Going through BC and parenting young kids

mdg

I am finding it so hard to have the emotionaly energy to be a great mom at times to my 4 year old son.  I feel like BC has sucked the patience right out of me.  My son has been so whiny lately.  Dinner each night ends up with him in some type of meltdown - him crying for something completely irrational.  I know he doesn't understand what's going on.  He only knows I had surgery because of a boo boo. We talk about me getting better from the boo boo and such, but we try not to make a big deal of any of this in front of him and keep things as normal as possible. 

Sometimes I can deal his crazy meltdowns and other nights I simply have to excuse myself and have my own meltdown upstairs by myself.  My husband tries to handle things but with me going through this he is also more stressed out than usual and is having a hard time having patience too.  I guess  I am not looking for solutions....just other moms going through the same thing.  Some days are better than others.  Some days it takes all of my energy just to come to terms with what is going on in my life and my body. I start chemo on Wednesday.  Please tell me I am not alone.....I love my son so much and just wish I was not so consumed emotionally with my situation, but right now it is all consuming.  Any words of support or understanding would help right now. 

Anonymous

mdg- You are definitely not alone.  I could relate to everything you wrote even though my son is much older (14 now, 13 when I was going through treatment).  I felt so guilty that I didn't have the energy or the patience to truly be there for him like I thought I should.  But you know what?  He's o.k. and your son will be, too.  He's obviously picking up on the tension and stress in your home.  He's not sure what's going on but just knows something's not right.  It will get better but for now maybe try to spend time with him for quiet activities (reading a book together, watching his favorite t.v. show, etc) and then leave the more strenuous ones for him to do with his dad.  (One thing I did was arrange for friends and family to do activities with my son.  He would be off doing something fun so I felt less guilty and I could get some rest.  And most people are just happy to help in some way.)  You are going through such an emotional time right now (and yes, it is consuming), especially with chemo coming up, so try to realize you're doing the best you can.  This is the one time of your life you can't be super mom (no matter how hard we all try) and that's o.k.   Just like when I look back at my son's childhood I don't really remember his meltdowns, your son won't remember yours either.  (((hugs)))

momand2kids

Mdg

mine were 12 and 7-- I too had meltdowns--had them in my closet!!!! things got so much better once I had the lumpectomy and the pathology report and started treatment.  We kept everything the same-- the kids' schedules, their activities---and I just went to work, treatment and came home.  I did not try to go to school activities, etc.  I let everything else go.  I also did not try to be the best mom ever--since I was so not feeling it.  Funny, my kids are 14 and 9 and if you asked them, they have very little recollection.  Your son will have even less since he is so young.

give yourself  a break--- this is a marathon, not a sprint.  This is all consuming emotionally for a while, but it will NOT be forever.  I can tell you that bc plays very little role in my life now--- but I do so remember how much it took over my world...... I think it is normal.  

mdg

Thanks ladies. Some days are just easier than others.  Four year olds are just difficult at times to begin with but throw in the stress from BC on a mom and what a mess.  I am getting through ok I think I was just having issues and anxiety this past week because I started chemo yesterday.  Whenever I have another procedure or thing lke that I just have a lower threshold for the meltdowns. I feel bette today now that my first chemo session is over with.  I know I can get through this....I just have to! 

Basia

I have 4 year old twins and know exactly what you are going thru. It is so hard to try and keep things normal for them while going thru this. I find myself yelling at them all the time for little things that normally I wouldn't yell over. I just finished chemo and finding myself calming down a bit. It isn't easy. I have meltdowns in the shower where no one can see me. I did have meltdowns in my bedroom but my husband would walk in and try to help me, which I didnt need or want, just wanted to cry so the shower became my place of solitude. Took many showers some days, lol.

Hang in there, you aren't alone. PM me anytime if you want to chat.

mdg

I need to get a lock on our bathroom door then....took a bath the other night with specific instructions to my husband "I need time alone and I will be in the tub" - meaning I don't want anyone to walk in since I am not anatomically correct anymore.  I took a bath and put towel over my chest just in case...Moms always know...sure enough my 4 year old came upstairs and just walked right in.  I was so mad at my husband.   Can't he watch him for 30 minutes when this was my time for privacy! ?!?  Ugh!  That set me off.  I know my son doesn't understand...by my hubby dropped the ball.  I guess I am going to go out and get a lock for my bathroom today so I can have a secure meltdown place....ha ha! 

