I have totally reevaluated the kind of man I want...

Fearless_One

Since BC, and going through most of it alone, I really want a kind and nurturing man.   Maybe this makes me selfish?   But I figure as long as I can give back to someone the same things I desire, that's okay, right ?  I just want a man who loves me and cares about me and who will be with me if I get sick again.    But I know men also are drawn to youth, health and vibrancy, so I feel conflicted.

Tell me I am not living in a fairytale?  No one has ever really been there for me and I want to know that the man I seek is out there....because all the men I have dated have been pretty self-absorbed.  

dlb823

Fearless, your thinking sounds completely clear and on-target to me.  After many years of dating self-absorbed (great choice of words!) men, what attracted me the most to my DH 30 years ago was the way he treated me, which was entirely different from other men.  And 28 years later, when bc hit and he proved to be amazingly strong, nuturing and supportive, my choice was totally reaffirmed.

I'm sorry you've had to face bc alone, but I hope & pray that the new awareness it sounds like it's given you about the kind of man you want will help you recognize him when he comes into your life, as I'm sure he will.    Deanna 

Fearless_One

Thanks, Deanna....I know these men exist because I hear you ladies talk about them, so I don't think I am dreaming a pie-in-the-sky man.  

When I told my last guy how I didn't feel he had been there for me, he said I was being "selfish" and "arrogant".   It really stung, but I have since surmised that he is troubled and had a mean streak, so I try to not let his words cut too deep.   He since apologized, but I still feel I wish to cut the cord with him and make room in my life for a more caring man if I were to meet one.

Laurie08

I think when it comes to choosing a person you are going to spend your life with, don't settle, ever.  You deserve exactly the type of man you are describing.  I am thankful everyday for my husband.  I met him when I was 21, he was not my type (too nice:) and he asked me out, I said no thanks.  A few months later he asked again, I said no thanks.  Then he asked one more time and I said ummm- alright.  Sometimes the last person you think will be your soul mate is.    I am now 35, two young kids and been with my hubby for 14 years.  When BC hit, he never blinked, he had 100% faith that all would be fine, when everyone we told cried, he and I together just talked our way through it.  Even when I couldn't lift or care for my boys for 6 weeks after my BMX and he was Mr Mom and he never complained.  (although he was very happy when he went back to work and I took over again.)  You will find your guy, just keep your mind and self open.

Fearless_One

I won't settle, but it's hard at 45 not to.   Much different than in your 20's, much smaller dating pool now.   But I don't feel I am looking for too much.   Just a kind, honest guy for starters.

dlb823

Fearless, Laurie gave you the best advice, about keeping your mind & heart open.  And you're at a great age to attract more mature men who know who they are and where they're going.  Not sure how much you want to converse about your situation here, but I'm interested and would be happy to chat with you in PMs.  Do you have opportunities to meet people where you live?   Do you have friends who know you're looking who might know someone?     Deanna 

Fearless_One

Deanna, I agree.   I do want to be open-minded, and not jaded.   My boyfriends have not been the best, but maybe this cancer will show me I need to make better choices now.   Thank you for your offer, I will PM you later with more detail...that is very kind of you...

I don't really meet people in my city - it's kind of a shallow place (well, South Florida), and I am looking to move, but want to be all healed physically, first.   I just don't care what kind of boat someone has or the coolest restaurant, you know?   I want a real down-to-earth guy and I don't meet many of those here. 

Plus, not to knock myself or anything, but very beautiful women here and much empasis placed on looks.   I am average, not beautiful.   

kickazz

I am in the same boat.. I broke up with a boyfriend of 4 years right before my diagnosis.  When I was diagnosed- he was there and I believe due to vulnerability- I let him back in.  It was 2 weeks after my bilat mast and 4 drains hanging out of me he starts accusing me of having an emotional affair- REALLY- I just had my boobs cut off.  Ugh.. I decided to do this alone- focus only on me- and my kid of course- do an eat, prey, love later thing.  But, some days I get lonely- like tonight-  Its scary wondering about the future- but gotta do day by day.  Sucks sometimes- 

Cat123

I'm single right now and going through chemo.  I look back at the men I have dated the last several years.....self-absorbed jerks.  'Bad boys' is you will  When I am ready to start dating, I'm going to be very picky...I want a really nice, good-hearted man.  I hope I can find one!  I look at myself though...why was I going for emotionally unavailable men?  I think I have been afraid of getting heavily involved with a nice guy because I have been hurt so subconciously, I was choosing men who really weren't available for a loving relationship.  Although, I hope he doesn't mind my fake boob!

