My relationship: he is making me feel guilty for having cancer

PinkSurvivor

I looked for a forum regarding relationships but didn't seem to find any and hoping that maybe I could come on here to vent.

I have been living with my boyfriend of 5 years, I have 2 little girls ages 6 and 9 from a previous marriage.  My boyfriend is actually the one who found the lump and was with me when I received the news that I had breast cancer.  I was only 33 years old with no family history of breast cancer, so I was in total shock.

He has done his best to be there for me, went to all my doctor appointments with me, went to all my chemo treatments, surgeries, etc with me but now I feel like it is getting to be too much for him.  I really feel like he just cannot do this anymore.  The cancer is taking a toll on him, I don't know how to help him because I am trying to deal with things within myself.

I have tried working almost the whole time, but it is never enough.  I took off work 12-23-10 because I was going to have my mar3kings for surgery done and I wanted to just spend time with my kids since I was having double mastectomy with breast reconstruction 12-27-10.  He just didn't seem to understand that I was afraid I was going to die and never see my kids again.  He makes at least 3xs what I make, he has always paid all the bills, which I have always been extremely gratful for.

He makes me feel guilty for having cancer, guess that is why we have been together for 5 years and not even engaged, that should tell me something.  Being married you take a vow to be there in sickness and health, and although he has been there for me in the past, I feel like he is pulling away more and more.  All I do is cry.  I just don't understand why he is making me feel this way, he always states he didn't bargin for this, well you know what, I didn't either.  I just don't know where to go or who to turn too.  I am embarassed to talk to my family and friends regarding this. He has actually told me to move out on several occasions but he knows I have no where to go.  I feel like I am in an abusive relationship where he says really mean and hurtful things to me and then apologizes.  I never forget the things he says to me when he is angry.  He has had to take on cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, paying all the bills, helping with the kids.......and I think it is just to much.  Plus seeing me bald,overweight, all these scars, now my breast removed is taking a toll on him as well.  Is it really too much to ask for someone to love me for me?  To just be there for me during this rough time?

Sorry to have rambled on and on, like I said I just didn't know where else to turn and I needed to vent.

Thank you & God Bless,

Tina

Houndmommy

Tina,

Vent away!  I am sorry for all you are having to deal with.  Sending hugs to you.

Kim

JanetinVirginia

Hi Tina.  This journey taxes even the longest & best relationships (married or not).  You both have 5 years invested and sounds like he has tried to step up to the plate by helping.  When he's stressed about it all, he probably has no other outlet to get that out.   And, goodness knows you're going through your own h*ll with bc.  Have you approached subject of getting some couples counseling?  Having a third party help both of you face feelings, fears, etc. and understand each other can really help. 

Makratz

(((Tina))

MJLToday

Sweetie -- NO you don't deserve this treatment.  It does sound like you are in an abusive relationship. 

You deserve to have someone love you.  I just don't know if this is the man to do it.  It may be too much for him to deal with, married or not.  Some spouses do the same thing with pulling away.

Would he agree to counseling?  If he won't, maybe you could go by yourself.

Treat yourself gently, please.  I was 34 when first diagnosed, so I know your fears.

NatsFan

Tina - no it is not too much to ask someone to love us when our treatments leave us scarred, fat, bald, boobless, unable to help around the house, and scared about what the future might hold.  We have CANCER!!!!  Love means that we're there for the other person when they need us, and they're there for us when we need them.  If the situation were reversed and your SO had scars and was fat, bald, fatigued, and scared from cancer treatment, wouldn't you still love and support him?

Check your local cancer resourse and support center - they may be able to give you some leads on counselors who deal with the special stresses cancer can place on us and our relationships and may even run programs you can attend.  Yes, he's scared too and that might be making him say things he normally wouldn't.  Or it could be that he's really like this and it just took the cancer to bring out that side of him.  A good counselor can help you sort out the answers and decide whether this is a relationship that you want to or can salvage or if it's beyond salvaging.  In any case, you need to take care of yourself first.  Hugs to you!   

Letlet

I have heard the phrase "caregiver burnout". It does sound like he had been stepping up to the plate for a while which is more than what some men do. Can he go to a support group for caregivers? We all say things sometimes in the heat of anger that we regret. Not trying to defend him or anything but I'm just saying that we are all human. Many men would not do the cooking, cleaning or helping out or be there for every single doctor's appointment but he did. You said he has told you to move out but at the same token he can drop everything and leave (even if let's say it was his place). There is a reason why he is still with you.

mightymon

Hi Tina,

I'm so so sorry you have to go though this on top of BC. ((((((hugs))))))