I say yes, you say no, OR People are Strange

AnnNYC

((((((Bren))))))

It's so good you're going -- I really hope today is an aberration and you get to have a real visit.  I'll be thinking of you.

crazy4carrots

Bren, so glad to hear that Tim is home!  Safe journey tomorrow and strength for the weekend.  You know we'll all be thinking of you, your sister and your dear cousin.

(((((Bren))))) 

bluedahlia

(((((((((Bren)))))))))

So much on your plate.

kad2kar

Bren----- Safe and peaceful trip. Prayers to your cousin and her family. Prayers for you and your sister. We are here when you return.      kad2kar

Ang7

Thinking of you and your family Bren...

Enjoyful

Safe journey tomorrow, Bren.  I hope you and your family find some peace and comfort.  Hugs always!

E

suzieq60

DH gone on his golfing trip - frozen pizza for dinner - got the same one as last week - will have to crack open a bottle of wine to go with it.

Ended up having a sickie today. DH was up at 1am reading tax cases on the puter, then made lots of noise closing the french doors upstairs and woke me up. Result = Susie up at 1 am reading the blogs. He slept upstairs which was mean seeing he was going away, but I don't blame him with me wriggling around all night. At least I slept in a bit.

Bren - hope the long flight wasn't too bad.

Sue

suzieq60

It's been really hot here - no rain in sight - hate it. I could jump in the pool but the water is still really cold. I think it must have been 30 today. I'm stripped down to a sarong and knickers and a fan on me.

1Athena1

((((Bren))))



I am away at a conference having a great time. Only my bank has been giving me a hard time. I hate banks. Necessary evils with the latter beimg the operative word.

Enjoyful

Come visit us, susieq!  Brisk winds and much cooler temps for the mid-atlantic regions.  One of those rolling-rubbish-bins days. I had to chase mine down the street and throw myself on top of it.  Hurt myself in the process, of course, because that is what I do.

Had a CT of chest and pelvis this morning.  Scanxiety hit right after I left the radiologist's suite.  Two Xanax later, still jittery but at least I've stopped crying.  My goodness, you'd think I'd be used to it by now and not be such a big baby.

Hoping that Brenda had an easy journey and is enjoying her family.  

Hugs to all!

bluedahlia

E, scanxiety sucks big time.  Treat yourself to something good!

crazy4carrots

Bren -- hoping you and Sis are having a comforting time with your cousin.  We're thinking of you!

E -- BD has the right idea -- treat yourself, cuz you're special and you deserve it!

Athena -- Banks are not friends, they're just a necessary evil (however, I don't deal with banks, I trust my friendly credit union!).

Susieq -- Stop complaining about the heat to us folk in the northern hemisphere!  It was COLD today and DH tells me he experienced a bit of hard rain while out doing some shopping.  A bit of a shock, after a few sunny days in the high teens -- celcius, that is.....

rosemary-b

E

Scanxiety is terrible.

Susieq

i woke up to an inch of snow this morning. It melted but I miss summer.

suzieq60

We could swap - I much prefer a bit cooler. Remember your heat waves last summer - it sounded horrible. You should be jealous of our winter weather - it's really nice.

E - hope the scans results are good.

Sue

CherrylH

SusieQ,

It was 30 her also, that  30F, not 30C.

Knock it off, before I cut you off at the bar!

suzieq60

Yes mamm - going to have a nap - falling asleep playing solitaire - lucky I did the washing early this morning. I'll have a G&T please.

208sandy

E - hate that you're having scanxiety - I'm already having it and scans aren't until December 21!

Having a bit of a giggle thinking of you diving onto trash bins - please don't do that.

Hugs, S.

suzieq60

Nap over - feel much better.

I got my aromasin today - will start taking it on Monday - hope it's better than arimidex.

Anonymous

Thinking of Bren, sending hugs.

