mom has cancer -- feeling lost.

ML7103

I've been reading posts on here for a week now and its been helping but I decided to finally post something myself. Maybe some of you can give me some advice, and I guess I just needed a place to vent without feeling like I'm ruining someone's day by bringing up CANCER.

I found out last week that my mom has stage 2 breast cancer. She found out in October but just told me because she wanted me to do well on my finals, which just made it worse because she is the most selfless, caring woman in the world. She already got surgery and is starting radiation in 2 weeks, and is waiting to find out if she will need chemo or not.

I know that she is going to survive and that she will be fine eventually, and she is so strong and handling it so well, but I'm freaking out. I haven't stopped crying since I found out, I go to sleep and wake up every morning and just cry. I'm only 19 and never thought I would EVER say the words "my mom has cancer." My friends are being supportive and everyone keeps telling me that she will be fine and to stay strong and we're lucky that they caught it, but honestly none of that helps me feel any better. My mom is dealing with it so well and I feel like by being so sad and sensitive about it I am making it harder for her, but I don't know what to do.

One good thing that has come out of this (or at least thats what my mom says) I have quit smoking for good, and I am getting a small breast cancer ribbon tattoo behind my ear so my mom's strength will always be with me... but I feel like I should be actively doing something to help her or to cope in some way.

How do I go about my normal life knowing that my mom is fighting this terrible disease... ?

debbie6122

ML- Awe, i know you are very upset about your mom, she will be fine, even if she has to do chemo she will get thru this, it is not so fun but doable, you are such a good daughter and just being there for her during this time is going to be comforting to her, try, if you can just take a deep breathe and just know that she will get thru this, sounds like you are already doing every thing to take care of her she knows you love her, thats all she needs, we are all here for you if you have any questions, maybe you can talk your mom to come here for some support as well, the threads are a little slow right now being new years but im sure you will get more responses later- big hugs and i will keep your mom in my thougths and prayres

Debbie

Cocococo103036

I have a bit of a different perspective. I have not told my family about my BC and I do not intend to ever do so. Some close friends know. I have been able to evade telling my family because of the distances between us - they live a day or more drive away and so don't pop in without telling me and there being lots of organisation involved and plenty of advanced planning. I keep up normal email and phone contact so no problems will be suspected. Why have I done this? Because I have been sick, had extremely scary surgery and I don't have the energy to deal with, address or handle the distress of my relatives. I simply have too much on my plate. Also, I do not want to rock their world about something that they cannot cure for me - so, I feel like I am upsetting them for no reason, as they cannot help me in the very practical way I need help. My close friends by contrast have been able to help me in practical ways without freaking out or being overly distressed. The only thing I know is that people who did practical things for me without getting emotional [which made it about them and their feelings and took my energy away] was what I needed most. Things like someone who would hang out my wet washing or mow my lawn or put out my garbage or turn up with a tasty cooked dinner when I was recovering post surgery and these tasks were beyond me. I had zero tolerance for anyone weeping, being constantly upset or debilitated from hearing about my diagnosis. I also enjoy being with people who talked normally about their day and their lives, without tip toeing around my diagnosis. Others are different. I suggest you ask your mother to tell you precisely how she needs you to be and then try to be what she needs as much as you can.Congratulations on quitting smoking by the way - see, out of terrible things, positives can come. Your mother must be pleased that if nothing else, you seeing her experience this is making you make some important decisions to optimise and protect your health. 

deejer47

ML, it's great that you have supportive friends. Hang on to them and take what strength they can give you so that you will have strength to support your mom. She may seem as strong as a rock on the outside but she really needs all the support she can get and so do you.

kt57

ML,  A few thoughts for you.    Your mom is strong, she will get through this.   She needs you to live your life, do well in school, makes good decisions.  When kids do well, parents do well.     When you get back to school (I assume you are  in college), go and talk to a counselor/therapist.  He.she will help you manage your sadness and fear.     Lastly, hold off on the tat --  some survivors get pretty tired of pink and ribbons -- she may not want to see it and be reminded every time she sees you.  

Nevo84

Dear Ml. I can understand what you feel right now. I'm in the same position. I LOVE my mom. I cant live without her. Me and my sister do everything to make her feel better. She is in chemo. 2 sessions passed and six left. Her hair is gone. everytime I see her something is lost in me. BUT beside some depression I have, I belive in GOD and I'm sure she will be fine. Nowadays with science moving and progressing so fast and with new treatments like Herceptin which didnt exist 13 years ago, we should belive that finally the exact and real cure of cancer will be found. So keep going strong.

ceweet01

I am going through something similar. My mom just told me she has been diagnosed. I don't know what to do or think. I hope you can figure out how to get through this, just like I hope I can. Good luck. 

bdavis

ML... My daughter, 18, is away at college, and I told her back in November when I was diagnosed... She started to cry and hung up the phone... I called her right back... and we talked it out,.. It was very hard for both of us. As her mom, I just wanted to be surrounded by my family, but that wasn't possible... When she came home for Christmas, the best thing for ME was just being with her... and now that she is back at school, communication is still super important... I too have stage II cancer with a good prognosis.

The best thing you do for your mom is just to be in touch often and tell her you love her... it goes a LONG way,

I am sure she will be fine

tosha2011

i am 17 and my mom just did the same thing. i have a 9 month old child to n i feel just like you do. but now i feel like i wanna wait on goin to college. i know my mom wouldnt want me to do theat but i dnt think i have any other choices? do i?

mz106

Wow you know what?  you and I are in the exact same situation!... it's as if you wrote the post for me. I'm guessing you're a student? I'm a university student and I'm in my final year atm. Currently back home for winter vacation. My mom basically told me about her diagnosis of stage 1 cancer (she's had it before 16 years ago, had a masectomy) on the first of January this year. And I basically broke down into tears, was angry for a bit as she's been hiding it from me, and been pretty damn depressed since then. she's known about it since Sept/Oct and she's been keeping it a secret from me because she didn't want me to worry about her (just like your mom, she's very much selfless). she hasn't told her relatives yet  because they're quite old and she knows they'll be worried to death.  Anyway my friends have been super supportive as well but it's always great knowing someone who's in the same situation as yourself, going through the same emotions/pain etc... and well here I am. we can support each other. let me know if you want to chat or vent or anything. my mom hasn't had her surgery yet (this is my number one concern) she's been taking hormonal medicine since oct and is having the surgery in about 2 weeks.followed by radiation therapy..why the long wait I am not sure... anyway she's really optimistic and is normal as ever. makes it harder for me to show how I'm really feeling. we talk about it but we also crack jokes and try not to worry too much. but i cry in my bed at night or in the shower or even in the toilet. I'M trying very hard not to burst into tears. I have to go back to uni on the 9th so it really sucks for me but. anyway long story short, give me a shout if you wanna talk. we're here for each other

xxx 

mebmarj

Everyone deals with BC in their own way. Ask your mom what you can do to help, she'll let you know. Just you being a good daughter, student, sibling and friend is a great help.

I'd wait on the tat. I know you want to express your support, but there may be another idea that comes along and she have mixed feelings about it.

I've got two teens and I'm fortunate they are good kids, healthy, active and smart. It's ok to cry, BC sucks. Take care of you and your mom. Wish you the best.