We All Have a Story

Laurie08

I have been coming to bc.org since April 2010 when I was diagnosed with stage O DCIS.  I have read and learned so much from everyone here.  Often the posting I read make me sad, for many reasons.  I read about other women who have become angels, or mothers trying to manage their treatment with small children.  Other times it is women trying to get pregnant while dealing with this disease.  Sometimes it is women going it alone and in desperate need for support.  We all have different burdens to carry, none heavier than another and none lighter. 

I often go to active topics and read subject titles in threads that are not my diagnosis and do not reach out because I feel it is in appropriate where I have been diagnosed stage 0.  I should say I am concerned about how others might feel if I posted my response.  I feel everyone is entitled to their privacy and to their stage board.  I am honestly not complaining about that aspect.  I am really not here to complain at all.  I wanted to try to create a space where anyone, of any stage, can tell their story and get it off their chest if they need to and know we as a group are here to listen.  There might already be a thread about his, if so I apologize for duplicating it, but I have not found it.  This is my story- as I see it. 

Six years ago my mother called me two days before Christmas and told me she had breast cancer.  She wanted to break the news before she arrived to celebrate.  Needless to say it was not a good Christmas.  My mother was/is my world, my best friend, my everything.  She went through lots of chemo and rads- hell she hiked the Grand Canyon on chemo, she was amazing.  After a few years she moved back to our home state because she "didn't want to come home to die."  I thought that was a silly reason, after all she wasn't going to die, but was so glad she was home.  Two years later she passed away.  I took FML leave from work and helped my father so she wouldn't have to go to a hospital to pass away. It was a very hard thing to do,  I wouldn't change a thing except to take the cancer away.  I love her.  I was 28, she was 57.

At 30 I had my first mammogram, strong family history and all that.  I did this while trying to get pregnant and having two sons.  I didn't breast feed so I could go for a mammogram asap after their births knowing what hormones can do.  I was that afraid of BC.  After my second son was born, when he was 4 months old I went for my mammogram.  Got called back, biopsy---you know the rest.  I got a BMX- terrified and wanting to do anything to save myself from my mothers fate and her mother before her.  So far I don't regret that decision.

I recently had my exchange surgery and as I was wheeled into surgery I was crying, when I woke up I was crying.  I don't remember any of it, I was told by my PS and my husband.  Sometimes I think things weigh on us more than we know.  I could go in more detail about my mother, her rads, her chemo, my surgery, how it effected all of us, you all know that part - for the most part.  But today at my post op appt my PS said "you were so emotional?"  I said "yha. I miss my mom, my Dad's been crazy ever since she died,  my Grandfather dies before Thanksgiving, I have two little boys and I am self employed and haven't taken a week off since I was diagnosed.  I guess I snapped." I smiled at him.  He says " you feel better know?"  I smiled and said,  "sure."  In my mind I know I'm not, I don't htik any of us really are.  But I hope I will be.

So, whats your story?

would like, please tell yours.

MissBianca

Hi Laurie! Thanks for starting this thread. I really like the concept of all of us supporting each other regardless of stage, and I think you posted this in a great section for that! I just wanted to say hello. I will write soon as I have to put my son to bed right now. There are a lot of great, supportive women here!

msippiqueen

You are a lovely daughter.



I'm 57 with a daughter 23 who was beginning pilot training in the Air Force on a T-6 last spring. I was going through testing for BC at that time. She forced my hand asking, "Do you have cancer?"



I found out she was willing to submit leave papers with the AF and delay her training if I needed treatment. She wanted to be there. I assured her that a mastectomy was likely w/o any more intervention and to please stay in her class/squad. I told her I'd be fine and we'd talk on the phone often.



Things worked out and she's now, today, learning to fly formation in the T-38! My prayers are now about her as she inches closer to deployment.



Mothers & daughters; may we always feel one anothers presence even after our earthly journey ends.



Laurie08, you're a daughter for the ages. God bless you.

Laurie08

msippiquen, thank you so much for your kind words.  It sounds as though your daughter is a "daughter for the ages" too.  Going through my mothers cancer was hard, but we were doing it together.  Going through my own journey now has been hard.  It makes me miss her so very much.  She just understood me, better than I understand myself. 

MissBianca

Hi Laurie,

I am so sorry to hear that you have had to deal with all of this, both for yourself and your mother. It was wonderful what you did for her. You will never have to second guess that you did all you could. I have a good friend who had a mother that he was close to that was terminal from BC. He had plans to teach English in Japan, and she encouraged him to go. Seven months later, she passed, but held on long enough so her son could say goodbye. He made it back to the States and to her side two hours before she passed. That was several years ago, and I think he is still plagued with his emotions from it.

