Old Issues Resurface

dragonflymary

I haven't had the nerve to post anything yet but reading these forums has helped me a lot.  Now I just have to vent, if nothing else.  I was diagnosed in August 2010, DCIS high grade, multifocal, stage 0.  I opted for a bilateral mastectomy as I just couldn't stand the thought of any more biopsies, mammos, ultrasounds, MRIs and doctor hands poking at my "good breast."  Turned out I had ADH and other things on the good side and would have had another MX eventually.  The mastectomy was basically a pain-pill haze, then came the reconstruction.  My plastic surgeon, while being a good meat cutter, is about as warm and fuzzy as an arctic eel.  Everytime I tried to talk to him I ended up feeling like and idiot.  I then came to realize that I was reliving my whole history with my own father--why not?  The Doc is an authority figure and the realtionship is so out of balance in terms of power...Anyway, the anxiety level was pretty awful and still is.  I came from a violent, abusive background and have prided myself on overcoming it, but I've learned that a situation like prolonged illness conjures up old ghosts.  I've never been on firm ground with coping skills, or with relationships.  Have just learned how to bumble along.  Now I'm tired of this whole thing--tired of "bumbling," of living in fear of doctor visits, of being anxious about social situations, of having to discuss my stupid breasts with strangers, of pills, of being tired...you get the drift!  Have had my exchange and am healed physically.  When do you heal emotionally?  Is it okay to take Xanax?  Is it habit forming?  I can't exercise yet but would love to just feel better. 

dragonflymary

Thanks, Hadley, it really helps to hear this.  I'm always wondering what someone from a "normal" family would do!  Others seem to be on firmer ground!  I get that too, about how strong I am.  If only they knew.  I used to go to ACOA and that did help--think I'll start that again.  Going to a support group next week for the first time.  Good luck to you and thank you for your support.