Basia:  You have it twice as bad.  I will bow back away now (lol!)....YOU have your hands full. Feel free to PM me too for support, venting, questions or whatever. 

Basia

Go out today and get some sort of lock on that bathroom door! You need some privacy to cry and scream or do whatever you need to do. Some days I just sat in the shower with the water coming down and enjoyed the quiet, no thinking about kids or cancer, it helped me so much. I found it to be therapeutic.

Letlet

mdg, I have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. I have been so careful since my mastectomy in september to hide my chest from my daughter. However last Saturday we were all getting ready for a formal dinner and she walked in to show her beautiful dress. As I fixed her hair I guess my robe fell open and she said "what happened? what happened to the nipple!". I was so caught off guard and flustered I kept saying it was nothing, it was fine etc. She fell really quiet after that and I told me husband what happened and he said he would talk to her. They sat down and he told her that it looked like that because that's where the cancer was and the doctor took it out. He said she replied "oh, that's why mommy has no cancer anymore because the doctor took it out from there". She perked up a little after that.

The other night as after she said her bedtime prayers, she told me that her birthday was special in 3 ways - it was her birthday, Earth day and Mommy will be completely better and with a sprout of hair. I had told her I would be better by april in the months after diagnosis to reassure her. Little did I know that I will be in the midst of rads in mid-April. I will not disappoint her, even if it means winning an Oscar for best actress while in treatment! LOL

mommichelle

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  I have two children (3 and just turned 6).  Finished chemo in December and life is getting more normal.  I know how hard things can be.  Your post made me cry.  I remember those days of crying in my room after excusing myself from supper.  Hang in there!  Feel free to PM me.  I know what you are going through.  I sometimes felt like a monster, I would sometimes get really angry and yell too.  Then I would be a mess and cry.  Forgive yourself for lack of patience.  You are going through ALOT!

Hugs,

Michelle

momand2kids

you definitely need that lock.  Even without bc,we need time to ourselves to cry, reflect, whatever....

 I remember when I was going through chemo-- my kids had some sense of what was going on, but we really just told them what they needed to know.  the funniest part was when I came home with the wig--- I had left to go to the hairdresser--still had a full head of hair.  Went to the salon, had my head shaved and came home with my wig on (I had had a couple of fittings before this).   Walked into the house and neither of them even noticed.... 

 when I went to get the 7 year old up the next morning, I had on a cap.  She looked up at me and said" What happened to your hair?"  I responded that I had decided to have it shaved off and get the wig early.  Her response (she had 2 classmates that year with lukemia) " well, I thought you were going to let it fall out.  That is what Julie did and we were finding her hair all over school for weeks"..... she had no fear of cancer--to her and her sister, they have known people, people's parents who have had cancer and they see it as curable.  It was a great moment becase I knew then she would be fine.  And she was..... 

Get the lock!!!

mdg

Thanks ladies...it helps.  I have not found a place on here that women have posted about the stress of parenting during all of this.  It is so hard to talk to non-cancer moms because they have NO idea what it's like.  When they complain of trivial things their kids do all I want to say is "well, throw a bilateral mastectomy, chemo and crap into the mix".....it's so hard to not think these things when I am talking to my friends - but sometimes I hear it all in my head while they are talking.  I use to frequent regular mom chat boards and now I just can't relate to them.  It's nice to know I am not alone.  Things were great today.  My son has up and down days but overall is doing well.  I think he just sense stress from me and I am trying so hard to keep everything "normal" and consistant for him.  Today he was great...what a relief!  He was full of smiles and no meltdowns..........I love days like that!  Thanks ladies.....