It is so difficult to have a young child going through this, and you have two. For me, I have an 8 year old boy with autism, and so, as much as I have worried about what may happen in the future, it has made me fight for my life, so that I will be around a long time for him.

I have only two relatives, counting both sides of the family, that have had cancer. The last thing that I thought I would ever have was this. I discovered it when I woke up in the early morning hours with my thumb on my lump. I felt like my stomach dropped with a feeling of dread. My unconscious mind knew. But, even so, I convinced myself it couldn't possibly be, and I would search for it again, and then it would just feel a little firmer and thicker, not really a lump. Anyway, I had a mammogram and was told everything looked good. I believed them until a dimple that started forming grew deeper. I lost 7 months, though, that it could have been treated. I had some lymph node involvement, and so I have been struggling not to let that rob me of peace of mind.

After focusing on the lengthy physical tx, I felt like a marathon runner that collapsed after reaching the finish line. I was not ready to deal with the side effects, the effects of long term hormone tx, and the emotional aftermath. I had been so focused on finishing tx that I thought I would have my old self back when I was done.

I am doing better these days, but it is definitely a slow climb. It has been great to come here and find encouraging voices.

Msippiqueen, you have an amazing daughter, and it is wonderful hearing the love and appreciation you have for her. A pilot! Wow!

msippiqueen

You young women are every bit as brave and courageous as my daughter, more so.



The strength and grace so evident in your postings humble me. I wish I could have you over and fix you a meal.



I'll raise a hot cup of cocoa your direction tonight and send you my very best.

MissBianca

I love hot cocoa!! Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement. The next time I have a cup of it, I will think of you!

Laurie08

Missbianca and msippiqueen, I think you are both very sweet.  Missbianca, you prove my point of why I started this thread.  You said you understood how hard it is for me to go through this with young children.  It is hard, but you have an 8 year old, which is hard too.  I am fortunate that my boys are young and hopefully won't remember this.  With my first surgery my youngest at 6 months wanted nothing to do with me because I couldn't feed him or lift him to sooth him.  But I didn't have to explain things either.  Our burdens are not heavier than another or lighter- it is all difficult.  I'm sorry you don't feel like you have your old self back, yet, on a level, good to hear I am not alone in feeling that way.  I get so sick of faking it, I think that's why I was emotional at my last surgery when most women would be happy. 

I send you both a big hug.

MissBianca

Sending warm thoughts!

Fighter_34

I love reading this ladies I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter, and I can't even think about anything happening to her after I am fighting to be with her.

I am just too emotional to post here right now.

MissBianca

Gentle hugs for you, Fighter, and your precious daughter. We will be here...

Laurie08

Fighter, I so understand how you feel.  MIssBianca said it well- gentle hugs and we are here for you.

Meece

MissBianca invited me to tell my story, as she had read it in another thread where I was encouraging others not to give up on the prospect of love, just because they had been dx'd with BC.

I had been in a marriage of 21 1/2 years in which the majority had been oppressive and abusive. I was trying to figure out how to get out of the marriage and still be able to support my three boys. The first went into the military, but was terribly concerned about leaving me. Then one morning I felt a lump. It was if it came up over night and it was unmistakable. I started working harder on finding a way to make my exit. After 17 year of sharing a business with Ex, I found a part time job. Then, I left.

I got my diagnosis and got up to surgery(a partial mx) without any outside support because my SIL out of state was dying of pulmonary failure and my family was with her and my brother. My parents came home in time to be there on the day of surgery and confirmation that I had TN BC. I began chemo and lost ALL my hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes. I got a nice wig and continued working my part time job and going to chemo after the job. I missed one day for surgery. A couple of months into chemo my BF gave me a membership to an on line matchmaking service. She had explained it was just to visit with other people. HA!

That first night I looked through profiles and saw several that caught my eye. I sent one a PM and that started an on-line relationship, and a week later we began dating. I did not tell him of my BC to begin with. I didn't want to put it out there if the relationship wasn't going anywhere. The first night we kissed, my wig slipped and I had to tell him. He asked for another date.

We dated through the rest of my chemo, and he asked to come with me to my last one. We dated through radiation and through my hair regrowing. About 13 months after we met, we got engaged, and we married 4 months later.

We have been married 5 years and 4 months and he has been there for just about every doctor appointment and two reconstructive surgeries and the recovery. Also two other surgeries. Each time I have woke to him beside my bed.

I am a lucky woman. I know this is not the typical story, but it is mine. We have our issues, but none of them are related to BC. 3 years ago at Christmas we needed to go to a party and I had one of my melt downs because I had nothing to wear hat would minimize the obvious lopsidedness I had. DH carefully went to the Christmas tree and went through the gifts and pulled one out. Inside was a beautiful red turtleneck sweater.