Fearless_One

It's just really hard, seems even the "nice" ones just don't ask me out much.   It really helps to be beautiful, which I am not.   Some days I think that is all men care about, how hot you are.  

georgianna

there should be a dating site: Been to hell and back.com for all of us with healing bodies...

Hang in there Fearless. I don't know what your stage of health is at now, but do the things you want to do and invest in yourself, and he will come.

Fearless_One

Georgianna, there is a site for people with health issues called prescriptionforlove.com, but it has a really small member base.  Too small, really.

Fearless_One

I wish I could meet a man who was like me - a good heart, been through cancer, average to below-average looks....wants a serious relationship....

Diva

Fearless, my ex boyfriend left me after I had my bilat mx, saying that he was being selfish and left to be with a "perfect" girl.  That's how I felt at the time, I was not perfect anymore.  Since then, I am now waiting for Mr Right to come along.  And I too want someone who is going to love me and nuture me too.  After going through this experience, I honestly think I feel like all men will walk away when I need them, so don't want to open my heart to anyone.  But also, I haven't really been out on any dates for about a year.  I don't know if knowing that I am a cancer survivor is scaring guys off, but at 40, I am frustrated.  I don't know what to do anymore, so am just taking one day at a time and hoping that someone will look past the scars and see me for who I truly am.

Fearless_One

Diva, I am so sorry he did that to you.   Ugg....so frustrating!   I am torn between wanting a serious relationship but feeling distrustful and negative towards men.   I hear about wonderful DH's on this board, but honestly, not a lot of great boyfriend and dating stories here.   We are not alone in that regard.

Lena

I think there's probably a catch-22 to this. That is, I know "good" men (the ones who don't leave and are supportive) exist since I have one, but keep in mind -- I met my Pack Rat BEFORE the BC. I wasn't young and gorgeous (I was 41, he was 37), but neither did I have terminal cancer. So what I think is if you're healthy enough at the time you meet a guy and are in a serious relationship with him awhile before you get the cancer (we'd been together 6 pushing 7 years at the time I was diagnosed), the more likely it is he'll stay with you when you do get it -- unless, of course, you meet a man who has cancer himself and is obviously able to empathize and probably doesn't care too much if your appearance isn't "perfect" since his probably isn't either.

But like I said, it's a catch-22 if you have to meet the guy while you're healthy but you already got the cancer! :-P Like what the hell good is THAT, huh? 

RebzAmy

This is to you all and esp to FearlessOne 

A very strange thing has happened to me recently and having read this thread I felt that I'd like to post particularly for FearlessOne when I read the bit about you wishing you could meet somebody like you who'd been through cancer.

 Firstly I did have a relationship when I was going through treatment and looking back, he could have treated me much better than he did treat me but at the time I think it just took my mind off things that were going on and helped me through that time.

Just before diagnosis I had met a man who I'd really liked chemistry wise. He'd been through the most awfully traumatic time having lost his wife 10 months prior and also losing his brother before that both to cancer. He and I were together literally for weeks before he went off to drown in his own sorrow - completely understandably and I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  He occasionally contacted me during this time to see how I was doing but I had moved on from him and forgotten about him. However he hadn't forgotten about me. Fast forward 4 years. He called me and asked if we could meet and chat. Asked for a second chance and apologised loads for being the way he was 4 years ago and knew he had to make it up to me and prove that this was what he really wanted - a relationship.