Twinmom77

Basia, I have four year old twins too!  They were three when I was diagnosed and some days - whew!  Let's just say I hope they don't remember a lot about that time!  There were days after chemo that we sat in front of the tv all day and had a box of cheddar bunny crackers for dinner because I just couldn't do it...just couldn't be super mom that day.  My ex-husband left during my tx too so I didn't have anyone to watch the kids while I had a melt-down.  So I had my melt-downs right in front of them.  Not full-on sobbing that would scare them, but if I felt like crying, I cried.  I was just sure to let them know that I was ok, just feeling sad (or frustrated, or tired, whatever), and that they didn't do anything wrong.  I just never wanted them learning from me that it's not ok to show their feelings (since their father seemed to be intent on teaching them to stuff their emotions like him!).

And I so understand trying to relate to non-cancer moms.  I stopped getting on parenting forums too, because I got so tired of seeing people complain about trivial things. My friends were concerned and sympathetic of course, but couldn't truly understand. And there was a girl in my neighborhood who would walk past my house with her toddler in the stroller every morning.  Her ponytail would just be swinging as she walked and I just hated her.  Absolutely HATED her.  I didn't even know the poor girl, she hadn't done anything to me.  But just the fact that she had hair and was able to power walk with her kid every morning...I just wanted so badly to go back to my old life and be oblivious to cancer like she could do.

It gets better.  You get through it, one day at a time, and before you know it you're done and starting to feel like your old self again...in fact, better than your old self!  And the kids are resilient.  At 3 and 4, they haven't learned that cancer is necessarily "bad", so it's not a scary or bad thing until someone tells them it is.  Like another poster said, to my kids mommy simply had an ouchie and had to take medicine for it.  It was a bonus for them because they got to have "camp-outs" at the grandparents houses.  Everyone in the family will have their good days and bad.  You just go to bed and start fresh the next day.  Here's to more of the good days for you!

mdg

Here's a way to start off the day good.  I had my first chemo on Wed and feel great except the constipation started kicking in this morning.  I was getting ready to take my son to school and had to try to go poop again and my son came in.  He is often constipated so I usually sit on the step stool and sit with him and help relax him so he can go.  So when I explained I was having trouble going poop he pulled up the step stool and brought in his Star Wars Lego book and said "it's OK mommy, you will be able to push the poopies out".  He then sat with me and and when I started finally going he said "I can see the poopies coming mom - good job!".  What else can I say............I am smiling today. 

Basia

Maria, that is so sweet! Gotta love days like this

Twinmom, I stopped talking to most of my friends because its hard to sit there and listen to their trivial nonsense. First off most of them do not have twins and complain about their single children and then throw in the cancer and I have nothing in common with anyone!

Twinmom77

mdg - that is too great!  Reminds me very much of what one of my boys would do.  He has chronic constipation issues too and I could just see him encouraging me that very same way.  So cute!  Hope you're doing well after the first chemo.

Basia - Do you have girls, boys, or both?  I have very sweet boys...I don't think I would know what to do with a girl, lol! I didn't see or talk to my friends often in person, but it was hard for me to be on facebook.  Seeing someone post something like "I hate going to the gym" pissed me off so bad.  #1 I didn't have the energy to go to the gym and #2 I couldn't afford it at the time.  I wanted so badly to reply "Be glad you're physically and financially healhty enough to go to the gym" but I don't like to embarass people on purpose or draw attention to my situation.  I left my mothering forum after listening to a mom complain about having two baby showers and getting nothing she wanted.  Really?  Ugh, just irritating!

ruffy

It is so nice to see a post like this-Bittersweet but nice, it's nice to know others are having the same issues and nice to encourage and share our ideas with each other in hope that we can find some comfort and try to not be so hard on ourselves I'm this difficult stressful time. I have a 3 year old daughter who sometimes I feel so guilty cause I just can't parent properly. I usually have a very long fuse but recently through this my fuse is so small and I hate that! Im crabby, often running to my room , im acting like the three year old!! I'm usually fun, laughy, dancy, and love parenting. The chemo knocks the wind out if me and I find it hard to be anything remotely like normal. I guess we just have to remind ourselves the reason were going through all this is so we can parent effectively and lovingly for many years to come, this is just a bump in the road that will make our family bond with our children even stronger. It will also, even if they're too young to realize it,but it will instill

strength and a warrior instinct in our kids, which will aide them down the road on their journey through life. Hugs to all the moms out there today, this time will pass too and soon we'll gain our strength back and our family lives will return to their norm