I hope that this little insight into my life brings hope to those of your who are suffering through the loneliness of BC. I know it can be lonely, because although I had a companion, I came home every night alone. yes I had my boys, but it isn't a substitute for someone to talk about the intimate issues of the day.

Oh, how this website would have helped me back then. I found it...oops, no....DH found it for me In Sept. 09 when I was facing another bx. What a special man.

**********************************************************************

Last night the final chapter of my "first life" came to an end with the death of my first husband.  My DH has been kind and supportive in my anger, grief and total irrationalism the past 18 hours.  I appreciate him being there for me, and allowing me to be there for my wonderful boys in this time of loss for them.

Anjanita

Thanks for your stories.  All around us people are hurting, grieving and struggling.  Sometimes I can get so caught up in my own "stuff" that it's easy to forget that.

Mine will be a quickie.  After I've been here a while maybe I'll say more about all the mountains I've climbed.  I know I've got a list of woes but I found a safe place to put those precious pieces of my life and keep them stored away where they don't call back any feelings that I don't want to entertain at present.

All my life it seems, everytime I'm just ready to start a new phase of my growth, I am given a new life-threatening DX.  And, when I review it, it seems like for most of my life I have taken care of other people. 

Now my children are nearly middle-aged, my in-laws and parents have passed on, I am retired and my husband is about to retire in a year.  So I've been so excited to finally have some years where I don't have to be accountable to so many people.  I can come and go, get at that bucket list and laze around a bit without feeling guilty.

I've been working on my health in a heavy-duty way for the last three years so I would be fit to take on the challenges of some things I want to do and was told by my doctors that I did a good job.  Lowered my BP, cholesterol levels, lost weight, have a healthy heart and lungs.

Then I get this blasted diagnosis. Here we go again.

My first thought when they told me was, "Oh no!  Not again. No fair!"  I was angry and actually felt like giving up for a while."

Then it occurred to me that my task right now is to heal.  That's what I'm supposed to be doing.  And I thought, "Well, heck, I can do that.  I know the recipe."

I'm focussing all my attention on healing and trying to keep that attitude.  I've done it before; I can do it again.

Secret:  Some days I get impatient!

MissBianca

Sending soothing thoughts...

Thank you so much Meece and Anjanita for sharing your stories. It is timely Meece, that I asked you to share your story today, not knowing that the final chapter of the first part of your life had been written last night. I think you are such an inspiration in your triumph over adversity on so many levels. God is good, and He has carried you.

Anjanita,  every time I read what you write, it emanates with such calm, peaceful wisdom. I know what you mean about keeping pieces carefully stored away. I started to think of my life as a mosaic, with shattered pieces that fit nowhere before, but now have come together to form something new and good, even with all the cracks. Your focus on healing is great.

Anjanita

Thanks.  I'm reading you also, and many other women, and soaking up all the good parts. (Along with the cocoa.)

nora_az

hi everyone.....

My story?

Well, I am 47 years old. I have a son who is in his 3rd year in University and a son who will graduate from high school this May who has high functioning autism.

I have a family history of cancer. Quite significant really. My mom had colon cancer when she was in her early 50's and then breast cancer just 9 years ago. Her brother had breast cancer 5 years ago. They are both breast cancer survivors. Their parents both died of cancer.

I had successful breast reduction surgery at the end of August of '09. I discovered a lump in my breast the end of May/beginning of June '10. I put it off thinking it was scar tissue for 2 months. I finally went in and found out that I had IDC. I am triple positive

I had DIEP on October 13, 2010. I am going in for round 6 of 6 TC treatments on Friday. Herceptin till November.

slg2130

My mom was diagnosed when I was 14 years old, and I was holding her hand 12 years later when she died.  I was the one who told her that it was okay to stop fighting and that my brother and I would be okay.  Got my first mammogram when I was 25 and had one yearly since then.

Fast forward.  The day before my 42nd birthday, I was diagnosed.  My mom and I were both diagnosed at the age of 41.  My nurse navigator has the same name as my mom...and "angel" is part of her last name.  The anesthesiologist had my dad's name.  I had surgery in October on my mom's birthday, and when I came home, one of my daisies was blooming (my mom's favorite flower).  Coincidence?  Maybe; maybe not.

I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old.  We just buried my Grandma last week - cancer.  Now my mind is reeling because I keep thinking every little ache and pain - things that I would have ignored before - might be "something" now.  I'm 42 years old, and I SO want to be around to watch my kids grow up.  It tears my heart apart to think about their life without their mom in it.  And I know how that feels because I've lived it.

I'm normally a pretty positive person, but the past couple of weeks have really knocked me off center. I just want to be done with treatment (08-Jun), cowboy up and get on with life.  I'm just wondering at what point I'll start to think less about the breast cancer and the ugly possibilities and start enjoying more each and every day?