I need your help. It is my mother

alicia_en_madrid

Hello,
My name is Alicia and I am writing from Spain. So, I say sorry in advance for my mistakes (Spanish is my mother tongue).
I did not want to post this on the Stage IV board.....I am so confused.
I am here because of my mother. I got to know this boards one and a half years ago, but I only lurked and never posted. In May 2009 my mother had suffered breast cancer (2006), a local recurrence (2008) and in may 2009 the doctor had seen 2 small nodules in her lungs (and that is when i started reading everything I could about the desease), which, so far theY seem to be benign (they did not grow).
However, they have seen now a tumor (suggestive of metastasis) in her ovary and they are going to take them and analyze them. See if this is metastatic from BC or a new primary I guess. I wish it was nothing, but the doctor did not really live any space to remind optimistic. I know that ovary is not the most common place when BC metastize, but she hat Infintrating Lobillouar Carcicoma, which is a kind of BC that metastize there.
I am devastated. As I have said, since her recurrence in 2008 I have tried to read everything I could about this disease and I have learnt a lot about what is important about life. I have come to this boards thinking that any kind of advance that would help to cure breast cancer would be published here too.
My boyfriend broke up with me one month ago (he lives in England, so we had a distance ralationship but I did not want to leave my mother in Madrid even though one month ago I still had reasons to be optimisstic), and even though I do have friends here, I am not sure if they can really support me.
I have a job and I am working for the same bank my mother does, in the same building, so everybody knows and loves her there. Just imagine how close we are. I know that I am kind of depending on her a lot (especially since I do not have my boyfriend to support me), but I just cannot always cry with her, and I guess this is why I am here and why i am going to try to go to the psycologist as soon as possible or to search for support in a cancer institution in Madrid.
Most of you are mothers. I am not a child, this is the good thing. I am 26 and my brother is 28, so in this sense I know how difficult it has to be when you have younger children...I think I am "mature" enough, but this is the worst thing that could happen to me. My mother is the soul of my whole familly and so far the stronger person I know, but I know I have to be strong in case she feels down.
She reminds optimistic or at least this is what she says to me, but I know she will always try to protect me. I am afraid that when the doctors give her the results that will impact her and in that moment I cannot be another worry.
As I have said, I have learnt to live the present and to appreciate the smalls things in life and I also believe that to have a full life does not mean to live until you are 80, but this is still too hard.
She is the best present I ever had. She is sweet, always worrying about the others, has millions of friends (sorry that she does not speak English and cannot communicate with you). She is funny and perfect in every field of her life: daughter, sister, college at work, trade unionist, friend, wife and mother. The best mother.
Please, those of you who are mothers, tell me what you would expect of your kids. I know that the most important thing for a mother is to see her kids happy, but, How do you think the could deal with this? I just feel like crying, praying (even though I am not a religious person) and I cannot sleep well or concentrate. I am so scare.
Two years ago I though that by 2010 someone would come with a kind of "cure" (chronic did sound pretty good to me, too) and I am disapointed it has not been this way.
I will post and ask about the desease when we have they analize the tumor and say sth about the treatment. But right know I am more concerned about the pycological aspect (I am not a doctor, I can't really do anything to help apart from gathering information), I think that the "pycological aspect" is the only one I can work on .
Thank you in advance for your replies. I wish nobody had to go through this.
Alicia

shells43

Hi Alicia,

I have a son and a daughter (21 and 18) and I think you sound like a wonderful daughter. It is a blessing that you are so close and supportive of your mother, but I also can see how this diagnosis will be hard for you as well because you are so close. Your cancer center should have some kind of family support meetings for people with cancer that might be good for you to attend together.  This is a very emotional time for you now, learning of the recurrences. I don't have any experience with this but I wanted you to know that we are here for you, and I think that you are doing the right things getting as much information as you can to help your mother. If she is doing well psychologically, then you can support her by being positive and helping out as much as you can. I'm sure you already are. It is a good time to ask how she is feeling and do what you can to make her feel better. But also take care of yourself if you need some support. It will make it easier to be a caregiver if you get some support from friends and coworkers. Maybe you could organize your coworkers to bring some meals to your house when she needs them, or to send cards. I'm sure others here will come with other ideas. Don't mourn her yet, it sounds like she has a good attitude and is getting very good care, so she most likely has many years ahead of her.

Cocococo103036

Hello Alicia,

This is real life and its tough, tough, tough. You sound like a great daughter. There are two things happening here - one is your mother's disease progression and how it is affecting her - and the second is your reaction to her disease and what is happening to her and its effects on you. One of the more frustrating things about BC is having to deal with the burden of the disease in conjunction with the distressed emotions of those that love or care about you. In many ways if the people closest to you become emotional messes, that can be worse than facing the disease. Also difficult is the pressure from people who care from you to have treatment X or treatment Y, when that is not what you want to do. So the advice I give is this - obtain as soon as possible professional support to enable you to manage your own emotions about this so you can remain as calm as possible to remain useful - in the practical sense - to your mother. She no doubt loves her children deeply and this is what is so hard for her - the pain of causing you pain or distress can actually be worse than the pain or distress of her own diagnosis.The other thing I want to say is people who are relentlessly positive about the disease can be disturbing or exhausting to be around. I attended a BC post surgical group exercise class where we had to agree on certain ground rules such as confidentiality about whatever passes between us and so on - all that was understandable but then the facilitator said one of the rules was we had to be positive. That can be very hard and in fact counterproductive. Your mother may get angry or have bad news and she needs to be free enough not to have to remain upbeat and positiveespecially whenthat is not how she feels. I am trying to paint the picture for you of the terrible stress of handling the burden of the diagnosis and treatment and be surrounded by support people who require things from you that you no longer have the energy to give. So as hard as it will be - I would suggest you consider listening to what your mother says she wants, and respecting her wishes even in situations where you may want her to do something else. One of the toughtest aspects of this disease is realising people are not listening to what you want because the chatter in their own heads about their fears about the disease for themselves, or their opinions about treatment or their need to remain upbeat don't allow them to just sit with you, breathe and listen. You need to obtain support from a source independent of your mother so when you spend time with her, you are fully present for her. From your email it sounds like you have a very special woman as a mother so may I say how much I envy the quality of the relationship. I was diagnosed in 2010 and have not told any of my biological family about it, including my mother, as I simply cannot cope with the energy sucking emotional drama that would ensue if I did. You are so fortunate to have shared your life with what sounds like a wonderful woman.  

TriciaK

Hi Alicia- I have two daughters who were a wonderful support to me through my own treatments five years ago, and I know your Mom is lucky to have you and appreciates that.

If your Mom does have mets it will mean treatment, but it's still possible with a good response for her to get over this too, many stage iv ladies are treated now as chronic rather than terminal.

I'd suggest waiting until you have the full report and know what you're dealing with, then you can get a treatment plan which will empower you, if only by fighting back. I the meanwhile just be there if your Mom needs you (as you are) and I pray for benign results for her.

I have a friend that speaks fairly good spanish and lives in Spain too and loves it there:)

Tricia x