E- scanxiety, I get the chills thinking of how you feel.  LIterally, goosepimple chills. I've been thinking of this a lot lately.  Had my 6 month regular "checkup" at Dana Farber - worse part for me is mostly the 250 mile round trip drive - home in the WORST rainstorm I've ever encountered.  And it gave me lots of time to think.  MassPike traffic moving at about 50 mph, that's how bad the rain was.

Don't yet have the words - it's not as palpable as fear, not the anxiety E is feeling, about a specific scan or test.  It's more this F%@#ing constant presence of BC.  It's been almost 5 years - BLMX, lots of chemotherapy, Grade 3, high Oncotype, early stage IDC, node negative - and a faithful, and I mean faithful never skip a day member of the A Team for 4+ years, able to do most of what I want to do ( tho feeling weak & wobbly sometimes, sometimes "off balance" means no bicycle, and it's NOT just because I'm 66 years young) BUT, and here's where I don't have the words - I am so AWARE of the "possibility" of something happening for the "worse."

I KNOW what they're looking for when I go to Dana Farber twice a year   No tests, but a "physical exam" and lots of talking.  I ADORE MY DOCTOR.  Just the best, couldn't want, pray for a better doctor.  Everything "fine."  Explained ALLLL my "issues" with Arimidex, and all I do to keep the SE's at bay - and the good news seems to be I'm fine, and the "other news" is if this is feeling fine, well....  That's as close as I can seem to get to this presence, the WHAT IF.

It seems like such a crap shoot as to who "makes it" and who doesn't.  I know so many with my  stats who are fine, and dear friends who have died.  Sorry for being so rambly, just feeling this a lot lately.

artsee

For my post...please read the post above. I say the same thing and the feelings are the same.

I'm looking over my shoulder all the time. I don't know what I can do to change. I'm sure there are MANY of us in the same boat. Its been almost 4 years and the mind is so not at ease. Does it ever happen? Ease up? Probably not. Keep telling myself to keep the faith but when you feel like you can hardly get out of bed because of the pain in the joints and back, it make you wonder. What's going on in there?

Sunflower...it's been 2 sad days here. My watercolor mentor and teacher friend has passed away. This is going to be such a huge void in our lives. No more summer 'plein Air" classes 6 weeks in summer. I am so bummed.

rosemary-b

Oh 

Scanxiety, breast cancer sucks in so many ways. Worrying about scans is one.

I am almost five years out and this last bone scan was awfully stressful. maybe because I just got off of AIs but no just because every onc visit every test is a reminder that breast cancer is not a well behaved cancer that the surgeon can cut out and then you are healed. It is a sneaky little bugger. Add to that the other health problems I have had over the last four years and I feel like I'm always waiting for another shoe to drop.

I am glad I can come here. Nobody else wants to hear this stuff. (Like I want to say or think it either) but it is there. It is part of life and we cope the best we can. I am glad I am going to go to every six months after my next onc visit, if all goes well. (See there it is again, if all goes well)

rosemary-b

E

We are all with you. Breast cancer sucks!

Enjoyful

Thanks, guys.  You all are the best!

I'm two years NED and the feeling that my happy NED time is limited is overwhelming.  It's like Russian Roulette - you know the bullet is in there but which pull of the trigger does the deed?  

I had to take two Xanax and a sleeping pill last night and was still bouncing off the walls.  If only I could harness the power of that anxiety and focus it at the cancer cells. They wouldn't have a chance!

Chilly and windy here but the sun's shining.  A beautiful day!  Hope you all can get out and enjoy it.

Thanks again for your support, friends.  Y'all really get it.  Thank God.

E

suzieq60

E - you are amazing. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))) - hoping for more NED news.

Sue

Anonymous

E - I use the russian roulette image for myself too, and some days it feels like the !@%##@&^ gun is filled with bullets, other days only one. I feel so awful, selfish, complaining, when I'm "only" a Stage II and know so many dear women friends who have died from this beast.  