Basia

Twinmom, I have girls, and they are the best! I absolutely adore them.  They got me thru the toughest days.  Everytime I thought I couldn't make it thru the day or another treatment, their smiling faces gave me the incentive I needed to keep going.  I never had a chance to get depressed over BC because of them.  I know what you mean about FB and parenting sites.  I also got sick of hearing friends tell me they know exactly what I am going thru because their aunt, mom, friend had BC.  I felt like shouting you have no idea what its like! you didn't live it.  And did your family member or friend have young children at home while they were going thru this? And this came mostly from other twin moms! You would think they would be more understanding about all of this.

Ruffolo, don't feel bad, you are going thru chemo and the rest to make sure you will be here for many years to come.  Your daughter will be ok.  Has she asked you about your hairloss (if you have any)? Mine were very upset about that, I had very long hair prior to this.  I cut it shorter and shorter in the weeks before chemo.  and when I actually had to buzz it, and they saw it, I told them that I went to get my haircut and showed the woman a picture of them with daddy and said I wanted to look like them, but the lady misunderstood and made me look like daddy.  That got a big laugh out of them and they stopped being upset about the hair loss.   You will get thru this and your little girl will appreciate you more for it.  I find that now that chemo is over, my patience is coming back and I am more accepting of all the little things that drive me nuts.  

mdg

Basia:  Love the hair photo story...you made my day with that!  I can't imagine you gals with twins...I only have one and there are moments this is challenging.  You twin moms rock!

I too quit going to my mom chat boards.  Are people really going to whine about their kid waking them up or peeing the bed?  Hell, I am battling cancer and can't poop from chemo- now that's a problem.....he he!  

Basia

Maria, it is just as hard going thru chemo with one child as with 2...no matter how you look at it, it sux! I have to admit, some days, on the rare occasion they were getting along, I thought I had it easier because they entertained themselves while I was given the opportunity to rest or catch up on some house work.   

At this point, do any of us really care if someone's child wet the bed? I think we are more worried about us wetting the bed, LOL.   

ruffy

Basia- your post is encouraging and funny about the photo. I also had long hair, cut it fairly short once I found out and just yesterday did the big shave with my daughter watching in awe. I explained the medicine is making it go away but soon I will have soft princess hair to replace it. I let her feel it and she calls me kitty, lol .I will try to be easier on myself and my lack of patience - I will get my head around all this and I will gather more strength. I'm so happy how much this site cheers me up. Thank you all so much

TonLee

I hate that cancer not only seeks to steal my life, but my time and attention from my kids. 

Basia

TonLee, you are so right, BC is stealing precious time away from our loved ones.  

I haven't told the girls I am having another surgery tomorrow, its out patient and the PS says I will be up and moving the following day. I had BMX with immediate implants, but I am not happy with how they look, so tomorrow I get new implants, hopefully the new ones will look more natural on me.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! The weather has been perfect this weekend, I feel guilty that we didn't go out anywhere yesterday, so we need to take the girls somewhere today. Finally temps in the 50's.  I am so sick of winter.  

  

Twinmom77

Basia - great hair story!  Hope the new implants work out well for you.

You know, during chemo I hated hearing (some, not all) older women talk about how all they could find the strength to do was lay on the couch all day (and please older women, don't jump on me, I know everyone tolerates tx differently!).  What I would have given to lay on the couch all day!  Don't get me wrong, there were a few days I did, but more often than not I was wiping poopy butts and breaking up toddler fights.  But my point is, looking back and now reading your stories, maybe we have it better than the women with grown kids.  We have our little guys and gals to do and say things that make us smile and laugh and remind us that we have to keep on keepin' on for them.  As much as I wished to be older and alone so that I could rest, I think it was better that I had a couple of someones to keep me busy and keep my mind off my troubles.