Cut a long story short - it's amazing and he's amazing. He says and does the most amazing things. We've been dating a month. It's all actions and words. He hasn't seen what I look like yet but I've told him. I've told him I get scared often - he said he wants to be there for me. He doesn't seem phased by anything - after all he's seen it before and been through it. What gets me is why why why does he want to be with me? I'm terrified of being with him as I like him so much but I'm scared of it coming back, scared of how he'd deal/cope with it and hoping hoping hoping that I will be ok but obviously nobody can tell me that although it's been 3 1/2 years since diagnosis now.

My head is in a bit of turmoil - here I have the perfect thing going on and I'm the one putting the brakes on.

anyway ladies so who knows what will be but all i know is that last night he sent me a beautiful text and I sent him one back saying you always say the nicest things to me and he replied back saying that's because I care about you so much...and always will.

RebzAmy x

Fearless_One

Cat, I feel the same as you.   Always was with men who wouldn't commit to me.   I don't buy that they were afraid, because they often went on to have committed relationships with someone else, but for some reason they never seem to want that with me. 

It is surreal to me now to picture myself in a loving, healthy relationship.   I've just never had one, and at 45, maybe I never will.  

Hopefloats41725

RebzAmy - Thank God, he came back, but four years!  I see you have been posting for the last three and a half years.  You are giving us possibities that maybe that one special person will be back, but four years!  Gosh, I haven't ever been single over a two year period.  I am glad that he came back, but wish my guy would quickly, before I end up with someone else.  I am trying to let God lead, but I want to pull the raines sometimes myself, having patience is hard to have.  

RebzAmy

Hi HopeFloats

Yes 4 years is a long time but in terms of where we both are now - it's the right time. He was so in love with his wife that when she passed away he felt life wasn't worth living and the only reason he was still there was because of his young son. He seems to have healed now and accepted what happened. I've been out with other men inbetween but just never met anybody I thought i could spend the rest of my life with - this is different although the thought of it does scare me a little. I'm also scared coz he's been through so much and I'm still nervous about what happened to me and the what ifs! So on the one hand I'm really happy and the other hand I'm the one putting the brakes on it all as it all seems to be happening so quickly. Also what's good is that I hadn't ever thought that there could be somebody I had liked who would come back for me - just couldn't be bothered with dating anymore but this has taken me completely by surprise - in a nice way

Cat123

Hi Fearless One,  I feel the same way but I bet we will end up with loving committed relationships because after bc, we are looking for something different.....not men who won't commit to a relationship.  Our priorities have changed.  A friend of a friend of mine went through bc....double mx, recon, chemo, and then met the love of her life who didn't care.  There are some good men out there!

Cat123

Hi Rebzamy,   I think your story is great and this sounds like a great opportunity to get into a wonderful relationship.  Take things slowly and see where it goes.

Anonymous

Iam new to this site,but not new to breast cancer,I also had a BMS,then it came back last april, on my spine,hasnt moved,i feel great, anyway,I havent been in a relationship for 3 years, I had a long bad 6 year relationship, a total jerk etc. I was lonely at first, I have a great loving support system, went back to work,kept busy,did as much fun things as i could with everyone ,now three years later,I have no interest in being in a relationship, Im a survivor,strong,independent,I love my life,love who I have become!!! I will never ever settle again, just to be with someone. I  love my little perky new breasts, with the scars, If i ever do meet someone, and they are what I want in a man, they are going to be one hell of a lucky man to have someone like me!!   thankyou for this site, you are all so supported, so strong, brave and loving women! survivors!!! By the way Im 55 years young!

Fearless_One

Cat, I love hearing those stories, they give me hope.   Your friend - how did they meet and how long have they been together? 

mybee333

I am thinking no man for a while might be nice.  Like to find out who the 'real' me is.  It's about time.  Also - so much to deal with.  Men complicate things infinitely.  And generally, you have to take care of them.  No.  Not right now.  I have enough on my plate, thank you!!

Fearless_One

It is interesting...women who have been with someone for so long often "need a break" and want to be alone, and those of us who have been alone for so long think it sucks and wish we could be in a relationship, lol!