But I can tell you from personal experience, bc is different.  I had colon cancer about 12 years ago, surgery sending about 10 inches of my colon to Heaven ( now my boobs are there, along with my gallbladder), several weeks in hospital, no chemotherapy needed.  Now, I say that the "first" cancer was just like a "shot across the bow" really nothing,  compared to the PSYCHOLOGICAL, EMOTIONAL toll this one takes to live with, through, survive.

Artsee -  I grieve with you.  Losing a beloved teacher is so hard. I can't imagine not having my drawing/painting teacher to be with.  VOID, grief, what a huge loss.  I've only been with my teacher for 3 years, but she & our class, and our time together is such a vital part of my life now. Especially how a teacher can show us how much we have learned, grown in our time together.

Speaking of watercolor - I had to LEAVE the workshop I was supposed to be in for 2 days.  It was in the basement of a town Library - and the DUST from the forced air, and the MOLD & MILDEW, the place obviously had been flooded - made me so sick, my asthma started after about a half hour in the room.  Felt so badly, like a "quiter" which I know is not rational, but there we are.  Teacher was very understanding, sympathetic, and assured me he'd refund me for the 6 days I had paid for in advance ( quite  a "chunk of change") - so, happily my Pan Pastels arrived this afternoon, and I shall go and see how they are.

Thanks everyone for so understanding what I as trying to say about how this is bc is getting to me...

artsee

Ahwww Sun, what a disappointment....the workshop I was in 4 weeks ago, came to mind. A student, two days into our workshop came up to me and asked me to be 'less fragrent' the next time I came in the studio. I thought 'FU" but obliged and never put on cologne.(many others put on fragrant moisturizer mind you.) She should have, on day (1) announced she had allergies. But no she had to put 30 people on the spot. "Passive Aggressive", that's what she was.She walked out and painted outside the studio and embarrassed me to no end. At least yours was mold and mildew.Still bummed out. Fifteen years with a mentor....I go into my studio, and walk out. I haven't painted since.

suzieq60

Sunflowers - I'm there with you - I was googling the symptoms of liver mets last night - can't stop worrying about the beast. Maybe, with time, it will get better.

I am in such a deep funk - don't want to do anything. Can't be bothered cleaning, why should I. Just forced myself to iron DH's work shirts before it got too  - can't say the word since I'm forbidden Could have gone out into the garden early and cleaned up the palm frond pile I made last weekend, but couldn't be bothered. Could have gone for a bike ride seeing I woke up really early - couldn't be bothered. I did bother to have breakfast though. Waiting for my political opinion shows to come on, then I can sit around in front of the TV until 11.

Sue

suzieq60

Artsee - she would have wanted you to go on - think of that. I'm so sad for you.

(((((HUGS))))))

Sue

otter

Hi, all.

I've been here off and on, just reading quietly and thinking about things. Thinking about all of you, and about my dear May '08 sisters.  I'm thinking about the family problems we all face, the fears and sadness that haunt us.

Mostly, though, I am so unspeakably grateful that we have each other, and the other women we've met on these Boards.  Mr. otter can't understand why we keep coming here, sharing personal feelings and experiences with "virtual" friends. I've tried to explain, but I can't put it into words.  Today, I read him some posts on a thread on the Stage IV forum that, I think, capture the meaning and value of these Boards and our virtual friendships. 

In that thread, someone confessed that she was feeling especially pessimistic and vulnerable lately.  She condensed her fears into a simple-sounding question:  should she even bother buying a winter coat?  Her post was immediately followed by a flood of support from other Stage IV sisters who had felt those same fears and dealt with them in various ways.  The bottom line?  Buy the coat, and add some gloves and a nice hat!

Hugs to all of you.

otter

208sandy

Otter - I have been following that post about the "winter coat" and it's so true and it must be hard for Mr. Otter to understand all this - but these aren't even "virtual" friends anymore - some of us have been getting together and then visiting with one another and besides which I don't differentiate between virtual and real anymore anyway because once you have the cancer diagnosis strange things happen with virtual friends and relatives and frankly the only people to truly "get it" are the "virtuals" thank goodness we have one another to lean on.

Hugs to you Otter,

Sandy