Anyway, coming from someone 21 months out from the mess of cancer, I can tell you all going through it now that things definitely do return to normal and you may find yourself complaining about the mundane things again someday too, lol.  I know I do on occasion even though I vowed I wouldn't!  It's nice in a way because it does mean things are back to normal, but I do still get irritated hearing people complain about the little things and I try to watch how I think and what I say.

Basia

Twin mom, I know what you mean! I feel bad thinking this way, but, I'm like, hey what are you complaining about? I'm going thru the same thing and chasing after two kids. But then again, chasing after the kids made me get up and not feel sorry for myself. I kept telling myself this is no harder than the first year with colicky twins.



Came home fro the hospital today and am hiding in my bedroom from the girls, as much as I love their hugs, I can't handle them right now. My husband is being awesome with them and told them I was sick and need to rest so they can't come into my bedroom. I don't know why, but my elbow hurts just as much as my boobs, go figure!

mdg

Basia:  How did the surgery go?  I hope you are feeling OK. 

Basia

Surgery went well, a little sore today, but I've been thru worse. I have to say, my boobs look amazing now! I hope they stay this size and shape! Now all I need to do is lose the weight I gained since being diagnosed and I'll be in great shape.

Its amazing how children react to this sort of stuff. A year ago my girls would be upset with me if I stayed in bed for a cold, now they are sending me to my bedroom so I can get some rest and as soon as I look like I am in pain they tell my husband mommy needs more medicine.

mdg

Basia:  I am glad your new boobs are pretty!  It gives me hope...I still have nasty TE's!  I hope your hubby is taking good care of you...sounds like it!  Get some rest and feel good! 

BioAdoptMom3

You are not alone!  Our youngest is older than your son (11 y/o daughter), but I find myself losing patience with her over the very small things too.  Actually to be honest, since my diagnosis anytime anything goes wrong, anything very minor even, I am over the top and I feel like I am losing it emotionally.  The guidance counselor at the school where I teach told me a few weeks ago that she thinks it is because we feel we have lost control of things once we have a cancer diagnosis, so when something like this happens, our child whines, we burn dinner, catch a cold, etc., subconsciously our emotions are just confirming to us that we are indeed not in control and we just explode.  Don't know how accurate that really is, but it sounds logical.  (((HUGS))) from a fellow mom who understands.

Nancy

simplesoul

Hello all. First post here. Boys ages 5 &6. Mommy hood is hard enough without bc! Some things that worked for us re: single mastectomy and chemo....



I told kids I would lose the "nana" and they wanted to see the incision as it healed. This kept it real and not scary for all of us. Plus they gave me kisses to feel better!



We read 2 great books to them: "when mommy had a mastectomy" and "nowhere hair". The 6 year old memorized them. The boys acted like they knew they were smart about things since they could quote the books. This seemed to really boost their confidence and banish fear.



Tonight they wanted to see my wig since they knew I bought one. They both tried it on,lol!



We've had reports from school about some acting out, and they are both coming into the parents bed more often. We snuggle them and talk about fears, about the doctor telling us this will get better. We've told the school and that helps to know the boys can get support there if they have their own meltdown. And I've done my share of melting over stupid mommy stuff too! I apologize when I've blown it and we seem to roll through somehow.



Good wishes and kids kisses to all!

profbee

I'm starting chemo next week--with a full-time job and a four-and-a-half-year-old.  Oy!  When they were scheduling my chemo appts, that's when I lost it--I turned to my husband and said, "But some days I don't have time to take a shower, how will I have TIME for breast cancer?!"  Even though we just have the one son, it's tough because he's always had us to play with--if I say "Honey, Mommy can't.  Mommy's tired" one more time I'll scream and I'm only one month into this saga!  Anyway, it's really nice to hear all of your stories.  Thank you for making me feel less alone today.  

Basia

Profbee, hang in there, it will be over soon and you can get back to normal with your son. I finished chemo Jan 26th and I am feeling myself again and have resumed normal activity level with my girls. Kids are resilient, they get over things quickly. When I ask my girls if they are mad at me for being mean the last few months they tell me they love and forgive me. Your son will help you get thru this. There is no time to feel sorry for yourself when you have a little one relying on you for everything. come back here whenever you need to.
Barbara