much as you can.  This is a mind f$#% and if you expect the worst, that's exactly what you'll get.  

Getting chemo by yourself is no big deal.  You sit in a chair and get an IV.  That's it.  I brought my iPod and took a nap.  It is medicine.  Not to trivialize, but is he there if you have the flu? Even people on these boards who have had issues with SE say it is like the flu.  You aren't going to die.  Best of luck to you.  There are many people who went through this alone.

NatureGrrl

Timerdog... big hug.  As you've realized by now, we're all here for you.  Although I will say it was rough at times to go through treatment alone (and take care of my mom, who also had cancer, and dementia...), I read enough stories here to know it would have been even worse had I been with someone who wasn't supportive.  It's a terrible time for a relationship to fall apart -- but really, there are no good times. 

I found an incredible amount of support here and it helped a lot.  I also had a therapist (at my onc. office) that I saw a lot, and although cancer support groups didn't work for me, they do for many people, so keep that as an option, too.

Chemo can be hard (I respectfully disagree with the previous poster on this one) -- actually getting it wasn't hard, but dealing with the accumulation over time was; I had serious fatigue, mainly, but I can't say it was like the flu.  It was more overwhelming than that, but everyone is different, some do go through it easier than others. Youth is on your side on that count.

If you're given steroids with/after chemo (I got them around every A/C treatment), that was the only time I found myself feeling impatient, but it only lasted for the time I was actually on steroids (I think it was 3 or 4 days each A/C, which was once every 3 weeks), and once I figured out what was going on, I expected it and could deal with it.  I wasn't taking care of a child but I was taking care of an elderly woman with dementia, and sometimes it felt like I was taking care of a child.  I guess all I'm trying to say is, although it at times was difficult, I did it, and you will too. It's not easy nor fun, and in an ideal world we'd all have someone to hug us at the end of the day and give us what we need, but you can do it.

By the way, if he says "I'll see you through this but I can't say where I'll be a year from now," he's not going to see you through it, because it doesn't end the minute treatment is over; it's an ongoing process of healing and recovery. 

Best of luck to you, and please do use the boards for support and understanding.

alamik

Timerdog~~~ Kick him to the curb!!! And make sure you lock your door so the jerk can never come back in!!! I am blessed that I have a very loving and supportive husband and he shows me everyday what a true man is. He amazes me with his compassion and kindness. Do you deserve anything less that I have? Hell NO!! You deserve to have a life filled with love and you deserve to have someone in your life that you can depend on. Your daughter deserves to see her mommy happy!  He is not the one!! I am so sorry that you hit the breast cancer lottery like the rest of us. But I can tell you that in the short time that I have been using this board, I have gained knowledge strength and support from the wonderful strong ladies here. You are strong enough to do this and you and your daughter will get through this. It will be hard sometimes and you will struggle, but you won't be defeated. You and your daughter will remain constant and when you become focused on YOU, things will become clearer. Great advice from the above posters about financial assistance. Don't be too proud to use it when you need it. Your BF is full of hot air!! Maybe he shouldn't go to chemo with you as he would probably just tell the onc nurses that he knows a guy that can do that for you as well. He sounds exhausting to even listen too. I wish the very best for you and your precious little girl. Come here and vent away!!

timerdog

Thanks everyone! BTW my dad agrees with you all. LOL My BF is a decent man, he is just not the one for me or else we would be married, engaged or common-law as one poster said. And it is naive to depend on a BF for support. I never asked my BF for a dime, but when I borrow someone's truck I replace the gas, just common sense.

Dawn, I totally agree with you about depending on yourself. I am a strong independent woman and can tackle most anything on my own. I need to keep that in mind. I have to admit I am not use to being stressed out as my life is usually happy go lucky. I do not expect the worst, actually I think my expectations may be unrealistic as I think I will have an ok time with the chemo. I just want it to be over with!

I called a lady from the cancer center earlier and she was kind enough to say that she will go with me to my first chemo on Tuesday.

Thank you all so very much for the wise and encouraging words! 

FireKracker

Good luck on Tuesday.The sistas will be holding your hand.God bless.Huggggs K

dawn31337

Everyone is different, but even my doctors agree, attitude is 50% of this.  A good attitude may not prevent you from being sick, but a bad one will definitely bring it on.  It will all be over before you know it.  In 4 weeks I get my new boobs!

faithfulheart

I don't know how long you have been together, could it be possible, he could be freaking out.

I mean I am sooooooo not making excuses for his actions, he is being so insensitive. I wonder if its a defense mech. to protect himself because he is so overwhelmed!!! I think cancer scares the crap out of people, and I am just going to say it sistah's we are the stronger species!!!!

You are going to make it through this journey, surround yourself around people that care and love you.

This is doable with or without him, You sound like a sweatheart, true colors, its a tough one.

Remmeber this is temporary, and this too shall pass, you will be OK!!!!

In my prayers!

Faithful

Alyad

yeah common sense and decency- you borrow a vehicle, you bring it back with at least as much gas as it had in it before! and if you borrowed it from someone struggling financially, facing medical bills for example, even more so. It sounds like you are coming to terms with the fact is not Mr. Right and never will be. We will be here for you whenever you need someone to talk to.

 I know it must probably suck for those of us with wonderful DH to chime in and say dump him! he's not as good as my guy! I think its just once you find someone who treats you right, you realize how much you were settling for less than you deserve before. I have had the fear if anything any happened to him, I'm not sure I'd ever be able to move on to someone else, because he's set such a high standard of wonderfulness, I'd never settle for less!

I know how incredibly lucky I am to have someone who stood by me every step. Sometimes I wonder if he was brought into my life so I didn't have to go through bc alone, as I was dx 6 months after we were married.

My mom came to stay with me after my surgery as my DH had to work and I had TRAM recon and could hardly walk. She drove me insane and sucked all the enegery out of me- shortly after that she "accidentally" cc'ed me on a message she sent to her friends that said "thank the lord alyad has realized the first of her limitations" when I conceded I'd have to postpone a trip a year in order to go through chemo. I just snapped and realized she gave me NOTHING- no support, no positive energy, talking to her drains me- when you are going through chemo- you are just tired tired tired. your body is putting all its energy into processing the toxic crap- there just isn't much left over to process emotional toxins too. I told my mom off and told I couldn't handle talking to her during treatment- and I didn't talk to her for 4 months and I have no regrets about doing so, despite knowing her feelings were hurt. You HAVE to put yourself first.

HollyinMich

Best of luck to you for Tuesday!  I know you'll do great!  Know that we are thinking of you an are here for you even if your boyfriend is not!